Jump to content

Don't really want to go out with him / Don't want to reject him


SilkLeaves

Recommended Posts

A while ago one of my close friends told me he had feelings for me. I quite liked him at the time - he had a mysterious, talented thing going on. When I helped him get over a girl who rejected him he latched onto me. I was pretty okay with it - I didn't have a massive crush on him but I thought that would develop with time.

 

Anyway, the opposite happened. As time went on, I felt more bonded with him but less attracted to him. He just tells me...everything, and tbh that's made me lose a lot of respect for him. I discovered he's actually a bit whiny and overdramatic - not to the extreme but enough to just make me want to shake him. Before I got to know every detail of his life I thought of him as an incredibly talented guy who was an emotionally strong, genuinely nice person to everyone. I recently found out that he's one of the most emotionally weak people I know, and that he secretly doesn't like many people at all. He used to look at me like I was completely nuts, but still the cutest thing he'd ever seen. I kind of miss that. I've come to care for him loads, and hate to see him get hurt, but I just don't feel much of a spark. He's also become rather clingy and soppy, which freaks me out when overdone. I almost wish that we'd never got this close. He said he never liked me properly before we knew each other like this. For me it's the other way around. It's just so frustrating because he's kind, caring, and the first person who's ever really cared for me. I'm a bit angry at myself for not feeling more for him than I do.

 

I've witnessed how much it hurts him to be rejected - which is why I can't just say no and give it no second thought. I also need him there as my best friend, otherwise I'd never have anyone to talk to who'll understand and listen and tell me it's okay. It sounds silly but I don't really want to date him but at the same time I can't reject him. I wish I'd just set him straight to begin with - I feel like I've lead him on, even though I did like him more a while ago. He's attractive enough I suppose but even when we hug I can't wait to get out of it, tbh. It feels like he's clinging to me and almost pulling me physically down. We literally don't fit, it's uncomfortable. It doesn't feel like he's holding me it feels like he's throwing himself on me and expecting me to hold him up. It's a big :mad: moment for me.

 

What would make things easier for the both of us? Should I set him straight and we can carry on as friends or shall I go out with him and see if I can feel anything for him? I DO sort of like him...sometimes. And then othertimes he just irritates me deep inside. I really can't help rolling my eyes. Anyway, sorry for the big rant. Any thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should have sex with him and see if anything develops. Otherwise you just stay in limbo for way too long. It will get worse if you keep stringing him along like this.

 

I say have fun, please yourself and re-assess later.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you really only have a couple of options - either tell him how you feel, or just let the relationship fade out by itself. But I'm not sure how far advanced this relationship is. Has it become physical or just hugging and talking? That would make a difference as to whether it's appropriate to let it phase out.

 

I have a friend so much like this that it feels like you're talking about the same guy. I was dating a co-worker of his and we'd all hang out together after work. My then bf told me that this guy had a major crush on me. I thought it was sweet but never really felt anything for him. But he was fun to talk to, would watch chick flicks with me, just like a girlfriend.

 

After my bf and I married and then divorced, this other guy and I stayed friends. He married at some point but has since divorced her. At that time, he told me pointedly that he wanted to have a relationship with me. But, like in your case, so much time had passed and I knew so much about him that I had lost a lot of respect for him. His kids were nuts, women walked all over him, he is always late or distracted with something, anything. He lived in an apt that was about 400 sq ft and it was a total wreck. Even after being there for a few months, he had unpacked boxes. And what bothered me the most was that when he divorced the other wife, he actually got custody of his kids but he was so concerned about what his nutty wife would do, he let her have them back. Then he moved around constantly and never really made sure he had a place in his home for his kids. Honey, I could go on and on.

 

I still care about him as a friend but, like you, the respect is gone and he can't recover that. No matter what you decide to do, you can't stay with this guy or you'll end up hating him. My friend is also slightly whiney and very weak, which is why he has also had his sights on me - because weak people want to cling to strong people. The problem is, most women who are strong need a man who is even stronger. At least I do. And I'm guessing you do, too. I do not want to feel like I have to take care of a man in that sense. Sure, I love to baby him, wait on him, rub his feet, whatever - but that's to make him feel loved. I don't want to have to make a man feel like he needs me to stand on his own two feet. Very unappealing.

 

Well, I don't know if that helps much except to confirm what you already know - that you don't need to be with this guy. Even if he doesn't take it well, letting it go on year after year will only worsen things. Good luck and keep us posted.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

...As time went on, I felt ... less attracted to him.

 

.... when we hug I can't wait to get out of it.....

 

...It feels like he's clinging to me and almost pulling me physically down.

 

...We literally don't fit, it's uncomfortable.

 

Listen to yourself, you obviously feel no attraction to this man; it almost sounds like repulsion. You appreciate his friendship, but don’t want to take it to a “romantic” level. He cares deeply for you, so it may be an ego boost for you to have him around, but don’t lead him on further.

 

Set him straight now. It will be difficult and uncomfortable, you may feel guilty and feel like you lost a friend, but this will be temporary. Maybe letting him down will be the catalyst to help build up his emotional strength and win back your respect. Also, imagine how much worse you would feel if you actually started a relationship with him and then came to feel trapped and too guilty to let him down? Be straight with him now, it may even improve your friendship with him and give you some space so you don’t feel burdened by him. Once the hard feelings blow over, you will probably continue to be good friends.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx

Relationships are suppose to make you feel alive, not repulsed and desperately want to run away. It's already clear in your story that you're not at all attracted to him and his clingy-ness repulses you. Then the only thing that you can do is to tell him straight forward that you can only be his friend, nothing more. Guys can't read between the lines, if you expect him to pick up your facial expressions or hand signals, he's not going to get the message. Right now he's reading your behavior as welcoming, even though the only thing you're thinking is "Get the f*ck away from me!!!"

If you're not honest with him, then you're never going to be honest with yourself and it's no wonder you're miserable. Better the heartache for him now rather than a heartache for yourself later on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...