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Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact. Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me. But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me? Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me. It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.

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Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact. Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me. But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me? Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me. It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.

 

 

This is a really hard thihng to deal with. From my experiences its very very tough to get over something like this.. its going to eat at you like it happen yesterday... if you fight its going to be difficult for you not to throw it in her face..

 

I think it was the right thing for her to tell you about what happen... However drunk or not, Why is she kisssing other ppl.. Its really up to you whether or not you can work through this with her.

 

If you both really love eachother then try and work it out.... some people just dont think when they are intoxicated...

 

Good Luck and keep us posted

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lovelorcet

10 vacation with out you...

 

I think she most likely f*cked him and is just dumping her guilt with this kissing story...

 

Sorry to be the barrier of bad news... but this is what chicks do...

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Sorry to be the barrier of bad news... but this is what chicks do...

 

No, this is what b!tches do.... :D

 

My STBXW did this very same thing at her friend's birthday party and she knew the guy. She didn't tell me about it. A few months later when she was drunk again, she let the story slip to my sister in-law. She told my brother, my brother called my wife, gave her the ultimatum to either tell me about it or he would. Definitely not a good way to find out, so be thankful your girl has at least enough class to own up to her mistakes.

 

My X put herself in those situations all the time, and as much as she tried to assure me nothing would happen, it did. She felt it was harmless, and that shredded any trust I had left in her. This wasn't the only reason we split up, but it was definitely the first strike.

 

Sounds like you're willing to look past this incident and give her another chance. It will take some time to rebuild your trust. You can't dwell on it though, or it will eat you up.

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I am sorry if this is such a big deal to me and I appreciate the feedback. lovelorcet, I hope what you wrote is not true, because I think I would be hurt so much more if she did more than kiss him. I felt bad to do this, but I did pry for details because I thought it would help me feel better, even though my heart was going to pound out of chest when I was asking her what really happened. She said that she was being very flirtatious being drunk and probably invited the kiss. And when he kissed her she didn't stop him at first and kissed back and then eventually stopped it. She is gorgeous, but has a low self-esteem, so when other guys give her attention, she eats it up. This is really her only drawback; otherwise we really are perfect for each other. Given all this, and the fact that she confessed it to me over the phone probably only 12 hours after it happened I don't want to admit that she did more with this guy. I want to be sensitive to her feelings to and wonder how much I should pry/accuse to get the truth. I want to find the best way to work this out. OUCH.

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lovelorcet

You are not going to like what I am going to say...

 

I have been in your shoes, it took me 6 months to get the whole truth. It sucked... But after my experience I started to realize just how widespread this behavior really is.

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WorriedOne

There is not enough information here to draw a conclusion about your girlfriend.

 

Do you deserve a woman who would do such things as kiss another man? You sound like a nice guy, why would you want that in your life?

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Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship. However, she is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact.

 

She is setting you up it sounds like to me. She is conditioning you so she can get away with her flirting, and whatever else, in the future.

 

 

 

Still, throughout the day it began to eat away at my heart and I can't eat or sleep. My first reaction is that I want to be with this girl forever and she feels the same with me.

 

Then why be all flirtatious with other guys? Sorry, there are going to be people here that say there is nothing wrong with flirting.

 

If I have the woman of my dreams, why would I go out, get drunk without her, and flirt with other women?

Only one reason why, because I'd want the attention of other women, therefore my woman wouldn't mean much to me when not in my presence.

 

 

 

But the fact that she can do that, does that make it that she can't be that serious about me?

 

I'd say so. Why does she feel the need to go out and get drunk without you and flirt with other guys?

 

 

Is it appropriate to suggest that she maybe doesn't flirt so much and especially not to be in situations with three guys, flirting while drunk on her 10 day-long vacation away from me.

 

10 day-long vacation without you? drunk and around other guys?

 

I'm not saying she cheated, but cheaters do have a habit of telling half truths to cover up a whole lie.

 

Example, say she cheated and did more with this guy...should could come home, tell you another guy kissed her, and she looks trustworthy because she "confessed". And then in her mind she wouldn't have done anything wrong because at least she told you something.

 

Again, not saying she did, but there are red flags here as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

It drives me nuts. How do I figure if I can trust her? Now I feel like I will be worried every time she is out as we are apart a lot in a long distance relationship.

 

It wouldn't be out of line for you to show her that it upsets you, even gets you a little mad, that she is flirting with other guys and going out and drinking while with other guys.

 

Again, some will say there is nothing wrong with that, but lets talk a little common sense....someone who parties alot without their significant other, and flirts heavily while partying probably doesn't have a great track record of being faithful.

