Let Him Treat Me Poorly, Can I Turn This Around?

[megapositive]

After you've been dating for awhile, and you realize you've been stupid and ignored the red flags and allowed him to speak down to you, be a bit selfish, lose his temper and storm off... and then let him come back as if everything is ok when he cools down... do you think you can "re-teach" him how to treat you? (Coming from the theory that you teach people how to treat you.)

 

If he thought you were worthy of his disrespect in the past, can he ever feel differently, if you change how you respond to his mistreatment, that is, by not being a doormat?

[Jilly Bean]

Nope. I think once basic dynamics are set, they are there forever.

[Angel1111]

Yes, you can but the truth is with people like this, re-teaching them usually requires getting them out of your life, because his agenda is to control you. You seem to blame yourself for his behavior but it seems over the top and he's probably abusive. If you suspect that he is, then you do not want to get hooked up with this nightmare. Trust me.

 

I do understand what you're saying about how we teach people how to treat us. But, remember that some people will try to teach you how they're going to treat you - no matter what you do. If your behavior changes and it only aggrevates or annoys him, then you're with the wrong guy. Teach him how to walk out the door and never come back.

[NatoPMT]

i think you can, but only through the right responses being consistently given and the only way you can do that is to establish yourself why you allowed yourself to be treated that way and then deal with that, so effectively you believe you should be treated right, any windows into you not truly feeling that you deserve better will crack if you dont have the courage of your convictions

 

that was the longest sentence ive ever typed

 

good luck

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, and you didn't take a breath!!)

 

The important is to let people know what you stand for. But it's equally important to let them know what you WON'T stand for.

 

Unfortunately, you need to do this from the outset. Because if you make allowances from the outset, and let things pass, the inch they took, will become a mile, and an uphill one to climb, to redress the balance, at that.

But once you stand your ground, and mark out what you will no longer tolerate - you yourself can never permit yourself, nor let the other person, budge you one single inch, in any direction but forward.

 

This will either make - or break - the relationship.

[NatoPMT]

yes thats true, and you have to be clear about communicating those boundaries, but again, you need to have the courage of your convictions to do that

 

establish your boundaries, communicate them, and be confident in this being right for you

[woods321]

Wow what a lunatic!

 

LOL, I am kidding.. He lost his temper? Why?

 

Were you a perfect angel and he just went off?

 

People have emotions you know.

[KinAZ]

You can (to a certain extent), but you have to first decide whether or not you want to deal with that.

 

In the situation I was in (with an aries), the guy had a horrible temper, and it took a little while for me to catch on to the fact that this was all just natural for him. (Likewise, my mother, who is also with an aries, had similar problems.)

 

Eventually, I got fed up with certain things, and put my foot down. I never dealt with him calling me out of my name or anything thing crazy like that, but he could be a bit ridiculous at times. Part of it was just simply understanding that when he's emotional, he has tantrums, and he will talk out of his @$$. So, for my part at least, I had to examine my own behavior honestly (not making any excuses for his!) and how I may have been insensitive or ignoring his needs or wants. The other part was, of course, drawing that line very clearly for him, and he never crossed it with me again. (And it was over when he did. )

 

I started to TALK about his feelings too, which probably made him a little uncomfortable at times. Not just knowing how perceptive I was, but knowing how transparent he was to me... and it all being put into words. It was comforting for him to know that I understood him and that he could be himself with me (and he expressed that to me), but I think also a little emasculating maybe to know that I saw his fiery temper as nothing more than pouting. "Aww... poor baby. Did I hurt your feewwings?"

[Angel1111]

Wow what a lunatic!

 

LOL, I am kidding.. He lost his temper? Why?

 

Were you a perfect angel and he just went off?

 

People have emotions you know.

 

Yep, you're right about that but I think there's a little more to that - he talks down to her, is selfish, and storms out when he gets angry. He sounds like a child, to me. What you may not have considered is that if he's consistently doing these types of things while they're dating, it'll get worse down the road.

 

Think about it, do you really have to be told not to talk down to people, especially to your girlfriend? I don't think she means he's done this stuff once or twice, I get the impression that over the several months that they've been dating, it has become a pattern. This is a very dangerous sign. She can correct me if I'm wrong.

[woods321]

Yes...

 

However what did she do or say that led him to "talk down to her"

 

All I am saying is some women really have a way off pushing buttons.

 

I dated a girl 10 years ago who i am still friends with to this day. EVERY man she dates is verbally abusive to her.

 

I dated her, and I was to. But she leaves out the HORRIBLE things that she does and says, and just likes to play the victim role. It is as if she only remembers what the men say, but totally forgets what she says and does.

