Boyfriend and "friend" are crossing the line

[blue.butterfly]

I usually can find the answers I have to my questions in other threads, but I am completely dumbfounded by this situation.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for four years, and we’ve had a lot of rocky times. There are definitely trust issues. He has not always been the best man to me, but he has made a lot of changes and I know he really loves me.

 

About three years ago we got our first place together. I had just had surgery, and I should NOT have been moving anything. I was taking Darvocet for the pain, and I was just not in that good of shape physically or mentally.

 

 

While we were getting moved in we get a knock at the door. This girl (and her friend, also female) I don’t even know comes in screaming calling my boyfriend an *******, and completely ignored the fact that I was even there. In my usual mindset I would have put a stop to this immediately, but instead I was overwhelmed and I went into the bedroom to remove myself from the situation.

 

They stayed there for an hour, and my boyfriend did not even come to check up on me. She asked him if I were upset, and my boyfriend stated I probably was. She said “Good, we’ll stay longer, then.” He said nothing. This is the only time I have ever met her.

 

My boyfriend and this girl have been friends for several years, and he hung out with her before we got together. He tells me she acted this way because he had not gotten in contact with her since we started dating. However, she has always had some kind of “control” over him. She is very catty and treats my boyfriend like she can say or do anything she wants and it is OK.

 

They did not talk after that for about two years. Within the last year, he has talked to her repeatedly and hidden it from me. This may be very likely due to the fact that I would have a negative reaction to the fact they were talking. I sincerely do not like this girl or trust her intentions! Within the last year I have been present only one time she has called, and he always makes sure he calls her when I am not around. He is adamant that they are “just friends,” and that absolutely nothing is going on. He also stated that he can see why I would be upset, but I shouldn’t be because there is nothing going on. She calls him to talk about her personal problems. They often talk for an hour or so.

 

Here lately he has told me when they talked. This is his attempt at honesty. However, I think he is getting an ego boost from her attention, and she likes the thought of being able to disrupt things. (She knows I don’t like her. Why would I?) He has also stated that I should have stood up to her upon our initial meeting, but I was honestly not up to it! I know for a fact he talks to her when he and I have problems. I believe this is highly inappropriate.

 

I know I cannot make my boyfriend choose me over his friends, but I am feeling very disrespected in this situation. I feel this may be an opportunity to learn to trust, yet at the same time I feel I am losing my dignity by letting this happen.

 

Does anyone have any feedback? Am I overreacting? Most importantly, what can I do to resolve this?

[Krytie TV]

Let him talk to his friend. I had a friend like this (minus the screaming and name calling) that my ex-wife always had a problem with me talking to. So I hid it and resented my wife for it. You can't control everything. Let it be and worry about things that matter.

[Myz_Heavenly]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband, which is part of the reason why he is now an EX.

 

I say go with your female intution. If you feel there is more going on than what he is telling----which is usually the case, even when they deny it---unfortunately, you will need to make him choose. That may not mean him not being friends w/her, but he may need to make her one of those friends that he just speaks to on the street in passing...feel me? He obviously knows that it bothers you to have her in ya'll's life---yes ya'll b/c you're living with each other and are committed to each other, right? So, he should respect that and put some distance b/t them. As for talking to her about the problems that occur with ya'll, he should talking to YOU about those problems!! Telling someone else about them does not resolve them, and him telling her probably makes it worse for you, b/c she may not be encouraging him to work it out with you. From how you described her, she seems like the messy type, and those type of people can be relationship killas. My ex was constantly saying, "oh, she's just a friend, and I understand how you could be upset, but there's nothing going on". In my case, the chick even wanted to speak to me, fronting as a friend just to get closer to him. Over time, it was revealed that she just wanted to get some bad vibes going b/t me and my ex, so she could slither her way in.

 

Handle ya bizness Lady!

[blue.butterfly]

Krytie, I do agree with you. It makes me feel awful to think that I would make him choose between me and a friend, so therefore, I just won't do it. However, I also don't think it is fair that my feelings are not taken into more consideration. At the very least they could include me in their friendship a little bit.

