Is he planning to leave me?

[lexi29]

I need someone to interpret my fiance's actions/words for me. We were supposed to take a vacation in a few weeks. We were going with my family. I had posted about being worried about the long car trip with his son. This trip has been planned for awhile and I just actually paid the final deposit yesterday. On Friday my fiance and I were talking about the trip and he marked the dates on his calender and told me that he was going to tell his boss he is taking that week for vacation and too bad if they are busy. Now on friday night before we went to sleep we got into an argument. I have been having doubts about getting married (end of sept) because there are so many things we haven't settled (we don't live together and are waiting for a court hearing so we can move out of state and buy a house= his son's mother won't give him permission to move just to be difficult)

 

I had been feeling distant from him all week- probably because the last two weeks his son had been away and we were alone and had sex every day and cuddled and did things just the two of us. Last week his son was back so we only had sex once and we didn't have any time with just the two of us, so no cuddling. I have been stressed about getting married too. So friday night a dam just broke after he made a comment I told him I was mad about the comment (he said he was joking) and that I was having 2nd thoughts about getting married. He told me if I dont' want to get married, not to drag it out but to tell him asap. That he isnt' going to hold me back if this isnt' what I want. That is entirely my decision. He said he really wants to marry me but if its not what I want too, then he doesnt' want to marry someone who doesnt' want to get married.

 

I told him about feeling distance from him and he said he wasn't sure why I felt that way. I think it is a combination of his son being home (and us not spending alone time together) and the fact that he is leaving to work away (will be gone the entire week for about three weeks only home on weekends) and he is EXCITED about going. So I feel he is excited about being away from me and his son. He says he wants to make all the extra money for overtime and they are getting a $65 a day bonus plus $25 a day to eat with. He thinks he will be able to save all this money and have the rest of our wedding paid for. This month for some reason he is really stressing about bills. He says he isn't sure how he's going to pay his rent. They were supposed to go do this job in July and his boss keeps putting it off.

 

My fiance was mad on friday because they were supposed to leave this week(yesterday) to go to this job and the boss cancelled it. So they are working around where we live and for his normal paycheck. I was supposed to watch his son this week but since they didn't go I don't have to.

 

Yesterday I went over to my fiance's after work. He hadn't called to say he was working late (he almost always does). I had called him earlier because we had no power at work. I then called around 6pm and left a message asking if he had to work late (he normally calls me by 5pm). His son was at his grandmothers and they normally go to bed around 7pm. My fiance will always call me and ask me to pick his son up if he works late. But no call. So already I felt something was wrong. I did pick his son up and my fiance hadn't called there either. His son was excited to see me (he was at his mom's this weekend) and we went home and I made dinner and played some games with his son.

 

My fiance finally calls around 7:30 to say he's leaving the boss's house. He gets home and is in a bad mood. He says to his son and me "I'm home if anyone cares and walks past us." I asked him why he didn't call anyone to tell them (me or his parents) that he was working late. He said he didn't feel like using his phone. He told me that his boss told him they are not leaving next week to go the "away" job as planned. That his boss is taking a vacation next week so MAYBE they will go to this job the last week of August. My fiance is MAD about this and I just dont' understand why because now he can take his son to this local fair that they go to every year (that he'd have to miss if they worked away as planned).

 

He then tells me that he and his son aren't going on vacation as planned with me. I get upset because I had just paid the final deposit that day and I am REALLY looking forward to going. He says he can't miss out on going to this away job. That if he takes vacation time he will only get paid for 40 hours and if he works this job he will get paid overtime and his bonus. So basically he will make maybe an extra $300-$500. I am really bummed out by this and feel that so close to our wedding we really need to spend time together as a family and I dont' think its right that he's backing out now. He says he doesn't mind if I go on my own.

 

He tells me he can't afford to go. That he still has things to pay for regarding the wedding and I offer to put some of the stuff on my credit card and he can pay me back. he says no he wouldn't be able to pay me back and doesn't want to put anything on credit. Now the vacation rental is paid for and the only thing he'd have to pay for on this trip is his and his son's food. He said he can't afford that and that he needs money to go on vacation because his son will want souveniers and what is the point of going on a vacation if he has to tell his son no all the time when he wants something. I offer to help him set up a budget so he can see how much he still needs for the wedding and how much he would lose out by not going on this job. Now his son really was looking forward to this trip as well.

 

He tells me that he planned on working this away job for the three weeks before our trip and therefore would have extra cash. But since his boss rescheduled the away job they will be working there the week we were supposed to go on vacation.

 

He also tells me he is upset with me that I won't watch his son for the whole three weeks he will be on this job. I had offered (and I thought it was settled) that I would watch his son for ONE week and he would have to make other arrangements for the other two. Well now his son will be in school during the time he has to go away for this job so he can not have anyone but his parents (or me if I stay at his apartment) watch his son as his son needs to go to school every day. He knows his parents are going to throw a fit about watching his son for that length of time. He was saying things like he'll just tell them he will have to move in with them becuase he can't pay his bills.

