Broken heart...fell in love with a lesbian

[useless]

Ok, I'll see if I can condense this since it's kind of a long story.

 

I met this girl about 11 years ago and we ended up working together It started off for both of us as just business associates, nothing more. During that time she told me she was a 100% lesbian and could never be with a man again although she had in the past. Well, over the course of the next 3 years we became very close friends and I somehow managed to fall head over heels in love with her. Since she insisted she couldn't be with a man ever again, I kept my feelings to myself as hard as that was to do. Not only that, she always had a girlfriend during that period.

 

As I mentioned, we became very close friends and spent a lot of time together doing things like traveling, going on small vacations, and just hanging out all the time. We would sit there and talk for hours and hours. At one point I got the feeling that there might have been some feelings from her part too because for a while, she was having a rough time with her girlfriend and ended up going to a therapist. Well, she would tell me all about her therapy sessions and said that instead of spending the time there talking about her girlfriend, she would talk about me and the things we did and how much fun we had together. She said the therapist pointed this out to her and asked her why she thought she was doing this. She never told me if she ever figured this out or not. She would also joke around with me and tell me that she thought I was in love with her. Obviously she picked up on this. My mistake, my BIG mistake, was that I denied it when she joked about it. I felt embarassed about my feelings since she was still adamant that she was 100% gay and could never be with a man, so, I told her she was imagining things.

 

Anyway, after the first 3 years we had a falling out for business reasons and basically stopped speaking to each other. She moved to another state and I didn't hear from her for a couple of years. Fast forward to 3 years ago...we started talking again and ended up going on vacation together a couple of times. I figured things were back to normal and even though I still had feelings for her, I was able to keep them under control knowing that she could never be with a man.......little did I know.

 

A year ago I spent the holidays with her and she convinced me to move in with her as roommates and pick up where we left off businesswise. I agreed and thought I'd be ok. Mistake number 2. Well, my feelings for her came back in a big way and stronger than ever. I still kept them to myself thinking that she could never, would never, and had never been with a man since I had known her. As much as I felt for her, I was happy just being the best friend I could be to her.

 

Well, about 3 weeks ago we're talking and she very casually drops what was to me a bombshell. A few months after our falling out and her moving to another state, she had a bad breakup with a girlfriend and says she was so traumatized by it that she ended up in bed with a guy several times and in a relationship with him. I felt like someone had dunked me in a tub of ice cold water. Shocked, betrayed, slighted, misled, and a whole bunch of other feelings I can't even describe. As difficult as it had been, I had kept my feelings for her to myself because she had told me that this would have been completely impossible!!! The first thought that came into my head when she told me was "that was supposed to be me!!!". I haven't been able to get this out of my head, not to mention images of her being with this guy that wake me up in the middle of the night.

 

Had she told me that there was a small part of her that could be with men, I would have approached things with her much differently. I feel like I never even got a chance because she wasn't entirely honest with me.

 

Now I don't know what to do. I feel depressed and very heartbroken. Do I talk to her about this, tell her the effect finding out about this guy she was with has had on me, then tell her how I've felt about her all these years? The advice I've gotten from others so far seems to be that this is the only way I'm going to be able to get over this. My biggest problem is I don't know how to go about telling her. If I don't though, it's going to eat me up inside even though at this point in her life I know there is absolutely no chance of anything happening between us. She's just in a very different place in her life now. So, any ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Do I talk to her about this, tell her the effect finding out about this guy she was with has had on me, then tell her how I've felt about her all these years?

 

2. The advice I've gotten from others so far seems to be that this is the only way I'm going to be able to get over this.

 

3. My biggest problem is I don't know how to go about telling her. If I don't though, it's going to eat me up inside even though at this point in her life I know there is absolutely no chance of anything happening between us.

 

1. You could tell her, but I'm sure she already knows. She has been onto you for years now. There was always some small part of her that could be with men. There was no small part of her that could be with you, though. Therein lies the difference. She was so adamant, because she didn't want you even going in that direction.

 

2. Why do you think telling her will help you get over it? What reaction do you think you are going to get from her? I'm not sure how hearing "I said I couldn't be with men, but what I meant was that I couldn't be with you" is going to help you. Pehaps hearing it though will give you closure. The best way to get over it honestly, is to simply move on with your life without her in it. No more contact with her, period. Your feelings for her aren't going to go away, and her lack of them isn't ever going to change regardless of what you say. There is nothing you could say that she doesn't already know.

 

Being friends with someone that you are secretly in love for is like volunteering your heart for daily breakage. Do you really need a friend in your life, when the defining thing about that friendship is heartbreak?

[useless]

1. You could tell her, but I'm sure she already knows. She has been onto you for years now. There was always some small part of her that could be with men. There was no small part of her that could be with you, though. Therein lies the difference. She was so adamant, because she didn't want you even going in that direction.

