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I don't know why his statement is bothering me


EyeAlone

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So my boyfriend and I had a large disagreement a couple of weeks ago. Basically we weren't communicating well and we had to get everything on the table so we'll be on the same page with everything. Now everything is hunky dory and going smoothly but there was a statement he made during the disagreement that slightly bothers me.

 

I asked him where does he want this relationship to go. He seemed very frustrated at the moment with this whole disagreement and said that he's not a big planner. He doesn't like to plan ahead for the future. I then asked him if he wants to take the relationship day by day and he said yes. Later in the disagreement I asked him if he wants to stay in the relationship and he said yes. I purposely altered my question because I was more concerned about the present rather than future.

 

Anyway, I was casually talking about the whole disagreement with some friends and when I got that to that one conversation they said that it's not a good sign when a guy says that he's unsure about the future. Now I'm trying to approach this logically because hey, when it comes down to it, no one knows what's going to happen in the future. It shouldn't be a huge deal that he's unsure, or should it be? I think the reason why I'm concerned is because I don't want to be in a relationship where the guy is unsure about his feelings towards me.

 

Does anyone have any comments about this?

 

By the way, we're in our 20s, been dating for a year and a half (10 of those months were long distance), and we live together.

 

Thanks!

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If you were having a heated disagreement, keep in mind that a lot of stupid 5hit will be said when two people have their heads on fire. I don't believe that ANYTHING should be taken at face value when two people are pissed off with each other.

 

Bring the subject up again when you're both in a better mood, and you'll get a more accurate picture of what both you and him are thinking.

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I asked him where does he want this relationship to go. He seemed very frustrated at the moment with this whole disagreement and said that he's not a big planner. He doesn't like to plan ahead for the future. I then asked him if he wants to take the relationship day by day and he said yes. Later in the disagreement I asked him if he wants to stay in the relationship and he said yes. I purposely altered my question because I was more concerned about the present rather than future.

 

 

Well see, the way you report it here, he didn't actually say he's unsure about the future - he says he's not a big planner. I'm not a big planner - my bf is - so I can tell you that there's a huge difference between the two statements

do you like to plan ahead? No

are you unsure about the future of our R? (you don't have that answer).

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Hi. I have experienced a similar scenario in dating. Like the other poster mentioned, some people aren't big into planning certain things in the future that are heavily dependent on the actions of another person. This is in no way a reflection on how a guy feels about the future with a GF. It's just a realization that no one really knows the future of a relationship and how the other person will be, so it's futile to try to plan it out ahead of time. So I think you and your friends you consulted with are probably read too much into this.

 

I think the you are making him less certain about the future more than more certain by questioning your BF about it. Another thing is he might sense that you're really actually trying to gauge how much he is into you and wants a future with you. So he maybe inclined to hold back on answering that. I think you should focus on the present and how that is going and the future will work its self out.

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I asked him where does he want this relationship to go.

 

He seemed very frustrated at the moment with this whole disagreement and said that he's not a big planner.

 

He doesn't like to plan ahead for the future.

 

Does he go to college, have a job, have a savings account? Then he does plan for the future.

 

You asked him what he wants for the two of you, and he said he's not a planner. I don't think he actually answered your question. I think he evaded answering it because he either didn't know, or didn't want to be pinned down to any statement/commitment.

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Of course he plans for the future, he just doesn't know if he wants to plan one with you. If the relationship is going well (aside from this argument) it wouldn't hurt to give it a little more time but don't be surprised the same conversation happens again, maybe even over and over..

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Basically we weren't communicating well and we had to get everything on the table so we'll be on the same page with everything.

 

Is this a cycle for you two? Your concerns about the answer he gave to your question about your future as a couple indicate it is. What do his actions say?

 

So, LDR to living together in 18 months and no plan. Hmm...sounds like there have been some plans all along :)

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What you expected he will say in a heated debate?

 

Actually throw some more of these emotional-blackmail questions and you seal your future with him for sure. More so, you now made a connection in his brain DISAGREEMENT-BAD FEELINGS-FUTURE of OUR RELATIONSHIP :D

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Oh man, I hope I haven't screwed things up that bad. :(

 

No you haven't screwed anything up. LS just seems to be very prone to fear tactics and negative premonitions today...

 

Listen, the point of my post was to try and help you dedramatize.

 

Stay rational EyeAlone and, at a moment when you are both calm - and at a moment when you are feeling loved and confident - ask him again how he sees the two of you in the future (or if he sees the two of you together in the future or whatever you feel your question truly is).

 

From there, you can decide whether or not you are both on the same page.

 

Point is, relax and talk to him.

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See I thought his response was somewhat deadpan for a heated debate/argument. Something like "don't let the door hit you in the @ss on the way out!" would've been more my style and obviously over the top that it wouldn't be taken seriously. Did the dosimeter meter needle move off zero during this argument? Were voices actually raised?

