, as usual

[LovesDog]

Still just "dating" my guy. It's been about 2 months and he wanted to keep it simple as of last thread a few weeks back I'm ok with this. (He is divorced 2 years and we are both in our early 30's). It HAS only been 2 months and we see each other about once a week on average and talk slightly more.

 

We had dinner and went to a movie on the 23rd and woke up and had coffee together on the morning of the 24th. He picked me up and we went to Starbucks on Christmas morning. That seems somewhat significant, right?

 

He always tells me when he is NOT busy and asks me what I am up to. THEN, he doesn't ask me to do anything! I feel like I am the one asking him to hang out most of the time. When I do ask though, he always says yes. I usually feel out of control when waiting for the man to ask; am always wondering...since I am doing most of the asking, shouldn't I feel more in control? Yah right!

 

Anyway, I asked him what he was doing for New Year's eve and he said he didn't have plans yet but knew there would be a few parties. He asked me what I was doing and I said that I didn't have any plans, yet. Well, he hasn't asked me to do anything with him on New Year's eve (no surprise). We'll be getting together tomorrow night for dinner/video...

 

Should I just ask him to take me out on New Year's eve? I'm so confused...

[Legend]

Yes. YOU ask him out new years. Guys want to feel needed too.....

[EYECANDY000]

This is something I can relate to. I have been with my new beau for a little over 2months now and it always seemed like I was the one who was always initiating eveything. Of course when I offered he was very excited about going, but it just seemed like he never made an effort.

 

I would ask him if he would like to spend nye with you. Whats the worst that can happen? he say no!!

 

have you guys discussed the whole relationship and what you want from him. Maybe he thinks since you dont say anything about you to speaking every other day or so its fine. I would bring that coonversation up with him as well

[LovesDog]

Ah, love u guys! Thanks for the advice...I was probably gonna ask him anyway. I just really wanted some perspective on the situation.

 

As of a few weeks ago, he was still going on dates with others. I know he hasn't seen anyone else for a while but I know he doesn't want anything serious either. The more I am with him, the more I can tell he cares about me. But here we are, taking it reaaaally slow. I don't want to keep bringing up serious conversations about relationships (we've talked twice about it and his thoughts were the same both times - keeping things simple) ...maybe in a few more weeks.

 

I think he's gun-shy, so to say, from previous relationships. He's mentioned that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Kind of like he is talking about me, but I think he is talking about himself. It's too late in my case; I've already fallen and would be hurt now or later if things went sour.

 

As for initiating things, in the beginning, it was all him. And now, it's all me... So, Eyecandy, you also do all the initiating? And everything seems to be going well? Tell me more!

[Jilly Bean]

I wouldn't ask him out at all. If you are always being in full pursuit, he NEVER will be. This causes guys to lose interest, IMO. They don't like the games, but they do like a little chase/pursuit. You have made it too easy for him, so there is no incentive for him to ask you out. Also, when he asks you all the time what you are up to and then doesn't ask you out, he's doing it as a control tactic, so he can keep tabs on you and be sure you are not dating others.

 

As far as NYE, you already asked him what he was doing, and he told he was not making plans. He said he would attend a party or two, but made no overtures to invite you?

 

Sounds to me like he is still dating other women, and I would pull WAY back on a guy like this. That is, if you are looking for more of a relationship. He continues to tell you he is not looking for more, so I wouldn't even begin to broach it again.

 

Lastly, I don't see how coffee at Starbucks is significant. What was it meaning to you?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ah, love u guys! Thanks for the advice...I was probably gonna ask him anyway. I just really wanted some perspective on the situation.

 

As of a few weeks ago, he was still going on dates with others. I know he hasn't seen anyone else for a while but I know he doesn't want anything serious either. The more I am with him, the more I can tell he cares about me. But here we are, taking it reaaaally slow. I don't want to keep bringing up serious conversations about relationships (we've talked twice about it and his thoughts were the same both times - keeping things simple) ...maybe in a few more weeks.

 

I think he's gun-shy, so to say, from previous relationships. He's mentioned that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Kind of like he is talking about me, but I think he is talking about himself. It's too late in my case; I've already fallen and would be hurt now or later if things went sour.

