shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 If you suddenly disappeared on your bf/gf for a few days just to test their commitment to you? Like no initiating email, phone, etc. You wouldn't blow them off completely -- if they really tried to get in touch you'd answer them. But no initiating contact or being online/answering the phone regularly. I think it would give me a feeling of control, but at the expense of hurting another person which I'm not willing to do. I'm curious to know if anyone has ever done this and how their lover reacted. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I think what usually happens is one person will flip out and push, and the other person says "you're just insecure" and the relationship is altered to a damaged state. Because that is what usually happens when someone acts uncharacteristically different. Would it give me a feeling of control? No. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Don't even go there. It would damage the relationship and many times permanently. The last thing you would want to do is to play b/s games like that with someone you purported to care about. If you want to power play, there are other avenues for that, instead of doing something of this nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 If you suddenly disappeared on your bf/gf for a few days just to test their commitment to you? Like no initiating email, phone, etc. I think it would give me a feeling of control If you are thinking of reciprocating in such ways, then this relationship is not a healthy one. Almost at the stages of someone mentally checking out of it, if you have to test ones devotion through cat and mouse games like that. Now surely there could be valid reasons if he was/is busy or unable to call, e-mail etc...But on the other hand that should also be communicated by him so you understand. If he has a demanding job, school etc...But still if the relationship is moving forward well, clearly an obvious effort is being made on both parts to communicate with each other regardless of how busy one is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 He's actually good about keeping in touch most of the time. I just have a lot of insecurities when it comes to how others feel about me because of being burned in the past. I think you guys are right, though. I shouldn't even be thinking in these terms. I don't know what's wrong with me... Link to post Share on other sites
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Hmm well Johnny probably wouldnt notice at first...you know how busy he gets filming his pirates of the caribbean but then again i might need to inform him of our love affair we've been having first Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Just relax shadowplay. While it maybe tempting to take control of your relationship, remember, you can only control yourself. Banter is fun. A little unknown element with the view to getting to know someone is fun. Once you start playing games like this, it's no longer fun because it's hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I did this once. As a result, he never called. Hmm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Well, I confess I kind of did this to my bf yesterday but it was more out of an effort to give him space. We're LD right now but see each other frequently. We've gotten in the habit of talking on im every night. Usually I'll come on late, he'll see my name and im me. Well the night before last I imed him around 12:30 am when I didn't hear from him and he seemed pretty tired. I got the sense he wasn't in the mood to talk to me, but he wasn't rude or anything. After that I got the idea that I needed to give him a little space. So yesterday I didn't get online at all and we never spoke. Then this morning I imed him and he surprised me by telling me he was taking the five hour bus tonight to see me! He had told me before that he would be coming down in the near future but wasn't specific about his plans and never implied it would be this soon. Does that mean my "experiment" worked or is it just coincidence? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 I did this once. As a result, he never called. Hmm. Were you the main initiator before that? I think in some situations it's a reasonable thing to do. If you've been the main initiator and feel that they're not very interested, it's reasonable to take a step back and make them do some of the work communicating. Otherwise you'll always feel insecure about their level of interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Well, I confess I kind of did this to my bf yesterday but it was more out of an effort to give him space. We're LD right now but see each other frequently. We've gotten in the habit of talking on im every night. Usually I'll come on late, he'll see my name and im me. Well the night before last I imed him around 12:30 am when I didn't hear from him and he seemed pretty tired. I got the sense he wasn't in the mood to talk to me, but he wasn't rude or anything. After that I got the idea that I needed to give him a little space. So yesterday I didn't get online at all and we never spoke. Then this morning I imed him and he surprised me by telling me he was taking the five hour bus tonight to see me! He had told me before that he would be coming down in the near future but wasn't specific about his plans and never implied it would be this soon. Does that mean my "experiment" worked or is it just coincidence? It might be a little of both, who knows. Are you going to keep doing this everytime you feel a little uncertain? Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 He's actually good about keeping in touch most of the time. I just have a lot of insecurities when it comes to how others feel about me because of being burned in the past. I think you guys are right, though. I shouldn't even be thinking in these terms. I don't know what's wrong with me... I believe you should be asking yourself the question what is it you want from the relationship? Is the answer that comes out is just plain unrealistic, or unfair to expect? Now you've asked many hypothetical questions here sure, but this guy in my opinion has done nothing wrong to illicit such thinking on your part or even yourself asking others here to provide insight to those wild eyed ideas. Accept the fact he could be busy, tired, has plans or activities outside the relationship...or even his personality varies from yours greatly in many areas in this case communication. If you say he's doing a good job, then leave it at that. He could very well think the world of you, meanwhile you are obsessing about how everyone feels and how every action must have it's negative impact towards you. why? My advice would be that now is a good time to work on fixing\diagnosing? your problems instead of dubious means of fixing your own boyfriend...Unload all that past baggage of yours and way of thinking before it plagues all relationships from here on out. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Were you the main initiator before that? No. He was just smart, and could smell the game a mile away. Link to post Share on other sites
Geoffrey Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 ...but I feel such a tactic sounds like subtle manipulation to me. I HATE game-playing like that. I've been on the receiving end more than once, and it isn't a good feeling. Don't relationships have ENOUGH tests and challeneges in them already without someone pandering to their own insecurity and making the other person pick up the tab for that? If a woman did that to me just to "test" me, and I found about it, I would be welcoming her to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
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