 

I would hope he's mature enough to not run away at the first sign of disagreement; my god, I've been dodging pans for years and I'm still slogging away here :D

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Of course he plans for the future, he just doesn't know if he wants to plan one with you.

 

 

And this is probably a big reason why he's not sure:

 

If the relationship is going well (aside from this argument) it wouldn't hurt to give it a little more time but don't be surprised the same conversation happens again, maybe even over and over..

 

It's a positive feedback loop. If you keep harping on something all you're doing is making him have doubts about you and the future. It's pretty simple you are making an uncertain future a fate accomplished.

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Well, actually I don't keep harping on that. That was the first time I've brought up "the future" and I haven't brought it up since. I guess we've implicitly discussed the future by moving in together. He's brought up marriage a couple of times by asking me what some members of one side of my family would think if we got married (he's not Catholic, they're Catholic) and he also said that his mom asked him when we were going to get married. He also sometimes jokes about kids.

 

I'm fine with not getting married. I'd rather be living together in a happy relationship than married in an unhappy relationship.

 

I figured that if he's living with me, not cheating, and seems to be happy in the relationship, then he must be sure of his feelings for me. But now with that conversation with my friends, I'm starting to overanalyze things.

 

If he was really unsure of his feelings, would he really want to be living with me? If I was unsure of mine, I might not necessarily break up with him, but I wouldn't be living with him. Maybe guys think differently?

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I took a quick look at your past posts, and it seems like you have a lot of insecurities about this relationship - are you interesting enough for him, communication issues, etc. - and you always bring it down to the question of whether he is going to get tired of you and leave you.

 

It doesn't work that way. Or, at least, it shouldn't. If he's with you and you're living together, then you ought to feel confident that he is into you. Guys don't move in with women they don't like and are thinking they would just dump at the first sign of disagreement or turbulence.

 

That said, I also think you are pressuring him - and yourself - too much about the future. The future is a very vague question, so all encompassing. What is it that you really want to know? Does he love you? Does he want to be with you? I think you already know that both answers are yes.

 

Do you want to know if he has some concerns about the relationship? Things that he'd like to change? Then ask what you want to know more specifically.

 

But stop asking him every time you put things on the table whether he wants to break up with you. That is very off-putting.

 

Believe me, if he wanted to break up with you, you would know.

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I figured that if he's living with me, not cheating, and seems to be happy in the relationship, then he must be sure of his feelings for me. But now with that conversation with my friends, I'm starting to overanalyze things.

 

See there you go. Take what friends, women on here, and other 3rd parties say with a grain of salt.

 

If he was really unsure of his feelings, would he really want to be living with me? If I was unsure of mine, I might not necessarily break up with him, but I wouldn't be living with him. Maybe guys think differently?

 

Well this is more of an individual question than of a male/female one. You might not as a female live with a guy and be uncertain of the future, but some woman would and vice versa.

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Oh man, I hope I haven't screwed things up that bad. :(

 

Dont worry. I was exaggerating a bit, just to make sure you wont make the same "mistake" twice. Actually my conclusion would have been He sees a future with you. He didnt snapped at you something like "Right now Im seeing myself in a bed with your best friend and you at your mother" after all. :)

 

Dont worry. Worries make you look silly ;)

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I don't know, OP. I'm on the other side of the fence. Either you have someone who doesn't know how to communicate feelings, which I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on, or he is having some doubts.

 

I can just imagine this situation. Moving from a LDR to living together... aww, you can sometimes realize you may have made a mistake. I did that exact thing. After moving in with someone for a little while, I really started doubting my decision. And then, suddenly, started to be someone who "wasn't a big planner".

 

I hope the others are right though. Two big signs of someone doubting a relationship are not planning about the future and becoming irritated with you easily.

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I don't know, OP. I'm on the other side of the fence. Either you have someone who doesn't know how to communicate feelings, which I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on, or he is having some doubts.

 

I can just imagine this situation. Moving from a LDR to living together... aww, you can sometimes realize you may have made a mistake. I did that exact thing. After moving in with someone for a little while, I really started doubting my decision. And then, suddenly, started to be someone who "wasn't a big planner".

 

I hope the others are right though. Two big signs of someone doubting a relationship are not planning about the future and becoming irritated with you easily.

So what did you end up doing?

 

During the disagreement, he did say what he wanted from me and ever since I'm pretty sure that I'm fulfilling it.

 

The other day, he said he was worried about pursuing a particular career path because we may not have a lot of time for each other. So I guess that's thinking about the future with me in it?

 

I don't know, but I'm still a firm believer that if he was unhappy about the relationship then he would make it obvious.

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