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It doesn't seem very real anymore...


princesssockhead

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princesssockhead

Hi everyone! Thanks for taking time out of this busy weekend to read my post and hopefully interject some of your thoughts or advice. I still consider myself a newb to Loveshack but have been posting and reading the past few months. Things have been pretty hard these past few months for me as well as my significant other. Our relationship hasn't ever been this rocky or dysfunctional in the 4 years we've been together. We have lived together for about 3.5 years.

 

This is probably going to run long because I've been doing so much analyzing and introspection. I really do appreciate that I can communicate these feelings in such a safe harbor.

 

I am 22 and he is 27 and like I said we've been a couple *officially* 4 years on New Years Eve of this year. We casually dated for about 3 months before getting serious. In those 3 months of casual dating - I was still getting out of a 3 year relationship with my cheating/abusive ex. I admit that I tend toward monogemous relationships but I have had my share of casual and short relationships. I have been having romantic relationships since I was 12 1/2 years old, too young I know and out of my 3 serious relationships two of them have been abusive (1st: sexually/verbal, 2nd: verbal/cheating). My current relationship has been the healthiest by far but is starting to show signs of abuse but I'm not the victim this time, he is. For the past 5 months or so I have been highly paranoid of infidelity. I have asked him over and over again if that is something I should worry about and he has assured me that he hasn't been and doesn't want to be unfaithful. He feels as though I am projecting that paranoia from my relationship with my ex. He now will not let me ever ask that question again and it is what started a really low dip in our communication. I feel psychotic sometimes because I read into his body language, mannerisms, and I feel like I creative/convince myself that he is cheating by doing that. Lately, we can't even discuss or communicate about every day topics like bills or Christmas plans. For example, the other night he was acting avoidant, unaffectionate, and generally depressed while we were watching TV so I asked him what was up, what he was thinking. He told me that he was fed up with the stress from the holidays and work but that he was also annoyed by how I hadn't communicated to him that the bills needed to be paid and when he checked them he found that we had a disconnect notice for the cable. He seemed very distant in explaining this to me - it took me a couple tries of asking him what was wrong for him to come out and say this. Then what do I do? I get defensive because I supported us a year ago for nearly 2 years and had to constantly worry/be in charge of the bills. So I got rather reactive and my voice became more energetic and it turned into a big ol' fight. I feel like right now we are on two seperate highways and when we come together to communicate that we speed by each other so quickly that we can't even see each other.

 

The other thing that is really bothering me is his avoidance. I can admit to my problems and am ashamed for the pain that I have been causing him. I am trying to look into myself and my practices to see what can be done to make life easier for me and him. I know I need to change my behavior, I know I need to get over my trust issues, I know I need to strengthen my self-esteem and independence. But it's hard when the other person in the relationship doesn't see that they are having issues too and that it's causing their love pain as well. I feel like I have no support on this journey that I am embarking on because he is so detached and avoidant right now. He changed jobs earlier this year in October and started to work from home again as a contract web developer - though he was with a company this time and making much better company then when he was doing it on his own. He bought a laptop to work at home with and to be able to take on-site sometimes so he could have meetings with the staff and get the personal interaction. I have been proud of him (and told him so) that he has been able to do what he really wants to be doing and getting paid well for it. However, in the last month he has started to go to bed at 10am or later in the morning and sleep until 7/8pm or even later, he hasn't been working from what I can see ('course I'm asleep at normal people hours) and he put off picking up his paycheck until mid-month this past month so I wound up having to support us on my pay for several weeks. He also plays computer games for hours upon hours when we are together usually watching tv. It is making me scared for what our future could be like. I realize I may have pushed him too far with emotions and clinginess but every one has a choice on what to do with that. I don't quit going to work, socializing with my family and friends when I get depressed; I guess instead I yell and interrogate.

 

I obviously have a lot of guilt about what I've done to this relationship and to my boy. I'm trying to not harbor that guilt like I do so easily but instead pour it into physical, creative outlets. I am finding that just as I have had resentment towards him about his lack of career, he has resentment built up about my instability. In some of my research I've been coming across traits of borderline personality disorder and avoidance personality disorder that I think we both have. It is also where I came to the conclusion that I am verbally/mentally abusing him in some ways. Plus he's told me so. I'm at this line where I don't know which direction to go in. Should I break up with him in order to save him so he doesn't go into an even deeper depression? Should he break up with me because of how much I've hurt him? Can we repair these issues and maybe seek some couples counseling to overcome this? I know these are all rhetorical questions and it's my job to find out from me and him what will work best for us. He told me the other night after fighting that he doesn't know why he doesn't break up with me and I couldn't really tell you either why. I do know that we are both fiercly loyal people, have planned on marriage/raising kids together and have integrated our families together so we have A LOT invested this relationship. There are still parts about us that are so loving and healthy and yet there are some things that are very sad and dark. We both keep coming back to the point that even on a cost vs. benefits scale, the benefits outweigh the bad. We have hope for each other to change and for this relationship to get better.

