Is she just insecure?

[ChrisAHF]

Im sure my problems are that bad compare to others but I need some advice none the less.

 

Me and my girlfreind starting dating 2 1/2 years ago. About half way through I got really depressed, to the point where I was physically sick. I believe it was mostly due to her. She would often over react. Example, she was at my house and was leaving at around 6. She lives an hour away and had to be home that night. Before she left I told her I was going to hang out with my friends at the this girls house. Somehow she took it as "I was going to hang out with this girl". She freaked out and we got into a big fight. She started crying really hard and I told her to stay. She went with me and when we got there she realized that I was just hanging out with my freinds that happened to be at a girls house. Many other instances similiar to this. After one too many of these I told her that I wanted to break up. She just said "ok" and sat there. Then she asked if I could hug her. I did and she immediately start crying, the worst ive ever seen her. She kept asking me to take her back and she will make it better. And that im the only reason she hasent killed herself. She does have a pretty rough home life though. Her parents treat her like crap. She left and I told her we can talk about it later after I think about it. I talked to her and decided to give it aanother try. Since then she has been better. Yesturday though she called me at around 10 when I was with my freinds. She was crying and I couldnt really understand her. She cries alot but her parents wont take her to a therapist. Anyways She always says thing like "are you mad I called" "I feel like im bothering you". I hate when she calls and says thing like that. Why would you call someone if you think you bothering them? She also says sorry over everything. Her sentences rarely end without a sorry for no reason. Example, were on the phone and she will say "I have to go to the bathroom, sorry." I dont really know where Im going with this I just needed some advice. I want her to be happy and she says she hasent been in years. Ive learned that if your not happy, your not going to make anyone else happy. Thats not really fair to me because ive done everything I can think of to help her.

[carhill]

Welcome.

 

Has your girlfriend received individual psychological counseling? I'm hearing insecure attachment issues here... How old are you, since "parents" are involved?

 

I fight a bit of this and recognize some of the symptoms...

 

Tell us what you love about her and why you want to work through this with her.

[ChrisAHF]

Welcome.

 

Has your girlfriend received individual psychological counseling? I'm hearing insecure attachment issues here... How old are you, since "parents" are involved?

 

I fight a bit of this and recognize some of the symptoms...

 

Tell us what you love about her and why you want to work through this with her.

 

No she has never recieved any psychological help. Im 19 and she is 17. I love just being around her. She makes me feel secure and loves me for who I am. I have always been the "giving" type, got it from my dad. I just really want her to be happy.

[carhill]

Hmm...OK, help me understand why or how she makes you feel secure by her emotional outbursts and other behaviors. I ask because I was like this (your dynamic) when I was younger and, for me, it made me feel "needed" emotionally. The problem was my needs weren't being met because the relationships weren't equitable.

 

Wanting someone to be happy is normal and admirable as long as you understand you can't "make" her happy, as that comes from within her. You can share your happiness with her and share in hers.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with her parents?

[ChrisAHF]

Hmm...OK, help me understand why or how she makes you feel secure by her emotional outbursts and other behaviors. I ask because I was like this (your dynamic) when I was younger and, for me, it made me feel "needed" emotionally. The problem was my needs weren't being met because the relationships weren't equitable.

 

Wanting someone to be happy is normal and admirable as long as you understand you can't "make" her happy, as that comes from within her. You can share your happiness with her and share in hers.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with her parents?

 

I think I feel without her I would feel extremely lonely. During the week I rarely see someone I would consider a friend. So when I see her on the weekends it's relieving. I know I cant make her happy, but I want to help. Her mom loves me, but her dad is a little more reserved. Although I know her doesnt dislike me.

[carhill]

That makes sense. You're emotionally attached to her, so you miss her.

 

If possible, I would cultivate some platonic friendships to balance your relationship. Friends are a great distraction and also a valuable support system.

 

Regarding her parents, do you feel her mother would be open to hearing what you've been sharing here? You said that they refused to "take" her to therapy. Who do you think is driving this decision? Her father? If you suspect this, I'd take the risk and talk to her mother. You did say her parents "treat her like crap" but have you actually seen this in person? I find a disconnect that they treat her badly but her mother "loves you". I imagine others will disagree, but I bet she has similar concerns and you will get a sympathetic ear. Her daughter was quite young when the two of you started dating so, if she loves you as you say she does, you have a substantial history with her. Make use of that.

 

I personally think therapy will help her immensely. There's a good chance her emotional state will get worse before it gets better. Does her behavior, in light of her statement regarding suicide, match up? Do you think she's playing that card to keep you around or do you really think she's that despondent?

 

Very difficult situation to be in as a young person who should be having some of the most enjoyable times of your life. A lot to ponder.....

[Phateless]

One of life's unfortunate hard lessons is that you can't "fix" people no matter how hard you try... I'm guessing you guys are relatively young? High school or college? See if there's a school psychologist she can talk to... or have her make an appointment through her health-care provider. A lot of HMOs will cover depression. Maybe she just needs some kind of good hobby to feel a sense of self-fulfillment? Taking up swing and salsa dancing really did that for me.

 

Not sure if this helps you, but at least maybe you gained some perspective? My ex was emotionally turbulent and in hindsight I realize she just wasn't worth the trouble. You're right that if she can't be happy with herself it will be tough for you two to be happy together.

 

You basically have a judgment call to make - you can either hang with her emotional turbulence or you can't. Whichever you decide, good luck bro!

 

edit - in a word, yes. she is insecure. by trying to break up with her earlier it sounds like you've already made your decision. I'm guessing she can pull it together and hide it for a while to try to hang onto you, but I think this will keep coming up again and again.

[ChrisAHF]

I dont think she just "played the card" to keep me around. I know she is really dependant on me. I think its because she hates being at her house so when she comes here she can get away from all that. She tells me that she loves her mom, but doesnt really trust her. She feels if she talks to her about her problems she will tell everyone in the house. Which she has done in the past. And most of her depression comes from her dad. Ive never really seen it in person because when im there it think he tones it down. But I can tell she is really depressed and I truely believe her dad is the problem. She has talked about getting out of the house. But I think is scared to make the leap. She says she will be having a great day, walk through the door, and immediately be in a bad mood. Her mom says she doesnt need a therapist. Also that she not sure if there insurance will cover it. They dont have a lot of money. Sometimes I feel like im missing some of the facts though. Right now she is having some health probelms. She has had horrible headaches for 7 months. She goes to the bathroom every 15 minutes. They found white blood cells in her urine so they think its kidney failure or worst case, diabetes. So between depression and that shes not doing that great. Sometimes I get the blowback from that but she has been better at not taking it out on me.