My girl friend wants sex but not a commitment

[WorriedOne]

I'm in some need of advice.

 

I have been seeing this girl for the past month. It started out pretty fast, we had sex on our 4th date and since then we have spent a lot of time together. For example, last weekend I was at her place for two days straight. I have met her sister, was invited to go to her sister's wedding this Friday, etc. Everything is fast, but good. She has been for the most part the aggressor, setting up plans, initiating sex, etc.

 

Well, late last night she tells me that she's going out of town to visit with a friend, Saturday-Tuesday. She sounded ambiguous so I asked her if this was a *male* friend. She said yes. I asked her if I should be worried and she said "you don't need to worry about anything", but didn't elaborate on their friendship at all. Not who he was, what he did, why she was spending the weekend with him, etc. Any of those things would have made me feel more relaxed but she made no effort.

 

(Hold on, I'm getting to the juicy part.)

 

She has told me that her last 2 relationships were long-distance relationships. Asked why, she said that they seemed easier to measure and pace when the person wasn't in town.

 

So I thought about this last night and this morning I called her and asked her for some clarification on our relationship. I asked her where she stood on the exclusivity issue with us.

 

"I really enjoy being with you but I am not ready for that yet."

 

I said I understood and that I would talk with her later. End of conversation.

 

OK now ladies, this is where I need your help.

 

My feeling is that there is a good chance that this guy she is going to see is possibly more than a friend.

 

I also feel that anytime sex comes into the picture that things need to become exclusive. I am not interested in having sex (or dating, for that matter) a girl who can become so close to a guy and be intimate with him and then turn around and date another guy.

 

Was she telling me "I am not ready to get serious yet" or is she telling me "I am still interested in dating other guys" ?

 

It is just so odd. When we wake up in bed together she will cuddle, call me pet names, and I have heard her tell me more than once that she is so glad to have me in my life.

 

How do you people read this situation? FYI, she is 29 and I am 34.

[sortofconfused]

hmmm, im gonna have to say that this girl is trouble. End it and move on, it is crazy for you, a 34 yr old man to be wasting your time with whoreish girl.

[tanbark813]

My feeling is that there is a good chance that this guy she is going to see is possibly more than a friend.

 

Yes, there's also a "good chance" the sun will be rising again tomorrow.

 

Was she telling me "I am not ready to get serious yet" or is she telling me "I am still interested in dating other guys" ?

 

The bolded one.

[Untouchable_Fire]

How do you people read this situation? FYI, she is 29 and I am 34.

 

I would not consider her to have any serious relationship potential.

 

I'd just ask her to be brutally honest. I would say... "look it's your life and you can do what you want... but I need to know who and what your exposing me to if you wish to continue our current relationship."

 

In turn you should let her know if you start sleeping with anyone else... though it sounds like you should probably just dump her.

[AndyW]

I agree with Untouchable_Fire. First just ask! You have every right to know what is going on when you are sleeping with someone. If you don't like her answer then bail.

 

Doesn't sound good though.

[WorriedOne]

Thanks for the advice, but I am wondering why my female friend is telling me that I shouldn't bail out on her yet. This is a friend who has great female intuition.

[WorriedOne]

I agree with Untouchable_Fire. First just ask! You have every right to know what is going on when you are sleeping with someone. If you don't like her answer then bail.

 

Doesn't sound good though.

 

Well, I think I already have the answer, don't I? She will not commit at this stage.

 

It's like the Bachelor show on TV: this person who is kissing, saying all these sweet things to me and makes me feel great....then turns around and is potentially doing the same with someone else. That's just a huge turn-off.

[MadDog]

I don't think you have as much of a problem as you think. Since she's not ready to commit, that means you don't have to either. Date some other girls at the same time and who knows? You may either find someone better or you two may end up wanting to become exclusive. Either way, worrying about it like you are now is pointless.

 

MD

[SpikeyChick]

Thanks for the advice, but I am wondering why my female friend is telling me that I shouldn't bail out on her yet. This is a friend who has great female intuition.

 

Oh my Gawd- taking advice from a female friend is bad.

 

Your "girlfriend " is "still shopping" .. she wants all the rewards of being with you BUT not the committment and the restrictions that come with that.

I guess that we have all met at least one person in our lives who tries to pull this off. THis has pain written all over it if you tolerate her having a "friend "..

Call me old fashioned BUT when a person starts dating and sleeping with someone ,then both of you stop seeing/dating/ f**king others.

You are perfectly entitled to state this to her and if she does not like this and accuses you of being "possessive or demanding or immature", DUMP her. Just walk away.

Beware of any of these nonsense words that women use to shame men into backing down, so that she can get it all her own way.

