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I hurt his feelings by accident and now I'm hurt


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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:04 PM   #1
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Red face I hurt his feelings by accident and now I'm hurt

After having an intimate time with someone I care deeply about, I suddenly lashed out and pulled away. I think I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt, so I acted very cool AFTER we had made out contrasting to how I was very sensitive and loving towards him beforehand. I even told him I didn't think he had real feelings for me but was only attracted to me physically.

He suddenly looked at me with disgust and hurt and called me a sociopath and told me to leave. I told him I still had feelings but even as I spoke them I could feel my body language and expression betraying me. I don't know what happened. What can I do? I feel so broken up and feel like I ruined what was a beautiful relationship that was just beginning to grow.

He had even asked to take me away last week and now I need to repair things ASAP. But how? He called me a manipulator, a liar and many things that are too painful to think of. How could something so good go bad so fast?
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:07 PM   #2
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A guy who would call you a sociopath, liar and manipulator sounds like one who is probably lashing out from behind a few skeletons in his own closet. Does this guy have some reason that he shouldn't be with you? If so, he may be projecting his guilt onto you in an effort to hold you to blame for your relationship.

If there is some reason you shouldn't be together, then perhaps it wasn't as good as you think. Sounds complicated.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:10 PM   #3
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He had even asked to take me away last week and now I need to repair things ASAP. But how? He called me a manipulator, a liar and many things that are too painful to think of. How could something so good go bad so fast?
He likely felt manipulated and lied to. That's how. I'm not a fan of name calling, but if someone does it and it really is not in their character, it means you hurt him deeply and crossed lines and should take responsibility for it. I don't hold people responsible if they say some irrational things when they are really really hurt, especially if I imbued that hurt to them, and I've given them any reason to be more hurt.

Could you share more details? If not, level up. Apologize fully for your deception and validate his pain.

That advice may change with details, but without them, I don't have much to go on and have to put the blame on you. Perhaps it doesn't belong on you at all but I can only go by what you say.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:10 PM   #4
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After having an intimate time with someone I care deeply about, I suddenly lashed out
Please let it be anything but the balls. Still, he went right off the deep end. Let him cool down, and return to Dr Jekyll. Or Dr Banner. Take your pick.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:11 PM   #5
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A guy who would call you a sociopath, liar and manipulator sounds like one who is probably lashing out from behind a few skeletons in his own closet.
Exactly right.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:12 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
A guy who would call you a sociopath, liar and manipulator sounds like one who is probably lashing out from behind a few skeletons in his own closet. Does this guy have some reason that he shouldn't be with you? If so, he may be projecting his guilt onto you in an effort to hold you to blame for your relationship.

If there is some reason you shouldn't be together, then perhaps it wasn't as good as you think. Sounds complicated.
That's an interesting analysis. He does have some reasons why HE shouldn't be with me which I'd rather not get into so as not to sidetrack the main issue. But I do see how I was being very cold and maybe deserving of what he said. I just don't know how to make things better.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:13 PM   #7
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Apologize fully for your deception and validate his pain.
I think you've been watching waaay too much Dr Phil, buddy.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:16 PM   #8
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Apologize fully for your deception and validate his pain.
How do I validate his pain and I already tried to apologize but like I said it was very unauthentic and I sensed it myself. I don't know what is wrong with me, how maybe I really was acting sociopathic not caring about how much I was hurting him. But now I feel really sick to my stomach.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:18 PM   #9
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I think you've been watching waaay too much Dr Phil, buddy.
Nope. If I hurt a woman, and then say something ambiguous and she flips out, chances are, I crossed a line. If it's not in her character to say anything mean or express anger, and she does...if I can find anything in my actions or words that could have hurt her worse, I am going to take responsibility for her reaction. People say some irrational **** when you stick a knife into them and twist it, so depending on what Fun2BMe did -- the details she conveniently leaves out -- I have to side with the dude. If she did lie, he would feel manipulated, so it's not wrong to call her a manipulator and a liar. What he means by that is her treatment of him was manipulative. She needs to own her behavior.

