Am I over reacting? or am I right?

[Marielle]

2 days ago I got a very bad lower back problem, (I pulled a muscle) very painfull. My boyfirend (2 yrs) knew about it. Last night he was supposed to come see me at 11 pm after work) I agreed. But at 9 or so I cancelled on him cause the meds started to kick in, I was feeling drowsy. So I called him to let him know, and of course he understood, "have a good rest baby"...

Today I was expecting a call at least in the morning, to see how I was doing, if I m ok...

at 4 pm still no call..So I called him and he answered very normal: Hi baby, how are you? I was so pissed, but didn t tell him, he goes: Sorry I did not call you, I was very busy (he just aquired a small business that keeps him busy)

If he cared about me, couldn t he take 1 min to to check me out? I feel really down becasue of this, it's small, but very big at the same time...

 

Am I being spoiled? I feel like breaking up because of it even though I love him

Any input will be appreciated, good or bad!

 

Please I need different perspectives

[Mythical]

hey,

 

I understand why you would be a lil hurt but don't worry about it!!

Sometimes I get all worked up about things like that but promise you its nothing!!

Im sure he is very busy and he didn't mean a thing bye it. He apologised and was being nice, it is defiently nothing to worry or be upset about

 

Sometimes me and my friends talk about these little thgisn and we have eventually realized some guys just miss that part in their brain that we have that would make us remember to go out of are way even for a sec to see how their doing...its nothing mean on his part lol I PROMISE!!

[Marielle]

Men .....men, it takes them 3 seconds!

 

Thanks for your input, I didn t want to act as a drama queen either, but I felt hurt by it.

 

Of course it s because of other little things build up, but we love each other a lot.

[Walk]

I don't think this is worth destroying your relationship over (assuming there arne't any other massive problems with it). I can understand being hurt, and feeling uncared for. I'd be hurt too... but I think this is one of those times that you have to try to be a little more understanding of your bf's situation too.

 

I think the best thing you could do is talk to him about it. Let him know that you expected him to call and check up on how you were doing, and when he didn't it hurt your feelings. I wouldn't mention you were thinking of breaking up with him over it though... But let him know that you need him to still show you he cares even though he is really busy. That it's important to you, and important to the health of the relationship.

 

On the flip side... If I were in his shoes, I'm not sure I would've called either. You stated the medicine made you drowsy, and you didn't want his company at the time. It's understandable, but he might have been under the impression that you just wanted time to heal and mend without him bugging you. If you had wanted his company you would've asked earlier, but you did the opposite. So theroetically, he may have been under the impression that you just wanted to heal in peace... without him checking up on you. Which would make him wait until you initiated contact so that he would know when you were ready to be with him again. Kind of like waiting on your signal for when he should come back.

 

It'd be best if you talked to him though. Maybe explain what you wanted, and how you interpreted his actions in as non-hostile manner as possible. He might have interpreted what you wanted wrong.

[Marielle]

Very valid point, Walk. It is a possibility.

I just wanted him to give me one of his usual early morning calls: good morning, are you feeling better?

I know it's just a detail, but I n reality it's maybe my insecurities that he does not love me enough.

But I agree men have a different approach...

Any man has some opinions?

[tanbark813]

I agree with Walk. I wouldn't have called you either if I were in his shoes mainly out of not wanting to bother you. It also seems like a pretty stupid thing to end a 2 year relationship over.

[Marielle]

I agree with Walk. I wouldn't have called you either if I were in his shoes mainly out of not wanting to bother you. It also seems like a pretty stupid thing to end a 2 year relationship over.

 

Well, i'm starting to better now, realizing that I was over reacting.

I was looking too much into it.

 

Thanks

[Walk]

Well, i'm starting to better now, realizing that I was over reacting.

I was looking too much into it.

You were saying there were other little things going on though that contributed to the feeling?

 

I guess what I'm saying is, you stated that your bf started a business and he's been really busy lately. And you're feeling a little less than loved lately. I still think you need to talk to him about this. The overall picture, not just this incident... otherwise, every little thing is going to set you off. (I'm saying this because that's how I get at times)

 

Anyway.. maybe you two could find ways for him to still show you he loves you, but that won't interfer with what he has to do to keep his busines going? Maybe express that you need a few extra phone calls, or when you do see each other if he could spend a little more time cuddling or holding your hand or something. Give him something he can specifically do to make you feel better. It'll make him feel good to know he's making you happy, it'll avoid fights over minor things later on, and you'll be happier.

 

It's just a suggestion, but I had to learn the hard way that this is something you gotta do sometimes.