 

As for initiating things, in the beginning, it was all him. And now, it's all me... So, Eyecandy, you also do all the initiating? And everything seems to be going well? Tell me more!

 

 

Wow you sound like me five months ago!!!

 

I started dating my now bf and at the beginning he kept saying that he wanted things simple and see where it all went but that he wasnt sure he wanted a relationship. It unnerved me! and more than once i thought about ending it. Thankfully I didnt and now we've been officially "in a relationship" for 2 months and have talked about marriage. So bassically if you like the guy enough, you sense he is a good guy and have the pacience for it, it may be worth the wait. However, I say you need to put a limit to the "im not ready for a relationship" deal. You dont want to be with this guy for a year and still be just casually dating him.

 

In regards to the whole initiating thing, when we were just dating i usually would let him do the asking. Mostly because i then knew it was because HE wanted to see me as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I did ask him, but mostly I let him do it.

 

He used to do the same thing ur guy is doing though, about asking what I was doing and then not asking if i wanted to get togehter. It confused me but i figured that if he wanted to see me he would have asked so I usually would let the conversation continue without asking to see him. Sure enough, Always, at the end of the conversation he would ask to see me.

 

Maybe you wanna try that? Next time he asks about what you are doing and not follow thru with an invitation, instead of you asking him, wait to see if he asks you. I sorta thing he isnt asking u bc he knows ur gonna end up asking him anyway, so maybe dont ask him now, like during NYE. Im sure as soon as he realizes ur not asking he will make the move.

 

Good luck!

[Legend]

I'm gonna have to disagree with the ladies here.

 

I think that he wants you to ask him. He could have been hurt and had his ego bruised pretty badly by his divorce, to the point where he's putting up his wall.

 

Be gentle, and try to invite him to do something with you.

 

Keep us updated.

[LovesDog]

i have to admit that when he asks me what i am doing, then tells me he is not doing anything. i usually do NOT ask him to get together. even though, lately most of our "dates" are initiated by me (he always pays of course, but I offer anyway), i ask at other times. mostly it is, "are you free on sun?". and he says yes. then we figure out what to do together. i've even said that i don't want to scare him off, and he says that would be hard to do.

 

as for the significant amount of time spend during Christmas, I was not referring particularly to "Starbucks" being significant. I just meant that we spend a significant amount of time before the holiday and on it. i thought that was a good thing, especially around the holiday. most guys NOT into you would avoid it completely! IMO.

 

Legend, I appreciate your thoughts on this. Any other advice?

[sumdude]

I'm gonna have to disagree with the ladies here.

 

I think that he wants you to ask him. He could have been hurt and had his ego bruised pretty badly by his divorce, to the point where he's putting up his wall.

 

Be gentle, and try to invite him to do something with you.

 

Keep us updated.

 

 

Right now I'm agreeing with this piont of view. Depending on how his divorce went down he could be very, very tentative about things. He doesn't want to get hurt, probably doesn't want to hurt you either. Isn't sure about things in general but doesn't want to lose something potentially great. He also could be playing the field a little but no way to tell. If you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity is that a problem for you?

 

The thing about a lot of divorcees... they've been married and probably got very used to making plans together with thier spouse rather than always initiating things. So you have to be more pro active with him. Also ... communicate gently that you would appreciate some more ideas from his end.

 

I'm recently divorced and just started dating again. It's taking a while to get my dating legs back... It's pretty confusing after what i was used to hence my perspective on it all.

 

You just have to ask yourself if you can put up with the hot and cold nature he's going to have right now. It'll probably be a while befiore he commits to anything.

Edited December 30, 2007 by sumdude

[Legend]

i've even said that i don't want to scare him off, and he says that would be hard to do.

 

By him telling you that, he's blatantly telling you "Hey, I like you a lot"

 

Like sumdude said, married men are used to their spouses making the plans and what not. I've never been married, but the way I see it is he likes you a lot, is unsure of himself. He just got out of a marriage and is probably wondering if his ideas are wrong and caused the woman to leave him. So if you like the guy, make the effort, and you'll keep him.

