Wife's friend erupts with criticism of me

[The Unwelcome Guest]

I know this is lengthy, but I'll keep it as short as I can.

 

My wife has been best friends with a man for many years. As part of that friendship, he gives her free drinks at the business he runs with his spouse. When I came into her life, the free drinks were extended to me as well. I think she and I have been responsible about not abusing this privilege. We frequently treat them to dinner by way of maintaining generosity in both directions - and we always leave tips for the employees.

 

Prior to our regular weekend dinner date, this time at their home, my wife's friend - knowing what a finicky eater I am - asked if I liked a certain food. She mistakenly told him yes. Not knowning that until afterwards, when the dish was served, I simply didn't take any.

 

At one point, I left to use the bathroom for a while. I found out later that while I was gone, my wife's friend expressed upset in several directions at once:

 

1. Saying of my lengthy absence, "He's probably watching TV in there." [My social phobia is a matter of dismal record, as he's well aware after knowing me for almost a decade. So his suspicion was not entirely unreasonable.]

 

2. Reporting that his employees "don't know how to respond" to me when I get my free drinks in the mornings. [it's true that I don't make small talk with them - see "social phobia" above. I simply say good morning, place my order, put my tip in the jar, and then wait at a table while drinks are made. Almost everyone there knows the arrangement by now. I haven't needed to mention it to any new employees for many months now - and on those occasions, I'm almost apologetic in bringing it up, encouraging them to check with the older hands if they need confirmation.]

 

3. Complaining that while I'll take their free drinks, I wouldn't even "pretend to like" the food that my wife had mistakenly told them I eat. [Also true. But it's not like I spat a mouthful on the floor and glared at them for offending my taste buds.]

 

Now my wife's friend has been under a lot of pressure lately, so I'd be perfectly willing to shrug this off as a mini-meltdown that isn't really about me. But if I have been in the wrong here, I'd like to know so I can make some kind of apology - since I genuinely like this man.

 

My thoughts:

 

1. To the best of my recollection, neither my wife nor I ever expressed any *expectation* of free drinks. And on the occasions when we've attempted to pay for other things he sells there, he's refused to accept the money. If he no longer feels comfortable - financially or relationshipwise - in the current arrangement, he could certainly tell us. But as my wife will be the first to admit, honest communication isn't his strong suit.

 

For now, we're not going in there for anything - paying or not.

 

2. If he finds me a social retard, he wouldn't be the only one. I'd hoped that after knowing me for so long, he'd made his peace with that. But maybe not. Although I find it hard to believe that his employees find 3 minutes of awkward silence [if it's even that much of an issue for them] hostile working conditions.

 

3. I've said plenty of sincerely complimentary things about his cooking over the years. So even if he thought my silence about this particular dish meant that I hated it, which would be the more appropriate response? Asking me "Is there something wrong with the dish" ? Or bitching about me to my wife as soon as I left the table?

 

Any thoughts are welcome.

[Outcast]

Everybody has an off day every now and then. Sometimes people have themselves been torn to shreds by someone and turn around and do it to someone else. I'd let it pass since he's not done it before and see how he behaves next time you see him.

 

There is one thing that sounded a little wierd - it sounded as though you go to get free drinks every single day? If that's the case, I could see where the guy would feel somewhat used and taken advantage of, particularly if this has been going on a long time.

[SoleMate]

Rather than go point by point dissecting every statement everyone made, why not just a little bit of goodwill and communication all round? As in, "<friend>, I would like to tell you how much my wife and I appreciate your friendship."

 

And please do understand that your social phobia does not relieve you of every social obligation. If you know that you have been awkward or may have seemed cold, you can drop a friendly word to soften things up. It will help a LOT for you to mention that you are trying to overcome your shyness, and ask if they - as friends - could help you.

 

This situation will seem easier if you just assume that everyone involved is doing their best and has positive motivations. It's likely to be true.

[slinkysu]

You should have eaten the food. Unless you have an allergy that would have knocked you down dead, the error was on your wife's behalf and by refusing to touch it you come across as a belligerent teenager.

 

also, whilst i appreciate having a social phobia (i too have serious bouts of this) you say he has known about this for 10 years, but what have you done in the 10 years to overcome this? What efforts have you made to not act awkward in front of them?

 

it's good that you are aware of these actions and what might be causing him some frustrations, but generally if you go round to someone's house and they feed you, you eat it (unless it will literally kill you)