 

2. Why do you think telling her will help you get over it? What reaction do you think you are going to get from her? I'm not sure how hearing "I said I couldn't be with men, but what I meant was that I couldn't be with you" is going to help you. Pehaps hearing it though will give you closure. The best way to get over it honestly, is to simply move on with your life without her in it. No more contact with her, period. Your feelings for her aren't going to go away, and her lack of them isn't ever going to change regardless of what you say. There is nothing you could say that she doesn't already know.

 

Being friends with someone that you are secretly in love for is like volunteering your heart for daily breakage. Do you really need a friend in your life, when the defining thing about that friendship is heartbreak?

 

the problem is that we live together and that makes it impossible to get away from the situation.

 

And yes, I'm almost sure she knows, but until I tell her explicitly, all she can do is suspect. It's been 10 years and I just feel like I'm torturing myself by keeping it all inside. I don't know what's going to be accomplished by getting it out in the open but I can't imagine it would be worse than how it is right now. If the friendship ends, well...so much the better. I agree with you that I don't need a friendship in which the defining thing is my heart being broken.

 

Although I do understand your point of view. That's why I haven't talked to her yet. I keep going back and forth as to whether it's a good idea or not.

[magichands]

Had she told me that there was a small part of her that could be with men,

Her vagina, I'm guessing.

Being friends with someone that you are secretly in love for is like volunteering your heart for daily breakage. Do you really need a friend in your life, when the defining thing about that friendship is heartbreak?

You're definitely making pain your friend.

[useless]

Her vagina, I'm guessing.

 

and other parts which I don't even want to think about. lol

 

You're definitely making pain your friend.

 

tell me about it. Now we're living together though and I can't just up and leave.

[whichwayisup]

As difficult as it had been, I had kept my feelings for her to myself because she had told me that this would have been completely impossible!!! The first thought that came into my head when she told me was "that was supposed to be me!!!". I haven't been able to get this out of my head, not to mention images of her being with this guy that wake me up in the middle of the night

 

That guy is the rebound guy - Someone you don't want to be.

 

Look, bottomline here - She's a lesbian. She isn't into the other team LONG term.

 

It's up to you to decide if you can handle a 'friendship' kind of like the Will and Grace thing. Accept it for what it is, love, respect, long term close friendship...Yet, keep your heart open to someone else. By letting yourself feel too much for her you're closing yourself off to someone special.

 

You better come clean and get EVERYTHING out. talk to her!! IF you don't, you will feel confused, hurt and angry for a long time.

[magichands]

You better come clean and get EVERYTHING out.

That seems pretty desperate. I don't care how impressive it is - keep it zippered.

[sb129]

Look, bottomline here - She's a lesbian. She isn't into the other team LONG term.

 

It's up to you to decide if you can handle a 'friendship' kind of like the Will and Grace thing. Accept it for what it is, love, respect, long term close friendship...Yet, keep your heart open to someone else. By letting yourself feel too much for her you're closing yourself off to someone special.

 

You better come clean and get EVERYTHING out. talk to her!! IF you don't, you will feel confused, hurt and angry for a long time.

 

Not sure if thats entirely true... I know three lesbians who have recently "handed in their license" so to speak. Two of them are getting married to men.

 

Useless, you need to tell her, so that you can then deal with the consequences and get on with your life whatever they may be.

Good luck.

[magichands]

Not sure if thats entirely true... I know three lesbians who have recently "handed in their license" so to speak. Two of them are getting married to men.

This is awesome news. I've changed my mind. If it's impressive, then this is the time to show her what you're made of.

[useless]

That guy is the rebound guy

 

oddly enough, that's how she described it. she said the reason she slept with him is that she went through a horrible breakup and was suffering from a rebound effect. That said....read below.

 

Look, bottomline here - She's a lesbian. She isn't into the other team LONG term.

 

if she's at all capable of being with a man, that makes her bi, even if it's just a small part. Rebound effect can make you do some weird things but changing your sexual orientation is not one of them unless that side of you was there to begin with and you just kept it repressed.

 

It's up to you to decide if you can handle a 'friendship' kind of like the Will and Grace thing. Accept it for what it is, love, respect, long term close friendship...Yet, keep your heart open to someone else. By letting yourself feel too much for her you're closing yourself off to someone special.

 

I've always been able to deal with it because I had the knowledge that she could never be with a guy. I knew, and I had even told people this before, that the only thing that could possibly happen that would make me not be able to handle it is if she ended up sleeping with men. Turns out my worst fear has come true and as I suspected, I'm pretty devastated and don't know how to handle it.

 

You better come clean and get EVERYTHING out. talk to her!! IF you don't, you will feel confused, hurt and angry for a long time.

 

Yeah, this seems to be the most commonly recommended course of action. My problem now is that I don't know how to approach her with all of this stuff. I mean, I'm sure she suspects very strongly how I feel about her, but still, bringing it out in the open explicitly including my reaction to finding out about this other guy...I don't know how to tell her. I dont' know the right words to use. Someone suggested that since I communicate much better in writing, perhaps I could write her a letter (not an email), and give it to her and have her read it while I sit there. This way, in writing everything down I could make sure I get the chance to say everything I want to say exactly how I want to say it. If I try to talk to her, it'll come out all jumbled and confused and if she interrupts I won't be able to get it all out. I don't know...what do you think?

