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i am sooo sooo depressed. me? ?


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hi guys...

 

i'm a 30 yr old girl and am best friends with a 25 yr old bisexual male. he's more into guys though...neither of us are taken.

 

we've been INSEPARABLE for 3 years now. our lives is identical to will and grace (i even have the long curly red hair)!

 

i mean, identical. i watch that show and every episode was like written about us.

 

we talk on the phone about every 10 minutes, see each other almost everyday..people call us an old married couple.

 

i love this boy so much like my brother. he has changed my life for the better and i appreciate him so very much.

 

we've become like one person. we say the same things at the same time, think the same things together, everything.

 

ok. he's a major control freak. and so am i...but i change myself for him because i dont want to lose him as a friend.

 

he has to control everything- who drives, the MUSIC in the car, everything.

 

fine.

 

we got into what i thought was a minor fight last week. i picked him up from a show and he came into my car and touched my ipod to change it. i finally put my foot down and said NO. i told him he is NOT allowed to touch my ipod because i am STRICTLY forbidden to touch his. like he wont' even let me touch it.

 

so when i FINALLY put my foot down, he THREW my ipod at me in the car and was so drunk that he wanted to jump out of my car! we were in traffic, but still ! i had to calm him down and keep him in the car.

 

so we got to my house and he came up because i wasn't about to let him drive home...and he went to my bathroom and called this guy that was down here from seattle that he likes (and that was at the show that night). he told him to come pick him up.

 

i was angry and we were fighting and then he ran down to go with that guy and i stopped him and made them both come upstairs to cool down. i didn't want him going out in the world drunk and especially when we're fighting...i do NOT like to leave things like this.

 

so they came back up to my apt and we hung out for an hour. my bff ignored me pretty much, but then he started talking to me a little bit.

 

we hugged when he left and i said "is everything ok?" he said yes. i just chalked it all up to him being drunk.

 

the next day, he told me he didn't want to talk to me and that he was very very mad at me.

 

i wrote him an email and told him that he's been out of line lately (which he has been) and he's been hurting my feelings by yelling at me in front of guests, doubting everything i say, not giving me enough credit for things and taking me for granted. and he is mad at ME? for WHAT?! for not letting him go out with that guy when he was DRUNK and we were fighting?

 

we haven't spoken in a week.

 

it's a REAL shock to the system when we usually talk almost every second of everyday.

 

today, i had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to his job. he got them, and he thanked me over email, but told me that he's still upset and he needs more time. i asked him if he was phasing me out of his life and he said no, but he needs more time. but i'm sooo insecure.

 

this is the longest we haven't talked and i'm scared to death he's phasing me out. but that's highly unlikely because all our friends are mutual and we are too involved in each others lives. but i'm so insecure that i am crying everynight...is he replacing me?

 

and i hate that *i'm* the one kissing his ass when he's the one who should be apologizing.

 

why am i a doormat? :(

 

i'm scared to death of losing another best friend. my ex best friend (girl) and i broke up after 27+ years of being inseparable...and i'm afraid that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

 

do i have anything to worry about?? i will just die if he doesn't talk to me again. i can't stop crying. he's my other half

 

:( PLEASE give me your input and thank you so much for reading all of this.

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we got into what i thought was a minor fight last week. i picked him up from a show and he came into my car and touched my ipod to change it. i finally put my foot down and said NO. i told him he is NOT allowed to touch my ipod because i am STRICTLY forbidden to touch his. like he wont' even let me touch it.

 

so when i FINALLY put my foot down, he THREW my ipod at me in the car and was so drunk that he wanted to jump out of my car! we were in traffic, but still ! i had to calm him down and keep him in the car.

 

so we got to my house and he came up because i wasn't about to let him drive home...and he went to my bathroom and called this guy that was down here from seattle that he likes (and that was at the show that night). he told him to come pick him up.