 

He also told me he's upset because he feels he HAS to go on this away job as much as possible so he can pay for wedding stuff. Said he told his buddy at work (best man in the wedding) that his wedding is depending on this away job and if he doesn't get enough hours he can't get married. This p*sses me off becuase this is the first time he's told ME this and I have money invested in this too and he never mentioned postponing the wedding before. He thinks I should watch his son the entire time he's gone because he's doing this for "us". He is mad at his friend becuae the boss took two guys to the away job this week and my fiance wanted to go and he told his friend how bad he needed the money and when his friend was asked to go he didn't decline so my fiance could go (My fiance acts like he's more important than his friend or something)

 

 

Last night we argued over this for hours. I came up with different solutions that would possibly allow my fiance and his son to go on this trip but he had every excuse in the book. Told me he will flip out on my parents if they try to correct his son. (he was really mad at this point and just saying stuff to say it I think)

He just acted like he was total stranger to me. He was so cold and it was just weird. He was all worried about money but he had his vehicle registration (we were trying to figure out his bills) and he said he was going to pay it for two years (there was an option for one year) and that is strange because we have a hearing date to request to move out of state. Now he acts like he plans on staying here. Also once during the fight I asked why he needed to make extra money and he said so he can buy things for his son and that he never gets to buy himself anything and it would be nice to do so(but earlier the reason was he wanted to pay for the wedding)

 

I am so afraid he wants to leave me and just won't tell me. He said last night (I called him when I got home and he was calmed down) that he would love to go on this vacation with me but he just can't afford it at all and we can go somewhere together in October (after we get married).

I have these insecurities big time right now because it was around this last LAST year that he started acting weird and distant and soon after left me for his ex. So because its that time of year I am starting to get paranoid.

 

 

what do you think? Is he planning to leave me?

[Nevermind]

I was having 2nd thoughts about getting married. He told me if I dont' want to get married, not to drag it out but to tell him asap. That he isnt' going to hold me back if this isnt' what I want. That is entirely my decision. He said he really wants to marry me but if its not what I want too, then he doesnt' want to marry someone who doesnt' want to get married.

Your boyfriend's reaction is quite normal. You should never, ever say something like this as a means to get power or because you are angry. You're supposed to spend your life together. Do not use this to blackmail him in petty arguments. Also, having his son with you should be normal by now. You're going to be around him 24/7 once you're married. If you cannot feel good in this situation, then you should not marry.

 

That his boss is taking a vacation next week so MAYBE they will go to this job the last week of August. My fiance is MAD about this and I just dont' understand why

Really? Because he gave you the answer straight away:

 

e then tells me that he and his son aren't going on vacation as planned with me. I get upset because I had just paid the final deposit that day and I am REALLY looking forward to going. He says he can't miss out on going to this away job. That if he takes vacation time he will only get paid for 40 hours and if he works this job he will get paid overtime and his bonus. So basically he will make maybe an extra $300-$500. I am really bummed out by this and feel that so close to our wedding we really need to spend time together as a family and I dont' think its right that he's backing out now. He says he doesn't mind if I go on my own.

He tells me that he planned on working this away job for the three weeks before our trip and therefore would have extra cash. But since his boss rescheduled the away job they will be working there the week we were supposed to go on vacation.

What is so difficult about it? He is mad because he won't be going on vacation with you.

 

He has to work, to make money. And for really spending time together as a family...you just said some paragraphs above this, that you're bummed because they was no cuddling since the son has come back.

 

He said last night (I called him when I got home and he was calmed down) that he would love to go on this vacation with me but he just can't afford it at all and we can go somewhere together in October (after we get married).

Seems that this is his reason. Money has been an issue in his life for how long? I think it's only responsible that he tries to make some money and sacrifices some fun.

 

 

Is he planning to leave me?

No. I think he is trying to be a grown-up. I think you want your vacation. I think you both need to work on communication. I think no couple should get married if there are so many issues (see all your other threads).

 

But I don't think that what you posted means he is trying to leave you.

[elizabeth26]

it really could be high stress, but if he has a track record I would bring it up. It seems like he may have issues with your family, have you ever gone on vacation with them before? It may be that he is trying to come up with a reason not to go and that's wrong also. I hope you get an answer to this soon and that it's the one you need!

[carhill]

Honest opinion:

 

This guy isn't taking responsibility for anything in your R, not even his feelings.

 

Our MC, upon hearing money stresses, said simply "everyone has money stresses; next subject". He's absolutely right.

 

Personally, if I were in your shoes, having followed all these threads, and this guy came to me and said he wasn't going on vacation and wanted to call the whole thing off, I'd give him a big hug and go out and celebrate with my friends.

 

Finally, he'd be taking responsibility for something...

[zicke]

Why doesn't his son's MOTHER take care of him while he is out of town working. I can see your point about not wanting to take care of him, but the kid is going to be in your life after you get married to the guy...that is if you get married. Because AGAIN you are desperately looking for any reason to not get married.

