Jump to content

bizarre communication problem


justagirliegirl

Recommended Posts

justagirliegirl

I must say I'm stumped at this problem so hopefully some folks here can offer me some wise insight.

 

My bf and I have been together for 2 years.

 

I have found that I am unable to bring up any issues with him. There are some long standing issues I want to talk about and try to resolve and the longer it goes unaddressed the more resentment builds up.

 

I noticed a pattern to it too.

 

It goes like this. I take some time to think about what I want to say and try to make it the right time to say it. Then I start the talk and bring up the issue. Most of the time he just gets angry at me for even bringing anything up. He tells me it stresses him out and then he turns it back on me saying there is something wrong with me! Then he just gives me the silent treatment.

 

So in a sense he is just shutting the door in my face whenever I have any issue at all. He doesn't address the issue or answer my question and then he gets mad and blows me off. Each time it happens it takes me longer to bring up any issues as I am afraid of his reaction and I get more resentful towards him.

 

The first couple of times it happened, I tried to explain myself and over explain myself and *I* was the one apologized! Why I was apologizing, I have no idea as I didn't do anything to him!

 

So he got all mad at me yesterday when I asked him why he was telling me he was going to do something when he really wasn't going to do it and he blew up and implied I had a split personality and then just cut me off. I haven't heard from him since then which was yesterday.

 

So how do I handle this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you haven't heard from him, it sounds like maybe he already handled it? But, more importantly, why are you even concerned? He obviously isn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels

To the OP:

 

He sounds imature. More so, he has a "superiority complex", characterized by his inability to accept criticism. This will take time to grow out of.... However, as long as he believes that he doesn't have to accept responsibility for his actions, he will continue to take you for ganted and will refuse to hear you out.

 

If I were you, I'd leave him. If he really cares about you, he'll come begging. Then, you can list the things that you want him to work on. (But even so, there's no guarantee that he will carry through with his promises and for how long.)

 

There is no cure for these types of personalities. They feel entitled to behave like a brat. Everyone else are secondary to him!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel for you... Appears our bf are similar in nature, if you read any of my post you will see maybe some similarities... It doesn't get better, you can't help him, only he can help himself... Have you heard from him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
justagirliegirl
I feel for you... Appears our bf are similar in nature, if you read any of my post you will see maybe some similarities... It doesn't get better, you can't help him, only he can help himself... Have you heard from him?

 

I'm going to go read your posts.

 

No, I haven't heard from him but it has only been 24 hours.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm going to go read your posts.

 

No, I haven't heard from him but it has only been 24 hours.

 

Let me know if find any simlarities...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
justagirliegirl
Let me know if find any simlarities...

 

I read through your posts and it does sound similar. I saw he has disappeared on you or refused to talk to you for weeks at a time. What was the longest he wouldn't talk to you for?

 

I read some posts from Returning asking if your guy was a cancer and mine is. I wonder what he meant?

 

I also read where someone said the twisting it around to make you feel guilty/crazy is one of the oldest tricks in the book and for some reason that made me feel better. Like you I wanted so badly just to sms him and make things right again but after reading all that, I'm not going to do it. It is up to him to makes things right.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I read through your posts and it does sound similar. I saw he has disappeared on you or refused to talk to you for weeks at a time. What was the longest he wouldn't talk to you for?

 

I read some posts from Returning asking if your guy was a cancer and mine is. I wonder what he meant?

 

I also read where someone said the twisting it around to make you feel guilty/crazy is one of the oldest tricks in the book and for some reason that made me feel better. Like you I wanted so badly just to sms him and make things right again but after reading all that, I'm not going to do it. It is up to him to makes things right.

 

I believe it was almost 4 weeks... Mine was not a cancer but astrology is what I believe returning was getting at. Did you also note the Narrcisstic Personality Disorder that returning mentioned?

 

Don't do it, I have..... I still want to but I won't... I did make the mistake on thanksgiving of sms him saying Happy Thanksgiving and I shouldn't have done that... Funny, I always want to make things right but I can't always be the one to make it right... It makes one resentful... My thought use to be someone has to be the mature one but it doesn't always have to us... What similarities did you note?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
justagirliegirl

I read up on NPD and it isn't that.

 

I see similar in that he tries to completely avoid any conflict and I feel like I'm afraid to talk to him about anything or ask him to do anything.

 

4 weeks is a long time and I don't think I could forgive being blown off for that long. Did he ever give you a legit reason for not speaking to you for that long? It almost seems like a punishment just to get you to be quiet.

 

The longest he ever blew me off was a week. The thing is there wasn't even an argument or anything. We were talking fine one day and next thing I know, I don't hear from him for a week. I messaged him and emailed him a few times and nothing. I stopped as it felt like I was talking to myself. Finally when I said something he made the excuse of he was just busy. Nobody is that busy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I read up on NPD and it isn't that.

 

I see similar in that he tries to completely avoid any conflict and I feel like I'm afraid to talk to him about anything or ask him to do anything.

 

4 weeks is a long time and I don't think I could forgive being blown off for that long. Did he ever give you a legit reason for not speaking to you for that long? It almost seems like a punishment just to get you to be quiet.

 

The longest he ever blew me off was a week. The thing is there wasn't even an argument or anything. We were talking fine one day and next thing I know, I don't hear from him for a week. I messaged him and emailed him a few times and nothing. I stopped as it felt like I was talking to myself. Finally when I said something he made the excuse of he was just busy. Nobody is that busy.

 

Yes, his reasons were he was too busy with work etc... and you are correct no one is that busy, if I did that to him and I asked him that question, he said he would tell to get lost... but he was sorry and wouldn't do that again and guess what he did....

 

Tell me more about him if you can.... ????