 

I hope this is isn't too garbled and hard to follow - I really just let things spill out. Thanks again for sharing this with me that's all I ask for.

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SincereOnlineGuy

OK, at best you were 18 and he was 23 when you became a serious couple. And I have a sense that if pressed you would admit that the numbers are even more damning.

 

All of this other stuff is just symptomatic of the underlying trap that was your falling for this older guy.

 

Your sexual history is consistent with that of someone whose instincts for significant others is simply destined to get her into trouble.

 

The correct answer is:

 

You should break up with him because he is incredibly insecure and is altogether incapable of being the genuine partner you deserve.

 

The sooner you rid yourself of this lout, the sooner you can avail yourself of the great guy in your future.

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I am really sorry to hear all this. I recommend either getting couple counselling or reading something like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. I've read it and I'd love to explain everything in it to you since it totally deals with all the issues you've explained but it would take forever.

I would recommend not trying to force your boyfriend to read it, because that might push him away further, but you read it through first. Take notes & discuss it with friends. It is a bit corny but once you get past that it gives great advice.

 

If you don't end up reading it here's some summarized advice I can give on him being distant/ avoidant:

Right now he needs acceptance, appreciation, & love from you. He feels like he's not satisfying you anymore & so he's separating himself from you. I know you're not stable but you need to try your best to hold back all your resentment & interrogative thoughts. He loves you. He's been with you faithfully for four years. He is not going to give that up for any other woman.

You interrogating him with questions> shows him that you don't trust him (even if you do). You're communicating to him that you don't. In showing a lack of trust you are making him feel unappreciated. His four years of faithfulness is not being appreciated & he does not feel accepted. Tell him "thank you" for little things. Thank you for takign out the garbage. Thank you for blah blah blah. Little thank you's first.

Your instability is unattractive to him. This is also driving him away. He does not want to take care of you. He wants to love you & give to you, but not take care of you. You need to pull it together if you want to stay with him & show him how stable you can be. I would first suggest getting rid of your resentment & interrogations so he sees the change. It's in a man's nature to give. When he feels appreciated he wants to give. He'll want to do things for you. He'll want to remember to pay the bills so you don't have to. Right now he isn't giving you anything because he doesn't feel accepted< Why doesn't he feel accepted? Because you aren't showing him that you trust him.

Your issues with previous abuse in relationships is significant. I suggest seeing a councelor, even just for a little while, about this on your own. Don't drag him into it, especially not right now.

Here's another thing from that wonderful book: it says men are like rubber bands. They distance themselves from the relationship to feel independent & secure. After they've done this (without being disturbed), they come back & act more loving. This happens over & over & they just get closer & closer. When they distance themselves, the book calls it, they go into their "caves". They do this even on a daily basis just to solve their problems. This includes watching t.v., hanging out with the guys, playing video games, anything to get their minds off their problems so they can get back to focus, alone, on their problems.

Your boyfriend is playing videogames. You feel neglected. He's totally cut off from you because he's in his "cave" solving his problems. You tell him how you feel & he doesn't respond the way you need/ want him to. We're not supposed to "disturb their cave" because this will just result in them distancing themselves from us even more & for a longer amount of time.

 

I think you may have pushed him far enough now that he is considering ending things. But then again you need to have your needs in the relationship met as well. I believe women are much more aware & a little more controlling in the relationship. So, when my bf & I got to the breaking point I changed things first & he followed soon after (though he refused to read the book, I still gave him advice from it, of course not telling him where it came from). You need to take the incentive & change the way you treat him first. Things may take a while to heal & you will get fed up with being the only one working on it. I definitely can't tell you how long you will have to wait until he's ready to start meeting your needs in the relationship but you will know when the time comes.

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princesssockhead

Brickaney, you gave me a lot of advice to work with. Thank you! I especially like the cave example because it really is something that all guys do especially intelligent, focused one's. Even out of all this chaos and disruption that has happend in the last few months - I think we are both learning better ways to love each other and ourselves. I have made a big effort to extend myself into social circles for added support, register to go back to school, and I have spent innumberable minutes working through my thoughts. The extra confidence boost is enough of a wake-up call that I now feel like I can tackle these really ugly problems from my past as well as assert myself to my current boy. I have been in and out of therapy through a lot of my teen & adult life but I know that it's something that I need to return to doing so that I don't further burden or stress my man out with my issues. I thought that the couples counseling might be good so he could get some help with his issues because he isn't apt to go to individual therapy on his own. I will not be questioning his trust any longer and I've decided that in order to deal with my emotional outbursts when I feel like I am being criticized that I will ask for a moment alone to gather my thoughts better. The thing is that I am more inclined to share praise with him towards the little things - my parents raised me in this way. But it does make sense that I've kind of chipped away at his ego/feeling appreciated by being distrusting. I'm just hopeful that we haven't experienced too much negativity in our relationship that this could mean the end of it. We've gotten through a lot of really tough stuff in the past though and pretty much managed to come out of it stronger and more appreciative of life and each other. Thanks again for the advice and peace to you these holidays. :)

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