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Is this a good idea or bad idea?


Lauriebell82

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Hey guys, since you helped me so much in the past month or so, I need some unbiased opinions on people who don't know me or my bf. So as you know things are going awesome, we had a reallly wonderful talk and if you read my other thread, I flat out asked my boyfriend why he was changing the subject and being weird. We worked it out though, and from what I gathered from the conversation my boyfriend said that "I'm not wasting my time."

 

Now, my boyfriend has been looking at houses lately. He hates renting and now that he makes more money, he has been looking at condos in which the mortgage would be relatively the same amount of money as rent in an apartment would cost. We are talking about moving into together in May when I finish my masters degree as many of you know, but now he is considering buying a condo when his lease ends and wanting me to move in. He will put the mortgage in his name, and wants me to help pay it, just like we would both pay rent in an apartment. I told him I didn't like the idea, and that I didn't want to move into any kind of house/condo unless we were married. I also don't want to just "pay him rent" because I'm actually helping him, and don't get to profit off what I'm paying when he sells the place. He tried to talk me in to it, and I said I would think about it. I still would rather rent, but he says that is a waste of money. He said in the long run buying a condo would help us, because if a few years he could sell the condo and use the money to buy a house and build equity.

 

Can anyone offer me some advice? I don't know if this would be a good idea or not.

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I think you are spot on on your ideas and would feel the same way. You seem to have no problem living with him if he's renting, but not owning. You don't wnat to move in to "his" place and pay his mortgage for him when you'll get nothing out of it. I totally have your back there.

 

Tell him that if he insists on buying now, that's fine, but then you two should wait to move in together until you take the "step" in the relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Either that, or you move in together with BOTH of you on the mortgage and with a finanacial agreement.

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SG is prob right - he is prob going to propose -if he's thinking all long term like this - but he won't if he feels forced into it (men are funny like that)

 

I'm not sure where you're based, but if you are paying mortgage costs, in a co-habitation situation, you are entitled to half the property when you spilt up - unless you have signed a statement of understanding - basically a the equivalant of a pre-nup. So if you're worried about contributing and getting nothing if it all goes pair shaped, you'll be entitled to your share of profits etc - if you chose to go down that road at that time.

 

But since the scheme of things is to save towards a house for the two of you, I wouldn't worry so much.

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For crying out loud, he's probably going to propose before you'd sign the loan agreement. What's the difference? ;)

 

Lol, I'd like to hope so, but I'm not going to bank on that happening before May. I wouldn't really want to sign a loan agreement if we weren't actually married, nor will I have money to contribute to a downpayment or anything. I'm going to just be getting out of grad school and unfortunately even therapists with masters degrees don't make jack without a liscensure. (I won't have that for another 2 years) So, it's kind of just circumstances. I'm not sure what to do though..I mean maybe I'd consider moving in there if we were engaged because then once we got married it would be mine too. But i'm not going to count on that happening before May at all!

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SG is prob right - he is prob going to propose -if he's thinking all long term like this - but he won't if he feels forced into it (men are funny like that)

 

I'm not sure where you're based, but if you are paying mortgage costs, in a co-habitation situation, you are entitled to half the property when you spilt up - unless you have signed a statement of understanding - basically a the equivalant of a pre-nup. So if you're worried about contributing and getting nothing if it all goes pair shaped, you'll be entitled to your share of profits etc - if you chose to go down that road at that time.

 

But since the scheme of things is to save towards a house for the two of you, I wouldn't worry so much.

 

Hmm, but if I'm not listed as an owner, would I still be eligible for that? I mean, I think you are right, he has this geared towards both of us in a long term thing. I don't want to count on him proposing though, because he says he wants the whole thing to be a huge romantic suprise or whatever.

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For crying out loud, he's probably going to propose before you'd sign the loan agreement. What's the difference? ;)

 

It's such a girl move on my part but this made me giggle and think "omg probably!" :bunny::bunny:

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melodymatters

NO NO NO ! Hold up girl !

 

 

Business first, no way do you own any share by paying " rent", that would like renting a room in your house and having your tenant claim ownership rights !

 

This is going one of two ways ( says big sis Melody !)

 

1) he proposes, you're engaged and THEN you put it in both your names, or if your feeling REALLY sweet, you "rent" from him, in hopes that it will go towrads your marital future.

 

or

 

2) You sweetly decline, saying what you've already said about not wanting to shack up before marriage, and don't want to subsidize HIS property investment by being a live in GF !!!!! I never invoke the cow/milk thing, but here I have to. Not only would he be having the benefits of home ownership, he'd be having the wifely benefits too !!