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
justagirliegirl
Yes, his reasons were he was too busy with work etc... and you are correct no one is that busy, if I did that to him and I asked him that question, he said he would tell to get lost... but he was sorry and wouldn't do that again and guess what he did....

 

Tell me more about him if you can.... ????

 

So his excuse for not contacting you for a month was he was busy? What bs!

 

Have you heard from him at all? If you do what are you planning to do?

 

I'm not sure what else to tell about my situation. It just seems that I set the tone for him continuing to do this after I was the one who made things right before.

 

So far I haven't tried to contact him at all and he still hasn't tried to contact me.

 

I am not sure how to handle this. I just waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't after a set amount of time, I will just consider the relationship over and try to move on. If he does and I think he will, I may just tell him I don't want to talk to him right now that I am angry and need some space. Another thought is just calling him out on his bs. Just tell him the silent treatment is immature and not any way to communicate in any relationship and I'm not putting up with it. Any way about it, I don't plan on jumping the second he decides to contact me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So his excuse for not contacting you for a month was he was busy? What bs!

 

Have you heard from him at all? If you do what are you planning to do?

 

I'm not sure what else to tell about my situation. It just seems that I set the tone for him continuing to do this after I was the one who made things right before.

 

So far I haven't tried to contact him at all and he still hasn't tried to contact me.

 

I am not sure how to handle this. I just waiting for him to contact me. If he doesn't after a set amount of time, I will just consider the relationship over and try to move on. If he does and I think he will, I may just tell him I don't want to talk to him right now that I am angry and need some space. Another thought is just calling him out on his bs. Just tell him the silent treatment is immature and not any way to communicate in any relationship and I'm not putting up with it. Any way about it, I don't plan on jumping the second he decides to contact me.

 

There have been various reasons -- once it was he was all freaked out because we talked about the future, once it was because he freaked out about his promotion.

 

I have not heard from him, I am not sure if you read my most recent thread but we got into an argurment of sorts or he did and told me FU** YOU and hung up. Haven't talked since, although I did try to contact him the day after that happened and I did send him a text on Thanksgiving just saying Happy Thanksgiving to which he replied with Thanks..U2.

 

Yes, the silent treatment is immature and is a way of controlling you, I have had talks with him about this and he says he makes effort not to do this and I had thought it was getting better but then it went back to the same. I think he justifies it in his own mind and blames me, I make him do it which IS BS, take responsibility for your actions, it shows no respect for me and I said as much to him one time. All I can say is don't call him.. If you want to call him out on this BS, do so in a non threating tone and calmly.

 

It's weird because even as I sit writing this I want to call or text him because sometimes I think to myself he is so stubbrn but that doesn't matter, what he did was wrong and it's evident to me that he doesn't want me and if he is that stubborn that he lets his pride get in the way, then that's his problem... :mad:

Link to post
Share on other sites
I read up on NPD and it isn't that.

 

I see similar in that he tries to completely avoid any conflict and I feel like I'm afraid to talk to him about anything or ask him to do anything.

 

4 weeks is a long time and I don't think I could forgive being blown off for that long. Did he ever give you a legit reason for not speaking to you for that long? It almost seems like a punishment just to get you to be quiet.

 

The longest he ever blew me off was a week. The thing is there wasn't even an argument or anything. We were talking fine one day and next thing I know, I don't hear from him for a week. I messaged him and emailed him a few times and nothing. I stopped as it felt like I was talking to myself. Finally when I said something he made the excuse of he was just busy. Nobody is that busy.

THere is a serious problem here and you can undo it. But you have to fully understand what happens so you can avoid it each time. People get into communication "patterns" where they repeat the same triggers & responses.

 

You need to understand that you contribute to his behavior as does he. So what are you doing to cause him to react this way? Without seeing/observing/talking to you I can't venure a guess but you can work on that. I am a firm believer in the idea that people can change any behavior they want (for the most part) if the right path is taken.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
justagirliegirl
THere is a serious problem here and you can undo it. But you have to fully understand what happens so you can avoid it each time. People get into communication "patterns" where they repeat the same triggers & responses.

 

You need to understand that you contribute to his behavior as does he. So what are you doing to cause him to react this way? Without seeing/observing/talking to you I can't venure a guess but you can work on that. I am a firm believer in the idea that people can change any behavior they want (for the most part) if the right path is taken.

 

What is your guess? What are your suggestions?

 

My guess is that I haven't really spoke up for myself from the beginning.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I read some posts from Returning asking if your guy was a cancer and mine is. I wonder what he meant?

 

That is quite odd, as mine is a cancer as well, and this exactly how he behaves. Blows off my issues, turns it around on me telling me I need help after I caught him in lie after bloody lie, defensive, shuts down, ignores me for no reason....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
justagirliegirl

I haven't posted any more on this thread as since I wrote, the bf and I have been getting along beautifully.

 

until today...

 

For no reason whatsoever he is back to not replying to my texts for hours and 1-2 word responses so after sending him 2 texts, I just stopped.

 

After posting the first time, I realized I hadn't hardly called him on the phone in months. We really aren't phone people but I thought maybe I should make more of an effort to call. So I called him 3 times I think in the past 3 weeks and we talked and had fun for over an hour each time.

 

I don't know what to make of his moods.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well- The situation from before is not appropriate. If you have been with a guy 2 years and then he thinks it's ok to disappear for a few days or a week...nope! I cant imagine my bf (who is a cancer as well) doing something like that. A man faces his issues no matter what they may be. Even if they need a day to think, they cant just run away.

 

I would let him know that kind of behavior isnt going to fly in any relationship you are in.

 

And about the new occurance, i think this is the perfect time to discuss what his issue is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...