Shut up!!!!

[jcster]

Dammit! Why did he have to say anything?

 

So, I wrote before about hooking up with a co-worker. He's gorgeous, he's great in bed, he can be very fun and affectionate...but... the guy is a jerk! I at first chalked up a lot of his verbal faux-pas to trying too hard - he chased me for several months before I decided to take a chance on him. Now I find myself cringing every time I talk to him. 9 times out of 10 he just talks at me - topics often include: how much money he has, how much money he's going to make, stupid things other people did and how he single handedly saved them, how unique he is, how good in bed he is, women he's screwed, guys he's beat up...

 

You get the gist. I can't tell whether the guy is just incredibly insecure, very immature, or an utter narcissist. After a miserable movie outing, where he left me guarding the seats while he played video games with his younger brother, I'm considering throwing the towel in for good.

 

Has anyone out there known someone like this and have they improved over time? He's got a lot of great things going for him - other than the fact that I want to kill him every time he opens his mouth. Maybe a ball gag? I don't even want to introduce him to my friends - I'm afraid of what he will say.

 

This may be more of a vent than anything else, because if I can't deal with him this early in the game, we are surely doomed. But - damn it - he's so hot!!!!

[Salicious Crumb]

Dammit! Why did he have to say anything?

 

So, I wrote before about hooking up with a co-worker. He's gorgeous, he's great in bed, he can be very fun and affectionate...but... the guy is a jerk! I at first chalked up a lot of his verbal faux-pas to trying too hard - he chased me for several months before I decided to take a chance on him. Now I find myself cringing every time I talk to him. 9 times out of 10 he just talks at me - topics often include: how much money he has, how much money he's going to make, stupid things other people did and how he single handedly saved them, how unique he is, how good in bed he is, women he's screwed, guys he's beat up...

 

You get the gist. I can't tell whether the guy is just incredibly insecure, very immature, or an utter narcissist. After a miserable movie outing, where he left me guarding the seats while he played video games with his younger brother, I'm considering throwing the towel in for good.

 

Has anyone out there known someone like this and have they improved over time? He's got a lot of great things going for him - other than the fact that I want to kill him every time he opens his mouth. Maybe a ball gag? I don't even want to introduce him to my friends - I'm afraid of what he will say.

 

This may be more of a vent than anything else, because if I can't deal with him this early in the game, we are surely doomed. But - damn it - he's so hot!!!!

 

If he is hot and great in bed...then continue on with him and let him be a jerk....afterall...as long as your superficial fix is being met...so what about him being a jackass? Afterall...he's hot!!

[jcster]

I think you missed the part where I said he coud be fun and nice too - but that's ok...thanks so very much for your thoughtful reply.

[annabelle75]

I think you missed the part where I said he coud be fun and nice too - but that's ok...thanks so very much for your thoughtful reply.

 

The operative phrase here is "could be fun and nice too." The fact than he can be but for some reason chooses not to be is very telling of his personality and maturity. You can't base a relationship on some one's potential. I think you already know that and that is why you are so frustrated. For now you just have to accept him as he is, if you can. If you can't maybe its time to just move on.

 

Why can't hot guys have personalities to match? It would make things so much easier.

[Herzen]

The question is whether this hottie will change over time and/or will you gradually acclimate to his selfish, narcissistic behavior.

 

No one likes to be talked at, disregarded and otherwise treated as invisible. The early stages of a sexual relationship should be all about the both of you, not just about him.Trust me: narcissistic personalities become wearing after awhile.

 

Will he change? I strongly doubt it. What I've learned in my 56 years is that character is well nigh immutable. You can work around the edges, but the substance (or lack) remains the same.

 

Will you adjust? That's a more difficult question. If there's chemistry, and he's fun, and you have nothing else happening, you might want to stick it out until someone less narcissistic appears.

 

As for ball gags, you live in SF, the bdsm capitol of the USA! Buy one. Heck, get two.

[jcster]

Will he change? I strongly doubt it. What I've learned in my 56 years is that character is well nigh immutable. You can work around the edges, but the substance (or lack) remains the same.

 

Will you adjust? That's a more difficult question. If there's chemistry, and he's fun, and you have nothing else happening, you might want to stick it out until someone less narcissistic appears.

 

You are right - narcissists rarely change without extensive therapy - and good luck getting one to go! Damn. I seem to always end up with the narcissists (thanks, Dad) - but at least now I can recognize them early on.

 

I don't think it's right or fair of me to try and "put up with it." I guess I'll throw him back and he can hook up with the nice little co-dependent he was meant to be with (no longer me). Again, damn.

[Herzen]

You are right - narcissists rarely change without extensive therapy - and good luck getting one to go! Damn. I seem to always end up with the narcissists (thanks, Dad) - but at least now I can recognize them early on.

 

I don't think it's right or fair of me to try and "put up with it." I guess I'll throw him back and he can hook up with the nice little co-dependent he was meant to be with (no longer me). Again, damn.

 

It sounds that warning bells are pealing. You're right: throw this cute (but dysfunctional)fish back into the Bay.

 

Speaking as someone who has dated very attractive, but uncomfortably weird women, you're doing the right thing. This is the time--early in the relationship--when raging hormones and oxcytocin make us near-blind to our new lover's faults. The fact that these discomfort issues are front and center this early in the game leaves me to believe that your relationship has a very grim prognosis.

 

Back to the drawing board.

[kepners]

err..... my old man always tell me how much more incredibly rich then thou he is all the time... but i go for birds who dont fancy me! how very odd is that.

HAHAHAHAH

i love everyone posts, your going to get flamed because you being shallow like a man... but be thankful your not the otherwoman whos shallow! because then you would be ALONE and a EASY TARGET!

HAHAHA. i am so funny.

 

in all seriousness, you know what to do! ur just venting because your ingnored the facts for all those months... and its got to the point where you cant put up with it.

bless you, welcome to a mans world! HAHAHA

[jcster]

ur just venting because your ingnored the facts for all those months... and its got to the point where you cant put up with it.

bless you, welcome to a mans world! HAHAHA

 

Well, yeah....I guess that is what I'm doing. It beats the hell out of my usual "wait by the phone - oh why doesn't he call - I must be AWFUL" crapola of years past.

 

Your reply reminds me of my favorite button of all time "I'm not a slut, I'm just acting like a man."

[Shizz]

If your just in it for the fun of it, then go ahead.

If your in it for a serious relationship then end it, and tell him that you think he's a narcistic pig. Lol. Some men stop mentally aging at twelve, and this guy sounds completely, self obsessed.

[Trialbyfire]

jcster, run for your life. A narcissist will drain you of life and substance...

[jcster]

How appropriate that my little message has moved back to the main page! After 2 weeks of very little interaction (we work at the same organization, but in different buildings), he's started being "friendly" again. I don't think that a relationship (of whatever depth) with a raging narcissist is what I need right now. Any advice on how to just keep in at the friend level from now on?