Unless there is something in the details not mentioned.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:20 PM   #10
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How do I validate his pain and I already tried to apologize but like I said it was very unauthentic and I sensed it myself. I don't know what is wrong with me, how maybe I really was acting sociopathic not caring about how much I was hurting him. But now I feel really sick to my stomach.
I'd need more details. You haven't said much other than you messed up and he said some really mean things to you in response. For all I know you told him to meet you in a hotel room and you were having sex with his old best friend, who cheated with his previous gf, when he showed up. If you are unwilling to share, all I can say is apologize sincerely, and then give him space.

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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:25 PM   #11
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I'd need more details. You haven't said much other than you messed up and he said some really mean things to you in response. For all I know you told him to meet you in a hotel room and you were having sex with his old best friend, who cheated with his previous gf, when he showed up. If you are unwilling to share, all I can say is apologize sincerely, and then give him space.
None of the above. It was a normal setting in his home and like I said, I was very caring and things were mushy and nice but then after we got intimate, I turned a little psycho, pulled away and was VERY COLD. My question is, how can I reverse the damage I caused? He thinks I am crazy now and lied about how I felt for him.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:30 PM   #12
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So after having sex, you got distant and wouldn't touch him and barely spoke to him? Did he feel like you just wanted sex after acting like you wanted more? Did you tell him how happy he makes you and how much you like spending time with him, but then after sex, say "I think this was a mistake"?!?

It doesn't sound like you did anything to warrant an extreme reaction, though I would be pissed, so maybe he is in the wrong here. However, I still feel you are too vague to address this specifically. Calling you a sociopath and a manipulator and a liar is extreme if you pulled away a bit and acted a bit distant; however, I suspect there is more to the story than that.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:30 PM   #13
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He does have some reasons why HE shouldn't be with me
That is likely your problem then. If he is feeling guilt and projecting it, then there is nothing you can do to alleviate that except to remove the source of guilt: you.

He likely feels like he is putting his tail on the line to be with you, and is taking risks, and is angry that he is taking this risk only to have you act like you did. People tend to react strongest to things they are most guilty off and try to deflect it back on the accuser.

Who is the sociopath, liar and manipulator? I would say he is, if he is the guy I think he is. Not only that, if he is the guy I think he is - then chances are it is primarily a physical attraction given his own situation. You know as well as anyone here that those types of relationships nearly always start that way.

What do I think? You hit the nail on the head, and it hurt him because it was true. Then he accused you of being the very things he is.

I expect you know better than to be with this guy particularly if its the guy I'm thinking it is. I'll be the first to tell you, too.

I hate to see you get yourself into these situations. I want you to find someone and be happy. Not this guy, not the one before him, or the one before him. Someone who is legally and emotionally able to be with you, and won't mistreat you.

You have to get over this thing where you involve yourself with men who are emotionally (or otherwise) unavailable. You will never find happiness until you do.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:40 PM   #14
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He likely feels like he is putting his tail on the line to be with you, and is taking risks, and is angry that he is taking this risk only to have you act like you did. People tend to react strongest to things they are most guilty off and try to deflect it back on the accuser.
Your analysis is spot on. When he is risking so much for me, and in return I am the one who lashes out and treats him badly - that is really not normal or a kind thing for me to do. I don't know what got into me and how I can reverse what happpened. And of ALL 'types' of people for him to say those things is just killing me like a stab in the heart.
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Old 2nd February 2008, 10:43 PM   #15
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LB, I usually agree with a lot of your responses but you sound completely out of the ballpark on this one. I don't get why the guy is being blamed here unless you know something about him from previous threads that aren't included in this one.

If I genuinely cared about a woman and she accused me of not having real feelings for her I'd be extremely offended. I don't blame the guy for being pissed.

To F2BM: I don't know what you can do to salvage things other than apologize for the accusations.
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