Els Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 This Q can apply in many contexts: to those who have broken up, or had a partner pass away, or have them move away to commence a LDR (to suit this context, the LDR would need to be a severe one -- say, only accessible by plane and visits less frequent than 6 mths at least). Evidently, the three vary greatly in seriousness, but all three do involve a component of 'losing' a loved one. I ask this because of my current situation: had I not met my current bf (my first serious relationship), I believe I would find it very satisfactory. I have more freedom than before, college life is pretty easy, I've lots of time to enjoy myself, etc etc. Except for one thing -- when my thoughts start to stray, or something random happens to remind me of all the inexplicably sweet moments I've shared with my bf, I feel really, really sad. Because I won't have the chance to experience these anymore with him (emphasis on the him), for a good several months at least. Because he's far away. And then I start to think about how very, very great it would have been, what a very strong relationship we would have had, had he not have to go. It was just so effortless, the entire 1yr + that we were together. Many people have made wrong judgements in the past, but I daresay I'd be willing to bet a sizeable sum that had he not had to go, we really would end up with each other -- everything would be so easy. See, I'm a person who values my personal space greatly. I used to LOVE doing things by myself -- I still do, actually. I would far rather be alone than have to spend excessive amounts of time with people whom I don't really connect with. I allocate a small amount of my time for 'social time' (perhaps lunches, or once-a-week hangouts) to people whom I can call friends. But any longer than that, and it becomes strenous. There are very few people who can bypass that and enter my 'space', and not have me feel like it's been invaded. Those are people who can understand me perfectly and I them, who feel like a part of me. In my 21 years of life, I've met perhaps 3 of those. One was my female bosom friend, whom I drifted away from after she left for national service and changed dramatically upon return. Another is a man who is now married to another woman. The most recent one is my current bf. What I'm trying to say is, I never feared being alone, and still don't. But why can't I be happy with this situation in my life, which is actually one of the better phases... why do I keep missing him whenever I don't keep myself occupied with stuff? Wouldn't we all be happier had we never met the one whom we love/loved most, then? You can't miss what you never had. On the other hand, how many would give an arm and a leg to find someone whom they match with so perfectly, to spend all these moments together? I don't really know what I'm expecting here. Perhaps for those in the 3 categories listed above to share their experiences and thoughts regarding the subject. Perhaps to vent. Because this is one of the nights when it really hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
latefragment Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 i agree with you 100%. My life is about the same, as well, so I wonder that maybe I would be a little happier (understatement) had we simply not met. Yet it was very special while it lasted. Ironic, isn't it? I am an independent person myself. It tears me up inside to no end. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 I love love and how it transforms me. I would not be who I am today had it not been for the people who have come and gone in my life. I even believe that the best lessons I learned, I learned from heartbreak. As such I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 Maybe it's better to live by this code. 'Tis better to lose a love, than to love a loser' Not that this particularly applies to your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Hoffle Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 I haven't loved and having seen the devastating effects that happen to people who have split up with the partner they love, I think I'd rather be in my position than their position. I don't envy those people one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 What I'm trying to say is, I never feared being alone, and still don't. But why can't I be happy with this situation in my life, which is actually one of the better phases... why do I keep missing him whenever I don't keep myself occupied with stuff? Yep, I lived alone, mostly quite happily, as an adult longer than you've been alive. Your true test will come when you miss your soulmate even when you are occupied with stuff My answer to your OP is unequivocally "yes". Regardless of the path or the end, it is truly an additional level of existence IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
cammy37 Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 firstly elswyth, i have to congratulate you on your healthy and positive attitude to both life and your relationship with this man... your ability to enjoy your own company and only have people that add to your life around you shows just what a strong and independent woman you are... so you should be proud of that. and it sounds to me that what you are feeling goes hand in hand with being separated from someone you truly love... its great that you are keeping busy and getting on with your life.. but no matter how much we occupy ourselves, there will be times when the pain of missing someone causes a physical pain and seems impossible to bear... when you want them there to share moments with... for them to hold you... or just to have them there to go out and have some fun with!! your relationship sounds strong enough to come through this unscathed.... you have found someone with whom you can be yourself... effortless is hard to find.. and you have all those sweet memories that tie you together... so for now, share your experiences with him via phone or email... keep moving your life forward so that when you meet up you are the happy and strong person he loves... when the pain of missing him hits you, just know that it will pass as will your separation. i lost the love of my life 3 years ago and for a while disagreed completely with the phrase... better to have loved and lost than never loved at all .. i couldnt see how loving so deeply but then through loss experiencing so much pain and not being able to be with the man i loved ever again could possibly be in any way positive. years later, i wouldnt have missed it for the world... through it i grew and learned so much.. i'm a nicer human being.. i can understand the pain of others and be there for them... and i'm ready to love again, as deeply as before... so stick with it lovely lady... you are doing so well.. he is a very lucky man... and i hope it all works out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Maybe it's better to live by this code. 