 

i was angry and we were fighting and then he ran down to go with that guy and i stopped him and made them both come upstairs to cool down. i didn't want him going out in the world drunk and especially when we're fighting...i do NOT like to leave things like this.

 

so they came back up to my apt and we hung out for an hour. my bff ignored me pretty much, but then he started talking to me a little bit.

 

we hugged when he left and i said "is everything ok?" he said yes. i just chalked it all up to him being drunk.

 

the next day, he told me he didn't want to talk to me and that he was very very mad at me.

 

i wrote him an email and told him that he's been out of line lately (which he has been) and he's been hurting my feelings by yelling at me in front of guests, doubting everything i say, not giving me enough credit for things and taking me for granted. and he is mad at ME? for WHAT?! for not letting him go out with that guy when he was DRUNK and we were fighting?

 

we haven't spoken in a week.

 

it's a REAL shock to the system when we usually talk almost every second of everyday.

 

today, i had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to his job. he got them, and he thanked me over email, but told me that he's still upset and he needs more time. i asked him if he was phasing me out of his life and he said no, but he needs more time. but i'm sooo insecure.

 

this is the longest we haven't talked and i'm scared to death he's phasing me out. but that's highly unlikely because all our friends are mutual and we are too involved in each others lives. but i'm so insecure that i am crying everynight...is he replacing me?

 

and i hate that *i'm* the one kissing his ass when he's the one who should be apologizing.

 

why am i a doormat? :(

 

i'm scared to death of losing another best friend. my ex best friend (girl) and i broke up after 27+ years of being inseparable...and i'm afraid that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

 

do i have anything to worry about?? i will just die if he doesn't talk to me again. i can't stop crying. he's my other half

 

:( PLEASE give me your input and thank you so much for reading all of this.

 

 

 

OK, it was good that you finally put your foot down. It sounds like he's been somewhat controlling and manipulative in the relationship (and even a BFF can be a real pain in the ass sometimes!) and you have had enough.

 

Here's the thing; when you decide to change the dynamic of a relationship (i.e. you no longer allow yourself to be manipulated, or no longer act the way you used to) it creates conflict.

 

You called him on his behavior. He is not used to the game being played this way. Naturally, he is acting out.

 

Most people will try to manipulate (either consciously or unconsciously) the other person back into their former role.

 

They will either be mad or sulky, act hurt or wronged, create distance or whatever. Whatever it takes to get the other person to get back into that comfortable role that allowed them to continue their former behavior.

 

I don't understand why you sent him an apology gift.

 

 

You told him not to touch your ipod and he THREW it at you?

 

 

You're right; he should be apologizing, not you.

 

He knows exactly how to manipulate you. Here you are, begging for him to talk to you and sending him chocolate when he's the one who acted like an ass.

 

 

I know you're worried about him phasing you out, but honestly, I think he needs you just as much as you need him.

 

Sometimes BFF's need time apart from each other. If his behavior has been troubling you (controlling, bitchy) you need to set boundaries and put your foot down, otherwise you will always be taken advantage of.

 

 

I had BFF who was sort of similar, only it was a girl.

 

She was and is a great person, but she had some bad traits.

 

She was late for everything, ALWAYS. She also was very self-centered. For example, whatever drama was going on in her life was the focus of every conversation. I once had a dinner party and she monopolized the entire conversation (4 hours' worth!) talking about herself.

 

I finally called her on it and she was so mad she didn't talk to me for 3 weeks. I honestly thought our friendship was over and I was so sad I didn't know what to do.

 

When we finally talked (I forget who called who) she was able to talk rationally about her behavior. I apologized for my end of things -- one of my faults was holding stuff in for too long, so when it finally came out I was so furious I said hurtful things.

She apologized for her end of it too.

 

Anyway, don't play your BFF's game any longer. He will either come around OR he will seek out another friend who is willing to play the 'being controlled / getting yelled out' game.

 

I would hate to see you lose your BFF but sometimes you do outgrow people. There come times in life when you have to stop putting up with nonsense.

