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Old 10th August 2008, 2:10 AM   #1
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Women: How to respond with "let's just be friends"?

Hi ladies. There is this woman I've taken out once, and although I think she may be interested, she has always been on the fence about me (I think). I may be getting the "let's just be friends" speech soon, but I still think I can win her over since we haven't really gotten the chance to really get to know each other yet.

My questions:
1. If I ask her out again and get "oh I think we're better as friends," should I respond with "ok let's just go out as friends" and try to get her to see me in a different light then?
2. In case she does say let's just be friends, what can I say or do that might change her mind and convince her to give another chance (without coming off as needy)?

Thanks!
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Old 10th August 2008, 2:22 AM   #2
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I'm not a woman, but here's how I respond to when I get that speech.


"No offense, but I have plenty of friends that keep me busy, and I don't need new female friends to make my dates jealous."

Once you're a friend, you will never change her mind.
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Old 10th August 2008, 2:36 AM   #3
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I would just say "I'm really disappointed, but sure, we can be friends." However, you don't have to take that literally.
It's really tough to convince someone to be attracted to you as more than a friend.
I mean, you don't have to call her and actually BE her friend and hang out and such.
Just move on so you can focus on finding a woman you like who DOES want to be more than friends and put this one in the past, if she truly isn't interested.
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Old 10th August 2008, 2:45 AM   #4
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There are several possible reactions to this statement but the very worst one - the one you'll most likely never recover from - is anger. If you come across as angry, pissed off, or 'put out' in any way when she says this, she'll never forget it. You really do not strike me as the kind of guy who would get angry, I'm just warning you as to how badly it will come across if you do.

If she starts talking 'friends' and you sound a little hurt or disappointed, that's understandable - and even endearing. You might say, "Well, I have to admit that I was hoping for more and I'm disappointed, but you can't help how you feel." And then, boom! Her level of respect for you goes way up. What a statement like that would say to her is that a) you care for her but also respect yourself enough that you don't want her to be with you if she doesn't want to be, b) that you wouldn't dream of making someone do what they don't want to do, and c) that you're secure enough with yourself that you'll still be happy.

And then there will be the beginnings of a nagging doubt in her mind that maybe she just screwed up. No kidding. And from that point on, you have the perfect opportunity to be yourself so that she can see the person you are, and to still be nice and attentive to her (but not too much) because that's just the kind of guy you are.

The only time I would say something like this wouldn't be effective is if your life is somewhat chaotic or has a lot of drama in it. I have a guy friend that I've known for years and he has been nuts about me for years. And honestly there was a time when I was really tempted to be with him. But his life and the drama that surrounds him constantly made me hold back. And then after more time passed, I lost a lot of respect for him. His kids are horrible and he has no control over them, he constantly talks about his ex-wife, there is always something going on negatively at his job, any relationship he's in is on the verge of falling apart, and the list goes on. I do not like being with a man who has no control over his life and cannot command respect for himself.

This is why a lot of times where people who are friends can't be lovers. They know too much about one another and one of them knows that the other one would drive them crazy. Otherwise, relationships that come from friendships usually have the most solid foundation. So don't dismiss the friend stuff. If you're right for her, she'll notice it - especially if she knows that you would like more from her, but that you respect her enough to leave her alone.
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Old 10th August 2008, 2:50 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jadedone View Post
"No offense, but I have plenty of friends that keep me busy, and I don't need new female friends to make my dates jealous."

Once you're a friend, you will never change her mind.
This is exactly the type of response that I mention in my other post. It's a total deal-breaker and not something you can recover from. If you've been friends with someone quite a while before dating, this is an even worse statement because it says that the whole time she thought you were friends, you were really after something. And when you didn't get it, you acted like a spoiled child. End of the road.

I disagree about the 'once a friend, always a friend' comment. There are many factors that make relationships work and sometimes it's just a matter of timing.
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Old 10th August 2008, 4:58 AM   #6
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I really like Angel1111's take on this.