'Tis better to lose a love, than to love a loser' Wow....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted March 13, 2008 Author Share Posted March 13, 2008 Thank you all who gave your insight. Yes, I'm sure that I don't regret getting together with him in the first place... it was he that really showed me how to live life. But I'd never known such emotional rollercoasters before I started dating... I only wish I was all you said, cammy. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that, coupled with that hormonal imbalance at that time of the month, I just get all freaked out over small stuff that would never have happened were it not for the distance. He doesn't seem to get angry, just waits it out with me... but I'm sure he gets frustrated when that happens. I'd get frustrated with myself too... unfortunately I just can't help it sometimes. Yes, carhill, it doesn't really apply to my situation, but it's a darned great quote all the same. Link to post Share on other sites
cammy37 Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I'd never known such emotional rollercoasters before I started dating... I only wish I was all you said, cammy. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that, coupled with that hormonal imbalance at that time of the month, I just get all freaked out over small stuff that would never have happened were it not for the distance. He doesn't seem to get angry, just waits it out with me... but I'm sure he gets frustrated when that happens. I'd get frustrated with myself too... unfortunately I just can't help it sometimes. you need to believe you are all those things in order to gather strength and confidence to get through the hard days... a lot of men i know get really uncomfortable when their girlfriends get upset or angry etc.. they like to fix things, find solutions and dont understand we just need them to listen... and when they find they cant make things instantly better, they distance themselves mentally thus making us even more freaked out than before. you have a man who clearly adores you and allows you to be you, no matter how good or bad you are feeling... and this speaks volumes of his love for you... this is a testing time for you both... and when the separation is over and he is nearby again, look back on this time and remember how you felt, how much you missed him and how it made you realise even more how much you love him... so in years to come when things get bumpy from time to time, you can remind yourself of these feelings and how you hated to be apart... and by doing so avoid the pitfalls of routine, taking someone for granted, forgetting to show them you love them... taking the pain from this trying time and using it later on in life to keep your relationship strong and happy... remember, without the emotional roller coaster that crashes into our lives from time to time, we would remain stagnant, lack passion, be unable to see what really matters to us... so embrace it all, even the painful bits. they wont be there forever... Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 I think life is a journey. If loved some one and then lost them through something that didn't taint the memory of the relationship then I say it was better to have loved and lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 When I was 17, I met and became friends with a great guy. He is really amazing. He thought, I was amazing. We were really great friends. I was one of the first people he told that he was gay. He had fallen in love with another guy we both knew. It was a shock for me. I didn't manage to help him through this time, because I was too stupid and thus ruined a great friendship. Yet, I was glad that I had been so happy with my friend for as long as it lasted. Before, I was unsure if I could ever open myself enough to love, and after this I knew I could. And it still gives me a good feeling, knowing that there are wonderful people in this world, just like him. I loved and lost. And it took years to fall in love again, but even in the years between I would've agreed to the above: it is really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved. It is different, if you're reglected and crushed, I guess. But he did not reject me, really. So maybe that's the clue. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiss Dont Miss Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 NO, I would never be happy, hadn't I met my current bf. He's just great. Still everything wasn't that sparkling in my life. Before I parted with my ex, actually it was his inititive, and it bothered me for a long time, it drove me crazy, it made me cry at nights - I could't be with him anymore. It wasn't what he wated it was me who wanted that relationship. But now, thanks God, I have my darling, whom I love very much. And even in case we'll part ( I fear this so much), there will be hundreds of moments to keep me alive and to live, because I have experienced the greatest love in my life. Thanx to my honey. Guys, love is amazing, do love and be loved! All the rest... It will happen some day. Not now. Enjoy your life now. Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) Is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Yes. Every single time. Edited March 13, 2008 by malaclypse Link to post Share on other sites
lovesparis Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 i do not think it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...... that being said, i would have regretted it my entire life had i not pursued my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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