 

It really truly must be exhausting living this, it's tiring reading the drama. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Seriously, quit it. Plans change, it happens. It's not like he's dumping your vacation plans to hang with his buddies or something. He is worried about money. He seems pretty responsible to me. Especially if he is in construction, this is busy season for them. Let him make some cash to put away. Go on vacation alone, or bring the boy with and you have one problem solved for that week. And a 65 buck bonus a day for three weeks adds up to waaaay more than 300-500 bucks. I would cancel a vacation to make an extra 65 on top of my salary too.

[Oggie_23]

Here is my thought on this. I am assuming that you have many other thread about the same subject by the way other's are talking.

 

My husband works out of town all summer long and only comes home on the weekends. So 3 weeks is not a big deal and we have a great relationship. He has a son that just turned 11 and we have a son together that is 3. So taking care of his kid for three weeks would not work for me. But his mother is in the picture.

 

Seems like he may have lots of stress and maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with you. My husband has a very high stress job and tends to take it out on me more than he should. I just ignore him and don't take what he says to heart. 95 percent of the time he apologies later. Still does not make taking it out on me right. But stress is stress.

 

Vacation is a must. Everyone always has a good time on vacation especially when you are with the people you love. I would be sad but if he still wanted me to go and we weren't married yet. I would take my best friend and have a blast and hope for the best when I got back.

 

Hope this helps. A lot of your story sounds like things I have been through.

[2sunny]

with all the drama and the wondering and obstacles i would think that YOU would be the one to want to call it off.

 

if i were you - i would ask myself why i felt a need to WANT to marry such a person that brings so many concerns to a marriage?

 

a healthy perspective would be to walk away a happy person that just dodged a lifetime of misery.

 

love does not conquer all! there is always the reality of everyday living that gets in the way.

[A.G.Doren]

Sounds like your fiance is stressed I would rethink these problems after having gone on vacation.

[whichwayisup]

You two have had issues for a long time, if it isn't about his son, it's about something else. Honestly, I would put the wedding on hold until things settle down and things get sorted out with his son, the custody arrangements, and his work schedule being so busy right now, he IS stressed out and unfortunately can't deal with you feeling insecure and wondering if he is going to walk away from you.

 

What you CAN do is, try to have faith. Work on trusting him and not worrying so much. Couples fight and it doesn't mean anything bad, or that the relationship is going to end. But everytime something happens, you have ALOT of doubts.

[lexi29]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have calmed down since talking to him yesterday. The feeling that he is going to leave me isn't as strong now. I think a lot of it has to do with the time of year it is. This time last year he started acting distant (and I started trying to get closer) and he was doing some of the same things- not wanting to spend as much time with me, not calling when he normally did) and about a month later (end of sept. begining of Oct.) he broke up with me out of nowhere to date his ex. So those fears are surfacing again and I'm suffering from fear of abandonment. We had planned this vacation for several months and we had been talking about it just two days before and he NEVER said anything about not going.

 

It was only after he found out he may have to work the away job during that week that he wants to cancel. He did say if they are not working the away job he will probably go. I didn't mean to imply that I don't like having his son around. I love him I just pointed out that my fiance and I do not spend as much time together cuddling or anything physical when his son is around so that may have been something that contributed to me feeling distance from him.

 

As for the $65 a day- when I said he would miss out on about $400 for the week, I was only talking about the week of vacation. He would still get paid his normal 40 hours (he has vacation days) but he wouldn't get the bonuses. I feel that family should be more important than money especially only $400! I'm glad he wants to be responsible and work this job but at the same time he is being irresponsible because he has to find someone to watch his son for free. So if I can't do it (and I can't the week I will be on the vacation) then he has to talk his parents into watching him. His son will be in school at this time so his mother (who lives 2 hours away) can't watch him. I guess it just bothers me that he is so willing to dump his son off on me or someone else just so he can make a few extra $. I mean he may have to be at this job for a month and no one , not me, nor his family is going to take care of his son for that length of time. If we took this vacation together (and he lost out on the bonus for that week) it would be one week that he'd get to spend a lot of quality time with his son (his son has never been to the beach and would love to go) and his parents wouldn't have to watch him that week so they would be more willing to watch him another week while he goes to this away job.

 

But if that is his decision I will just go on vacation with my family and take a friend with me or something.

[2sunny]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have calmed down since talking to him yesterday. The feeling that he is going to leave me isn't as strong now. I think a lot of it has to do with the time of year it is. This time last year he started acting distant (and I started trying to get closer) and he was doing some of the same things- not wanting to spend as much time with me, not calling when he normally did) and about a month later (end of sept. begining of Oct.) he broke up with me out of nowhere to date his ex. So those fears are surfacing again and I'm suffering from fear of abandonment. We had planned this vacation for several months and we had been talking about it just two days before and he NEVER said anything about not going.

 

It was only after he found out he may have to work the away job during that week that he wants to cancel. He did say if they are not working the away job he will probably go. I didn't mean to imply that I don't like having his son around. I love him I just pointed out that my fiance and I do not spend as much time together cuddling or anything physical when his son is around so that may have been something that contributed to me feeling distance from him.