[Trialbyfire]

After you've been dating for awhile, and you realize you've been stupid and ignored the red flags and allowed him to speak down to you, be a bit selfish, lose his temper and storm off... and then let him come back as if everything is ok when he cools down... do you think you can "re-teach" him how to treat you? (Coming from the theory that you teach people how to treat you.)

 

If he thought you were worthy of his disrespect in the past, can he ever feel differently, if you change how you respond to his mistreatment, that is, by not being a doormat?

It depends on how long you've put up with this behaviour and if it's escalated over time. Also, is it consistent behaviour on his part?

[KinAZ]

Yes...

 

However what did she do or say that led him to "talk down to her"

 

All I am saying is some women really have a way off pushing buttons.

 

I dated a girl 10 years ago who i am still friends with to this day. EVERY man she dates is verbally abusive to her.

 

I dated her, and I was to. But she leaves out the HORRIBLE things that she does and says, and just likes to play the victim role. It is as if she only remembers what the men say, but totally forgets what she says and does.

 

LOL, there are things called "patterns." You know, the girls who tend to date the bad boy, or the boys who tend to date the nice girl? WELL... more often than not, she's stuck in some wicked pattern of dating immature jerks. There's no reason whatsoever, that a mature adult cannot control his or herself.

 

Either they were never with someone who actually made them behave better so they could learn from experience, or they only deal with people who will allow them to act like a-holes.

 

If you're upset, say "Honey, I didn't like it when you did this." And if she's non-responsive, find a mature way of dealing with it, or find a woman who will be responsive when you bring your frustrations to light clearly.

 

Maybe she was doing things to push your buttons because you weren't doing the things you should have been doing in her eyes. Generally speaking, when people deal with one another in such a way the negatively goes in both directions. Nevertheless, that's no license for grown men or women to behave like children.

[megapositive]

Yep, you're right about that but I think there's a little more to that - he talks down to her, is selfish, and storms out when he gets angry. He sounds like a child, to me. What you may not have considered is that if he's consistently doing these types of things while they're dating, it'll get worse down the road.

 

Think about it, do you really have to be told not to talk down to people, especially to your girlfriend? I don't think she means he's done this stuff once or twice, I get the impression that over the several months that they've been dating, it has become a pattern. This is a very dangerous sign. She can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Angel you are right. I'm not talking about when we've got in an argument and it got heated and he left because he was angry... I'm talking about a consistent pattern of behavior. I think of him as a bully. If I speak my mind (no, not be a total bitch, but if we disagree about something significant) he will speak louder and louder, talk over me, eventual yell if I don't see his point immediately. And eventually he'll leave if he doesn't get his way. Further, he is like this with his family, his closest friends, and his co-workers. He regularly complains to me about them, kind of cycles through them, becoming disappointed in them when they confront him about something, can't make some weekend trip he's inviting them to, or seem to criticize his work, to name some examples. He says things like "I don't need them anyway...I'm cutting myself off from my family... I need new friends...".

[GPFan]

If he thought you were worthy of his disrespect in the past, can he ever feel differently, if you change how you respond to his mistreatment, that is, by not being a doormat?

OK first, get the idea of changing him out of your head. This is not something within your power to do.

 

What you can do is change yourself. Now that you know a bit more about what you like and don't like, establish a set of reasonable boundaries of what you are willing to accept in terms of behaviour. Clearly communicate these boundaries to him and then steel yourself to follow through each and every time, consistency is key here.

 

Google "Healthy Boundaries" for more information. Here is an article to get you started.

[NatoPMT]

Angel you are right. I'm not talking about when we've got in an argument and it got heated and he left because he was angry... I'm talking about a consistent pattern of behavior. I think of him as a bully. If I speak my mind (no, not be a total bitch, but if we disagree about something significant) he will speak louder and louder, talk over me, eventual yell if I don't see his point immediately. And eventually he'll leave if he doesn't get his way. Further, he is like this with his family, his closest friends, and his co-workers. He regularly complains to me about them, kind of cycles through them, becoming disappointed in them when they confront him about something, can't make some weekend trip he's inviting them to, or seem to criticize his work, to name some examples. He says things like "I don't need them anyway...I'm cutting myself off from my family... I need new friends...".

 

mega why do you want to stay with a man who's as youve described above? what are the qualities he has that makes you want to stay? they might well not be worth trying to save when you look at his whole package

 

i do think that sometimes, 2 people together can create a dynamic, or a controlling person recognises something in their partner as someone to control. or they recognise the best methods to employ to get their oh within their control.

 

i think its too big a risk to try myself.

[Angel1111]

Yes...

 

However what did she do or say that led him to "talk down to her"

 

All I am saying is some women really have a way off pushing buttons.