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She is gorgeous, but has a low self-esteem, so when other guys give her attention, she eats it up.

 

There is the problem. She is gorgeous and that is why you are with her.

 

And she eats up this attention. Sorry to say, that is the kind of person that ends up cheating. You think simple little attention boosts her ego? Hooking up with other guys will boost it even more.

 

 

This is really her only drawback;

 

And that drawback would be enough for me to kick her to the curb and let her be someone elses problem. I don't care how "gorgeous" she is.

 

 

Given all this, and the fact that she confessed it to me over the phone probably only 12 hours after it happened I don't want to admit that she did more with this guy.

 

Again, more than likely a half truth to cover up a whole lie

 

 

I want to be sensitive to her feelings to and wonder how much I should pry/accuse to get the truth.

 

Oh no you didn't!! You want to be sensitive to the feelings of a girl that could care less how low she makes you feel by going off, partying without you, and hooking up with other guys??

 

She sure as hell aint sensitive to your feelings.

 

I know you think she is gorgeous, but you are thinking with your d!ck. Dump her...otherwise you will be facing more heartache with this fickle girl than you are experiencing now...I guarantee it.

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If you truly love her then you tell her that the "flirting"has to stop & that you cannot put your trust in her anymore. I mean oyu have EVERY right to feel torn up inside.. anyone would ! It seems to me that she is very self absorbed & if you do not say it to her & let her know how it made you feel then you are basically giving her a ticket to continue that type of behavior. Also.. & i'm sorry if this sounds harsh.. but i'm sure it isn't the first time & most likely will not be the last. If she needs that much attention that she wouold openly flirt with other men & ultimatly kiss another man then she is not ready to be in a "committed " relationship. Also.. think about what actually may have happened. How many times have you made out with a girl & didn't touch her or feel her in other places.. Especially a drunk one. You don't want that & not to mention the fact that if it did go further then kissing, just think that she has brought home that guy & EVERYONE else that he has slept with, & so on, & so on.. Put a stop to it or you will only end up with much more hurt :confused:

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Thank you. This is all good advice, even though it puts a lump in my chest to read it. I will certainly have to pressure her to give me the whole truth even if it makes me out to sound accusatory and maybe seem like a dick. But as you have indicated, I have the right to do this. I hope that I can come to the resolution that that it was only a small kiss and nothing more happened. If I am comfortable with that we will try to repair our relationship (which was seemingly perfect before this happened-- I just want it back). Then, as you advised, I will insist that she change her way of being caught in situations. To stop the flirting. I hope that she will not want to take a vacation away from me again. She realizes her problem of low self esteem and I will insist that we work on that. I will need to feel that she is very much in love with me. I don't want to force her to beg, but in a sense, I hope she does. We will have to adjust our relationship to realize the flirting is not harmless. We were too open before and I didn't take it seriously. I didn't want to be a dick. I hope I can do this all, be firm and even show her how hurt and pissed I am, but yet not ruin our relationship. I deeply hope it is not ruined. I get the sense from most of you that it can be repaired, but I have to be very cautious from now on. She still is a great girl and many incredible attributes, such as hard-worker, intelligent, funny, and of course that intangible thing where we seem to be the only two who "get" each other. Best friends before we dated...etc. . .

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The girl of your dreams kisses other guys? Interesting...

 

If it was just a kiss, then so what? It's just a kiss. That doesn't mean very much. If she had sex, then it's time to end the relationship.

 

MD

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The girl of your dreams kisses other guys? Interesting...

 

If it was just a kiss, then so what? It's just a kiss. That doesn't mean very much. If she had sex, then it's time to end the relationship.

 

MD

yes, it is true that this new incident makes her less of my dream girl than before. Before I thought she was perfectly faithful. But before that, she had everything I wanted. You make a good point though.

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SpikeyChick
Please give me advice. I have been dating the girl of my dreams for over a year and we are in a serious, committed relationship.

 

This "woman" is not fit to be in a stable "committed relationship ".

Dump her - she is an attention wh0re who will break your heart.

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Untouchable_Fire
I don't want to force her to beg, but in a sense, I hope she does. We will have to adjust our relationship to realize the flirting is not harmless. We were too open before and I didn't take it seriously. I didn't want to be a dick. I hope I can do this all, be firm and even show her how hurt and pissed I am, but yet not ruin our relationship. I deeply hope it is not ruined. I get the sense from most of you that it can be repaired, but I have to be very cautious from now on. She still is a great girl and many incredible attributes, such as hard-worker, intelligent, funny, and of course that intangible thing where we seem to be the only two who "get" each other. Best friends before we dated...etc. . .