We like to follow easy clear cut rules about how to react in dating situations. But the truth is that all people are different, and it is incorrect to apply rules as they are laws of mathematics or physics.

Angel's approach to this matter seems spot on to me.

CHeers,
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Old 10th August 2008, 6:58 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Angel1111 View Post
If she starts talking 'friends' and you sound a little hurt or disappointed, that's understandable - and even endearing. You might say, "Well, I have to admit that I was hoping for more and I'm disappointed, but you can't help how you feel." And then, boom! Her level of respect for you goes way up. What a statement like that would say to her is that a) you care for her but also respect yourself enough that you don't want her to be with you if she doesn't want to be, b) that you wouldn't dream of making someone do what they don't want to do, and c) that you're secure enough with yourself that you'll still be happy.

And then there will be the beginnings of a nagging doubt in her mind that maybe she just screwed up. No kidding. And from that point on, you have the perfect opportunity to be yourself so that she can see the person you are, and to still be nice and attentive to her (but not too much) because that's just the kind of guy you are.
That is the answer I gave when I got the "let's be friends" speech. And then I added that I can't be a platonic friend if I was hoping for more.

That just doesn't work for me. In that situation, I would be one of the guys that pine for their female friend for years, hoping for more, and that isn't healthy.

When I am interested and the woman isn't, that is life and it happens. I also had women interested in me where I didn't feel the same. But if that happens, I need to move on, or I won't be open to the idea of a relationship with another woman. I can't go from romantic interest to platonic friendship. That is not how I am wired.
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Old 10th August 2008, 7:48 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel1111 View Post
This is exactly the type of response that I mention in my other post. It's a total deal-breaker and not something you can recover from. If you've been friends with someone quite a while before dating, this is an even worse statement because it says that the whole time she thought you were friends, you were really after something. And when you didn't get it, you acted like a spoiled child. End of the road.

I disagree about the 'once a friend, always a friend' comment. There are many factors that make relationships work and sometimes it's just a matter of timing.
I like Angel's response on this....great one Angel...however.....I wish this was true....but once a woman dismisses you as a friend, too me it's just another way of saying she's not attracted or seriously doesn't think of you in that way.

I have heard time and time again, the BEST kind of relationship starts off as friends, but I rarely seen it happen....but I have witnessed it a few times in my lifetime, and I think it's pretty awesome.

Most guys tend to "hang around" the woman, hoping something will become of it.

Alot of women, who are currently dating some have like a handful of "male friends" waiting in the midsts for the break-up to occur. Hoping....praying..but nothing unfortunately.

Seems alot of single women would prefer a total stranger.
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Old 10th August 2008, 9:55 AM   #9
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I would say... "Thanks, that is sweet but I have to be honest. I would love to be your friend, but I'm not in this for just friends. If we don't have a shot at a relationship, we should probably just go ahead and call this quits."

If she gives you the 'friends' line and you accept it on her terms, you will never be more than that for her. You can hang out with her 24/7 after that as 'friends', spend hundreds of dollars on her, take her out, treat her well and she will still never let you cross the line.

Best bet to the 'friends' line? Politely refuse and end all contact. If you put your time and effort into a "just friends" person you are cheating yourself out of opportunities to find someone who will be interested in more.
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Old 10th August 2008, 10:23 AM   #10
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When a women gives you the friends speech she has rejected you.

If you stay around and be her friend when you have feelings of a romantic nature you are just giving her all she wants but she will never give you all you want. You don't have to get mad and angry but just politely refuse to be just friends and wish her well.

This about your emotional health so do what is best for you and don't try to hang on to someone hoping they will change their mind. If she does she will contact you but go on with your life without her.
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Old 10th August 2008, 11:54 AM   #11
 
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OP, do you seriously think if she says "let's just be friends" she truly wants you to be her friend? Most women use that as an exit strategy so that the guys are not too hurt. I personally never use that line; I simply say "I don't think we're a great match unfortunately, I wish you all the best." I try to avoid the "let's be friends" line, because some guys, cannot take the hint and would instead stick around hoping to be friends with the girl that just rejected them.

