Online Relationship--Is He Interested?

[Mistaken Identity]

For the past three weeks I've been emailing a guy I had a crush on in high school more than 20 years ago. He's funny and smart, and I enjoy "talking" to him. We have emailed each other every day since the first day he contacted me. I know he's divorced. But I don't know if he's seeing anybody. Would he be emailing me so often if he was in another relationship? I've never done this before. For all I know he emails lots of women. But I don't want to ask. It seems like the internet is full of onine flirting. Plus, he hasn't emailed me since Thursday night. Maybe something's up. If you haven't guessed, I'm a little low on self-esteem lately...Any constructive advice is appreciated.

Edited December 29, 2007 by Mistaken Identity
Too Boring

[Legend]

Short and sweet: He's definitely interested. If he wasn't he wouldn't be e-mailing you daily.

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you, Legend. But how do I know he's not just some lonely hermit-type looking for a shoulder to cry on? Any shoulder.

[Legend]

Only way you would know is to ask him to meet up for coffee. Take a step out of the interweb and into reality, it's much better out there I hear...

[Jilly Bean]

Didn't you post a week or so ago that you were supposed to meet him for coffee? What happened to that?

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you again. Actually, I already invited him to an art walk. But, like I said, I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. Maybe that's my answer?

[Mistaken Identity]

Hi Jilly. He suggested coffee and I just didn't respond to that part of the email. I thought he was just being friendly. Then I came up with the art walk idea and asked him.

[Legend]

Well by not responding to the coffee part he probably took it as rejection, and then turned down your art idea... Us guys are sensitive like that, we want to be the one asking usually, and I'm sure he thought the coffee was a shorter sweeter approach then spending a long time walking looking at art... Just my 2c.

[Mistaken Identity]

To correct that last post: He said in his email, "Maybe we can get together for coffee someday." Someday. It didn't sound all that urgent or sincere.

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, MI. I fear Legend is right. He asked you out, as a shy man might, perhaps, and because you didn't feel it was "urgent" enough, you dismissed it. Wrong move, IMO.

 

If you would still like to meet him, I strongly suggest you email him and ask him when a good time would be to meet for that coffee.

[Legend]

If you would still like to meet him, I strongly suggest you email him and ask him when a good time would be to meet for that coffee.

 

That's really the only move that would make sense at this point. Make contact asap, and ask when he'd like to meet for that coffee.

[Mistaken Identity]

I'm afraid if I email him about coffee after I haven't heard from him regarding the art walk I'm just going to look desperate. By the way, I thought the art walk was a good idea because it's held outdoors. The galleries are little historic houses that have been converted. There are bands, vendors, fire-eaters, etc. I thought it would be less stressful than sitting in a coffee shop. We are both shy people.

[EYECANDY000]

Agreed. hes proably waitng on you to make a move, where as you are waiting for a response from him.

[Legend]

You won't look desperate, desperate is when you continuously e-mail or attempt to contact. 2 messages to 1 message isn't desperate, 5:1 ... well then ya you're a little desperate. Enough time has passed where desperate is no longer in the running.

[Mistaken Identity]

I gave him my phone number via email on Dec. 23rd. He called within the hour. The next day, via email, he said it was nice talking to me. I said he could call again if he wanted to. He said he would, or we could go get coffee someday. That was Dec. 24th. I've since talked to him via email and neither of us mentioned going out. We talked about other things. So, I have talked to him after the coffee invitation. But I haven't heard from him since Thursday. It was last night that I invited him to the art walk. So I don't know whether or not I've been rejected. It seems weird that he just wouldn't email me all of the sudden. I should have explained it better. Thanks for your patience and your help.

[Legend]

If I were you, I'd call him up, and ask when he wanted to meet up for coffee. What can it hurt, you aren't dating him now, but you're interested, so show it.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hmm from what I know of men....they dont really ask you out for ANYTHING just to be nice. AKA he asked you out for coffee because he WANTED to go to have coffee with you.

 

Now, I agree with Legend and Jilly that you should bring out the coffee invitation, tell him you like talking to him and would like to take him up on that invitation. See how he responds.

 

Also, the whole thing of him not contacting you lately...remember it is the holidays and things come up. He might be with his family or his kids (if he has kids, since you mentioned he is divorced) and hasnt had a chance to contact you. I say give it a little more time before you give up on him. He sounds like he likes you, but if by next week, after all the madness of the new years and stuff is over, he hasnt called you...moving on would be in order.

Good luck! Let us know what happened.

[Mistaken Identity]

Thank you, everyone. I'll let you know what happens. If I have somehow blown this, at least I've learned a lesson. By the way, Legend, I like your new avatar.

[Jilly Bean]

MI, I think you are looking for him to jump through flaming hoops at this point to date you. No one will do that before a first date. He asked you out, you did not accept. Then days later you offer a date that honestly, not a lot of men would enjoy on a first date and ignoring his coffee date in lieu of your own suggestion amounts to telling him you hated his idea and he didn't please you with this offer and that you would insist on your own way.

 

I dunno - I don't like to see the defeatist attitude, but maybe you are not as ready to date again as you think?

[Legend]

Thanks MI

[Legend]

MI, I think you are looking for him to jump through flaming hoops at this point to date you. No one will do that before a first date. He asked you out, you did not accept. Then days later you offer a date that honestly, not a lot of men would enjoy on a first date and ignoring his coffee date in lieu of your own suggestion amounts to telling him you hated his idea and he didn't please you with this offer and that you would insist on your own way.

 

I dunno - I don't like to see the defeatist attitude, but maybe you are not as ready to date again as you think?

Jilly nailed it elegantly as usual.

[Mistaken Identity]

I haven't dated anyone in years. I just got divorced in the summer of 2006. I'm out of practice. I'm not really a demanding person. I just really don't know what to do...

[Jilly Bean]

No, I get that MI. Sometimes there can be a great disconnect between our intentions and how we are actually perceived.

 

How about just calling him, asking when would be good for coffee, and getting this back on track?

 

Legend - thanks for the kind shout out. I also like your new pic.

[Mistaken Identity]

I don't know if I can call him because he called me. I have his number on my phone, so technically I could call him. But he didn't actually give me the number. I think he's at work until later today. Maybe I'll wait until tonight to see if he emails. If not, I'll write and explain myself. What do you think?

[Jilly Bean]

I think if you keep looking for any guy to jump through a flaming hoop or look for reasons to make this infinitely more difficult and analyzed than it needs to be instead of meeting them halfway when they pose solid interest, you're dating life will be terribly frustrating. Please stop double-checking yourself and just go with the flow a bit.