Confusion in relationship turned friendship turned jealousy

[ladyjane]

Okay..So here is my story..There is a lot to it..But in order not to drive everyone crazy.Ill try to keep to the basics....So I have dated this guy on and off for 6 months...He was really intense when I first met him..Said he loved me a week into it...I went along with it for a week because I was having fun with him and just getting to know him and was excited to meet someone new, but when when he said he loved me I suddenly got worried of the seriousness.....He also was more affectionate, and touchy, and into me in general than I was...But that is partly my character, and partly because I am somewhat reserved and shy and it takes me awhile to get used to people and comfortable with opening up. I kept trying to tell him that I am not that intense of a person, it takes awhile for me to open up....This was supposed to be the "honeymoon" stage for us in his eyes..and I seemed to have intimacy issues and doubts about us...Maybe because it was all too fast...

 

I really cared about him and enjoyed his company, and liked being affectionate with him when I felt like it..But I couldnt seem to match it half of the time he wanted it..It became a HUGE issue...For six months we have struggled with it..On top of a million other things that would make this post 20 pages long if I mentioned..But we have worked on things as well, and had some good times....The few times we broke up, he would tell me he would find some other girl...Usually because i was being uncooperative and wanted to break up while we were fighting....Finally this past week, we both agreed that we would try to be friends so we could enjoy eachothers company more with less pressure and expectations (my idea)...He really wanted the relationship, and I really wanted to try and be friends so I didnt feel the pressure of him constantly being needy to me...He still said he loved me, and that if he slept with anyone, I would still be in his heart...

 

Flash back to a few days ago...We had agreed on not telling eachother if we were with anyone else...Since I am not that much into sex or looking for anyone new right now, I have been concentrating on being with friends and family and keeping busy....X boyfriend\now friend has been out partying hard and hanging out and fooling around with new girls..I didnt think it would bother me as much as would...But it has ultimately shattered me...I lashed out in jealousy, but explained to him the friendship thing was way to difficult for me..i cant deal with even thinking of him with another women, but I felt at a dead end because we both wanted and need such different things from the relationship..He wanted way more sex and affection and felt unappreciated. And I wanted things to be way more laid back, for me to feel like I could be myself without pressure..i really tried to have sex with him and be affectionate as much as I could, but I often feel like I have little sex drive, especially when we were always arguing..i know everyone will say we arent right for eachother..Move on...But I question myself, I question why we couldnt find a medium ground..he always seemed open to compromise, but I just couldnt even seem to always meet him halfway...I see how easily he can find another women...

 

For the past couple days I have been steaming and crying with jealousy..and he said he adored me and if I wanted to make it work out than let him know..Instead of me saying yes, I do..I said I couldnt get beyond the fact that he was ALREADY with another women..I felt like it was being held over my head, and that if we tried again I would just know he could compare me to how easy he got along with her, or he could easily think of cheating on me with her..He has so many girl "friends"...He never cheated on me when we were together..but the second we were broken up, it was like he couldnt spend a day without going to another women....He was so enraged with me that I was jealous and couldnt get past the jealousy, when the friendship thing was MY idea, and he wanted to be with me..That I think I pushed him away for good...The last email he wrote me said he was sick of my ups and downs and that he wasnt going to deal with it, and that he gave me so many chances to try and make it work and now he doesnt want me anymore..In fact he said he wants me to be with someone else so I can appreciate how great he was to me....I feel heartbroken..Im so torn about what to do..I tried to email him..But all I can think of is he is out with this other girl...I think if I crawled back to him, hed totally be in control and I would feel lousy...I dont know what to do..He really wanted me, but felt so unappreciated...And I may have come across that way but never meant to...I just wanted to be able to be myself and not hang out 24/7..I dont know..Sorry this has dragged on..It has turned way more complicated than I ever thought it would, and my feelings are way stronger than I ever thought they were...Is there any hope? Or is this all just way too messed up....I feel sick..Please..any advice???? I didnt mean for this post to be so long!!