Am I being understanding??

[Butterflying]

Last month, my boyfriend of 8 months, made plans with me to attend a Valentine's Day ball this Saturday night. Initially, he wasn't thrilled about going to the ball with me because it's formal. But he gave in considering how important it was to me.

 

However, he lost his job last week. For this entire week, he hasn't contacted me. I called him yesturday to see how he was doing. He said he has been preparing for interviews and such. I reminded him of the Valentines Day ball and he said he wouldn't be able to go. In fact, he won't be able to see me over the weekend at all because he needs to spend the weekend preparing for a job interview (that hasn't been scheduled yet).

 

He has had this entire week to schedule and prepare for interviews. I'm not asking to spend the whole weekend with him. Just a few hours of one important evening. Now, I'm stuck without a date for the ball. I asked him why he needed so much time to prepare for an "unshceduled" interview that probably won't last more than 1 hour. He got angry with me for asking that question. He said I don't understand what it takes to be successful.

 

Now I'm wondering if I should leave him alone and give him space until he finds another job.

[Star Gazer]

Last month, my boyfriend of 8 months, made plans with me to attend a Valentine's Day ball this Saturday night. Initially, he wasn't thrilled about going to the ball with me because it's formal. But he gave in considering how important it was to me.

 

However, he lost his job last week. For this entire week, he hasn't contacted me. I called him yesturday to see how he was doing. He said he has been preparing for interviews and such. I reminded him of the Valentines Day ball and he said he wouldn't be able to go. In fact, he won't be able to see me over the weekend at all because he needs to spend the weekend preparing for a job interview (that hasn't been scheduled yet).

 

He has had this entire week to schedule and prepare for interviews. I'm not asking to spend the whole weekend with him. Just a few hours of one important evening. Now, I'm stuck without a date for the ball. I asked him why he needed so much time to prepare for an "unshceduled" interview that probably won't last more than 1 hour. He got angry with me for asking that question. He said I don't understand what it takes to be successful.

 

Now I'm wondering if I should leave him alone and give him space until he finds another job.

 

 

Are the tickets for the ball already paid for? Would he have to shell out any cash to attend? Dinner? Limo? Tux rental? Anything?

 

"They" say getting fired is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person. I imagine it's even worse if a person's living paycheck to paycheck. The guy has a lot on his mind right now - try to be a little more understanding.

[Lauriebell82]

i agree with stargazer, he's probably just trying to find a job really bad. if he has to pay money to attend the ball than i would be understanding about it seeing he doesnt have the money. its easy to get upset if u've been looking forward to it, but losing his job is to an out-of-the-blue type thing that he def. didnt plan on. he's probably seriously stressed out so maybe he even figures that if he didnt have to actually pay for anything to go to the ball, maybe his stress level is so high and worrying about another job that he wouldnt be very good company. so maybe he's just trying to avoid a situation like that happening. of course thats just my psych degree coming into play.

[begood2urself]

Hi Butterflying,

I disagree completely with the 2 people above me. Basically, It seems like your BF is full of sh*t, and it seems like he is using this as an excuse to not go to the ball that he was dreading going in the first place. It seems like a "real" excuse, but the fact that he is getting defensive when you ask him why he needs that night to prepare for his interview is absurd.

 

The people above are making excuses for his behavior. Let's get somethings clear before I go on. Loosing your stability (job) is very stressful and it completely makes you rationally worried.

 

I think if you were asking him to go on vacation for a week after he just lost his job, and he decided to back out at the last minute because he needs the week to do interviews is perfectly understandable, but if you are just asking for a few hours of his Saturday night, it seems unreasonable that he can't give those to you, or at least a valid reason behind why he does not want to go.

 

If it is because he has to dish out money, or because he thinks he will be grumpy bad company, then he needs to tell you that, you can't guess that for him and you can't make excuses for him.

 

Try talking to him again and find out the real reasons, then you should proceed with whatever decision you think it's appropriate. (i.e. breaking-up or being understanding)

[littlekitty]

I find it strange that he didn't contact your for the whole week as well! You'd have thought he might want some support having lost his job.

 

I'm leaning towards begood2urself's opinion. Would going to the ball cost him anything? I'd guess the tickets are already paid for. I'm sure knowing he's lost his job you'd not be expecting him to stump up any money. In his shoes I'd probably enjoy a nice night out being treated by my other half. That said, you do mention this isn't his type of thing - but regardless his backing out at the last minute does seem a little 'off' to me!

 

I can't understand why he suddenly can't spare you a Saturday evening? He can't need to prepare all weekend long for an interview he doesn't even have in his calendar yet.

 

Perhaps he has decided he won't be good company, but it would be kinder to discuss that with you rather than come up with stupid excuses. And why get nasty when you challenge his need for all this preparation?

 

Hmmm I'm not sure on this one. There's a few things there that are bothering me.

[Lauriebell82]

yeah i agree with both of u in the respect that he should talk to u about this. he probably didnt want to go to this thing, so he just might be using losing his job as an excuse. its hard to tell sometimes.

 

this happened when my bf was studying for the cpa exam which i was worried about. it wasnt at all about me it was about passing his test. so thats why part of me is sticking up for this guy, that maybe he really is worried about finding a job. if he doesnt have to shell out any money than he could go to the ball, especially if he knew how important it is to u. my advice is talk to him about it and see what he says.

[confucious]

I am on the side of "something strange is going on". It may be nothing dire at all, but still.

 

NOt contacting you for a week is very odd - yes he is stressed, maybe depressed at losing his job but shouldn't you be his safe place?? A source of strength?? I know if I lost my job my GF would be the first one to hear about it and the most important one in helping me get back out there. I find it strange there is that distance with you two...

 

Secondly - he can certainly spare the time to go out with you...he already agreed to go months ago AND it is Valentines...we have certain responsibilities in a relationship...this Ball will NOT ruin his job search.

 

SO - does he often go witout contacting you for a week at a time?? Is this usual?

 

Could it be he is absolutely dreading the ball?? Does he have anxiety issues?? Dislike crowds?? Not know how to dance and so fears this kind of gathering? Will it be all your co-workers or school firends at the Ball?

 

I ask all these as it seems to me he is avoiding it as best he can (the getting mad/defensive and turning it on YOU, accusing you of not understanding is the big indicator) and I don't think his job has anything to do with it.

 

Perhaps he is just selfish?? I dated a girl I thought I loved who always expected me to hang out with her friends, show up at her parties etc. but ALWAYS complained and asked "Do we really HAVE to go?" whenever we were slated to do something with MY friends...this always made me feel bad about asking her which I shouldn't have. Just a thought...

[Butterflying]

Later that evening, after I posted this, my BF called me to clarify everything. He sensed (from our earlier conversation that led to this post) that something was wrong.

 

Everything was already paid for. The crowd would consist of mostly my co-workers and friends. But he's not a stranger to anyone. He has met most of them already. I told him exactly how I felt. All I wanted was for him to acknowlege my greif and apologize for it instead of acting like it was no big deal and I should get over it.

 

He apologized and said he didn't want to tell anyone that he's unemployed. Right now, he's not in the mood for parties. He went over a detailed list of things that he's doing to prepare for job interviews. I still wasn't convinced that he needed the whole weekend, but I accepted his apology.

 

I don't know what to do really. I want to be there for him, but he doesn't seem to need me. I try to act normal and do normal things, and he's pushing me away. I know he doesn't want pity and that's not what I'm doing. This whole situation right now is making me miserable. But when I express grief, it makes him angry and he blames me for everything. When I tell him I want to give him space, he accuses me of not sticking by him through hard times. I just don't know what to do.