shadowplay Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) I feel guilty because they're nice people. I don't know what's wrong with me, but they get on my nerves to the point that I feel like pulling out my hair after spending a few hours with them. Is it wrong to dislike people because they get on your nerves even if they're basically decent? To be more specific about why I dislike them: His mother -- As I've mentioned in other threads she has severe Bipolar Disorder and frequently needs to be hospitalized, although since she's been on better medication it's only once or twice a year at this point. Right now, according to my boyfriend, she's on the manic upswing. I went to dinner and the symphony last night with both of his parents, and she was chattering NONSTOP the whole time, dominating the conversation. She's a chatterbox even when she's not manic, so you can imagine what she's like when she is. I'm a pretty quiet person except around people I'm super close to you; she makes me very uncomfortable. The worst part is she rarely engages anyone else in conversation. It's all about her and her stories and bragging about her family's connections. I get so bored I want to weep. She also verges on delusional at times, trying to make herself sound better than she is. She's 62 and keeps on talking about how she plans on going to Law School. She hasn't had a job in years, and my bf says she's been talking about this Law School fantasy for as long as he can remember. When I mentioned I was working as a temporary legal assistant/paralegal and had turned down a permanent position with the firm so I can finish school she insisted that I give her the name of the firm so she could apply for the job (WTF?). She hasn't had a job in six years (hasn't been looking for any of that time either), and my bf says she's constantly making pronouncements she'll apply to this or that position but never actually going through with it. I guess what disturbs and irritates me most is how disconnected she is. She'll happily chirp away about her fantasies and life story in her annoying, high pitched voice totally disconnected from the reality of her life, her son, and making no efforts at all to change. I feel bad because it's not her fault that she's mentally ill, but it bothers me that her whole life she's been resistant to getting medical treatment or making something of herself careerwise (she dropped out of Juliard as a young woman and never went anywhere with her life). His father -- Probably bothers me even more. I guess the main thing I find irritating is how pathologically passive he is. I've never in my life met such a passive man. He puts up with his wife's **** and lets her walk all over him. And he has this perma dopey grin, as if nobody's home. The sad thing is I know he's extremely smart (like his son), but he never bothered applying his intelligence. He got a BA from a decent school and then decided he wanted to be a cab driver and that's what he still does. He makes ten dollars an hour. My bf has said he's basically lazy. I was looking at his perma-grin last night during the symphony (it literally never leaves the man's face), and I felt so repulsed. Both of his parents are very nice people, so why do I dislike them so much? It's so bad that I have trouble just being in their presence. I find myself reflexively withdrawing, even acting rude at times. Are my reactions normal? I don't know what to do because I see them all the time. Edited February 13, 2008 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
latefragment Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I completely validate your feelings. Being around your bf's parents would have annoyed the hell out of me too. one of my good friends is a human chatterbox who talks incessantly about herself - only difference is that she actually IS competent and an overachiever in her career & personal life. But she's married to a really quiet guy whom she bosses around and I get uncomfortable when I see their dynamic. However your bf's parents sound a little worse. It sounds like it's not their fault though - what with his mom just needing to get help and all that. But reading your post made me laugh out loud. Your descriptions are absolutely hilarious!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) The worst part is that some of my bf's quirks that I once found cute or benign are starting to annoy me by virtue of them existing in exaggerated form in his father. It's like when you see a gorgeous celebritiy's less aesthetically fortunate relatives and the celebrity suddenly looks uglier after seeing all the ways their features could have gone wrong. I swear -- everything this man does annoys me! He has a habit of purposely cutesifying words. He'll call toes "toesies" or teeth "teethies," as if randomly adding a 'y' to the end of a word automically makes it funny. I've noticed my bf does the same thing! Edited February 14, 2008 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Shadowplay you are a classic. God, I was clenching my fists just reading your descriptions of these people! No, it is not "wrong" to dislike people even if they are decent. Believe me, I get irritated by well-meaning people on a daily basis. Its sometimes the nice people who are the most infuriating. I used to hate my ex's family with a passion; they were just so f*cking LAME. In the end I could no longer hide my disgust. I'm sure they still have no idea why I couldn't stand them. Unfortunately I have no practical advice for you; your boyfriend's habits will probably continue to piss you off on a growing scale until one day you just explode at him about it - then hopefully he'll be shamed into never do the offensive things again... One thing I should mention - be careful about nit-picking about his parents to him. I'm sure he'll agree that his mother's a nutcase or whatever, but, you know, it's always hard to hear criticism about our family members from an "outsider". Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 His mother is an ill 62 year old woman and I'm guessing his father is also up there in years and doing what he can to handle his wife's condition. I think being so hateful is out of line. Also it's not up to you to judge his father's career choice. You're not obligated to like them or enjoy their company but it's scary how much hate and disgust you have for your bf's parents Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 His mother is an ill 62 year old woman and I'm guessing his father is also up there in years and doing what he can to handle his wife's condition. I think being so hateful is out of line. Also it's not up to you to judge his father's career choice. You're not obligated to like them or enjoy their company but it's scary how much hate and disgust you have for your bf's parents I agree. They don't sound like bad people to me. Maybe you should think about why you judge them so much? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Here we go again... when things are good with the bf, SP must search for reasons to complain. Link to post Share on other sites
soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 I think the real question might be how much of a problem is this in your relationship? How much time do you HAVE to spend with them? Does your boyfriend get irritated at you for disliking his parents? Of course, it would be out of line to bad mouth anyone's relatives to their face all the time, but if he knows you dislike them and accepts that it might not turn into a huge deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Woah. I think you should all lay off! Shadowplay was just venting. Who cares if they aren't "bad" people! Do people have to be criminals for someone's dislike of them to be valid? Lauriebell82: "Maybe you should think about why you judge them so much? " She judges them because they are annoying - that is a good enough reason! Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 She judges them because they are annoying - that is a good enough reason! Maybe his parents find SP annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 The worst part is that some of my bf's quirks that I once found cute or benign are starting to annoy me by virtue of them existing in exaggerated form in his father. It's like when you see a gorgeous celebritiy's less aesthetically fortunate relatives and the celebrity suddenly looks uglier after seeing all the ways their features could have gone wrong. I swear -- everything this man does annoys me! He has a habit of purposely cutesifying words. He'll call toes "toesies" or teeth "teethies," as if randomly adding a 'y' to the end of a word automically makes it funny. I've noticed my bf does the same thing! Odd... I notice that part of what bugs you in both parents is a lack of financial sucess. Would it be different if his parents were rich and powerful? On another note. Are your parents much better? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Odd... I notice that part of what bugs you in both parents is a lack of financial sucess. Would it be different if his parents were rich and powerful? On another note. Are your parents much better? Yeah, I agree. Seriously SP, I think is beyond just venting. You are describing in detail things that aren't even that big of deal that make you hate these people so much. Does it really annoy you that much that your bf says "toesies?" Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Maybe his parents find SP annoying. Then they can come onto LS, let their feelings be known, and be blasted for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Then they can come onto LS, let their feelings be known, and be blasted for it. We aren't blasting her. We are just trying to help her see why she is reacting this way to his parents. SHE asked if we thought her actions were normal. SHE also said that she is worried about her actions and stated that she felt that she is withdrawing because of it. So no, I don't think SP is just "venting." And we are trying to challenge her on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Odd... I notice that part of what bugs you in both parents is a lack of financial sucess. Would it be different if his parents were rich and powerful? On another note. Are your parents much better? It's not about how rich or powerful they are...more about the fact that neither tried to make anything of himself/herself. I know I shouldn't judge, but I get frustrated when smart people completely lack ambition. I guess his mother has a good excuse, but it seems that his father is simply lazy (according to my bf). Isn't it okay to be annoyed by laziness? Both of his parents live off trust funds they inherited from their parents. They are also extremely messy people who never throw anything away, so their house is total a pig sty. I get depressed whenever I go there (which I do frequently -- about four times a week). By the way, I have never mentioned anything