 

Listen... if you come in and just tell her what to do or not do... she is going to resent you for it.

 

It's best that you say something like... "I'm having trouble trusting you now. We are still together because you were honest with me, but I need to know what you plan to do to regain my trust."

 

This will tell you exactly where she is at on the issue, and your not telling her what to do.

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Untouchable_Fire thank you. This is the kind of advice I need. I don't want her to resent me and ruin this. I do not want to be walked over, as other have suggested to. I think what you said to say sounds like what I will go with. Do you think it would be okay to ask her to stop flirting? She is a very sweet girl, and I think she will give a lot to make this work now too. I am going to go pick her up from the airport when she gets back in and I hope we can have a nice long talk, in person, tomorrow night. I hope hope hope it all works out.

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Untouchable_Fire
Do you think it would be okay to ask her to stop flirting? She is a very sweet girl, and I think she will give a lot to make this work now too. I am going to go pick her up from the airport when she gets back in and I hope we can have a nice long talk, in person, tomorrow night. I hope hope hope it all works out.

 

I would not ask her to stop flirting.

 

I would ask her why she flirts. I would ask her if she feels guilty when she flirts with other men. I would ask her if she feels that it is disrespectful to me when she does this. I would ask her what she thinks other men are feeling when she flirts with them... ect.

 

If she puts some serious thought into it... and comes to the conclusion that it's Ok to flirt with other guys... You don't want her!

 

I would typically start off by admitting that I myself am not perfect, and that I hope if some of my actions bother her she feels good coming to me and talking about it. Just as You are about to do with her.

 

Anyway... that's just me.

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SpikeyChick

She is a huge flirt with other guys and it didn't bother me until she let a man kiss her when she was drunk. She confessed to it the morning after which is the right thing to do. Secondly, she felt horrible about it and was very impressed that I didn't overreact.

 

You are not getting what is going on here.

 

Firstly she is an habitual flirt (in front of you ) . THis is disrespectful to you and the committment between you,. (Attention wh0ring and ego feeding on her part )

She confessed about the KISS to get a burst of attention from you.

Yep - this girl is NOT feeling remorse, because if she was capable of considering your feelings, and she recognized the damage that flirting causes, she would not have done it in the first place.

She "confessed": to yank your chain..and get YOU on the ropes.

This is a common game played by women who manipulate men via flirting. They play one guy against the other all for some cheap ego boost,

So now you are upset and she knows it - she has gotten a REACTION out of you. She got attention from her kissy guy friend and now she is going to get attention from you which comes from your upset and resentment. She wins DOUBLE.

However she also wins by not having you "overreact" which means that she is glad that you did not dump her a$$ and walk away - In other words she got away with it so far.

 

My advice - pull back and go non-exclusive until she proves her worth again (or not) .

"Talking" to Attention Wh0res about their cheap flirting feeds them exactly what they want - more ATTENTION. YOu get that ?

 

YOu need to give her LESS to make her feel the sting of the consequences of her behavior.

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Citizen Erased
10 vacation with out you...

 

I think she most likely f*cked him and is just dumping her guilt with this kissing story...

 

Sorry to be the barrier of bad news... but this is what chicks do...

 

That's interesting. You should tell that to my boyfriend who did the same thing at the start of our relationship. I don't think he slept with her but hey, I guess he probably did because it's what guys do :rolleyes:

 

What a complete load of BS. :rolleyes:

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Ruby Slippers

Something similar happened to me in the beginning of my relationship. I had been with my boyfriend for a few months (long distance). I was visiting my parents at Christmastime, and I was out with an old friend of mine who's gay and has lots of gay friends who love to party. Long story short, at this gay club, all these gay men were being touchy and flirty with me -- harmless, I thought, cuz they're gay!

 

I walked by this shirtless guy and touched his back to squeeze by, and he turned around and totally laid one on me. I was very drunk (I usually don't drink much, but the gay boys kept buying me drinks), so it took me a second to realize what was happening and pull away. I was too loopy to realize the kiss was coming and deflect it, but I did feel bad and guilty that it had happened, that I had not been aware enough to prevent it. I told my boyfriend on the phone that night, and explained in more detail the next day, when I was sober.

 

I've never cheated on anyone, and I'm a loyal person, so I felt really bad and to this day view it as a small blemish on my otherwise clean record. I told him I was very sorry it had happened, and said that I would not let myself get so inebriated out at a club without him ever again. Of course he wasn't pleased that it had happened, but he forgave me pretty quickly.