Even if she sees this other guy as a "friend" there is nothing in your story to indicate what HIS intentions are ?

A "friendship" is just that only if BOTH parties have NO romantic interest in each other.

 

Remember this - you are ENTITLED to know the full facts of her relationship with this other guy. Do not accept some PC crap about her "privacy" or her need to " retain her personal freedom " It is all a scam. Stand your ground and do not let this issue go UNTIL you are satisfied with what you hear from her -or are horrified enough to walk away.

[D-Lish]

It hasn't been that long IMO!

I wouldn't be committing to someone after a month... but then again- I probably wouldn't be having sex with them if I wasn't in it for more then just a booty call.

 

I think you can interpret her answer as "I like you, but I am just not ready to take it a step further yet"... Many guys feel this way after a month too... it's still a feeling out period. Nothing wrong with that.

 

If you think she is seeing this other guy and feel uncomfortable with this- rightly so... If sex = committment for you- it might be worthwhile to perhaps slow things down.

 

If she is simply seeing this guy as a friend... that's another story- but it doesn't sound as if she is...

 

I think the bottom line is that if you think she is going to be sleepung with this guy- you might want to bail if your feelings run deeper then hers at this point. I don't trust someone who wants to have multiple partners for health reasons...

[lahso]

Man, I'm in the same boat right now. I have no actual facts that the girl I've been dating for about 1.5 months is seeing other people... But she isn't willing to commit to me. I feel like she is still 'shopping'.

 

I intend to bring it up to her tomorrow night. The reality is, we know we like each other, we have tons of fun together, and we have great sex. I don't expect someone to be in a full-fledged relationship, but I feel like if she was truly into me, she wouldn't still need to be shopping.

 

Good luck... Be prepared to walk away. I guess I am.

 

~J

[Star Gazer]

I asked her where she stood on the exclusivity issue with us.

 

"I really enjoy being with you but I am not ready for that yet."

 

Was she telling me "I am not ready to get serious yet" or is she telling me "I am still interested in dating other guys" ?

 

"Serious"? No. This means, quite plainly, using her own words, that she is "not ready to be exclusive" with you (if ever). Not exclusive = keeping options open = being able to see other guys. Not sure how much more clear that can be.

 

My feeling is that there is a good chance that this guy she is going to see is possibly more than a friend.

 

Very possible.

 

I also feel that anytime sex comes into the picture that things need to become exclusive. I am not interested in having sex (or dating, for that matter) a girl who can become so close to a guy and be intimate with him and then turn around and date another guy.

 

I agree with you, hence the reason I establish exclusivity BEFORE having sex.

 

It is just so odd. When we wake up in bed together she will cuddle, call me pet names, and I have heard her tell me more than once that she is so glad to have me in my life.

 

Ahhhh, the female player. Gotta love it.

[Balthazar]

A woman who wants sex and no commitment....

 

 

Let me think about this....

 

 

I can do that. No problem.

[lovestruck818]

I'm in some need of advice.

 

I have been seeing this girl for the past month. It started out pretty fast, we had sex on our 4th date and since then we have spent a lot of time together. For example, last weekend I was at her place for two days straight. I have met her sister, was invited to go to her sister's wedding this Friday, etc. Everything is fast, but good. She has been for the most part the aggressor, setting up plans, initiating sex, etc.

 

Well, late last night she tells me that she's going out of town to visit with a friend, Saturday-Tuesday. She sounded ambiguous so I asked her if this was a *male* friend. She said yes. I asked her if I should be worried and she said "you don't need to worry about anything", but didn't elaborate on their friendship at all. Not who he was, what he did, why she was spending the weekend with him, etc. Any of those things would have made me feel more relaxed but she made no effort.

 

(Hold on, I'm getting to the juicy part.)

 

She has told me that her last 2 relationships were long-distance relationships. Asked why, she said that they seemed easier to measure and pace when the person wasn't in town.

 

So I thought about this last night and this morning I called her and asked her for some clarification on our relationship. I asked her where she stood on the exclusivity issue with us.

 

"I really enjoy being with you but I am not ready for that yet."

 

I said I understood and that I would talk with her later. End of conversation.

 

OK now ladies, this is where I need your help.

 

My feeling is that there is a good chance that this guy she is going to see is possibly more than a friend.

 

I also feel that anytime sex comes into the picture that things need to become exclusive. I am not interested in having sex (or dating, for that matter) a girl who can become so close to a guy and be intimate with him and then turn around and date another guy.

 

Was she telling me "I am not ready to get serious yet" or is she telling me "I am still interested in dating other guys" ?