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tearful_soul22

First of all it's great that you have a friend with whom you identify so closely and that's there's a deep connection between you two. Being scared about losing him is perfectly natural but, you have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to his behavior especially when he gets intoxicated. Please don't be a doormat to nobody cause that routine is hard to get rid of once you get too familiar with it. just give him some time to cool down a bit and maybe he will come to his senses. don't assume the worst case scenario until you sit down and discuss these issues bothering you with him. Keep in mind that with a genuine, caring conversation, your relationship will truly deepen..so take that first step and start talking. Good luck to you and take care!

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OK, it was good that you finally put your foot down. It sounds like he's been somewhat controlling and manipulative in the relationship (and even a BFF can be a real pain in the ass sometimes!) and you have had enough.

 

Here's the thing; when you decide to change the dynamic of a relationship (i.e. you no longer allow yourself to be manipulated, or no longer act the way you used to) it creates conflict.

 

You called him on his behavior. He is not used to the game being played this way. Naturally, he is acting out.

 

Most people will try to manipulate (either consciously or unconsciously) the other person back into their former role.

 

They will either be mad or sulky, act hurt or wronged, create distance or whatever. Whatever it takes to get the other person to get back into that comfortable role that allowed them to continue their former behavior.

 

I don't understand why you sent him an apology gift.

 

 

You told him not to touch your ipod and he THREW it at you?

 

 

You're right; he should be apologizing, not you.

 

He knows exactly how to manipulate you. Here you are, begging for him to talk to you and sending him chocolate when he's the one who acted like an ass.

 

 

I know you're worried about him phasing you out, but honestly, I think he needs you just as much as you need him.

 

Sometimes BFF's need time apart from each other. If his behavior has been troubling you (controlling, bitchy) you need to set boundaries and put your foot down, otherwise you will always be taken advantage of.

 

 

I had BFF who was sort of similar, only it was a girl.

 

She was and is a great person, but she had some bad traits.

 

She was late for everything, ALWAYS. She also was very self-centered. For example, whatever drama was going on in her life was the focus of every conversation. I once had a dinner party and she monopolized the entire conversation (4 hours' worth!) talking about herself.

 

I finally called her on it and she was so mad she didn't talk to me for 3 weeks. I honestly thought our friendship was over and I was so sad I didn't know what to do.

 

When we finally talked (I forget who called who) she was able to talk rationally about her behavior. I apologized for my end of things -- one of my faults was holding stuff in for too long, so when it finally came out I was so furious I said hurtful things.

She apologized for her end of it too.

 

Anyway, don't play your BFF's game any longer. He will either come around OR he will seek out another friend who is willing to play the 'being controlled / getting yelled out' game.

 

I would hate to see you lose your BFF but sometimes you do outgrow people. There come times in life when you have to stop putting up with nonsense.

 

Greeeeeeeat Post ! :) I think your guy friend needs some boundaries established. If he can't handle the boundary line then he will just find a new friend that will let him control everything.

 

Like you said , you knew he was controlling , you kept the peace, UNTIL he threw your ipod at you . Drunk or NO Drunk that is ABUSE ! He thinks he can throw an ipod at you , spew hurtful remarks , sulk and play baby for days AND receive CHOCOLATE strawberried for his behavior ?

 

I don't think so.

 

He owes YOU flowers, an apology, some even control in the friendship and RESPECT ! If he cannot give you everything ( minus the flowers ) then he is NOT your friend .

 

I KNOW that you feel scared and sad and lonely that he is distancing himself. Apparently you needed him all along and he tried to control everything. You quietly put up with it UNTIL he threw the ipod.

 

This characertistic of someone who is being abused to some extent. We sometimes allow our friends to do this to us. Because we need our friend or are lonely in some way,.

 

One day we discover they are NOT really the friend we thought they were...

 

Shame on him for doing this.

 

Be strong !

 

He needs to come back with an apology !

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