 

I think you should definitely follow up on this with your girlfriend and discuss what she plans to do in the future to prevent this kind of thing from happening. It is her job now to rebuild the trust that has been damaged and reassure you through her actions that it won't happen again.

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I am sure everyone has experienced this kind of thing and I am thankful for the advice. I cannot sleep or eat for the past two days. That is probably normal, right? Because my mind is thinking about it all the time, which is causing my heart to beat out of my chest, keeping me awake, and not having an appetite.

 

Is it okay for your girlfriend to go on a vacation without you? This one was a running race and many jock men there. Apparently this guy had a girlfriend and those two broke up. Also, is it okay to sleep on a guy friend's couch (not the guy she kissed but another "friend").

 

It disappointed me that the next night, the night of the day she told me, she went again with the guy friend. They tried to call the guy who kissed her to all hang out again a second night. I can't help imagining that something would have happened again, and probably gone further this time. This is after her remorse from that morning. I tried to talk to her that same night, when she was waiting to go out for a second night, I was hurt and needed to talk, but she was cold and said that she needed to go to this festival. She said that if I didn't want her to go, that she wouldn't, but I couldn't do that, she would have resented me. It is good thing that the guy she kissed didn't answer his phone (he was in the process of getting dumped by his girlfriend). She still stayed back and talked to this guy friend over some drinks and talked about their relationship problems. I think she means her uncertainly of being in a mature, committed relationship, because otherwise our relationship is really great except for the long distance.

 

Is it okay to expect your significant other not to get drunk when away, especially around other guys?

 

Btw, another thing that bites, is that the guy that kissed her doesn't even pronounce her name right, which usually annoys her. So he can compliment her and make her feel good, but doesn't even care enough to say her name right. ****, sorry for venting. I probably deserve to read the comments you're going to give me.

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SpikeyChick

 

Is it okay to expect your significant other not to get drunk when away, especially around other guys?

 

It is perfectly OK to expect your G/f to stay sober - if you are NOT ok with her drinking like this then her drinking is NOT OK.

This chick is walking all over you, my man. and you need to put a stop to it . You have made the mistake of letting her do whatever she pleased in the relationship instead of setting limits for her. Women like her need to be "managed" otherwise they run wild.

Now go back and re-read my post above, #19, and post back when you are ready to take action instead of just venting and whining...

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SpikeyChick, you sound right. I think it is okay for me to have her expect not to talk to this guy anymore. She really wouldn't have any reason to except to damage our relationship. I found out from a friend who has facebook that they just became facebook friends now. It looks like it is over. I wish she could fix this problem of hers, because she is a wonderful woman otherwise. I do not deserve this and hope to find a lady that had her good traits, but not this bad one.

It is perfectly OK to expect your G/f to stay sober - if you are NOT ok with her drinking like this then her drinking is NOT OK.

This chick is walking all over you, my man. and you need to put a stop to it . You have made the mistake of letting her do whatever she pleased in the relationship instead of setting limits for her. Women like her need to be "managed" otherwise they run wild.

Now go back and re-read my post above, #19, and post back when you are ready to take action instead of just venting and whining...

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amerikajin
Untouchable_Fire thank you. This is the kind of advice I need. I don't want her to resent me and ruin this. I do not want to be walked over, as other have suggested to. I think what you said to say sounds like what I will go with. Do you think it would be okay to ask her to stop flirting? She is a very sweet girl, and I think she will give a lot to make this work now too. I am going to go pick her up from the airport when she gets back in and I hope we can have a nice long talk, in person, tomorrow night. I hope hope hope it all works out.

 

You're worried about her resenting you? No way, she's the one in the wrong here, not you. At the same time, UF is spot on. You gotta be careful about using this incident as leverage and pushing her into a corner. It is what it is and at least she was decent enough to tell you about it and she is remorseful. People do make mistakes, and I don't think you necessarily always have to end a relationship over something like this. Does it damage trust and does it really stifle whatever progress you guys were making? Absolutely, and she needs to know that. Her telling you about it doesn't change the fact that it happened; it's just that this was the most decent thing she could have done under the circumstances.

 

I would tell her that, from now on, she had really better make a major effort to control her flirting. I mean, it's hard not to flirt at all, but I would say absolutely no touching whatsoever. Beyond that I would tell her to try to use her best judgment. What would be unacceptable to her is probably going to be unacceptable to you as well.

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