 

As for the $65 a day- when I said he would miss out on about $400 for the week, I was only talking about the week of vacation. He would still get paid his normal 40 hours (he has vacation days) but he wouldn't get the bonuses. I feel that family should be more important than money especially only $400! I'm glad he wants to be responsible and work this job but at the same time he is being irresponsible because he has to find someone to watch his son for free. So if I can't do it (and I can't the week I will be on the vacation) then he has to talk his parents into watching him. His son will be in school at this time so his mother (who lives 2 hours away) can't watch him. I guess it just bothers me that he is so willing to dump his son off on me or someone else just so he can make a few extra $. I mean he may have to be at this job for a month and no one , not me, nor his family is going to take care of his son for that length of time. If we took this vacation together (and he lost out on the bonus for that week) it would be one week that he'd get to spend a lot of quality time with his son (his son has never been to the beach and would love to go) and his parents wouldn't have to watch him that week so they would be more willing to watch him another week while he goes to this away job.

 

But if that is his decision I will just go on vacation with my family and take a friend with me or something.

 

it seems you are carrying the burden of all his worries and concerns more than he is... that is very telling for an unhealthy relationship.

 

why is being happy and on your own such an unpleasant thought compared to being with him and all his troubles that come along with him?

 

please answer the question this time.

[lexi29]

it seems you are carrying the burden of all his worries and concerns more than he is... that is very telling for an unhealthy relationship.

 

why is being happy and on your own such an unpleasant thought compared to being with him and all his troubles that come along with him?

 

please answer the question this time.

 

 

Because I am happy a lot of the time being with him. WHen I post on here it is about problems, I don't normally post about good times we share. I don't want to be alone. I was alone when we broke up last year and it was terrible. I literally couldn't breathe at times. I would cry in the middle of the grocery store because I saw something that reminded me of him or a favorite food of his son. It was horrible. And I never tried to get him back, I thought it was over for good and I never contacted him. So I feel we've been given a 2nd chance.

 

I dont' think I would ever be happy on my own. My family does not live near me, my friends are married and though they don't deliberately do this- I feel that if I am not part of a couple then I'm not really accepted by them. Or at least they don't have time for me. My fiance has all the time in the world for me. If it were up to him he would spend every waking minute with me. I love being with him and his son and part of my anxiety is that I will lose them and that is the main reason I drive my self crazy and analyze everything at times.

 

He is my best friend and I'm comfortable with him and we have a lot of fun together. For example last night I was at his place and we were just sitting on the porch talking about the wedding and he told me how stressed he is about paying for the last of it and now I totally understand why he doesn't want to go on this vacation with my family. We were also talking about things we did as kids and telling funny stories and it was great. His son was so happy to see me and we played games and he asked for advice on girls which was cute. I am so relaxed and happy today and have no worries.

[Lauriebell82]

I dont' think I would ever be happy on my own. My family does not live near me, my friends are married and though they don't deliberately do this- I feel that if I am not part of a couple then I'm not really accepted by them. Or at least they don't have time for me. My fiance has all the time in the world for me. If it were up to him he would spend every waking minute with me. I love being with him and his son and part of my anxiety is that I will lose them and that is the main reason I drive my self crazy and analyze everything at times.

 

I understand that you love your fiance and want to be with him. It worries me though that you don't think you can find happiness without a man. Becoming TOO dependent can destroy a relationship..believe me I've been there. I know how it is not to be with the man you love..it's like hell.

 

However, I think you need to be happy with yourself and think that you can live your own life, before you can be truely happy with anyone else. What would happen if god forbid, you guys got divorced? Or he passed away? Like someone said in another thread, marriage doesnt guarantee a lifetime committment. I really do know how you feel, I tend to have the same feelings you do. But what I've realized, is that ANYTHING can happen. You have to have your own identity outside your fiance. It's perfectly fine to not want to be without him, but you can survive on your own Lexi. You really can. You don't NEED him to make you who you are.

 

And until you realize that, I think that you will keep having these meltdowns and paranoia that any odd behavior he displays means he is going to leave you. You are going to drive yourself NUTS with that. I'm saying all this because I do the same thing..so I know how hard that is to change. But what I've learned in the past few months is that their is a difference between WANTING to be with someone and NEEDING to be with them. You are never going to be happy with your fiance if your happiness is dependent only upon him.

[lexi29]

Back to thinking he might be going to leave me. I just wish I could STOP feeling like this!! This weekend his son was supposed to be with us but his mom called at the last minute and wanted him to spend the weekend with her. My fiance okayed this. So we had the weekend alone. Of course he wanted me to stay with him the entire weekend. Friday night was great. We made dinner together, had great sex and cuddled and watched the Olympics. He mentioned he wanted to go fishing early Saturday morning around 5am (I thought he was joking because he knows I like to sleep in). He asked me to go but I said no thanks, so saturday morning he got up and left around 5am to go fishing. I couldn't sleep so I went to the grocery store early and then picked up breakfast and went to where he was fishing to bring him breakfast.

