megapositive Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Seems it has to do with insecurity, according to many here. How is control in a relationship demonstrated? Does everyone think it has to do with feeling insecure? Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I don't know, I would admit that I tend to be a control freak (past experiences of life unsurprising really) but I wouldn't say it was because of insecurity regarding my worth or standing with the other person, if that's what you're asking. I know my worth and I tend to be pretty confident in myself and who I am. My control freakery comes from wanting a secure outcome overall, which I can never have in life, no matter what my r'ship status is. I think as long as you recognise how you're being a control freak and try to step back from it, allow the other person to care, to love and nurture you as THEY want to, how can that be insecure..?! I dunno. Just rambling I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
KinAZ Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 ^I don't know. I feel that it is important for the partners to understand how their SO needs to be loved and nurtured. I think that's the only loving things to do. A control freak... well, I think people have different opinions on that, which vary according to how much freedom they want and how much control they need to have themselves. It's the same with "smothering." Some people are used to routine, while others are more spontaneous, for example. So, it might not have anything to do with plain ole "insecurity", but instead what one is used to and feels he/she needs. What is just living life to one person, might be lack of stability to another. So, unless a person has to have everything just so, I wouldn't be so quick to call another person a control freak. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Emotional abuse. Undermining someone's esteem. Telling them who to see, cutting them off from their friends and family. Basically treating them like a subordinate rather than a partner. Watch out for people that look a little too well turned out, or give off the biggest act, they're usually the most insecure and the first to resort to manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Emotional abuse. Undermining someone's esteem. Telling them who to see, cutting them off from their friends and family. Basically treating them like a subordinate rather than a partner. Watch out for people that look a little too well turned out, or give off the biggest act, they're usually the most insecure and the first to resort to manipulation. I think thats a control freak to the extreme. There are different levels of control freak behavior i think. My bf is a little bit of a control freak. He is actually a neat freak, so when it comes to that it is where his control freak tendencies come out. It may not be about insecurity even, more like they feel "lost and stressed out" if they don't have control over a certain situation. Usually control freaks have some level of obsessive-compulsive disorder, therefore when the feel a lot of anxiety when they feel as though they don't have control. Very controlling men have the tendency to become abusive, so you want to try to steer clear of those types of men. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 How is control in a relationship demonstrated? Does everyone think it has to do with feeling insecure? Need for control is about fear of not being able to adequately protect one's self (and sometimes, loved ones) from whatever Life may throw at us. So I guess, yes, insecure about ability to ensure own emotional safety and sometimes also about ability to provide for material necessities -- it depends on the circumstance that is the source of this particular maladaptive coping strategy. "Control freak" behaviour can be extremely subtle. Wanting everyone to pack the dishwasher "our" way (which we call the "right" way); wanting to have a say in any and everything that goes on, whether or not we are directly affected. Lots of black and white thinking; shoulds and shouldn'ts; "my way or the highway" attitude over stupid, unimportant things; the "right" time to mow the lawn and take out the garbage; the "appropriate" attire to wear to the opera...or a rock concert. Stupid, inconsequential things. We always have a better method or solution. The thing is that we are doing to ourselves much worse than we are doing to our externals -- self-judgment, criticism, doubt; perfectionism; never 100% satisfied with our own efforts; can never really just relax and chill...always on the lookout for the source of the next perceived threat to emotional safety and/or material well-being. My name is Ronni, and I'm a recovering control freak . Link to post Share on other sites
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