 

Heavenly, I can't make him choose. He will have to make the choice for himself. He's having some rough times and needs a good friend right now. However, I think I should be that friend! So therefore, I feel at a loss. It does not help that my intuition tells me EXACTLY what this girl is up to. Here recently her relationship has been falling apart, and she's counting on my man for support. Support, that I should point out, I rarely get from him! (We are in counseling for this.)

[Racquel Colette]

Your boyfriend's friend is disrespectful to you for barging in and starting to yell and continue to be friends with her after not caring about you at all in that situation.

Seriously break up with him. He doesn't respect you at all.

[Myz_Heavenly]

I feel that if he values his friendship with her more to the point where he's not doing his job to maintain the relationship w/you, he may be with the wrong person.

 

You mentioned he should be coming to you with his problems. THAT IS MY POINT EXACTLY! What will you guys do if you decide to get married and she's still there pulling him away from you and the possibility of a better relationship you guys COULD have if he got his priorities in order, and knew when to place her on the back burner and nourish the relationship with you?

[blue.butterfly]

I truly believe that my boyfriend is scared to death to be open with me. He has admitted that he is insensitive and often inconsiderate of my feelings, yet when it comes to his friend his very sensitive and empathetic. I guess if I were getting what I needed, I wouldn't be so upset. I may need to develop better skills to make my needs more clear, but I do not like the idea that his friend is getting the emotional attention from him that I should be getting! I just keep racking my brain about what I can do to make it better, and not come across as extremely jealous and insecure or demanding. Thank you for taking the time to reply!

[MystifiedByMen]

I would think something is up. I'm just weird like that. If she's a friend of his, why can’t you and this girl meet? Maybe become friends with her. You know what they say… keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Perhaps tell him you respect him and his friends and therefore would love to meet her so he doesn’t have to hide his friendship with her anymore. If he agrees, and you do meet her, be nice, stay classy and see where your gut feeling takes you.

[chaifley]

I would think something is up. I'm just weird like that. If she's a friend of his, why can’t you and this girl meet? Maybe become friends with her. You know what they say… keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Perhaps tell him you respect him and his friends and therefore would love to meet her so he doesn’t have to hide his friendship with her anymore. If he agrees, and you do meet her, be nice, stay classy and see where your gut feeling takes you.

 

This is what I plan to do. Odd thing is, he's already told me that she is probably going to be a bitch to me when we meet. (She's one of those very "catty" girls.) I have to wonder, she doesn't even know me except through him, so why would she be a bitch to me? Also, why in the world would he be OK with that? If one of my friends disrespected him I would tell them to take a hike, and fast!

[blue.butterfly]

Well, I submitted that under the wrong username. I changed it because I use it too much elsewhere (for anonymity). Just clearing any confusion that may have caused.

[whichwayisup]

She is going to be a bitch to you because she IS a bitch! Honestly, she sounds like a miserable and jealous person - Who has thrown a crap fit now that you are with 'her' friend and she's bent out of shape over it. Funny thing is, your boyfriend loves the attention and the ego rush of having her in his life. Drama!! I mean, would women friends put up with this crap from eachother? Storm into your house, calling you names, being rude - I know I wouldn't put up with it...

 

Sounds like your boyfriend is too weak to stand up to her and she'll walk all over him whenever she feels like it because he allows it.

 

When you meet her, just don't let her bitchyness get to you. She may try to piss you off, make you jealous. Even if you feel it, do not show it.

[blue.butterfly]

She is going to be a bitch to you because she IS a bitch! Honestly, she sounds like a miserable and jealous person - Who has thrown a crap fit now that you are with 'her' friend and she's bent out of shape over it. Funny thing is, your boyfriend loves the attention and the ego rush of having her in his life. Drama!! I mean, would women friends put up with this crap from eachother? Storm into your house, calling you names, being rude - I know I wouldn't put up with it...

 

Sounds like your boyfriend is too weak to stand up to her and she'll walk all over him whenever she feels like it because he allows it.

 

When you meet her, just don't let her bitchyness get to you. She may try to piss you off, make you jealous. Even if you feel it, do not show it.

