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Old Fights being brought up starting new ones?


m101882471

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My g/f and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Around our 1 year mark we got in some fights and went on a break for all of 48 hours. During this break coincidentally a friend of mine (female) needed help in a chemistry course, so I offered to help her (tutor her). She came over my house and I helped her for 3 hours. My g/f came to my house that night and went CRAZY on me for doing that. I did not cheat on my g/f however I admitted to flirting, and seeking attention from the female friend who needed help in school.

 

Ever since this my g/f has had more trust issues. She was extremely mad of what I did but mainly because the other girl was blonde, pretty, and probably had some feelings for me (attraction). (Despite the fact the girl was not intelligent which is a main feature of my current g/f which I find the most attractive trait).

 

I said I was wrong and I shouldnt have done what I did (despite the fact I didnt think it was that big of a deal).

 

She forgave me for the incident and it was assumed things would go back to normal. However, she brought it up about 3 months after it, and once again today.

 

She claims that she cant get over what I did and that shes worried if we ever go on another break I would do it again. To me this sounds ridiculous. I never cheated on my g/f yet she thinks what I did was like the worst thing in the world.

 

Is it fair that my girlfriend continually bring this up, sporadically, and make us relive this whole thing which, I am not proud of nor does she want to think about??????????????????????????

 

She randomly brings this up for NO REASON whatsoever, we could be doing amazing and then all of a sudden she hits me with the "well I cant stop thinking about the girl you tutored and how much it hurt me".

 

Please someone help me to understand what I should do. I told her if this continues to go on I doubt I would be enthusiastic about continuing a relationship with someone who has forgiven me for something but keeps throwing it in my face and bringing it up.

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Hello,

She flat out said she cannot get over it. To me, that does not sound like someone who truly forgave you. I, personally, believe that if one truly forgives another they do not keep throwing the issue back in the others face.

Of course, when it boils down to it the decision is yours. But if I was in your boat I would ask myself, what would happen if I ended up talking to another attractive person? Is my bf going to feel insecure and be suspicious?

Many years ago, I dated a guy for about 3 weeks. Every time I talked to another male he accused me of flirting. It got old pretty quick. He even accused me of flirting with the 80 year old gas station cashier! lol. I pretty much told this guy that perhaps he should find a girl who is just as jealous and possessive as himself, because I am not suitable for him.

 

However, on a different angle, perhaps your gf feels insecure from the break. Perhaps, she feels more hurt that you were to quick to flirt with another woman when you two were just on a break. I don't know, just a guess. How long ago was this whole incident?

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I agree, 6 months and still bringing it? I would be beyond annoyed. Sounds to me that maybe she wants reassurance that you are faithful to her. And perhaps, rather than saying that straight out, maybe she uses that incident as an excuse?

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and that shes worried if we ever go on another break I would do it again

It sounds to me like more of an issue about the break, then about the girl. I think her insecurity is about the fact that she feels you might toss her to the curb without consideration of her feelings, and immediately replace her. Its not so much about the other girl, as about your gf being scared that the relationship will crumble. And I think she's sabatoging it without meaning to. Pushing you subconciously to test how far the breaking point is. I think she's doing this to sooth the fear of you pushing her away again. If she pushes, and you don't drop her, then she gains a small bit of assurance. If you also attempt to reassure her with words that she is the woman you want, then her fear is also soothed. She feels rewarded (subconciously) for testing your desire to be with her.

 

I don't think this problem will go away until you confront that fear of abandonment in your gf.

 

Personally, I don't think you did anything you need to apologize more then once for. I think next time she brings it up, you should ask her some pointed questions about why that incident is still bothering her. And make her explain herself beyond the blanket idea of 'trust issues'. There's something deeper at play, and you might have to lead your gf past the blanket statements to get to it.

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