 

We hung out there together for about 2 hours and went home. We then went to arrange to rent tuxes for the wedding. I wanted to go to the mall so we went there too and out to lunch (I drove and paid for lunch because I had a gift card for the place we ate at and he didn't bring any money with him). We went home and were laying in bed watching tv and I wanted to mess around. He said we would have sex later but he didn't feel like it right now. I had tried to start something earlier (before we left) but he just smiled and said wait till later. He seemed to be in a good mood all day, he flirted with me and made suggestive comments.

 

He did seem tired though (he took a nap in my car on the drive to the mall). Saturday night though he kept turning me down. I didn't try anything but I just kept suggesting things and getting nearly naked and he would say wait till later. Finally he told me he just wasnt' in the mood and didnt' want to have sex. said he didn't know why but he just didn't feel like it all. THis is HIGHLY unusual for him. This is a guy who wants sex ALL the time and hasn't hardly ever turned me down. I asked if everything was ok or if he was mad at me (If I turn down sex it is normally because I have a problem with the guy as in I am upset or mad or just not attracted to him). He was confusing me because he kept making suggestive comments (I had a skirt on and he would say 'that is so hot" and he'd sort of start to tease me like he was in the mood and then he'd quit. But he never tried anything sexual (that usually gets him in the mood). It was just as if he wasn't interested at all. It was really weird. He couldn't explain it.

 

I got upset and we talked and he did not make me feel better. Just said he didn't want to and nothing was wrong and it didnt' have anything to do with me. I was worried because this doesn't happen. And on sunday before I left he didn't want to have sex either. I just felt so rejected. But the weird thing is he is still making plans for the wedding. He wants to get our marriage license on friday. But I feel rejected because he won't go on a vacation with my family that we planned (and just recently told me this) and then two days in a row turns me down. But yet he's picking out tuxes for the wedding and planning on getting our marriage license this week!!

 

I was upset about the sex thing (and I probably sound like a guy saying this) because I feel he should have just tried to get in the mood because I really wanted to and I had done a lot of nice things for him lately (bought his son $200 worth of school clothes because my fiance didn't have the money right now) and helped him with some stuff around the house, took him out to lunch that day.

 

He did cuddle with me but I still felt like something was wrong. I talked to him last night on the phone and he seemed fine. And just now he called my cell to remind me to call the courthouse to get info on what we need to bring to apply for the marriage license. And he was sweet on the phone.

 

I guess I just get worried when things happen out of the ordinary. I've told him about my fears and he just says "why dont' you get it that I WANT to MARRY you, does that sound like I'm going to leave you" I told him that it is probably because the time of year it is (he left me around this time last year) and he hates being reminded of his past mistakes.

 

Has anyone else had their SO turn down sex (and that not be the norm) Did it mean that something was wrong or something bad was going to happen? I know in past relationships when I started turning it down I would avoid the subject all together- wouldn't dress nice, wouldn't flirt, would do NOTHING to suggest it and it was because either I was on my way out of the relationship or I was resentful or angry at my partner.

[whichwayisup]

asked if everything was ok or if he was mad at me

 

This after spending all weekend with him, going out and doing wedding stuff? Lexi, you need to have faith and trust, and I don't see that at all. Anytime he says no to sex, it's just because he isn't in the mood. Don't read into that and don't go looking for answers where they are none. Even though he's horny alot of the time, him saying no once in a while isn't the end of the world and doesn't mean he is going to leave you. You are not him and he isn't you so stop comparing what you would do to what he might do. He handles things differently, reacts differently than you.

 

I guess I just get worried when things happen out of the ordinary. I've told him about my fears and he just says "why dont' you get it that I WANT to MARRY you, does that sound like I'm going to leave you"

 

He even is telling you he wants to marry you and you have doubts. Where's the trust in him?

 

I don't get upset if my H doesn't feel like having sex. Almost 15 years later, we do have our dry spells and times when neither of us are in the mood. We don't take it personally and we don't over react.

 

You have a good thing going with him, but you have no trust. Somehow you need to learn to control your fears and insecurities..Have you done therapy at all? It could help you deal with this better..

[Nevermind]

I get the feeling that you are the one who doesn't want to marry, but you don't want to be the one who cancels it.

 

Please woman, for once, think honestly and long about your future and what you want from it. You're about to make 3 people very unhappy, if you don't.

 

For your questions:

 

1. Get over it. Not everybody wants sex all the time, and sometimes people are simply not in the mood. No matter what you did for him, you cannot expect him to have sex when he doesn't want it.

 

2. Stop counting every single thing you do for him. Many people will not agree with me here, but really. In every single of your threads there is a detailed list of the things you did for him. And in most cases those lists come with resentment, because he didn't react the way you expected.

 

3. If your threads here mirror your behaviour, his low sex drive might be related to it. You will drive him away by questioning him every other day.

 

Look, he is not perfect. Many people here have pointed out things that need work, that you're in a hurry to marry, that many things are not great and that the two of you should work on them before getting married. Yet you chose to go on with the wedding. So, it's time to make up your mind: either you love the guy and you trust him. Or you don't trust/love him enough to be with him for a lifetime.

