relationship trouble

[kbutterfly]

i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months so far. I love him very much, and i honestly believe that he loves me the same way. the problem is that i will be finished with college in december, and he just finished up in December 2001. the whole time that we have been dating each other, he has been into hanging out with his guyfriends(who i like to hang out with too). The problem that i am having with this is that I want to start thinking about our future together, and he seems to be completely afraid of moving forward. None of his friends have girlfriends, so I am hoping that once they find girls and start getting serious with them, my boyfriend will start to think that way too. Is this wrong to think like this? I just am worried that we will date all these years to come, and still be in the exact place that we are at right now. Someone please give me some advice, and let me know if I am overreacting.

[ParadiseMan]

Break up with this guy dead cold and tell him you need to concentrate on school. Also realise he'll do this to you once he lands that "big job".

 

Get on with your life and be ready to meet some other wonderful man that has his career together instead of staying with this "guy hangout wannabee".

 

Plus, by you staying with this present guy you are missing a chance to meet someone better.

 

Enjoy.

i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months so far. I love him very much, and i honestly believe that he loves me the same way. the problem is that i will be finished with college in december, and he just finished up in December 2001. the whole time that we have been dating each other, he has been into hanging out with his guyfriends(who i like to hang out with too). The problem that i am having with this is that I want to start thinking about our future together, and he seems to be completely afraid of moving forward. None of his friends have girlfriends, so I am hoping that once they find girls and start getting serious with them, my boyfriend will start to think that way too. Is this wrong to think like this? I just am worried that we will date all these years to come, and still be in the exact place that we are at right now. Someone please give me some advice, and let me know if I am overreacting.

[Tony T]

If your boyfriend's behavior is contingent on what his friends do, is he somebody you even want to consider having a future with. I would certainly hope that you would want a man who thinks for himself and goes for what he wants in life irregardless of the directions his friends' lives take.

 

I don't see how all these guys could find girlfriends at one time. I also think that as long as the gang is having lots of fun in stag fashion, they probably won't be motivated to "couple up."

 

Talk to your guy and let him know exactly how you feel. See what he's got to say. Listen real close and be sure he makes his decisions and governs his life on the way he feels and the direction he wants it to take rather than on the whims of a bunch of guys who he probably won't even know ten years down the line.

 

If your guy is intent on hanging out with these guys, you can pretty well bet things won't change much until the old gang splits off in different directions sometime in the future.

 

Actually, I think this is sort of a matter of your guy growing up a bit and just being ready for something special with you. I'm sure he loves you very much but he's just not ready yet for a major committment and nothing you can say or do and nothing you can slip in his coffee or tea is going to change that.

[Ed]

Eventually, you are just going to have to talk about this with him. Your post indicates that you two may have already talked about your future to some extent, apparently without knowing anything more than you did before. There are some key issues that will have to be addressed at some point, like - future employment for both of you, location of employment, future education and location of future education...among other things.

 

Ultimately, regardless of discussion with him, you have to decide what you want in your life and what you think is best for you. Ideally, he will want to be involved enough to work with you when you make those choices and he will want you to be involved when he makes those choices for himself.

 

No one can definitively say when would be the best time to discussion your future, together or apart, but generally if one person thinks it needs to be discussed, the other should be willing to at least talk about it. That's not to say that any decisions have to be made right now or that any commitments or proposals have to be made right now, but if you are having to make decisions, NOW, that might effect your future with him, then tell him what they are and tell him you want to talk about it.

 

Without knowing anymore about you than I do, I would say you still have some time to work out the details of your future since you will not be graduating until the end of this year. You could give this a little more time for things to "pan out" unless there are some things happening that you did not mention in your post that require immediate attention. Should you wait or how long? I don't know. If you intend to continue with your education, you will have to put in applications now for next year. If you intend to enter the work force after graduating, you will need to start contacting prospective employers this summer for employment next January.

 

Try not to get too worked up about the future. Even if you make plans now, they may change tomorrow. There is only one thing in this world I know of that won't change...things will change...you can count on it!

[Daisy]

Gimme a break. I think you have "love" mixed up with "casual dating". If you have ever been in love, you'd realize that your mind and body don't allow you to just "break up dead cold" with somebody for no apparent reason. You work on your lives and problems together, no matter what they are.

 

As for the original poster, talk to your boyfriend. Let him know how you feel. And be prepared to compromise. If he's truly afraid to completely settle down and get married, then don't issue him an ultimatum that you HAVE to be married by the time 2004 rolls around. That will just scare him even more.

 

And besides, assuming that you both are still quite young (early 20s), you have plenty of time to settle down. A lot of guys aren't ready to get married at 23 or 24. Would you rather get married when you wanted to and have him be miserable ... with a possible ruined relationship? Or would you rather just wait things out, waiting until he's completely ready to commit himself to you? If it were me, I'd choose the latter. But then again, I'd make sure that this guy is EVER planning on committing, just so I'd know I'm not completely wasting my time.

[kbutterfly]

thank you for all of you advice. My boyfriend and I have talked some about our future plans, but we haven't really figured out what we exactly want. One minute he is talking about when we get married and have children, and then the next minute he is saying that he just doesn't see himself ever getting married. it is just so confusing. i love him very much, but i think that right now, we are both extremely immature, and maybe when he starts working and I graduate we can start to figure out our plans. I just get so confused at times, wondering what the future holds for the two of us.