 

You are dead on! He's always let her treat him like crap. As a woman with male friends, I believe it is an unspoken rule that if your friend becomes involved with a woman, always include the woman in the friendship, always respect their relationship, and always make her feel comfortable. It is the nice and right thing to do. I have a hard time believing that any woman doesn't understand this basic concept of respect. Therefore, I can assume that she knows what she is doing is disrespectful, and they BOTH feed off this! So I need to be the better person and include myself in their friendship in a very civil way. By the way, I have A LOT of women friends and I would NEVER treat them this way! That's why they are my friends!

[brneyedgrl333]

I'm going through much of the same drama that you are (see my posts) Except my bf's ex-wife refuses to meet me. And my bf refuses to include me in the friendship. I can't give any advice at this time because I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my situation. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Hang in there.

[blue.butterfly]

Hi brneyedgrl. I think there is an inherent weakness in our boyfriends, where they do not know when to set down boundaries or how. Regardless of why this is happening, it doesn't take away the hurt or disrespect that I am sure we both feel. My boyfriend tries to justify his friendship with this girl by stating they have never had physical contact with each other, so in your case that is an extra "ouch" factor. In my case, I am arranging a meeting between my boyfriend and his friend. I can't imagine what I would do if either one of them refused to at least give me that. I feel for you! This is NOT easy!

[spooty]

that woman obviously feels ownership over your bf for some reason, female friends get this way with men when there's another girl in the picture.

my bf has problems opening up with me too, he'll tell his temporary female friends all these emotional things but it's like pulling teeth to get him to show any sort of sensitivity with me. sometimes i know he has a problem and he won't tell me and of course in anger i'll spurt out "i bet you told so-and-so! i bet you told her as soon as it happened!! why don't you go **** her!"

to that he thinks' i'm stupid and irrational, and yes, at that point i am because he is so clearly hiding something from me and it's putting a distance between us that i'd like to repair. he just doesn't get that coming to me and saying he's having a problem (even if he doesn't tell me outright what) is much better than telling everyone else and keeping it from his gf. after all, who is in the better position to fix or help him with it than a gf??

i don't understand why guys will let other people come in and ruin a relationship. he knows it's happening, but he's willing to just let her control him at the expense of his relationship? i think some men just like for women to be in control, kind of like mothers, they just need someone to tell them what to do. i think it has to do with dual flattery, he's flattered by the female attention and your jealousy, and she's flattered by the fact that she can "win" the attention of a taken guy. i hate bitches like that! when a guy has a girlfriend i treat him in a totally non-sexual manner, even if i'm friends with his gf, it's just respect.

even if they have never touched, some girls just jump into that "girlfriend" role. like one of my friends will always position herself right next to whatever guy is around (single or not) and flirt and slap playfully, ask tons of questions, answer for him, and otherwise just demand his attention.

of course, treating people the way you'd like to be treated doesn't mean you'll get that sort of treatment back.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

but I am feeling very disrespected in this situation. I feel this may be an opportunity to learn to trust, yet at the same time I feel I am losing my dignity by letting this happen.

 

you are absolutely being disrespected, not just by him, but by her as well.

 

if he insists on being friends with her (which i don't get because she sounds wretched) then he needs to make it clear that she doesn't get to make you feel awkward, or bad, or put you in a position to be uncomfortable. you're his girlfriend, he needs to stand up for you.

 

i know everyone says 'friends come first' but when the friends are rude, don't care about you and your relationship, and treat people in an unhealthy way, that argument doesn't hold any water, in my opinion. she has more of a hold on him than you do, and that would make me very uncomfortable.

 

you have every right to say to him "listen, you can be friends with anyone you want to, but when it comes down to being friends with a girl who makes me feel like i have to lock myself in a bedroom while you 'be friends together' and she openly disrespect me and you don't do anything about it, it's a cause for concern. maybe you should think about that."

 

she was acting that way because he didn't contact her since he started dating you? that's off. there are 1000 things wrong with that, alone, and a 1000 million ways you can take it, and none of them are good.

[blue.butterfly]

Spooty and Kenzie, you are both right. Spooty, I will obviously not get treated the way that I expect and deserve to be treated in this situation. I really have to guard myself against sinking to her level.

 

Kenzie, this part really of your message really hit me:

 

"If he insists on being friends with her (which i don't get because she sounds wretched) then he needs to make it clear that she doesn't get to make you feel awkward, or bad, or put you in a position to be uncomfortable. you're his girlfriend, he needs to stand up for you."