 

It is just so odd. When we wake up in bed together she will cuddle, call me pet names, and I have heard her tell me more than once that she is so glad to have me in my life.

 

How do you people read this situation? FYI, she is 29 and I am 34.

 

A good rule of thumb for future reference, or at least for me, is don't have sex with them until they give u the commitment. I told my boyfriend that I was not having sex until we were committed. He had no problem with that...about 2 weeks later he gave me the official "girlfriend" title and commitment speech and we did the deed. Now, whether he is with me for the sex or because he likes me, I don't know, but it's been almost 6 months now...so obv. I am doing something right. That way at least you can't feel like you have been used...b/c if a relationship didn't work out then at least there would have been no sex involved.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm assuming you would not like us to tell you that you should have established exclusivity (or lack there of) before having sex.

 

This whole thing would have been avoided if you had done just that. She told you she didn't want to be exclusive: like everyone else that means that she doesn't want to see just you, she wants to keep her options open and date other guys. If that's something you are not cool with then you need to bail.

 

I think you need to have another talk with her. Don't pressure her to commit, but maybe suggest that you take things a little slower and maybe not spend the night together until she is ready to be exclusive. It doesn't sound like you are too thrilled with the idea of being jsut another one of her bedmates so do something about it if you don't like it.

[t_veron]

You must be dating the same girl I was. She was 29 and after she asked for commitment and exclusivity she began doing the same as you mentioned. Out of town visits with friends who I found later were long distance exes.

 

Basically they want to have the fall back guy (YOU) who's always there when they need it... aggressive women are like men who are players... and they want to have a little variety in their sex partners. They constantly need attention from different men to validate their worth.

 

If you are getting emotionally attatched then dump her and leave. Otherwise if you can control your emtions and NEVER fall for her because once they don't respect you it's gone forever. She obviously doesn't respect you enough to be exclusive and committ.

 

She still wants to play around so that doesn't make her a bad person it's just bad timing for both of you and different set of goals. Plus I think you like her way more than she likes you so you're probably making excuses for a lot of bad behavior she does and she's lost respect for you because of it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She still wants to play around so that doesn't make her a bad person it's just bad timing for both of you and different set of goals.

 

If she isn't willing to be honest about her activities and intentions... then yes that does make her a bad person.

[AriaIncognito]

IMHO it sounds like the sex complicates things for you. If you want to be in a committed relationship, and she doesn't, then you should probably stop sleeping together. Nothing complicates feelings more than doing the deed.

 

Personally, I wont sleep with someone without knowing where it's going. I did that with my last ex and while we dated for 18 months, we were never what I wanted (he never ever called me his girlfriend) and I can't risk facing that same pain again.

 

It sounds to me like you hold sex to be very special as well, and therefore things are getting complicated.

 

So, until you know you are on the same page, maybe take a step back, or leave this girl altogether. If it's meant to be, it will be...

[fishtaco]

A woman who wants sex and no commitment....

 

 

Let me think about this....

 

 

I can do that. No problem.

 

Exactly. Let's say you dump her, and then hit a dry spell for the next 10 months. Did you know if you don't have sex for 6 month you re-gain your virginity?

 

Ok I was joking, but you get my point.

 

Here's the break down:

 

- She likes you, but she doesn't want to be exclusive.

- You are looking for a serious and exclusive relationship.

 

I don't see any problem here. Keep looking while you have sex with her. When you find the right one, then end things with her and be exclusive with the woman that wants to be exclusive with you. This is nothing bad, she wants to be casual, so be casual. This is what a casual relationship means. And the best part, a casual relationship doesn't stop you from going out a finding a serious one.

 

I see no conflict here unless you're in love with her and must have her. If you fall in love after one month and you're not a teenager, you might want to re-evaluate your emotional decision making.

 

Oh, and if you're not exclusive, you are not bf/gf. But you can't point finger at her and call her names unless she promised you exclusivity but is dating other guys anyway. And exclusivity isn't assumed or implied, you both have to agree to it, with no other interpretation possible.

[t_veron]

If she isn't willing to be honest about her activities and intentions... then yes that does make her a bad person.

 

True but to her defense she isn't being dishonest. She did mention the trips and a male friend. I think she's just being more tactful and it's up to you to read between the lines. That's how this new generation of "players" let you know their agenda.

 

I don't think it's too much for me to assume that if I told my girlfriend I'm going to be visiting an old ex and staying with her that we'll be sleeping together. Even if I wasn't planning on it, just the fact she let me go without a fight, I would have sex to show her how stupid she was. So this could be a way for people to gage your interest in them. Personally best thing to do is play it off and say whatever. If she goes it's time to move on... if she doesn't go then it was a test and you didn't fall for her game.