Retroactive jealousy is killing me

[ken67]

I have been reading the posts on here about retoactive jealousy and have seen some good advice. However, my situation is a bit different, and hope someone here can help me.

 

My situation: I am 38. I divorced my wife of seventeen years about one year ago. My girlfriend is the first relationship since my wife and I divorced and we have been dating for about five months, but have known each other casually for ten years. We have a great time together, great sex together, similar tastes, etc, etc.In other words, all is well. I feel that I could eventually form a great life with this woman and she treats me very well.

 

The problem: About two months into this I began wondering about her past and I asked. Actually, I made her tell me because of some sick need to know this stuff. I learned that she is 36 and has never been married, but has had a couple of two and three year relationships........not a problem, but also, that she has had affairs with two married men, one six or seven years ago, another three years ago. The first one apparently got divorced and remarried last year before we met. She says that he called her up and they "got together" again but she did not know he was remarried. She says she broke it off as soon as she found out. I also found out that she has had several one night stands, according to her, mostly in college.

 

THE REAL PROBLEM: It turns out that I know the two married men that she had affairs with because we are in the same line of work. Inherently worse is that I come into contact with them occassionally.

 

THE WORSE PROBLEM: Whenever I see these guys, my mind paints the most vivid image of my girlfriend going down on them, her legs in the air getting screwed, doing God knows what. When I ask why she did these things, she tells me that it was a bad point in her life and she was lonely.

 

It's so bad that I am considering another line of work after ten years with the same company so that I never have to see these guys again.

 

What's weird is that thinking of her having sex with the steady boyfriends bothers me, but nothing like this. It's the affairs because that's solely sex and I have even heard that one of the guys "is hung like a horse". I somehow feel inadequate, even though this is unconfirmed.

 

I get these images in my head, and they will not let go, I feel sick, I can't sleep.

 

NOW THE TWIST: I HAD NUMEROUS AFFAIRS WHILE MARRIED! I had a steady GF on the side for years, lots of one and two month affairs, and a few one nighters. My last count........I slept with fifteen other women while married, though she was completely faithful. I WAS A COMPLETE PRICK to my ex. Prior to getting married, I maybe had sex with five people.

 

So, why now, all of a sudden does extramarital sex bother me so much, with someone who I've known for five months, and did this stuff before I came along?

 

I wonder if it's a trust issue because of all I have done. I honestly do not think of this stuff much when I am with her. It's when I am at work, fearing an encounter with these guys, that I go bug nuts.

 

I know that everyone has a past, God knows I do. I seriously see the error of my ways because of this issue with my GF. It makes me think of all the bad things I have done and I fear, somehow, that this is my punishment for my wrongs........to be in love with someone just like me.

 

What do you think?

[norajane]

So, why now, all of a sudden does extramarital sex bother me so much, with someone who I've known for five months, and did this stuff before I came along?

 

Because now YOU aren't the one who's doing it. SHE did it. And you just might be wondering if she'd do it again...this time, to you.

 

Seeing the guys she had her affairs with brings it home where it hurts - your ego.

 

Have you sought counseling and dealt with the fall-out of your affairs and the ending of your marriage? It might be best to stay out of relationships until you know you have what it takes to be faithful to someone.

[ken67]

Norajane, I do feel the capacity to be faithful now. It's this stuff that makes me realize how much I hurt the people in my life. It's this stuff that drops it at my door and makes me realize the things I have done wrong. I absolutely have no more of those feelings that I had when I was married. I have no desire to behave the way I did. I hope that my GF feels the same way and perhaps I seek validation of that. I know that I perhaps do not deserve what I have, but it does not change my feelings. Hit me full blast though, maybe I need it.

[sweetbutcheeky]

If you or her cheated in the past or not it would be hard to work with people you know your girlfriend had sex with. (more so if you know they are married)

 

About her cheating in the past bothering you, I agree it didn't bother you cause you were the one doing it. But it's different when you think of the risk of it happening to you (or her doing it to people you know).