Were my words too harsh?

[GuestConfused]

I have been dating a girl for 4 months. Our relationship is marginal at best (but she seems to like me) and centers around her time and bi-polaresqe feelings. We were both gone for a good part of the past 4 weeks so I have only seen her once. We had plans to get together a couple times but she cancelled once and I didn't make much effort to reschedule due to constraints and frustration.

 

She begged to see me so we went out the other night (her idea). I casually (and half-jokingly) mentioned that I was about to walk because of her cancellations and apparent lack of respect for my time. When her and I have plans, I make sure to honor them. She seems willing to cancel plans with me based on the moon cycle, like she is ill or just doesn't feel like doing anything. As an example, I invited her to go out with my buddies. She accepted then on the event said she couldn't come. (no surprise and thankfully I had another date lined up who happened to be more fun!!). Then she called a couple times and wanted to find out if I was having fun, talking to women, asking all kinds of silly questions.....

 

Back to this weekend. She seemed a little surprised and maybe thrown off that I would be willing to walk away from this kind of behavior. The truth is she doesn't see it as a problem - she does the same thing with her family and friends too so it's not just me and she has lost some friendships over it.

 

Should I have been a little nicer? I feel bad if I hurt her feelings because I do really care about her but I wanted her to know how I stood on the issue. I am extremely flexible but it's important to have boundaries than should not be crossed. Maybe we have a communications issue and she doens't think I like her (which I do). Ladies, appreciate thoughts on how to make it clear.

[norajane]

I think you were being honest, and there's nothing wrong with that. Now she knows she can't keep blowing you off and flaking out on plans and expect you to hang around waiting for her.

 

Ask her out again - she'll know you like her if you do that. If she makes it to the date, great. Keep asking her out as long as she shows up. If she flakes, then it's time to say goodbye.

[dropdeadlegs]

I probably would have reacted the same way as you did. I don't like last minute cancellations but understand when something truly out of one's control happens. Mentioning this casually and half-jokingly gave her an opportunity to explain things if there was some reason for her behavior, but it doesn't sound as if being unreliable is a problem in her mind. Liking someone (caring about their feelings) is great and may be fine for a dating situation, but in a relationship most people want someone they can depend on.

 

If she doesn't understand that after you have set your boundaries, you can always move on. If you didn't like her, you wouldn't have continued attempting to include her in your plans and life, right?

[moman]

Thanks for the responses. I do like the girl, I probably like her too much and I want to include her in my life. She wants to be in my life from what I gather but is dealing with some issues from the past so I am taking it slow and am trying to be supportive without getting walked over. I felt obligated to finally say something so she doesn't feel that the wishy-washy behavior is acceptable. Not only does it waste my time, it really hurts her cause with me. Her saving grace is that I know she does it to everyone, not just me, plus she has some self-esteem issues and as usual I am too kind and forgiving.

[Spinderella]

I dont think that was too harsh to say, but, you said you had more fun with another date. Is this true? I suppose maybe this girl could do with a little reassurance?

Sometimes if people have mood swings etc, it is really hard to make concrete plans. I know, because I have the same problems. What I do, is tell whoever is inviting me out, to make other plans just in case I cancel. My boyfriend and I discussed this and it seemed like the most workable solution.

I don't know how else to handle this, and although I cannot possibly speak for your girlfriend, she may feel the same way. Perhaps she has got so used to doing things in this way that she didnt realise it might be a problem to some people.

Probably the best thing to do is to speak to her honestly about it. Tell her you like her, but, that you are not happy with this particular situation. Perhaps she will explain it to you, and together you could make some kind of compromise.