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel1111
If she starts talking 'friends' and you sound a little hurt or disappointed, that's understandable - and even endearing. You might say, "Well, I have to admit that I was hoping for more and I'm disappointed, but you can't help how you feel." And then, boom! Her level of respect for you goes way up. What a statement like that would say to her is that a) you care for her but also respect yourself enough that you don't want her to be with you if she doesn't want to be, b) that you wouldn't dream of making someone do what they don't want to do, and c) that you're secure enough with yourself that you'll still be happy.
Oh, geez, that line will annoy me big time. I mean who cares, you're disappointed, so what, it's hard enough for me to deliver the bad news to you and there you go whinning that you were hoping for more and disappointed! Why can't you just take it like a man; say okay, let's be friends then, then simply stop communicating if friendship is not what you were looking for.
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Old 10th August 2008, 12:23 PM   #12
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If you think she's on the fence and you might get the 'let's be friends' speech, then it sounds like she likes you, but she's not getting a sexy vibe from you.

Get your game on and flirt with her, look into her eyes in that way guys have that makes it seem like they'd be ravishing you if only you weren't out in public, compliment her a little, find your confidence and be self-assured instead of eager puppy.

Don't ask her out again until you've generated more heat, more interest.

If you give it your best shot and ultimately get the friends speech, fine. Life will go on, so don't act all wounded or upset. Just smile, look into her eyes with that 'look' and say something silly like, 'that's not exactly what I had in mind, but, sure, friends is good."

And then forget about it and move on. You moving on will make you seem more attractive than you hanging around trying to be her friend.
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Old 10th August 2008, 12:28 PM   #13
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Lets just be friends etc.

99% of the time the lets just be friends is just gonna be straightforward rejection... but there are gonna be a ton of other really important factors that can change the dumpers mind... like, if you take it really well and agree that its best but also at some later point made her know how appreciated she was and thanked her for that time + the girl already has sexual attraction to u. The thing is how long had u been involved before hand? if its one date and then u get that line... I reclkon your almost certainly not gonna be able to change her mind... However... if youd been seeing each other fpor like a month and a half and had had really good sex.. her reasons for the its friends speech may lie in things that you can change. If you wann be more than friends tho.. I agree with whjat most peoplke have said so far... just avoid it... the lack of your attention will only make her more interested.. if their is residual attraction in her for u her not being able to get that attention from u shud amplify it especially if you ahve clearly mooved on with self respect and... most importantly perhaps... can find a new person to make as her sexual competitor. Iff she doubts that she can have you afetr all you may have had together.. you may be in with a chance.. the guy who starteed this thread however, clearly hasn't.
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Old 10th August 2008, 12:29 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by HiItsMe View Post
Alot of women, who are currently dating some have like a handful of "male friends" waiting in the midsts for the break-up to occur. Hoping....praying..but nothing unfortunately.

Seems alot of single women would prefer a total stranger.

Exactly! This is how it always goes down. I have caught quite a few women off the rebound, and I eventually find out they have a number of good guy friends. Sometimes I ask why they never hooked up with one of their guy friends. the responses I get.

"He's like a brother, that would be wierd/gross"

"he's an ex, and it just wouldn't work"

Last edited by jadedone; 10th August 2008 at 12:32 PM..
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Old 10th August 2008, 12:56 PM   #15
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Exactly! This is how it always goes down. I have caught quite a few women off the rebound, and I eventually find out they have a number of good guy friends. Sometimes I ask why they never hooked up with one of their guy friends. the responses I get.

"He's like a brother, that would be wierd/gross"

"he's an ex, and it just wouldn't work"
J-1,

Yeah, it's funny, you see some real hot woman on MySpace, 50+ friends or so, alot of them guy friends, you see pics of her hangin' all over her guy friends.

If I could write "Thought bubbles" above her male friends, I'd put, "Man, I wish she would go out with me" or something sexual.
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