 

I dated a girl 10 years ago who i am still friends with to this day. EVERY man she dates is verbally abusive to her.

 

I dated her, and I was to. But she leaves out the HORRIBLE things that she does and says, and just likes to play the victim role. It is as if she only remembers what the men say, but totally forgets what she says and does.

 

Yeah, I can see that. Some people have annoying habits that can make people nuts, or as you said, they say the most offensive things and think people shouldn't react. Then they act clueless about their behavior. You're right, if she has a pattern of this kind of thing in her life, then she needs to figure out if she's the one pushing the buttons, or if she's just a magnet for these kind of situations because she doesn't respect herself.

[megapositive]

OK first, get the idea of changing him out of your head. This is not something within your power to do.

 

What you can do is change yourself. Now that you know a bit more about what you like and don't like, establish a set of reasonable boundaries of what you are willing to accept in terms of behaviour. Clearly communicate these boundaries to him and then steel yourself to follow through each and every time, consistency is key here.

 

Google "Healthy Boundaries" for more information. Here is an article to get you started.

 

I totally understand that I can't change anyone. As I said in my original post, I'm wondering if in this case, if I change my own reactions to his behaviour, if he'll treat me differently. I'm realizing through your post and others, that consistency in my own reactions is key.

[megapositive]

mega why do you want to stay with a man who's as youve described above? what are the qualities he has that makes you want to stay? they might well not be worth trying to save when you look at his whole package

 

i do think that sometimes, 2 people together can create a dynamic, or a controlling person recognises something in their partner as someone to control. or they recognise the best methods to employ to get their oh within their control.

 

i think its too big a risk to try myself.

 

You're right, I'm wondering that myself. It seems so obvious, especially after I wrote that entry describing how he is with everyone significant in his life, that I'm talking about his personality traits, not just how he treats me. I just get the brunt of it, because I spend the most time with him (and allow him to project all his collected frusrations onto me).

[megapositive]

Yeah, I can see that. Some people have annoying habits that can make people nuts, or as you said, they say the most offensive things and think people shouldn't react. Then they act clueless about their behavior. You're right, if she has a pattern of this kind of thing in her life, then she needs to figure out if she's the one pushing the buttons, or if she's just a magnet for these kind of situations because she doesn't respect herself.

 

No, this is the only man I've been with that has treated me this way. In the past, when I've been dating and noticed the guy seemed controlling, had hidden anger, frequently talked poorly about people he was supposed to care about, I'd stop dating him and it wasn't a difficult decision. I don't know why this is different this time.

[Angel1111]

Angel you are right. I'm not talking about when we've got in an argument and it got heated and he left because he was angry... I'm talking about a consistent pattern of behavior. I think of him as a bully. If I speak my mind (no, not be a total bitch, but if we disagree about something significant) he will speak louder and louder, talk over me, eventual yell if I don't see his point immediately. And eventually he'll leave if he doesn't get his way. Further, he is like this with his family, his closest friends, and his co-workers. He regularly complains to me about them, kind of cycles through them, becoming disappointed in them when they confront him about something, can't make some weekend trip he's inviting them to, or seem to criticize his work, to name some examples. He says things like "I don't need them anyway...I'm cutting myself off from my family... I need new friends...".

 

I think you're dating my ex-husband. He did the exact same things, and said the exact words about cutting himself off from his family. He also got fired from a job for blasting someone in the office. I'm going to take a stab and guess that your bf doesn't like your friends, either, that he criticizes them and often tries to isolate you (doesn't want you with anyone but himself). This is not love, honey, he's verbally abusive and if you marry him, you'll see a side of him you didn't know existed.

 

And let me save you the trouble - you cannot fix this relationship, and you will not be able to set boundaries that he will respect because abusers do not respect anyone - as you have already seen. There may be a nice, soft, sweet, funny side to him but that is also part of the abuse package, those are the 'hooks', so to speak. If you're still not convinced, read Robert Lundy's book called 'Why Does He Do That?' and I think you'll totally understand.

 

When I was with my H, I tried everything I could think of to get him to stop the insanity. The book was a turning point for me because I realized that it actually made him feel powerful to act the way he did, and that these people would rather die than give up that power. That's how much it means to them. I liked the book, too, because it's written from a man's perspective - a man who has seen literally thousands of these cases. I hope you'll read it.

 

Please get out of this relationship. If you don't, there's a nightmare waiting for you that you can't even fathom.

[woods321]

Come on... A nightmare waiting to happen that you cant even fathom?

 

Can you give us a real example of what he says and does.

 

He comes home and just explodes? About what? Does he hit you? Throw things? Call you horrible names? is he on drugs?