[Sevenmack]

I know the feeling. My lady has taken on several new gigs over the past two months, putting a cramp in our 'us' time. So I had to lay the cards on the table last week and let her know that she can't forget about 'us' while she doing all these things that may benefit 'us' in the long run, but creates distance.

 

There's nothing wrong with demanding more time with him and if he cares for you, he will figure a way to do so. But he can't figure out anything if you tell him nothing and then jump on him for not doing so. This is real life; he can't read your mind and you can't read his. So you have to communicate, even if the discussions are painful and frustrating to boot.

 

Part of this requires something of you: You have to realize that there are going to be times in a relationship when one of you is going to be plenty busy and overloaded. This sometimes means getting your time in with him while letting him have some breathing time. Chances are that he feels overloaded, probably is overloaded -- that's his fault, but still -- and will feel that you're just whining if you don't approach him in a diplomatic manner. And if you were in shoes, chances are you'd feel the same way.

 

But it should work out.

[Star Gazer]

Personally, I think you sound very needy, insecure, and me-me-me. I think you're making a mountain out of mole hill. You actually considered - even for a second - breaking up with him over this? It's one thing to be bummed because you WANTED him to call and he was unable to READ YOUR MIND, but c'mon, be reasonable here.

[Pretty Fly]

I'm a guy and when I read the original post, I couldn't really see any problem at all!!! I completely agree with Walk - you said to him not to come round, so he was waiting for some sign from you as to when you wanted his company again. Plus if he's starting his own business and he's working on that in the day and you're sat at home with a sore back, time will be flying by for him, whereas you're probably clock-watching and so are conscious of every minute he doesn't call. Really no reason to break-up with him at all!

[Poboy]

never expect too much from people ( men or women ) ... it leads to dissapointment in the end.

[littlekitty]

Over reaction most definately!!

 

Mythical has a good point that men think differently. But in this case he apologised that he hadn't had time to call you. What more do you want? Begging for forgiveness?

 

It does seem a little needy and insecure...

[Walk]

Personally, I think you sound very needy, insecure, and me-me-me. I think you're making a mountain out of mole hill.

 

This would be true if their relationship has been the same as it normally was... but she said "he just aquired a small business that keeps him busy". Anything that changes the normal routines of a relationship will tend to cause at least some amount of insecurity and resentment. If he's been more preocupied lately, less time for her, and this is another factor in line of factors, then it won't matter how "selfish" it might be deemed - she's STILL going to feel some resentment and insecurity over it. It's human nature. She can berrate herself all she wants, and it won't change the underlying feeling. Instead, it'll just dig down and lodge into her subconcious and cause outbursts at inappropriate moments.

 

Some people push these negative feelings away because they think they're being selfish. It blocks people from their emotions, shuts them off emotionally. It's not the feeling that is the big problem, it's how a person deals with it. Use it to create a better relationship, and the feelings are a positive excelerant to a better future. Ignore them and berate yourself for feeling that way, and people end up breaking up, cheating, arguing constantly over stupid things.

 

The feeling itself isn't inheriently wrong. It's how you deal with those feelings that determines what type of person you are.

[littlekitty]

This would be true if their relationship has been the same as it normally was... but she said "he just aquired a small business that keeps him busy". Anything that changes the normal routines of a relationship will tend to cause at least some amount of insecurity and resentment. If he's been more preocupied lately, less time for her, and this is another factor in line of factors, then it won't matter how "selfish" it might be deemed - she's STILL going to feel some resentment and insecurity over it. It's human nature. She can berrate herself all she wants, and it won't change the underlying feeling. Instead, it'll just dig down and lodge into her subconcious and cause outbursts at inappropriate moments.

 

Some people push these negative feelings away because they think they're being selfish. It blocks people from their emotions, shuts them off emotionally. It's not the feeling that is the big problem, it's how a person deals with it. Use it to create a better relationship, and the feelings are a positive excelerant to a better future. Ignore them and berate yourself for feeling that way, and people end up breaking up, cheating, arguing constantly over stupid things.

 

You make some good points. But also shouldn't she try to take into consideration that the normal routine has changed, that he is more busy with something very important, and try to make allowances for that? Wouldn't that be what you try to do for the person you love? To understand that and make allowances where necessary?

 

The feeling itself isn't inheriently wrong. It's how you deal with those feelings that determines what type of person you are.

 

Agree 100%. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that, I guess we all have those over reacting feelings at time. But had she actually broken up with him over it... well that would have just been stupid and immature.

[erika2610]

Men .....men, it takes them 3 seconds!

 

Thanks for your input, I didn t want to act as a drama queen either, but I felt hurt by it.

 

Of course it s because of other little things build up, but we love each other a lot.