[whichwayisup]

Excellent post reply NM.

 

Lexi, really read the responses here, especially NM's..

[lexi29]

I get the feeling that you are the one who doesn't want to marry, but you don't want to be the one who cancels it.

 

Please woman, for once, think honestly and long about your future and what you want from it. You're about to make 3 people very unhappy, if you don't.

 

For your questions:

 

1. Get over it. Not everybody wants sex all the time, and sometimes people are simply not in the mood. No matter what you did for him, you cannot expect him to have sex when he doesn't want it.

 

2. Stop counting every single thing you do for him. Many people will not agree with me here, but really. In every single of your threads there is a detailed list of the things you did for him. And in most cases those lists come with resentment, because he didn't react the way you expected.

 

3. If your threads here mirror your behaviour, his low sex drive might be related to it. You will drive him away by questioning him every other day.

 

Look, he is not perfect. Many people here have pointed out things that need work, that you're in a hurry to marry, that many things are not great and that the two of you should work on them before getting married. Yet you chose to go on with the wedding. So, it's time to make up your mind: either you love the guy and you trust him. Or you don't trust/love him enough to be with him for a lifetime.

 

 

Thank you your response was very insightful. I don't want to make any of us unhappy. Though I dont' post it on here, when things are good between us it is wonderful and I am very happy and content and I think he is too and his son always wants me to spend time with him (they both wanted me to move in right away after we got engaged but i chose not to). So when it appears that happiness might be taken away is when I freak out and have my doubts and worry etc. I am NOT the one who is a hurry to get married. I have suggested we put it off for awhile but my fiance does not want to do that. He feels that me wanting to postpone the wedding means I do not want to be with him. So either I go through with it or I lose him.

 

 

He normally has a very high sex drive, and we did not argue over anything or have any problems at all this weekend. He was being flirty, suggestive etc and that is why his sudden declaration that he wasn't in the mood was such a suprise. And that it happened the same week he told me he no longer plans to go on vacation with me (after we've talked for weeks about it) just had me concerned. Also one thing that he said to me I found kind of weird. He told me that he thinks I base our relationship on sex and that he doesn't understand why I can't just enjoy spending time with him and cuddling without sex. This is from a guy who when his son was gone for two weeks wanted to have sex every single day and sometimes twice a day and I didn't talk him into any of it!!!

 

As far as counting the things I do for him, yes this is a bad habit of mine, mostly because I don't want to be used. I keep track just to make sure he is not taking advantage of me. Someone on here told me they think he is just using me to have a place for him and his son to live (I am buying the house we will live in and we will split the mortage and bills) so I sort of keep track of what I do for him and what he does for me just because I don't want to marry someone who could be using me. Its not that I feel he OWES me sex or anything but in the same situation if the roles were reversed he would be hurt or worried if I did the same thing to him (because I don't normally). I try not to "keep score" but it seems in my life that I am always doing more for other people than they do for me in return- I'm a people pleaser which is not a good thing!

 

 

I trust him as much as I CAN trust anyone. I have a very hard time trusting people because of my past experiences. He caused some of this mistrust and he has to deal with the consequences (if he wants to be with me).

 

Its just totally backward and makes no sense that I am so worried! I mean we spent the weekend picking out wedding rings (but didnt' buy them yet) renting tuxes and HE is the one who suggested we go this friday to get our marriage license. And yet I am thinking I am going to come back from vacation and he is going to leave me!!

[Lucky_One]

"I mean he may have to be at this job for a month and no one , not me, nor his family is going to take care of his son for that length of time."

 

Step-parents don't "take care" of their step-children.

 

And why would having your stbStep-son with you be a big deal for a month?

 

Are you sure you are ready to be a mother? You sound much happier when his son is not around.

[whichwayisup]

I trust him as much as I CAN trust anyone. I have a very hard time trusting people because of my past experiences. He caused some of this mistrust and he has to deal with the consequences (if he wants to be with me).

 

Then you need to somehow let go of the past experiences and deal with things in the now. And, you need to work with him to sort out the mistrust issues between you two. That can't last forever otherwise it WILL ruin your relationship, let alone marriage.

 

Couples don't keep score- It's a total give and take thing, compromise. Being unselfish. You say you're a people pleaser and a giver, but your expectations are very high. Most who are givers expect nothing back. I am a giver in everyway and I don't expect anyone, let alone my H, to give back exactly what I put out there.

 

There are so many other smaller issues, problems and the step-son situation that need to be dealt with before you say your I DO's to eachother. If he is making you feel pressured, married me or else it's over, well, don't marry him. Sorry but going into a marriage when you have these many problems/issues/insecurities need to be fixed beforehand, and what could help is you both go to pre-marital counselling together.

[lexi29]

"I mean he may have to be at this job for a month and no one , not me, nor his family is going to take care of his son for that length of time."

 

Step-parents don't "take care" of their step-children.

 

And why would having your stbStep-son with you be a big deal for a month?

 

Are you sure you are ready to be a mother? You sound much happier when his son is not around.

