sunnie23 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I met my man in March. He had just accepted that his previous relationship was over (they had been together for six years, on and off, but mostly off, for two, and then when she finally made it clear she had moved on for good he decided to too), and I had just sworn off dating. We hit it off right away, and I just melted. Seemed like he was melting too...we had the most amazing honeymoon phase I think two people could possibly have. It's been five months now and we decided that when my lease is up in October, we will move in together. We have the house lined up and I was totally excited. Last week I asked him if he could recommend a good massage therapist, and he made an appointment for me at his. When I got there, it was really awkward. She started telling me about how her and my guy went to high school together and was asking a bunch of questions about when we met. When I told her our first date was early March, it got even more awkward. When I got home, I told him about it and asked why he thought it was so weird. He ended up admitting to me that two weeks after meeting me, he asked her out. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, as it took us about a month to decide we were exclusive, but the thing is we had already slept together when he asked her. The massage therapist turned him down, but I can't help but feel like I am his second choice. My ego has a big dent in it and I am questioning everything about when we started dating now. It seemed so magical at the time....was it really all BS? He has apologized profusely, said it was mainly because he was so messed up after his breakup, that he had a huge crush on the girl in high school, was curious if she'd say yes, etc. I just dont think those are good enough reasons. but maybe I am holding him to standards that i shouldnt be. maybe what we have now should overshadow the way we got together. i just don't know. he tells me all the time now that he thinks i am the one, wants to marry me, have a family, etc.....before i would have agreed....now i'm just not sure. i dont know if i should just let it go and forget about this, or if it is indiciative of a bigger problem. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Change massage therapists (for you and him) and let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 OK, that was 5 months ago, and before you two were exclusive. I know that you feel that it took something away from your perception of this fairytale beginning, but does that at all change what the two of you have now? I can see how one, after coming out of a bad relationship especially, might not want to immediately be swept away, even if it was a nice start. I could feel all googoo from day one over a guy, but if it's really early on, that doesn't mean I'm going to just submit completely to the experience, you know? The problem wasn't with him and his feelings, but with her. There was no cause for her to ask you such questions, unless she was planning to tell you to keep a close eye on him or something. And in some cases, even that is inappropriate. I agree with Carhill, you both need a new massage therapist, but if I were you, I wouldn't make this thing into something larger than what it has to be. Try to put yourself in his shoes at that time back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 The way people so often flake on relationships for no apparent reason, I can't really say I blame him for keeping his options open early in your relationship. Who's to say you wouldn't wake up days later and just decide it wasn't working for you as so many people seem to do and end it? Sure, we always want to think that we are the only person in someone's life and it's nice to think he could have had eyes for no one but you. But what he did is adaptive behavior bred from the "new age" of dating... cover your ass. Link to post Share on other sites
fabulousgal Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 not to be dismissive to the way you feel, but get over this. he sent you to her, it doesn't sound like he has much to hide. she was being nosy and jealous a little maybe that he moved on. keeping your options open until you meet someone you are sure about is smart. haven't you ever gotten your feelings hurt by banking on someone too soon? now cheer up and enjoy your man. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 If men are that freaked about not dating someone in case their current dating relationship doesn't work out, there is something wrong with them. It's not like you're going to die without an instant date after you stop seeing someone, unless your really desperate. to Cover Your ASS would imply that you HAVE to have another person in your life in order to survive. First, I never said men, you did... it's everyone. Second, it's has nothing to do with having an "instant date", as you say. It's simply about not excluding any possibility that might exist for something better because you just never know what life will hold the next week. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky555 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 If i were you i would take carhills advise: Change massage therapists (for you and him) however letting it go is very hard! for me it would be. It would take some time but i think you could recover from it So can you move on from this? can you work through it with him if there are issues? If i were you definitely ask him not to see her anymore..if he can do this its kind of like proof that he wants only u. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think the significant issue is that the man is still seeing the massage therapist whom he obviously had some romantic interest in for a professional relationship. For me, that would be a conflict of interest and emotion, regardless of how the past was resolved. His work would be to end contact with that person, partly because I think he's still in contact with her for reasons other than massage, and partly because the experience he had pursuing her distresses his GF. Her work is to let go of that past experience when they were dating and see him for the man he is now (I have no idea how she sees him now, from her writings). I would not move in together in October. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think the significant issue is that the man is still seeing the massage therapist whom he obviously had some romantic interest in for a professional relationship. For me, that would be a conflict of interest and emotion, regardless of how the past was resolved. Totally agree here. I'd be concerned he is being rubbed by someone he once had unrequited romantic feelings for. It's like he's still trying to maintain some type of connection with her. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 The way people so often flake on relationships for no apparent reason, I can't really say I blame him for keeping his options open early in your relationship. Who's to say you wouldn't wake up days later and just decide it wasn't working for you as so many people seem to do and end it? Sure, we always want to think that we are the only person in someone's life and it's nice to think he could have had eyes for no one but you. But what he did is adaptive behavior bred from the "new age" of dating... cover your ass. very well said. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 She might be really good though. When you find a great massage therapist, you don't want to give them up, because anything less is not the same. It's just like with hair stylists, if you have one who really does an excellent job with your hair, you don't want to change it. Yep, very true. My wife is a hair stylist and some of her clients drive a long way to see her (as she has moved over the years). One of her past clients/friends was/is a massage therapist. A darned good one. I can't imagine seeing her as a client if I had once/still had any sort of romantic feelings for that person, and I've got a lot of self-control. Massage just lends itself to too much perceived intimacy when one is in that emotional state, even if it's technically "in the past". IMO, unrequited romantic feelings are far more dangerous than consummated ones. Ask me how I know Regarding CYA dating, I think it's situational and person-centric. Some people are more comfortable not investing themselves and sitting back and weighing all the options, where others invest themselves in one person and, if it doesn't work out, let go and become open to another. We're all different in that regard. The trick is both partners being on the same page. If one is a wait and see and the other is an investor, resentment and frustration will likely occur, as these are two completely different perspectives on intimacy and romance. Neither is wrong, but, IMO, they are incompatible, if core personalities. Did I mention not to move in with him? Link to post Share on other sites
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