 

For some reason, he has a hard time standing up to people, especially her!

 

Also "she was acting that way because he didn't contact her since he started dating you? that's off. there are 1000 things wrong with that, alone, and a 1000 million ways you can take it, and none of them are good."

 

Right on.

 

So, as a result of this mess, we have agreed to meet this Saturday for lunch. She will have her boyfriend there as well. I found it interesting she thought it was odd I wanted to meet her. My boyfriend said it was probably because I had not expressed interest in meeting her before. The fact of the matter is, I have been excluded from even knowing they were in contact. In that case, why would I express interest? Not only that, but isn't us meeting HIS responsibility?

 

Anyway, even though part of me wants to be a complete bitch to her, I am going to be as pleasant as can be. Should be eye-opening, because I am quite certain her boyfriend has a problem with this friendship as well. At any rate, it should be interesting. I honestly wonder if in the back of their minds they're both wondering "oh ****, we've done it now." Hmmmmmm....

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Spooty and Kenzie, you are both right. Spooty, I will obviously not get treated the way that I expect and deserve to be treated in this situation. I really have to guard myself against sinking to her level.

 

Kenzie, this part really of your message really hit me:

 

"If he insists on being friends with her (which i don't get because she sounds wretched) then he needs to make it clear that she doesn't get to make you feel awkward, or bad, or put you in a position to be uncomfortable. you're his girlfriend, he needs to stand up for you."

 

For some reason, he has a hard time standing up to people, especially her!

 

Also "she was acting that way because he didn't contact her since he started dating you? that's off. there are 1000 things wrong with that, alone, and a 1000 million ways you can take it, and none of them are good."

 

Right on.

 

So, as a result of this mess, we have agreed to meet this Saturday for lunch. She will have her boyfriend there as well. I found it interesting she thought it was odd I wanted to meet her. My boyfriend said it was probably because I had not expressed interest in meeting her before. The fact of the matter is, I have been excluded from even knowing they were in contact. In that case, why would I express interest? Not only that, but isn't us meeting HIS responsibility?

 

Anyway, even though part of me wants to be a complete bitch to her, I am going to be as pleasant as can be. Should be eye-opening, because I am quite certain her boyfriend has a problem with this friendship as well. At any rate, it should be interesting. I honestly wonder if in the back of their minds they're both wondering "oh ****, we've done it now." Hmmmmmm....

 

good luck, blue, please let us know how it goes! i know you're trying, but don't forget, you're supposed to be the one with the upper hand here, so don't let her overpower everything. maybe even subtly mention how you 'met' her the first time )her screaming at your boyfriend--her boyfriend might find that interesting to know...) be friendly, but show her you're a force to be reckoned with! most of the time, people like her act that way because no one stops them, so when someone shows them that they aren't impressed, they're shocked and knocked down a peg. this is one chick that needs to be knocked just not one, but several pegs! i hope it goes well, but even if it doesn't, hopefully you'll at least have a better understanding of what you're dealing with...and whether it's worth it.

[spooty]

Anyway, even though part of me wants to be a complete bitch to her, I am going to be as pleasant as can be. Should be eye-opening, because I am quite certain her boyfriend has a problem with this friendship as well. At any rate, it should be interesting. I honestly wonder if in the back of their minds they're both wondering "oh ****, we've done it now." Hmmmmmm....

 

oh i would love to be a fly on the wall to see how that brat reacts!

and i would have never guessed that she had a boyfriend, both from her bothering yours and her attitude, poor guy! i think you should talk to him and make very sweet (but innocent) conversation and see her reaction! maybe once you find something in common say a thing like "oh you like ____ too? we should go check out _____ sometime" see how her and your bf like it!

[LoveLace]

Your dealing with a classic case of a drama queen who never moves on, yet somehow manages to keep a dude at bay, in a way that convinces him they are "just friends"; and by encouraging him to discuss his relationship problems she hopes that this in turn will make him want HER instead. It's one of the dirty little games that immature females play. I know cuz I was that girl once, when I was much younger.