[NatoPMT]

You're right, I'm wondering that myself. It seems so obvious, especially after I wrote that entry describing how he is with everyone significant in his life, that I'm talking about his personality traits, not just how he treats me. I just get the brunt of it, because I spend the most time with him (and allow him to project all his collected frusrations onto me).

 

it is the personality traits with everyone, not just you - yes thats an indication that your behaviour changes most likely wont be enough to help manage his bad stuff

 

that projection of all his frustrations just sounds so horrible and brutal. Love involves selflessness, consideration and appreciation. Thats what youd choose in a partner, not bullying and manipulation

 

i agree with angel too that his isolating tactic is a big old red flag

 

do you feel you have enough to be able to make a decision as to what to do? or is there anything that you arent sure how to tackle?

[Angel1111]

Come on... A nightmare waiting to happen that you cant even fathom?

 

Can you give us a real example of what he says and does.

 

He comes home and just explodes? About what? Does he hit you? Throw things? Call you horrible names? is he on drugs?

 

Yes to every question except hitting me. He did do that once but I provoked him and knew he'd hit me. He was yelling at me at the top of lungs, his face was red, he was drunk as hell, and I calmly asked him over and over to get out of my face (his face was about 2 inches from mine and he was spewing all over me, and I was completely bored with his stupid behavior). I asked him once more to get out of my face and, when he didn't, I spit on him. Of course, he slapped me and I literally saw stars.

 

I'm sure your next question is going to be what did I do to set him off like that? The answer is: Nothing. That's what most people don't understand about crazy people like this (and I didn't understand it, either). Nothing and everything sets them off. It depends on their agenda. That particular night, we were out of town and had visited with a bunch of friends at a restaurant. As we were walking to the restaurant, everyone was laughing and having a good time. We walked in, the waitress seated us with the friends, I asked him where he wanted to sit and he bit my head off with a loud, condescending remark. Several of our friends looked at him like he had lobsters coming out of his ears because it was so off-the-wall and came out of nowhere.

 

I was furious after that and didn't enjoy myself at all. Then he made it a point to flirt with the waitress all night. His friends were seriously wondering what planet he stepped off of. When we got to the hotel room, he deliberately started an argument - which meant he yelled and I stood there dumbfounded. So here was this 6'2", 250 lb guy boiling at me (I'm 5'2"), I'm in an unfamiliar city, I have no idea what set him off, and I'm somewhere between scared out of my mind and hating him with a passion. So, I spit on him.

 

What I've realized since then is that whenever events happened that he was excited about, something in his brain went haywire. That's the only way I know how to describe it. Like he didn't know how to deal with it. Plus, for an abuser, getting his 'property' (me) out of town and cornered is a dream come true, so their behavior escalates.

 

When I tell you that these people are sick, I'm not just using clever words because they sound entertaining. They are truly messed up and whether they can help it or not is not my concern. He nearly destroyed me.

 

Do I need to continue or are you getting the picture now? Really, I can understand why you don't understand this because, if you're like me on this, it never occurred to me that people like that existed. I was a true eye-opener for me.

[megapositive]

Angel and Woods:

 

Wow Angel, the similarities are amazing! Yes Woods, he does come over and just explode. He usually starts complaining about someone else, some situation that has nothing to do with me, but eventually the focus will turn on me and he'll yell, if that doesn't work he'll just start saying hurtful things.

 

No he doesn't hit me. But what he does do is he gets right in my face, yells, turns deep red and hits the side of his head with his fists. It's very intimidating.

 

Regarding drugs, I'm beginning to think he does coke almost every weekend, usually by himself. I knew he did it 3 or 4 times a year on camping trips with his buddies, but it seems to have escalated in the last few months. When we've discussed partying in the past, he made it clear that I shouldn't do any drug, because I'm a woman.

 

He does criticize my friends, and he especially hates it when I do favors for them, like dog sit, or babysit my nephews. He goes on rants about how I'm a pushover, people take advantage of me, etc etc. Once when I was dogsitting he was complaining about the stink of the dog so I put her outside. She didn't want to go out, so I had to push her out a litte with my hand. Then he went off about how poorly I treat dogs. I was just like, F*&% I can't do ANYTHING!!!

[megapositive]

it is the personality traits with everyone, not just you - yes thats an indication that your behaviour changes most likely wont be enough to help manage his bad stuff

 

that projection of all his frustrations just sounds so horrible and brutal. Love involves selflessness, consideration and appreciation. Thats what youd choose in a partner, not bullying and manipulation

 

i agree with angel too that his isolating tactic is a big old red flag

 

do you feel you have enough to be able to make a decision as to what to do? or is there anything that you arent sure how to tackle?

 

I honestly don't know.