to my bf about my feelings regarding his parents and I don't plan to (that would be a disaster). I guess this post was mostly an excuse to vent because I've been harboring this gradually mounting irritation for months without mentioning it to another soul. And, yes, I do feel more than a twinge of guilt about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) Yeah, I agree. Seriously SP, I think is beyond just venting. You are describing in detail things that aren't even that big of deal that make you hate these people so much. Does it really annoy you that much that your bf says "toesies?" Yes. I mean once in awhile would be fine, but when he constantly adds "y" at the end of random words I start to get irritated. This is going to sound terrible, but...Frankly I'm shocked he turned out as well as he did given his parents and I'm grateful he has so little in common with them. Edited February 14, 2008 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Yes. I mean once in awhile would be fine, but when he constantly adds "y" at the end of random words I start to get irritated. This is going to sound terrible, but...Frankly, though, I'm shocked he turned out as well as he did given his parents and I'm grateful he has so little in common with them. Girlfriend, I wouldn't stand for baby talk either. You don't have to qualify your feelings by saying "This is going to sound terrible but..." It doesn't sound terrible, it's perfectly understandable. My mum said the exact same thing about my dad, who grew up in a totally disfunctional, bogan family. He grew up in a sty too, with an alcoholic mother and lazy sh*t of a father, and he turned out to be a top bloke, and a great dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 It's not about how rich or powerful they are...more about the fact that neither tried to make anything of himself/herself. I know I shouldn't judge, but I get frustrated when smart people completely lack ambition. I guess his mother has a good excuse, but it seems that his father is simply lazy (according to my bf). Isn't it okay to be annoyed by laziness? Both of his parents live off trust funds they inherited from their parents. They are also extremely messy people who never throw anything away, so their house is total a pig sty. I get depressed whenever I go there (which I do frequently -- about four times a week). By the way, I have never mentioned anything to my bf about my feelings regarding his parents and I don't plan to (that would be a disaster). I guess this post was mostly an excuse to vent because I've been harboring this gradually mounting irritation for months without mentioning it to another soul. And, yes, I do feel more than a twinge of guilt about it... No, I understand what your saying. Here is my rule of thumb. When someone is really unhappy about what they have accomplished in life. Only then will it annoy me that they self sabotage. Otherwise, I recognize that not everyone has the same ambition and goals that I do. They seem fairly happy... even if they are lazy, so who are we to judge. Trust me... you would rather have his parents than try to meet my dad! I used to not to bring GF's around him because he would always make them cry.... for days afterwards. He is the successful/smart type. Be happy with what you got! Believe me! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 more about the fact that neither tried to make anything of himself/herself. I know I shouldn't judge, but I get frustrated when smart people completely lack ambition. I guess his mother has a good excuse, but it seems that his father is simply lazy (according to my bf). Isn't it okay to be annoyed by laziness? Both of his parents live off trust funds they inherited from their parents. SP.. you have the right to feel anyway you what to.. all feelings are valid.. Sometimes there just are people out there that we don't like.. it doesn't make you a bad person.. There will be more people like that in your life.. I would like to say this in defense of his parents... You are 24... they are elderly or almost elderly.. how do you know that they have a lack of ambition... you weren't even alive during the days when people show drive and direction .. You also don't know that they never tried to make anything of themselves.. again.. you weren't alive during the time in their life when people are making lives for themselves.. There is roughly a 60 year span of life that you have no idea what, when or how they ran their life during those 60 years... You and both your BF weren't around to see their lives.. ( well he was around for some of it ) They are at an age where people think about retiring.. sit in chairs and look back on their lives.. What is wrong with an elderly or almost elderly person not showing drive to succeed in business anymore ? Why not cut them some slack.. maybe if you get closer to them you will see a side of them that you yourself can benefit from their knowledge and experience.. Good luck with this.. I hope it doesn't become a wedge between you and your BF... Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Shadowplay, seriously. There is so much ongoing drama here, it's surreal that two people whom should care for one another sabotage the relationship so at every level??? Now if you were to send this relationship to the love doctor for a checkup, what do you think in your own mind...the response would be? Link to post Share on other sites
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