 

 

I'm not happier when his son is not around. I do lots of things for his son that his own mother doesn't even do. As I wrote in a previous thread- there are many reasons why it is difficult and a great inconvenience for me to be responsible for his son alone for a month. First is we dont' live together. If we did it would be NO big deal and I would happily do it because it wouldn't affect me negatively in anyway. As it stands I can not take his son to my apartment and let him stay there with me. He will be in school anyway and needs to be able to get to school every day. I live about a half hour away. My fiance's parents can not watch him every morning before school starts (school starts at 9 and I have to be at work at 8, so at the latest I have to leave by 7:25am) So anytime that his parents can not watch him in the morning I will have to take unpaid leave from work to do so (I have no vacation time left as I'm taking a week off in Sept)

 

When I first posted that, my fiance had a CHOICE of whether or not to work this away job. His boss was going to have some projects in this area where the employees would work 30-40 hours a week HERE. The away job is 50 hours per week and there is a $65 a day bonus for them as well. So he would be making an extra $300 a week. At the time this bonus was only a rumor (now its a fact as some guys have already been working at this away job). I was upset that my fiance would willingly chose to work the away job just because of the money and not think about how it would be a burden for someone else to watch his son during that time.

 

I have pets too and my fiance isn't paying someone to watch them for me. And as a matter of fact I asked him if he would go to my house while I'm on vacation to feed my pets and he said no because cats are able to eat mice or just put a lot of food out for them but he was not driving out there to feed them every day. He did offer to watch my dog for me though. so he expects me to watch his son by myself for possibly a month but won't use gas money to drive 1/2 to my apartment to feed my cats (my roommate is going to do it). His parents do not want to watch his son for that length of time either. (and they are the grandparents!!) and live in the same town my fiance lives in (not half an hour away as I do)

 

The issue with this is I feel my fiance was skirting his responsibility of caring for his son and throwing it on my shoulders. THe child has a mother but my fiance would NEVEr ask her to take care of her own son. He expects nothing out of her. He asked her to buy her son school clothes and she said she would (she never has) and of course she did not. My fiance does not have the money to buy him any school clothes and he's grown a lot over the summer. Every year I buy him school clothes so i figured this year wasn't any different. I didn' want him to have to start school in old clothes. I do want to spend a WEEK watching his son (even though it IS inconvenient) because I want to spend some one-on-one time with him. If it goes well and there aren't too many glitches and I'm not neglecting MY responsibilities, I'll probably offer to watch him for longer but just because we are getting married does not make me a built-in baby sitter at this point. We do not live together and if my fiance has a choice (that he can stay home and work in the area) he needs to make the choice that does not include burdening his family so he can do what he wants. Now we've found out that this job is mandatory so its not his choice anymore.

 

So now I understand that he HAS to go and I've offered to watch his son for 2 weeks and he will have to find someone else to keep his son overnight for the remaining two weeks but I will visit his son during the day and be responsible for him after work until he goes to bed.

[Lucky_One]

"I do want to spend a WEEK watching his son (even though it IS inconvenient) because I want to spend some one-on-one time with him. If it goes well and there aren't too many glitches and I'm not neglecting MY responsibilities, I'll probably offer to watch him for longer but just because we are getting married does not make me a built-in baby sitter at this point."

 

You are getting married in a month. You are going to be this child's mother. Not a babysitter. So in a month you will be a built-in mommy, and that means taking care of children when necessary. Trust me, kids are not convenient, and you will end up neglecting a LOT of YOUR life bc you are now a parent.

 

It seems that money issues are a big deal for both of you. Why not break the lease on one of the apartments and move in together for the duration? You will save rent, utilities, phone, cable, duplicate groceries, gas money driving back and forth. Also, lessen some of the wedding expenses; rented tuxes are expensive and not necessary. Men can wear their own suits instead.

[lexi29]

Then you need to somehow let go of the past experiences and deal with things in the now. And, you need to work with him to sort out the mistrust issues between you two. That can't last forever otherwise it WILL ruin your relationship, let alone marriage.

 

Couples don't keep score- It's a total give and take thing, compromise. Being unselfish. You say you're a people pleaser and a giver, but your expectations are very high. Most who are givers expect nothing back. I am a giver in everyway and I don't expect anyone, let alone my H, to give back exactly what I put out there.

 

There are so many other smaller issues, problems and the step-son situation that need to be dealt with before you say your I DO's to eachother. If he is making you feel pressured, married me or else it's over, well, don't marry him. Sorry but going into a marriage when you have these many problems/issues/insecurities need to be fixed beforehand, and what could help is you both go to pre-marital counselling together.

 

 

We are in pre marital counseling and the counselor seems to see my fiance's actions as this great progress- this guy who never wanted to marry anyone picked ME" and that I really must be important to him for him to want to take the next step with someone. I try to find comfort in this but sometimes I just feel he might be using me (alone he can't buy his own house and he will also have someone to help him take care of his son and he says his son has never been as attached to anyone (not his mom or his aunts) as he is to me and he thinks I'll make a great mom to him)

 

But sometimes when we argue it seems like it is SO easy for him to just dismiss me. That if I decided to leave him and not get married he wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Once recently we were arguing over him suddenly not wanting to take this vacation with me and yes we did argue for several hours and I kept telling him that if he doesn't want to get married just tell me now. He finally snapped I guess and said if it means you will get out of my house and leave me alone then yes, I no longer want to get married, get your stuff and get out. And his son was right there and heard this and got scared and started crying and didn't want me to leave.

