Not sure how to work through our problems

[mcrae]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half. I will start by saying that I love him, I think he's amazing, and I want more than anything to work through our problems and be with him. But I’m starting to feel like this isn't working anymore. Mainly because I'm just so unhappy all the time and I'm not sure why.. I've never felt so bad before actually.

 

One of my main problems in our relationship is this - We never talked about our exes (I have one of significance whom I dated for 3 years, but he's totally in the past.. I am 25 and my current boyfriend is 31, by the way) until about 9 months into our relationship. I asked him about his past because of some comments his friends had made about an ex of his. It turns out he dated a girl (his "college sweetheart" if you will) for 6 years, lived with her for a year, intended to marry her etc, and she left him. I now realize that she's the girl in the albums of photos he has (which he never showed me, but I looked at when he wasn't around - albums are for looking at after all!). She's very beautiful and looks very lovely. I think they talk from time to time, but it's over and there isn't a real chance of them getting back together.

 

Basically finding this out completely devastated me. I wonder if he is over her. I have asked him this several times, and he says he is, but I am not sure. Why did he hide something like this from me for so long? He even told me he lived alone in the apt they lived in toghether before this. And he's severed contact with most of the friends they shared, and I can just tell from the way he talks about it that it was a really hard break up for him.

 

Months have passed since I found this out and it bothers me all the time. I think it's the root of all our problems. I wish I never knew about this because our relationship much better before, but now I’m just so unhappy and he can tell (though I doubt he knows why). I just don't want to be with a man if I'm not the love of his life.. I know what true love is, and I want to have it in my life. Nothing else is really wrong. He's good to me, supportive, loving.. I know he loves me, but I can't stand the fact that I might be his second best. I know this is sort of a dysfunctional way to think, but I can't help it for now.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on my situation? Thanks so much.

[Walk]

I don't think it means what you think it means to keep a photo. I still have photo's of my ex's. Not many, just a couple that are tucked away in a storage bin... But these were people who were a part of my past... it's what has made me ME. These are the people that have shaped my experiences, who have helped me to realize what I really want out of life, who I'm really looking for in a partner, and the type of person I want to share the rest of my life with. They helped me realize that the person I am with NOW, is who I want in my life the most. The one I love the most, because he is the man who fulfills all those things the ex's couldn't, or wouldn't fulfill.

 

Your bf's ex left him. I can understand how you might think because he didn't initiate the break that he'd still have feelings for her... but that's not the case here. I can't read his mind, but you can read his actions. He's there with you, for a reason. Think back to all the things he's said or done for you. The gestures of love, the acts of effort to ensure you are happy. The wondering what's wrong because he loves you and cares about your happiness. Even the daily little things we all take for granted... the five minute phone call just to check up, times he's done something for you that you knew he didn't want to do, but he still did it....

 

And trust me, if he thought she was "his true love", then he would be fighting to get her back still... but he's not.. he's fighting to keep the relationship with you. The one he wants.

 

So try to set this aside. it's a photo of a period of his life. The photo I keep of my exh is to remind me of who I was and how much I have changed from the person I was back then. How I've grown and changed.. It signifies a period of time that was painful, but I overcame it. And it reminds me to appreciate my bf because he is a such a great man. But I don't want to erase my past... It's whats made me who I am today. The picture doesn't represent any lingering love, or feelings of want, it's just a small link to a past that reminds me to be thankful and cherish the things I have in my life today.