 

 

Just say NO LB !!!!!

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NO NO NO ! Hold up girl !

 

 

Business first, no way do you own any share by paying " rent", that would like renting a room in your house and having your tenant claim ownership rights !

 

This is going one of two ways ( says big sis Melody !)

 

1) he proposes, you're engaged and THEN you put it in both your names, or if your feeling REALLY sweet, you "rent" from him, in hopes that it will go towrads your marital future.

 

or

 

2) You sweetly decline, saying what you've already said about not wanting to shack up before marriage, and don't want to subsidize HIS property investment by being a live in GF !!!!! I never invoke the cow/milk thing, but here I have to. Not only would he be having the benefits of home ownership, he'd be having the wifely benefits too !!

 

 

Just say NO LB !!!!!

 

I may consider it if we get engaged..but if we aren't then no. He is saying how it will help us save money for a house and stuff and this relationship is leading towards marriage, but I'm still hesistant to move into anything that he owns. We probably will end up just getting an apartment for awhile. I feel more secure about our relationship after talking to him last night, I'm so glad I did! I'm confused about this whole thing though...

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melodymatters

Thats all I'm saying LB, it's one thing to be engaged ( even though we know thats not legally binding, it's a different mind set)

 

 

I have been in a romantic situation where I owned the property and he resented renting from me, and it's nothing I would advise anyone to replicate. IT's one thing if one party already OWNS a home, and you move in to save for a future, but this is one of you building a future without the other having a shred of security.

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Thats all I'm saying LB, it's one thing to be engaged ( even though we know thats not legally binding, it's a different mind set)

 

 

I have been in a romantic situation where I owned the property and he resented renting from me, and it's nothing I would advise anyone to replicate. IT's one thing if one party already OWNS a home, and you move in to save for a future, but this is one of you building a future without the other having a shred of security.

 

Well, if we were going to be engaged before May, I still won't be in a position to have any money to contribute to the downpayment or anything. I don't have much credit either so it's just circumstances. I would rather rent for a year and THEN see where we are then. I'm just unsure about when he's going to propose, and I really don't want to get my hopes up that it's going to happen before May.

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I agree with the others. LB, just say no!

 

Imagine how much more STRESSFUL your relationship is gonna get when you're moved in, a couple months go by, and he still hasn't proposed!

 

If you need any more help deciding read some of the threads in "Getting Married".

 

You gotta leave him some incentive to propose, if only for your own peace of mind, so you don't blame yourself for making "mistakes".

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I agree with the others. LB, just say no!

 

Imagine how much more STRESSFUL your relationship is gonna get when you're moved in, a couple months go by, and he still hasn't proposed!

 

If you need any more help deciding read some of the threads in "Getting Married".

 

You gotta leave him some incentive to propose, if only for your own peace of mind, so you don't blame yourself for making "mistakes".

 

Thanks for your reply. I already told him that I didn't feel comfortable paying for a mortgage unless we were married. He says that it would just save us thousands of dollars and we'd be able to get a bigger house when he sells the condo in a few years. I am actually just going to suggest that we move into an apartment for a year and then see where we are at from there. I'm not going to base all this on engagement, because I have no clue whether it will happen by then. However, from everything that he has said lately, I really do think it's going to be sooner rather than later. I'd be psyched if he proposes sometime in 2008!

 

I hightly doubt it will happen sooner than that, however he has done several things that have shown me that he is more serious than I thought. Trying not to get my hopes up though!

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Lol, I'd like to hope so, but I'm not going to bank on that happening before May. I wouldn't really want to sign a loan agreement if we weren't actually married, nor will I have money to contribute to a downpayment or anything. I'm going to just be getting out of grad school and unfortunately even therapists with masters degrees don't make jack without a liscensure. (I won't have that for another 2 years) So, it's kind of just circumstances. I'm not sure what to do though..I mean maybe I'd consider moving in there if we were engaged because then once we got married it would be mine too. But i'm not going to count on that happening before May at all!

 

I wouldnt buy a house with someone unless I am married either. There is too much risk in it!

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Thanks for your reply. I already told him that I didn't feel comfortable paying for a mortgage unless we were married.

 

Maybe I think this way because I am a guy.

 

Your paying rent now... if you move into a condo together... you will pay rent then too.

 

What your saying is that you would rather give your money to a stranger than to your BF.... simply because you dont trust him. Right now... you pay someone's mortgage... and get nothing back. At least with your BF you have the opportunity to gain something!

 

The reward is much, much greater than the risk.