 

 

Weren't you recently talking about going or wanting to go NC with him?

[littlekitty]

Being married, and with a new business, one can imagine how he might not have had the time...

[erika2610]

Being married, and with a new business, one can imagine how he might not have had the time...

 

Guess I didn't have to worry about bringing it up.

[littlekitty]

Guess I didn't have to worry about bringing it up.

 

Ehhh I'm just a bitch I guess!!

[Walk]

You make some good points. But also shouldn't she try to take into consideration that the normal routine has changed, that he is more busy with something very important, and try to make allowances for that? Wouldn't that be what you try to do for the person you love? To understand that and make allowances where necessary?

 

I totally agree. But it's also important to make sure that if you aren't getting what you need, that you figure out some good comprimises so that both of the people can get what they need. He needs more time for the business, she needs him to give a little more reassurance that he still wants her in his life. In my opinion, there's an easy comprimise.. set up one evening a week (7pm on saturday evening or something) in which it's devoted solely to having fun and being together. Or maybe even simplier would be for her to ask him out loud specifically for him to cuddle with her on occasions where she feels she needs more attention from him.

 

If she doesn't do anything except to be more "understanding" she'll feel like a martyr. Giving more while getting less. He's going to take more time away from her and the relationship, while she "gives" him more patience, more understanding, and more time for himself. Her bf is working on this business for himself, and as a "potential" benefit for whoever he has in his life in the future. She has no promise of a future with him. In fact, he's spending less time with her, less attention, and more distant from her due to other things on his mind. This also causes her to doubt their future together. And if there is no future benefit to giving him more NOW, then she's going to feel like she's giving without getting in return. Which causes resentment.

[Spinderella]

you know the reasons that you feel undervalued in this relationship. because of the bigger picture you analyse the details. it is not healthy and you know it.

[Walk]

:mad: Why didn' tyou guy's say that in the first place?!?!

 

Nevermind my previous post. Disregard.

 

THe bigger picture is he's married and you AREN"T going to get what you want as long you stay with him.

 

Of course it s because of other little things build up, but we love each other a lot.

 

I don't even know what to say... THat was underhanded and sneaky Marielle. You should've stated that he's your MM up front. Not made it seem like you were both fighting for a future together and some small things were getting miscommunicated. You are short-sighted and narrow minded. YOU HAVE NO FUTURE with him. YOU are NOT his priority in life. Either accept it, or find someone who can make you numero uno in their life.

 

Your "relationship" is doomed no matter what you do. Talk, don't talk.. doesn't matter.

[Pretty Fly]

Her bf is working on this business for himself, and as a "potential" benefit for whoever he has in his life in the future. She has no promise of a future with him. In fact, he's spending less time with her, less attention, and more distant from her due to other things on his mind. This also causes her to doubt their future together. And if there is no future benefit to giving him more NOW, then she's going to feel like she's giving without getting in return. Which causes resentment.

 

Sounds like this guy is fulfilling his ambition to have his own business because it's something he wants to do and he's driven to make himself a better person through doing it. He's not necessarily doing it so it can be a benefit to his partner in the future, he's doing it because the act of overcoming the challenge drives him. If she is only supporting him because she sees a potential benefit to her in the future, then I suggest a re-think. The benefit should be that her man is happy fulfilling his ambitions and she is there for him - and him for her in her fulfilling her ambitions. As they say, behind every great man is a great woman.

[Pretty Fly]

Oh, he's married to somebody else? Nevermind what I said above then too!

[littlekitty]

I totally agree. But it's also important to make sure that if you aren't getting what you need, that you figure out some good comprimises so that both of the people can get what they need. He needs more time for the business, she needs him to give a little more reassurance that he still wants her in his life. In my opinion, there's an easy comprimise.. set up one evening a week (7pm on saturday evening or something) in which it's devoted solely to having fun and being together. Or maybe even simplier would be for her to ask him out loud specifically for him to cuddle with her on occasions where she feels she needs more attention from him.

 

If she doesn't do anything except to be more "understanding" she'll feel like a martyr. Giving more while getting less. He's going to take more time away from her and the relationship, while she "gives" him more patience, more understanding, and more time for himself. Her bf is working on this business for himself, and as a "potential" benefit for whoever he has in his life in the future. She has no promise of a future with him. In fact, he's spending less time with her, less attention, and more distant from her due to other things on his mind. This also causes her to doubt their future together. And if there is no future benefit to giving him more NOW, then she's going to feel like she's giving without getting in return. Which causes resentment.

 

Insightful as ever Walk. You always give me food for thought, and I like that! Had the situation in the OP's post been sincere and truthful, you'd have made some great points! It's a shame she mislead us...