 

So maybe they are just friends, but if a friendship like that is somehow disrupting a relationship, your boyfriend is supposed to prioritize you over her. He doesn't seem to be doing that, not to the point necessary. It isn't as though you are being controlling, and she is the one who has brought the drama into your life.

 

You won't like this, but I think you should make him choose. End the friendship or your gone. If he doesn't see the things that are causing problems, and make an effort to change them, you should cut back on your effort as well. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

 

It would be different if this girl didnt' sound so immature or cause a scene, in that case it would seem like more of a sincere friendship but ultimately all this chick wants is your boyfriend. Let her have him, they deserve each other.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

oh i would love to be a fly on the wall to see how that brat reacts!

and i would have never guessed that she had a boyfriend, both from her bothering yours and her attitude, poor guy! i think you should talk to him and make very sweet (but innocent) conversation and see her reaction! maybe once you find something in common say a thing like "oh you like ____ too? we should go check out _____ sometime" see how her and your bf like it!

 

hilarious. after all, she can't argue that girls and guys can't just be friends if she's friends with someone else's boyfriend, right? she should be more than willing to share her own with blue.butterfly.

 

devilishly delightful.

[blue.butterfly]

Thanks for the support everyone! This situation has been extremely hard for me. I DO have a slightly devilish plan, though.... I don't know if this could be categorized as "catty," but dammit, I'm tired of this girl's BS.

 

Since her boyfriend is going to be there I am going to bring up the way she acted when we initially met. That may be interesting.

 

But more so, she called my man and talked to him for an hour the other day about problems she is having with her boyfriend. This happens often, actually. I'm just sure I can happen to bring that up in casual conversation somehow....

 

And as far as holding myself well and standing my ground, this girl cannot even begin to KNOW what she's up against. I happen to be a very territorial creature. It's in my Leo nature!

 

Thank you so much for all your replies!

[Surfer Girl]

Personally I would not bring up any conversations that could cause trouble between the boyfriend and her... As that could escalate to an unpleasant scene for all involved... In my opinion doing that makes you look like the bad one... and it will be obvious....which will in return make the friend vent more to your boyfriend about how much a bi$$h you are...

 

I would be very affectionate, loving with boyfriend... and shine.... as though meeting her doesn't bother you at all... as you are confident in your relationship....

 

When someone becomes emotionally involved in a relationship where it hurts your relationship.... It is just as bad as a physical affair... So saying we have't done anything doesn't matter... An emotional affair is sometimes worse... He definately needs to stand up for you.... and let her know you are his priority and he may not be available at her beck and call....

[blue.butterfly]

Surfer Girl,

 

Believe me I agree with what you are saying, but it has went WAY past that point. My boyfriend has hidden this friendship with her for way too long for me to be able to act like I am OK with this, and he knows it. he has MANY opportunities to stand up for me, yet when his friend comes up in conversation, he stands up for her.

 

While I know it would be obvious and would make me look like a bitch if I brought up their conversations, I also firmly believe that her boyfriend and I should at least be knowledgeable and slightly involved in their friendship if there is nothing to hide. So how can I get things into the open without looking like a bitch?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Surfer Girl,

 

 

 

While I know it would be obvious and would make me look like a bitch if I brought up their conversations, I also firmly believe that her boyfriend and I should at least be knowledgeable and slightly involved in their friendship if there is nothing to hide. So how can I get things into the open without looking like a bitch?

 

you wouldn't look like a bitch at all, it depends on how you bring it up. simply saying something like 'i hope this goes better than the last time we saw each other, hahaha hehehe' , whatever, something like that, can surely bring what happened into the conversation. you don't have to say "hey slut, i don't appreciate how you stormed into my territory last time" in order to bring it up. although, in my opinion, if it comes down to it, you have every right to do so.

 

you could even say something like "i'm sorry i just kind of left the room last time, but i wasn't really sure what was going on and i didn't want to get in the middle of something and say something i would regret--you have a boyfriend, so i think you know what i mean, what girlfriend knows exactly what to do when some girl starts screaming at her boyfriend and you don't even know who she is? talk about awkward! *smile*"

 

see what i mean? there are ways to bring it up that don't make you look like an instigator, but that still call this crazy girl's actions into question. and you can do all this with bright, shining, happy confidence, which will only make her seethe. oh well, she needs to be put in her place.