 

The only problems I would forsee is if it costs more to help him pay a mortgage than it does for you to pay rent right now.

 

However, if you dont want to live together before marriage! You more than have that right.

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What your saying is that you would rather give your money to a stranger than to your BF.... simply because you dont trust him. Right now... you pay someone's mortgage... and get nothing back. At least with your BF you have the opportunity to gain something!

 

The reward is much, much greater than the risk.

 

 

That's how I see it too. If I were your BF, I'd be a little hurt.

 

You know you want to marry this man, yet you're unwilling of taking the "risk" of paying rent to him (over a stranger) because if things don't work out, he will have benefited financially from your rent payments. How f*cked up does that sound to you?

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Wow, you guys sound like my boyfriend! It's not that I don't trust him..I mean he actually said that he's going to use the money that will be sold from the condo for a house (and we'd be married by that time) so then we can profit and get a real nice house that will be mine too.

 

I guess my main concern is that it won't feel like MY condo, because he owns it. He said it would be my condo too, but I don't know. I mean this whole thing he says, will just help us in the long run which I guess he is right about that. My dad says the same thing, that he is doing this to help us, not to just help himself. So I suppose you are right about that. It's just more an issue that it would feel weird that it's not really my condo. I don't know, that probably sounds stupid.

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I guess my main concern is that it won't feel like MY condo, because he owns it. He said it would be my condo too, but I don't know. I mean this whole thing he says, will just help us in the long run which I guess he is right about that. My dad says the same thing, that he is doing this to help us, not to just help himself. So I suppose you are right about that. It's just more an issue that it would feel weird that it's not really my condo. I don't know, that probably sounds stupid.

 

Yeah... I thought of that too, but seriously... if your paying for it... You have rights to it plain and simple. He will need to acknowlege that, and if he doesnt... you dont want to marry him period!

 

At some point in a relationship you need to get over the Mine/Yours thinking. Some never do... they keep seperate bank accounts and such. I tend to take the "whats mine is yours, whats yours is mine" approach.

 

I dunno... I suppose the question becomes... how do you want things to work in your marriage? Do you plan to share belongings and resources... or do you want them seperate?

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Pretend your BF were a rich millionaire and had a fantastic mansion. He proposes, you get married. Would you move in to the mansion, or require that you get a new mansion so it will feel like it's "yours"?

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If he gets this condo, you'd move in to it TOGETHER. It would be yours as a COUPLE. Assuming you remain a couple, you stand to benefit from the decision.

 

When he pays for dinner, do you think you're eating HIS food?

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Yeah... I thought of that too, but seriously... if your paying for it... You have rights to it plain and simple. He will need to acknowlege that, and if he doesnt... you dont want to marry him period!

 

At some point in a relationship you need to get over the Mine/Yours thinking. Some never do... they keep seperate bank accounts and such. I tend to take the "whats mine is yours, whats yours is mine" approach.

 

I dunno... I suppose the question becomes... how do you want things to work in your marriage? Do you plan to share belongings and resources... or do you want them seperate?

 

Well, I don't think he would just think it was his just because it's his mortgage..he already told me he's not and I believe him. Well, I would like to share belongings and resources, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend does too. He's never lived with a SO before and I have, so I'm hoping he realizes that we are going to share expenses and things and not just split everything strickly down the middle all the time (which is what he did when he lived with his roommate).

 

And SG, lol no I wouldn't want him to buy a whole new mansion. I mean this whole thing is to help us, so I don't know what the heck I am so worried about. Maybe I'm just hesistant because I was so confused about the marriage stuff..I don't know.

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Maybe I'm just hesistant because I was so confused about the marriage stuff..I don't know.

 

WHY are you still confused? He looked you in the eye and told you that you are NOT wasting your time. He's made it clear that marriage is a given. You should have no doubts here.

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WHY are you still confused? He looked you in the eye and told you that you are NOT wasting your time. He's made it clear that marriage is a given. You should have no doubts here.

 

Yeah you are right. Wow, you guys are good! :) I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, and see what he says. Actually the condo that he is looking at is a really good deal and its a 2 bedroom which would give us more space and room.

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Yeah you are right. Wow, you guys are good! :) I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, and see what he says. Actually the condo that he is looking at is a really good deal and its a 2 bedroom which would give us more space and room.

 

Plus you will be able to kind of ride out this bad market... start building equity... then sell it in a year or two and have the money you made for a downpayment on a nice home. Otherwise... you could wind up trying to buy a home with a low down... and have terrible high payments. Plus owning and paying on time is good for your credit score! :cool:

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