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The Woes of being a best friend.


DanTheMan

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Alright, so prepare for a bit of complication. I've known this girl all my life (literally), we've been best friends forever. Since around New Year's we've been getting a lot more physical with the relationship, and I thought we were well on our way to becoming a couple. Couple days after New Year's I confessed that I was falling for her and while she said she wasn't quite ready for a relationship she wanted to take it slowly, so we did... I continued to make small moves on her (holding hands, snuggling up, ect.) and I was positively reinforced. Come Valentine's I asked her out for dinner + a movie, and we have an awesome time. I gave her chocolates, a single rose, and an awesome card, which she loved. She said I was too good to her and inquired if I thought of all this stuff myself (referring to a previous time when I got her a big balloon and some flowers when she got her wisdom teeth out). We're were really into each other and acting pretty much like any other couple we could see. She referred to me as her 'date' more times than I could count and often giggled over her dateless friends and how they were jealous. We locked arms the whole movie and were basically holding each other's hand every chance we got the entire night. Basically I felt on top of the world at that point, heh.







 







 







So we get back to her dorm(where I was staying for the night) and start making out (for the first time) and I'm not exactly clear how the subject got brought up but sometime after the the kissing I asked where the relationship was going, because I felt we were in a state of uncertainty and I wanted to officially start dating because I'm getting hit on by a couple of girls at my school and I didn't know how to handle it. Then things got really complicated... She said she was afraid of commitment, that she had a ton of problems she needed to deal with, and that she needed to be happy with herself before she can be happy with someone else. Then she started naming seemingly random things, like she thought of me as a brother(ouch) and that it was kinda weird, that her friends gave her a hard time for not dating me, and that when she was asked by her mother why she didn't date me she said 'I don't know', and her mother said that was her answer. Then she said that we're so young(both 18 ) and that she didn't feel the need to hurry, that she wanted to get in a relationship when she was ready, she also added her life was unstable and she didn't want to add another unstable element to it. I inquired as to why she didn't think that our relationship as it is now is 'unstable' and argued that being in a relationship could stable it out, needless to say she didn't agree. She said if I got other opportunities that I should take them, but at the same time said I was the only guy she'd really consider dating and that she wasn't going to see other people. When I asked how I should treat her, she said I should treat her like the best friend she is to me and when I asked if I should continue making 'moves' on her, she said no. I asked if distance was an issue (since we live about an hour apart), and offered to go to a community college near her Uni, because my Grandparents are wealthy and I can easily afford an apartment there if I hit them up for money. But she said it wasn't the problem and that it just wasn't the right time. She also threw in there that she has a problem talking to me on the phone and that we text all the time but we never call each other, which I admit is some of my fault since I've never been much of a phone person. She also threw in there something that surprised me, she said she was really 'flirty' which is news to me. When we first started hitting it off, I asked myself if she'd be the kind of gal that'd 'toy with my heart' so to speak and send me mixed signals, and I instantly said 'no'. I asked others and they agreed with my assumption. But she said a lot of this was her fault and once again that she was 'flirty'.


 

Somewhere in the middle of this mess of a confession that was our 2 hour conversation she gave me the whole 'it's not you, it's me' routine and implied that I was too good for her and that I was good-looking, funny, smart, and that we had such great conversations together so I shouldn't have to wait for her. I told her she'd be worth waiting for, I only needed to know if it was going anywhere eventually before I made the commitment to wait, but she was unable to say for sure. I'm thinking that maybe she gets wrapped up in romantic nights and things kind of get out of control, (ala. New Year's). But she never regrets it and often says we had a great time after the fact.

You're probably thinking 'Jesus Christ', and I agree whole-heartedly. Anyway, we're getting together tonight to hang out with her cousin, so I'm assuming things are alright between us, on a friend level. But I must admit, I'm kinda crushed. What the hell should I do? My mind is still trying to wrap around everything she said.

Edited by DanTheMan
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LucreziaBorgia

She wants a cuddle buddy that will give her all the perks of being a girlfriend without her actually having to be one to you.

 

What to do? If she wants 'friends' then make sure she gets that. She gets treated no differently than a male friend. No physical touching, no long phone calls, no gifts, no dinners (unless she pays for her share), no sleepovers, no 'checking in to see how you are doing' - basically you downgrade her to 'dude' status, and begin looking for a girlfriend.

 

If she questions this, simply remind her that she wanted a friend, and that is what you will be from now on. JUST a friend. Nothing else.

 

Or, you could save yourself a lot of heartache and sever all ties. I guess it depends on your level of self preservation. Being with her will be a constant reminder of what you want and cannot have. Being away from her will allow you to grow past it, and ready yourself for future relationships with women who wants boyfriends, not cuddle buddies.

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You have been friend-zoned, I'm sorry man. Trust me, I know ALL about getting friendzoned, it's happened to me nearly every time I've tried to get close to a girl. And I know, it sucks majorly.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to second LB's suggestion of dropping it down to 'just friends' status. You could try a little experiment of cutting of next to all communication with her for a couple weeks and see how she respawns - she may realize you were far more important to her then she previously thought and realize you'd be good for her.

But yeah, certainly try dropping it down to "just friends". You could start pursuing other girls you are interested in, depending on how your friend reacts to seeing you with other girls it might show you really how much you mean to her (and who knows, she may realize you'd be good for her)

 

good luck man.

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