rosalie Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 A quick overview - we've been dating 2 months (both in late 30's and divorced) 3 weeks in he said he wanted us to go exclusive. All been going well, being a keen surfer he spends alot of time on the beach so sees plenty of attractive girls, no issue really, I'm no hardbody but try to keep fit and healthy and have no issues with that (I hope that doesn't sound arrogant just want to let you know I'm not insecure in that way ie wearing a bikini on the beach) We were leaving the beach on the weekend, I'm in the car, an attractive girl walks by in a skimpy binkini all of a sudden I hear him saying "how you going?"... OK, let that one go... then we noticed a couple of young (about 19) girls playing on a skateboard in their bikinis in the car park, we commented as one of them had fallen off and had a scrape on her leg... so I let the how you going comment go we drive off and the two skateboards girls are down the road trying to pick up a mattress that had been left on the side of the road... He says "bet there'll be some fun on that" (can live with that one) then "maybe I should let my spare room out to them" WTF?????? You know, I appreciate a good looking guy - but why do you guys do and say this in front of us? I did say it wasn't kosher to do this in front of me - he said the original girl had smiled at him first, which I believe as she was definitely a look at me type and he was being friendly but why not just nod or say hey?? And then why say that about the two girls in front of me? Makes me wonder if I should be backing off actually, what do you guys think? Friends tell me to let it go which mostly I have but, but it was hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Is it really that big of a deal? Would you rather he leer at women when you are not around? I mean, we all look at other people. Some are obvious while others are more discreet. If he is overtly leering and making you feel weird, then call him on it. Otherwise, don't make such a big deal out of it. Maybe he's just comfortable enough with you to say whatever he feels like. Me personally, if I see a good looking man (or woman), I sometimes comment (sometimes in a very silly way). Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosalie Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 You're right as people have been telling me, it did make me feel a little weird so I did call him on it in a joking way but it shouldn't be a big thing, and you are right OB in that he felt comfortable enough to be that way with me. I feel stupid now, should I ignore it and go back to it, or admit to him I was being uptight and ridiculous? That could be seen as bringing it up again? One thing I don't want is for him to feel he can't be himself with me... nearly all the time it's cool, just a bad, insecure moment Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 It's a good way for a someone to judge your possessiveness. If you freak out over comments like this then he may find your level of possession unattractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosalie Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 Wow, I feel even more like **** now as you are both right. I handled it badly, seriously am not normally that way, it was a fragile moment in time and I feel like I've made a massive mistake now Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 You're right as people have been telling me, it did make me feel a little weird so I did call him on it in a joking way but it shouldn't be a big thing, and you are right OB in that he felt comfortable enough to be that way with me. I feel stupid now, should I ignore it and go back to it, or admit to him I was being uptight and ridiculous? That could be seen as bringing it up again? One thing I don't want is for him to feel he can't be himself with me... nearly all the time it's cool, just a bad, insecure moment Don't go by what others tell you. If you really feel his comments were inappropriate, then talk to him about it. Only you can evaluate if this is the case or not. Ask yourself if you were responding from a place of insecurity/possessiveness, etc or if you have cause for concern (i.e. you don't trust him, he has problems with boundaries, etc). Why not join in on it? If you find someone hot, say so. If a dude catches your fancy, let your man know. I mean, if he can dish it out, he's got to be able to take it too, right? Don't stress rosalie. While I'm generally cool about this kind of stuff, I sometimes get a little nutty over it too (but that's just the insecure girl in me that likes to come around once in a while - if you read my recent threads, you'll know what I mean). If you are confident and trust him, don't allow this to bother you. Because that's what it is about...right? Either you think he's the betraying kind or that you're not good enough. Work on those issues (if they exist) and these things won't bother you. Does he disrespect you or make you feel unwanted? Ask yourself where this reaction is coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosalie Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 Thanks OB, it's not coming from jealousy, I know that if someone is going to cheat on you it's actually their issue and not yours. We are still at the new/getting to know you stage that makes you a little freaky... and I can tease and have fun like that, and have in the past, we've joked about the threesome thing but I don't know it just hit me that one time, my thing not his, he is easygoing and I know he likes me, I didn't run with the joke. Silly me. Thanks guys, weird that it took you guys to wake me up Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I don't think I'm insecure, but that last comment about the girls moving in with him would've upset me. Its one thing to say "Hi" or respond to someone who's in your environment. It's another to start talking about taking two chicks home because they've brought their own playset. Ocean-Blue had a good suggestion about determining the source of the feelings. You've already identified that you didn't feel his first response to the girl walking by was that big of a deal. The second though... that's up to you to decide, but I think that would've triggered most anyone's issues. Usually I handle issues like these with a joke, and my bf plays along. But we've had years to get to know each other, and I have millions of examples for why I can trust him and believe in him. I don't know how long you and your bf have been together, but it might help you to talk to him about it. If you let him know up front that what you need from him is reassurance about his desire for you, then it might help the both of you to learn more about each other in a non-hostile way. I think most people have a tendency to approach it with a "I'm upset because you made inappropriate comments about those girls." Which places him in a position where he feels he has to defend himself so he won't be placed in the "Bad Guy" spotlight. But if you told him that the comment sparked some insecurity in you and it would really help you if he could explain why he made those comments, or if he could help you understand the situation better. Or maybe it would help if he were to cuddle with you more, or show more affection to you for a while. Basically, I think it would help if you approached him with the problem, and offered him a solution that would help the both of you. I've found that most men react like deer in headlights if confronted with an insecure woman airing her insecurities. They either clam up, or they get defensive. Sometimes you have to give them a hand in what they need to do to get things back on track again. If he's willing and happy to do those things for you, then its a good bet he didn't mean to cause you pain but was feeling comfortable around you and slipped up. If he reacts negatively, or seems distant, then you have a bigger problem you'll need to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
AussieJack Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 A quick overview - we've been dating 2 months (both in late 30's and divorced) 3 weeks in he said he wanted us to go exclusive. . Frankly, What he said was insensitive at best and crass and mindless at the worst. HE wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you, BUT still wants to make off-handed comments about other women as if he was still single and "still shopping ".... how does that work ? The word "disrespectful" is flashing in neon in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Legend Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 sounds like his sense of humor to me, laugh at it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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