Is being extremely clingy and needy always a bad thing?

[pook]

Hi gang,

 

I have a friend who has been exclusive with her BF for 15 mths now. We were talking about her relationship and specifically her BF's extreme clingyness. She is very intellegent about relationships and knows all about red flags, stages of relationships etc. She chooses to stay with this man despite his clingy behaviour. She loves it, it makes her feel special, loved, and wanted. It is not one sided either..she clings on to him too just not as extreme as he does. I think I have read a term for this.."clingy couple syndrome" or something.

 

As an outsider looking in, they are indeed a very loving couple. No fighting, great communication, very bonded and deep feelings towards each other, no sex problems, love doing absoulutly everything together. They hold hands and caress each other in public. To me they make a beautiful couple. They are past the honeymoon stage for sure (although it probably sounds like they are still in it) They do not live together. My friend wants to take it slow in that department. They spend every evening together, and every spare moment they have otherwise.

 

What I want to know out of curiousity is: Do these types of relationships work? I've always thought clingy/needy is not a good thing. But maybe if both are that way then would it work? Will they tire of each other? This couple is not young ..both in early 40's married once before to cold, non affectionate people. When it comes to other interests she says we only want to have interests that involve the both of us so we can be together. If one of us has an interest that can't involve the other..then both would be supportive of it.

 

Any thoughts on this..

[CaliGuy]

Being needy and clingy is based on perception. If one partner feels smothered, you're being clingy/needy. If neither feel smothered, then you're not being needy and clingy.

 

Being needy or clingy, in the true sense of the word, can be summarized as "co-dependent."

[riobikini]

re:

 

"Is being extremely clingy and needy always a bad thing? "

 

 

 

When I was dating I met a guy who admitted he actually looked for women who were extremely "needy".

 

After talking with him for awhile I knew exactly *why*.

 

He was a very insecure person even though he came off (at the start) as very confident and successful -witty and even fun.

 

Truth was, he viewed himself secretly as a miserable failure but was unwilling to face his "Waterloos" or make any changes in himself to turn things around.

 

It was pretty clear how dysfunctional he lived his life in not dealing with his shortcomings and his feelings about them and how it created the need to choose women who were especially vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

 

On the surface -without the underlying details- this might have appeared to have been a bit like the "Master/Servant" relationship some actually find happiness with, but with this particular guy it didn't stack up once you really learned what the underlying reasons were for his seeking clingy, vulnerable women.

 

He simply needed to feel big, bad, and strong and being able to degrade someone, manipulate them, and keep them on a leash was the necessary ticket.

 

And -to me- being on a leash is o.k. -but only if you're a Chihuahua.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[quankanne]

I think I have read a term for this

 

yeah. I call it being a sticky booger.

 

had a BF like that after college, and if his "attentiveness" was kind of nice at first, it quickly grew old. Because I tend to prefer my space, and he wasn't providing. However, there *are* some people who don't see any problem with it. So if she's alright with that kind of attentiveness, don't worry about it – she can handle it.