[LovesDog]

Right now I'm agreeing with this piont of view. Depending on how his divorce went down he could be very, very tentative about things. He doesn't want to get hurt, probably doesn't want to hurt you either. Isn't sure about things in general but doesn't want to lose something potentially great. He also could be playing the field a little but no way to tell. If you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity is that a problem for you?

 

The thing about a lot of divorcees... they've been married and probably got very used to making plans together with thier spouse rather than always initiating things. So you have to be more pro active with him. Also ... communicate gently that you would appreciate some more ideas from his end.

 

I'm recently divorced and just started dating again. It's taking a while to get my dating legs back... It's pretty confusing after what i was used to hence my perspective on it all.

 

You just have to ask yourself if you can put up with the hot and cold nature he's going to have right now. It'll probably be a while befiore he commits to anything.

 

I am ok without the discussion of exclusivity right now. I'm finding that by his lead of taking things slowly, I am getting to know him better. I do appreciate that aspect of keeping things simple. Unfortunately, my heart got involved! But I can be patient. As for him dating other people...it wouldn't surprise me; we have no commitment.

 

He says that he doesn't feel burned from his divorce. But maybe that is just him trying to seem cool. I have been putting up with the hot and cold nature (to say) so I don't think that I have a problem continuing with this. I am pretty resilient.

 

The perspective from divorcees is so appreciated. I've never been married...

Edited December 30, 2007 by LovesDog

[LovesDog]

Keep us updated.

 

Well, last night I asked him if he had a date for NYE and he said no, but there were a few parties he was waiting to hear about. He was non-committal and said he would call me and we could play it by ear. He didn't call. OUCH! So, I'm thinking the worst, right? I'm thinking he didn't want to see me cause he was out with another girl or something.

 

Would you believe that I ran into him? I went to a private party at a really posh club with a couple of girlfriends and he was actually working the door allowing people down into the club (a little side job for the night that they called him in on today). Why didn't he just call me and tell me he was working? He wasn't having a good time and told me so. Also, he wasn't bummed to see me though very surprised, but he wasn't exactly ecstatic to see me either (I was sober driver so it wasn't as if I was wasted and stupid or anything). Us girls left the party a little early for another and he did kiss me good night and give me a hug. But he was a bit weird...

 

Last night (dinner/movie), it seemed that we established that we do like each other/care for each other more than just casual dating (though nothing more committal), things are going good as they are, and that we will keep things at the same pace. So, I was feeling pretty good about things until he blew me off tonight. WTF? !

 

I'm thinking it is time for me to lay low...

[Jilly Bean]

LD - I still think the same thing.

 

I think because you always pursue him and initiate dates, he has become lukewarm towards you (not to mean he doesn't like you). See, when you pursue guys like that, it deincents them to step up and make the moves on you.

 

But, after how he behaved last night, I think your gut is right. Why couldn't he tell you what he was doing? Why the secrecy?

 

I think you should not only lay low, but consider moving on. He has told you he is content with casual dating, and clearly he really means this. If this is OK for you, then cool. Continue to ask him ask out, pursue him, make all the moves, but I know that is not what you really want, nor is it the treatment you seek. None of us do, do we?

[LovesDog]

just for clarification JB: "we established that we do like each other/care for each other MORE than just casual dating". in other words, it was a stepping stone forward. either way, i am laying low and also thinking about moving on....

[LovesDog]

LEGEND & SUMDUDE: Where are u? Want to get your input on last night

[Jilly Bean]

just for clarification JB: "we established that we do like each other/care for each other MORE than just casual dating". in other words, it was a stepping stone forward. either way, i am laying low and also thinking about moving on....

 

Well sweetie - if this is his way of showing you how he considers you more than a casual date, he's got an odd way of showing it. You said he told you he wants MORE than casual dating, yet you agreed to not change the pace and that you agree to keep things as they are. Man, this dude is smooth...

 

Certainly proceed as you feel is appropriate, but I think you're deluded that he is on the same page as you. Hell, he's not even in the same book, hon.

 

Love yourself, respect yourself, and don't settle for crumbs.