Settling

[CandyGirlXO]

When everyone says, “Don’t settle!” It makes me wonder. That is a common saying here on LS. IMO from what I have seen in my life EVERYONE settles!

 

My mom is a good example, her 1st husband was abusive… she settled. Her 2nd husband is a LAZY POS who hasn’t worked well….since they had met 18 years ago. SHE SETTLED!

 

My best friend who says this to me ALL the time, she has been with her BF for over 5 years, and he can’t even acknowledge that they are “together” she has SETTLED!

 

My grandma settled when she took my grandpa back after he cheated on her with her best friend.

 

My other friend’s mom settled when she married an alcoholic.

 

Basically my point is… doesn’t EVERYONE settle? And if this is true, it seems that way to me, then why the saying? I am asking the question because I am debating whether or not to try to work things out with my EX.

[PandaStillLovesBunny]

Just because everyone does it doesn't make it right. "Don't settle" is still good advice, but so very few of us are courageous enough to take it. We worry about being alone, or missing out on something, so we grab the first thing that comes along, even if it isn't good for us. My ex, I firmly believe, did this with her career - she was so worried about what other people thought that she decided to become a lawyer, even though she knows that's not what she wants to do. It's not even close to what she wants to do. But - she settled.

 

In order to take the "don't settle" advice to heart, we have to be so sure of ourselves and that what WE want takes priority. And few of us have the integrity to do that and be proud of it.

[Ronni_W]

Basically my point is… doesn’t EVERYONE settle?

Probably most people prefer to say that they "compromise" -- but that likely looks a lot like 'settling', especially to an observer.

 

I guess it comes down to realizing that there is no ONE person who is going to meet all my needs, desires and whims...so I do have to compromise/settle for a partner who offers more of what I value most (instead of everything that my SpoiledBratSelf wants and thinks it deserves .)

 

But I don't think I would try to work things out with an ex, if I'm already suspecting that he's just someone I'm settling for -- I might end up in a situation where, in hindsight, I've ended up settling, but I wouldn't consciously WORK to get into that (if that makes sense?)

[CaliGuy]

I guess my point of not "settling" has kept me single my entire life. But I've also not been in a miserable marriage either.

 

It's funny, the women that pass me up often try and come back later after having failed in other relationships only to be told by me "Sorry, you had your chance...". I'm a firm believer in that people who truly value you won't pass you up. Those are the ones to hold on to.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Candy, I think that, to some degree, you have to settle if you want to be with someone. Everybody has flaws, and if you don't settle and continue to search for that one perfect person, you'll be fruitlessly searching for the rest of your life. After all, there is no perfect person!

 

What you have to ask yourself is, "is his tendency to ________ a trait I can live with?". Of course, the weight given to each trait differs with the person. What is a deal-breaker for one person barely registers on radar for another. It all depends on what you find important.

[CandyGirlXO]

Thanks for the input. I left my EX because I felt like we would never be able to make it in the long run, so why waste my time. I am getting older now and I feel like if I keep doing what I am doing I am going to be alone forever.

 

It just seems to me that MOST people settle, so I think maybe I should just do the samething, IMO it beats being alone for the rest of your life.

 

I am just so confused. I broke up with my BF, and now he is trying everything to get me back. Taking almost full blame for our relationship being a disaster, and him telling me he would do anything to have just one more chance.

 

He always made me laugh, and thats what keeps me wondering if I had made the right choice. He was funny, we always had a blast together. And he has direction, goals, and is incredibly smart.

 

I think maybe I am expecting too much, and if I have that attitude I will be alone.

 

I don't feel like I am STRONG enough to NOT settle.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am reading a book about the female midlife crisis at 30, and it says that one of the big problems right now is that Generations X and Y are the first to have been told "You can be anything you want", "Never settle", and so on.

 

Our mothers settled because for the most part they couldn't support themselves the way we can. They had to rely on men to provide for them while they took care of the kids and home, which meant they had to put up with more male crap. Today, women are capable of taking care of themselves, so it is not necessary to put up with much of anything to survive. But men haven't magically transformed into supermen overnight, and we are bound to be disappointed from time to time. We don't have to settle these days, but it's no easier to find "the perfect guy" than it ever was.

 

The book also makes the point that these days, not only are men expected to be good providers, they are also expected to be good husbands and fathers who are sensitive and emotive. In our parents' generation, a family man was considered exceptional. Bringing home the bacon was the expectation -- going beyond and being involved with the family was gravy, and men were strongly validated and appreciated for that. Now, it's just seen as a negative if he's not a family man, too.

 

Likewise, today women are expected to be great career women, mothers, and wives. Women who forgo a career for family are looked down upon for being "just" a mom/wife, and women who forgo family for career are viewed as selfish, aggressive, and unfeminine bitches.

 

The authors suggest that men actually have much more realistic expectations of women these days than women do of men, and I think that's true for the most part. This is the first time in history women have had so much power, money, and control over their own lives, and understandably we love it.

 

I have been reading articles lately discussing how men are "becoming extinct" because women are figuring out that the values most important to them, such as loyalty and devotion to one partner, are extremely hard to come by in men. More and more women are making the intellectual decision to pair up with other women, who share their core values. I have to admit that it is something I have considered and even discussed with a lesbian friend of mine -- the prospect of being in a relationship with a woman, even though I am straight.

 

I don't have answers to the question of settling. I have always insisted that I will not settle, and as a result, I have been through a string of monogamous relationships that I eventually realized were not going to make me happy long term. I am realizing now that I can't keep "trading up" forever, but I would rather be alone and happy than coupled up and unhappy.

[konfuzd]

Your view of relationships comes from the people closest to you. Don't think because these people "settled" you have to as well.

 

My parents have been happily married for 31 years. I think I've seen them fight once or twice. They didn't settle. Seeing them made me realize that I shouldn't settle either.

 

Many of the people you mention got back with someone who had a negative trait. It is harder to walk away from someone when you have major investments with this person ie kids, house, cars, pets etc...

 

Make a list of things that are requirements in a relationship, as well as deal breakers. As long as you keep within these boundaries, you are not settling. No one is perfect, and you will have to compromise on some things, but you should never compromise the things that you value most.

 

You said in another post that you've never been single. Live it up! Enjoy it. Right now, you have no one to answer to, you can go on dates with several people and be choosy about who you enter a relationship. This would be a great time to get to know yourself and figure out what's truly important to you.

[Green]

TO reply to your post and that of some of the other posters, I think you are confusing setling and breaking away. First off Men and Womens relationships have changed in recent times and thats because we now have alot of jobs that use a persons mind instead of just back breaking physical labor as was the case for most of history. If you look at a relationship from the point of view of a negotiation you'll see that your viewing your relationship with this guy as a fixed piece of pie with positional yes/no answers. You need to think creativly and relize that breaking away although vaid in some situations if used too much will get you no where because you'll always be starting over. If you can work through your problems with this guy you still like and generate new options and motivate and grow with eachother that is not necisarily settling. Try to see things from his point of view and show him yours.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Just because others don't respect themselves to hold a standard and not except anything less doesn't mean that you should do the same.

 

Don't settle for anything that you feel is a deal breaker and less than how you feel you should be treated.

 

There can be little things but in the end they aren't important, but never settle on the big ones.

[Woggle]

Everybody should have standards but don't perfection that only happens in movies. Many women want something that does not exist and end up being angsty because a man shows that he is a human being with flaws. Women have their flaws as well but most men don't expect to marry a playboy centerfold while most women think they are settling if they don't marry a guy from a romance novel. Not saying that anybody should put up with mistreatment but allow some room for human flaws.