 

I asked my fiance if he wanted to think about this and he said no, to just leave. His son was crying and he didn't even care. It was like he could make this split second decision like I meant nothing to him. He just kept washing dishes like me leaving him for good didn't even phase him. I grabbed some of my stuff and asked him to help me carry some of it out and that I didnt' want to get everything and do this in front of his son. They walked out with me and I asked my fiance if he really wanted to be broken up. His son was hugging me and my fiance said no, not really I'm just mad. That cavalier attitude he has about leaving me and the fact that he DID leave me last year for someone else (who didn't even last two weeks with him) makes me insecure and honestly I don't think (and neither does the counseler) that anything but time is going to change that insecurity. He doesn't really help me not be insecure all that much because he says its the past and I need to concentrate on the present. that he is marrying ME and doesn't want anyone else. He thinks I should just get over it. I never had these trust issues with him in the years we've dated. It was just that he left me so suddenly (we were making plans for the very next month and he'd asked me to pick his son up from school every day and his son was VERY close to me and I'd just helped him redecorate his new apartment (at the time) and bought his son school supplies and clothes and literally a few weeks later he started to act distant but assured me he wanted to be with me. A few days after he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, he kept starting fights and broke up with me out of nowhere. It was all because he wanted to to try something out with his ex. So anytime I feel anything like I feel before that happened I get anxious.

 

As far as being a people pleaser maybe that is the wrong word. I feel good about doing things for others. I'm the person who always wants to find the perfect gift or do something nice just to make a friend or family member's day a little better. With my fiance I'll do things with his son that I know he enjoys, I'll buy him necessities when I know my fiance can't afford them, for my fiance, I'll make him his favorite meal, I'll dress up sexy for him, I'll rent a movie I know he wants to see. He loves to go fishing so I got him his fishing license for his birthday. On my birthday my fiance didn't even make me dinner, He gave me a card. But then for no reason he will give me flowers. so its not that my expectations are too high its that I DO expect a little thoughtfulness in return once in awhile.

[lexi29]

"I do want to spend a WEEK watching his son (even though it IS inconvenient) because I want to spend some one-on-one time with him. If it goes well and there aren't too many glitches and I'm not neglecting MY responsibilities, I'll probably offer to watch him for longer but just because we are getting married does not make me a built-in baby sitter at this point."

 

You are getting married in a month. You are going to be this child's mother. Not a babysitter. So in a month you will be a built-in mommy, and that means taking care of children when necessary. Trust me, kids are not convenient, and you will end up neglecting a LOT of YOUR life bc you are now a parent.

 

It seems that money issues are a big deal for both of you. Why not break the lease on one of the apartments and move in together for the duration? You will save rent, utilities, phone, cable, duplicate groceries, gas money driving back and forth. Also, lessen some of the wedding expenses; rented tuxes are expensive and not necessary. Men can wear their own suits instead.

 

Money is an issue for HIM. Not for me. I've offered that if he skips this job I can put some of the expenses on credit and he can pay me back or I can just pay cash for some things and he can pay me back. he doesn't want to do this. I can't move in with him because I have animals and his apartment doesn't allow animals. He can't move in with me because my roommate owns the house (and its too far from my fiance's job) and she doesn't like children. We had looked at places to rent but we don't even know what state we will be living in (waiting for a relocation hearing because his son's mother does not approve our 20 minute-away requested move to another state) So we can't buy a house and we cant find anything to rent that allows pets.

 

As for tuxes and things like that- his idea not mine. The tux is about $100 and just this week my fiance bought passes for the three of us to attend this local fair. He wants to go FOUR days. So he will spend more than $100 on this (and I'll buy my own food). If he was really concerned about money he would opt to skip this fair but he wants to go and feels he will make up the wedding expenses on this away job.

[Lauriebell82]

Okay Lexi,

 

The fight you just described. How was it resolved? I would have FLIPPED OUT if my boyfriend said he no longer wanted to marry me and wanted me to get out even if he WAS angry. How did you guys make up? Did you come back? Did he chase after you? How did you resolve things?

 

I think you two need to do some communicating here. This doesn't sound particularly healthy, and chances are these problems are not going to be solved by getting married.

 

Oh, and clearly you are still bothered by his past break up wtih you. Have you addressed this with him? Told him your concerns/fears? Not in an accusatory manner, but just being honest with him about it. My bf and I dated for about a month when we first met then broke up after a really dumb fight. Fast forward about 10 months, we saw each other again and went out on another date and the feelings were still there..as were old wounds. We needed to sort those out before we could progress with our current relationship. You need to resolve your feelings about the past breakup..ESPECIALLY since you are getting married.