[whichwayisup]

Not sure if thats entirely true... I know three lesbians who have recently "handed in their license" so to speak. Two of them are getting married to men.

 

Well, then they weren't true lesbians. They're bi. I could be wrong, but if someone is gay, they're gay - Sooner or later in life sadly, true feelings come out and someone gets hurt.

[sb129]

Well, then they weren't true lesbians. They're bi. I could be wrong, but if someone is gay, they're gay - Sooner or later in life sadly, true feelings come out and someone gets hurt.

 

Yeah, but if Useless's chick is with a man now shes obviously confused...

[whichwayisup]

, perhaps I could write her a letter (not an email), and give it to her and have her read it while I sit there.

 

Yup, do that.

 

You not being the rebound guy just means she thinks MORE of you than just a fvuck, a fling. Which means she respects you and doesn't want to hurt you.

[magichands]

Well, then they weren't true lesbians.

Sometimes one just needs a change.

[useless]

Well, then they weren't true lesbians. They're bi. I could be wrong, but if someone is gay, they're gay - Sooner or later in life sadly, true feelings come out and someone gets hurt.

 

exactly. those lesbians that married men were never lesbians to begin with. They were bi and kept their hetero side repressed. That's what's so frustrating about my situation. She definitely prefers women and says she's repulsed by men and has never even been satisfied by a man in bed, but then she manages to end up sleeping with one after breaking up with a girlfriend. I don't want to sound accusatory by asking her directly "what's up with that", but I really am confused.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, but if Useless's chick is with a man now shes obviously confused...

 

Yes and no. Rebounds are rebounds...She probably needed sex and something different (not a woman) to experience.

[sb129]

Maybe its up to you and your trunk to swing the ladies around?

[magichands]

Yeah, but if Useless's chick is with a man now shes obviously confused...

I think you'll find it's just her vagina that's confused.

[sb129]

Yes and no. Rebounds are rebounds...She probably needed sex and something different (not a woman) to experience.

 

Well I have never slept with a woman on the rebound.. I like men. And that will never change, rebound or not.

[useless]

Yeah, but if Useless's chick is with a man now shes obviously confused...

 

no, she's not with a man now. She's actually single now for over 2 years. her last relationship was with a woman. The man she was with was about 5 or 6 years ago during the time that I had lost touch with her. If she was with a man right now, I'd probably leave the damn country. lol

[magichands]

She probably needed sex and something different (not a woman) to experience.

That works both ways. And I mean both ways, not both ways.

[sb129]

I think you'll find it's just her vagina that's confused.

 

They can decide on their own now?? When did that evolutionary trait start being displayed?

[whichwayisup]

exactly. those lesbians that married men were never lesbians to begin with. They were bi and kept their hetero side repressed. That's what's so frustrating about my situation. She definitely prefers women and says she's repulsed by men and has never even been satisfied by a man in bed, but then she manages to end up sleeping with one after breaking up with a girlfriend. I don't want to sound accusatory by asking her directly "what's up with that", but I really am confused.

 

Remember though, her actions are not about you. She chose to deal with the breakup by screwing a guy. It won't change the fact she's a lesbian and not into men that way.

 

Feelings wise, maybe ALL the feelings are there for you and that is why she didn't allow something physical to happen between the two of you. She doesn't want to lose the friendship.

 

Now, can you handle "just" a friendship? If you can you're gonna have to detach yourself emotionally, enough that you don't "feel" those deep intimate feelings for her. It's real hard and painful to be just friends with someone you're inlove with. Nothing makes sense and you hurt alot. That is where you are now...

 

Put all your thoughts down on paper, read it and see how you feel after getting it all out. Take afew days to make sure it makes sense and reads well, then tell her you two need an afternoon to be alone, so you can give her the letter to read, and talk things out.

[useless]

Well I have never slept with a woman on the rebound.. I like men. And that will never change, rebound or not.

 

That's why I'm saying, there has got to be a side of her that is bi, no matter how small or repressed it is, otherwise sleeping with a man would have been impossible, rebound or not. I've experienced the rebound effect and at no time did it even cross my mind to sleep with a guy.

[sb129]

no, she's not with a man now. She's actually single now for over 2 years. her last relationship was with a woman. The man she was with was about 5 or 6 years ago during the time that I had lost touch with her. If she was with a man right now, I'd probably leave the damn country. lol

 

Oh. Thanks for clarifying that. Hmm. Guess your best bet is to put your cards on the table.

AS they say "shy bairns get nowt"- If you don't ask, you don't get.

Be prepared for the possibility that she might not feel the same way you do tho... sorry useless, but if you know that you can move on and find someone else.