Making a rebound relationship work?

[Ruby Slippers]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and nine months now (we were long distance at first, and he moved to my city six months ago), and I am just facing the fact that he was/is a rebound relationship. We got together just three months after my last relationship, which was two years long and very intense. I strongly resisted getting with him, but he pursued me aggressively, and I eventually gave in, against my better judgment. I really thought my ex was "the one" and we were going to spend our lives together. I was totally crushed by the breakup, but thought I got over it fast. Now I am realizing that I am just beginning to recover emotionally and completely let go of my mental attachments to the ex.

 

My current boyfriend is a pretty great guy, and for the most part we are very compatible. Our relationship isn't perfect, but he's much more together than most of my exes, and I can see things working with him long term. Though I have struggled quite a bit emotionally in this relationship, I am starting to figure out that a lot of my problems were probably compounded by emotional fallout from the last relationship. We communicate very openly and very well with each other, so that's a big plus. An old and close friend of mine recently visited town and met my guy for the first time, and she (who knows me very well) said it's obvious he's totally crazy about me and really wants to make me happy.

 

I feel that I am at a crossroads. I have been weighing the good and bad points of our relationship and considering whether I want to continue it and continue to invest more emotionally.

 

I guess my question is: if I decide to stick with him, what can I do to move forward in a positive way and turn what was a rebound relationship into a strong relationship that stands on its own? How can I move past the emotionally sticky rebound portion and into a healthy situation?

 

Thanks for your opinions.

[saraispiel19]

Girlie he moved cities for you! He loves you and if a close friend says so then it must ring true.

 

Look you need to get whatever it is your feeling and move past it stop fixiating about how it was a rebound relationship it's obviously not have been because rebounds don't last more than a month. SO IT'S NOT A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. Your "perfect guy" just so happened to come soon after the rotten one left.

 

I would be happy if I were you; appreciate that he is this great guy you seem to describe and embrace your relationship and enjoy each moment.

 

Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with the other poster that this guy seems very dedicated to you. It does appear that you are fixating on your past relationship..why? Are you still into this guy? Do you think because your current relationship isn't "perfect" that being with your ex would have been better?

 

He is your EX because he broke up with you and ended the relationship. That shows you right there that he is NOT "perfect" because he was dumb enough to let you go. Your current boyfriend changed his whole life for you and sounds like he really does love you.

 

My advice is to stop focusing on the past..esp. when you've got a kick butt boyfriend in the present.

[Ronni_W]

Ruby.

I've had a similar experience. For me, the deal was to 'heal' the crap from my old relationship, instead of just bringing it forward with me.

 

It is more difficult to do that when one is already in a new relationships because, during the process, one often needs HUGE periods of "alone time/space". And it takes a LOT of effort to ensure that one is meeting own needs but also is not being unfairly self-focused.

 

It can be emotionally exhausting. For me, I was okay dealing with that because my new guy was more than worth my extra effort.

 

We talked about why/what I needed to heal, and I would let him know that "some internal crap is coming up for me...time for me to go figure it out, rather than let it infect us."

 

Wishing you the best of luck

[Ruby Slippers]

I left my ex -- sorry I didn't make that clear. Finally making that decision was very painful, though.

 

It does appear that you are fixating on your past relationship..why? Are you still into this guy? Do you think because your current relationship isn't "perfect" that being with your ex would have been better?

I feel that my ex and I were more emotionally in tune. I really felt as though he was my male counterpart, my "soulmate", if you will. He had his problems, but for the most part things just clicked with him.

 

After some months of not talking right after the breakup, once I felt I had pretty much recovered, the ex and I resumed contact as friends. I was in a new phase of trying to actually be friends with exes, something I have never been able to do in the past. I was inspired in this by my new guy, as he is in occasional touch on a friendly basis with most of his exes. We even went to the out-of-town birthday party of one of them and stayed in her guest room overnight.

 

With the help of a friend, I figured out that though my ex wasn't overtly trying to intrude into my relationship, he may have been trying to use subtle manipulation to win me back. He told me a couple of months ago that he thinks he drove me away, it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he will always regret it.

 

At that point, I pulled back on contact. He seems to be getting the hint that I want the contact to be more distant (I hope). It is clear to me now that contact with him needs to be minimal. If that doesn't happen naturally, I will tell him it's what I need.

 

It is more difficult to do that when one is already in a new relationships because, during the process, one often needs HUGE periods of "alone time/space".

I think you're right that I may need more "me" time to completely move past this and move into the new life I have started for myself in a new city. I don't expect my boyfriend will have any problem with that.

 

Thanks for your feedback. This is helpful. Keep it coming!

[Lauriebell82]

I feel that my ex and I were more emotionally in tune. I really felt as though he was my male counterpart, my "soulmate", if you will. He had his problems, but for the most part things just clicked with him.

 

Why did you break up with him if I may ask?

 

 

With the help of a friend, I figured out that though my ex wasn't overtly trying to intrude into my relationship, he may have been trying to use subtle manipulation to win me back. He told me a couple of months ago that he thinks he drove me away, it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he will always regret it.

 

This is why being friends with exs usually doesn't work. I suggest cutting all contact and concentrating on the relationship with your bf.

 

Overall, I think it's a very good idea to concentrate on yourself as well. Give yourself some "me" time like you said. Go out and do things you enjoy, take up a new hobby, ect.

 

Please stop analyzing your relationship and just enjoy it!!!