"BFF" not speaking to me

[mintjulep]

A college friend of mine celebrated her birthday yesterday, and it dredged up feelings that I have been trying to push under the surface for over a month now. We graduated in June. She's living in MN right now, while I am setting up shop in MA.

 

On December 11th, I told her that at a Christmas party I had held the night before, one of her best friends from high school and I decided that we wanted to give a relationship a shot. This bothered her for several reasons - one was that we were drunk when this happened, but it didn't change our feelings - we're still together. I am clearly not supposed to be aware of the other reasons, as she has not discussed any of them with me, but there must be more reasons, because she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

The whole thing started back in October, when I told her that I had liked him for a while, and tried to gauge what her reaction was going to be. I was unsure of his feelings for me at the time, because although he admitted to liking me a lot as well, he was reluctant to start a relationship for various reasons; our mutual group of friends being one, and my recent breakup from my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years being another (by recent, I mean four months prior - at the end of June). She told me that she strongly recommended I not date him, insinuating that he would break my heart and she said, verbatim, that she did "not want to lose [me] as a friend."

 

Over the next few months, we discussed this a few times. She seemed to find it a little bit funny, but at the same time, kept warning me that he wasn't likely to want a relationship from anyone, so to be very careful. At one point, I promised I would never ever stop speaking to her if he and I didn't work out. I assumed her fears were based on the fact that another friend of ours went on a few dates with him, but when he stopped calling her, she stopped talking to us. However, I said, "I promise that would never happen," assuming my friend knew that I meant that I would never stop speaking to her, not that I would not pursue her HS friend (who at this point has also been a friend of mine - for a few years now).

 

Well, she told me that "if anything happened," to let her be the first to know. I promised her that if there were any developments, I'd let her know before anyone else.

 

The day after the party, after I called, after she hung up on me, she was livid, though she later claimed she was merely "upset," and that she just didn't give a crap. I told a few of our other friends, and they were scared that this would change the group dynamic, but assured me that if I liked him, then...just to not get them involved if this all fell apart on me. No one seemed to think that this could work. I still don't think they do.

 

I really like this boy, and dare I say think I am falling in love with him. I would be crushed if he left, but to have lost one of my best friends over this seems ridiculous.

 

I miss her an incredible lot, but she has spurned all of my attempts to make nice with her (Christmas card, birthday email, and two unanswered phone calls since Dec 10th). I gave her space. Ignored her and the situation for about three solid weeks.

 

We don't have to see each other until July, at a bachelorette weekend getaway, but it's going to be a horrible situation if I am not getting along with her by then. Another one of our friends has a sister who will also be on this bachelorette whitewater rafting trip - she is friends with some of us, but she hates me. She does love my friend, though - and she's fiercely defensive of her friends. And there's the added bonus that she can be a big bitch with an even bigger mouth when she's angry.

 

There's the more important issue of finding a way to get one of my best friends back, but there's the underlying issue of being scared to attend the bachelorette party and wedding because of this situation, which is unfair to our friend who is getting married, and slightly unfair to me.

 

I know I did "bad" by dating her friend. But he's my friend, too - and I have as much at stake here. I discussed it with her before hand, even though I tiptoed around it and probably could have been more forthcoming. But I didn't hide it, and I tried a million times over to apologize. I also discussed this at length with him before we finally went for it.

 

I'm at my wit's end. I can't bear this any longer, but I'm almost ready to give up and say "screw them all." What should I do?

[morrigan]

Your friend has had some history with this guy--whether she had feelings for him he didn't reciprocate at all, or some emotional/sexual relationship that's been kept hidden. If she refuses to give you the real reason there's little you can do. It's sad to see a friendship mess up over this, but it unfortunately happens.

 

You were honest with your friend about your attraction to this guy. They're not exes so there's no need to feel that you owe her any explanations about who you want to date. Whether or not you end up dating this guy, don't give her the details. If she wants to be mature, she'll be honest about why this is hurting her. If she doesn't want to speak to you, let her know you still care about and want to be her friend, then stop contacting her and leave the ball in her court. Be the better person and try to talk to her in July.

 

As far as your other friends are concerned, keep mum about this whole drama. If anyone attempts to bring it up, tell them there's nothing to discuss.

[mintjulep]

Thanks for the sound advice, morrigan.

Your friend has had some history with this guy--whether she had feelings for him he didn't reciprocate at all, or some emotional/sexual relationship that's been kept hidden.

How funny that you've said this. I have spoken to three people about this situation (who are not involved: my mother, an old HS frind of mine, and another friend that isn't in this group of friends), and two of them said the same thing! I wouldn't have even considered it if three people who don't know each other hadn't said it. When I told the third person, they looked at me as though a lightbulb had turned on somewhere.

 

As far as your other friends are concerned, keep mum about this whole drama. If anyone attempts to bring it up, tell them there's nothing to discuss.

I will do my best to do this. I have already touched upon it with one of our friends, but sorely regret it, since I know we have habits of talking about each other behind backs and closed doors. We're also an extremely judgmental group (one of the reasons I love my friends, yet one of the reasons I'm *terrified* of them ).

 

I suppose I'll just have to let things...sort themselves out.

 

In the meantime, I'm actually having problems with the boy because of this (and only this). I like him so much, but I'm terrified that because of the stress of this drama, I will pull him in close too soon, or push him away (I've been doing a bit of both, although it's mostly in my head. It's a good thing people can't read minds, because of all the crazy up there). How honest should I be with him? We've talked about this, and he seems ok with my taking a time out from my friendship with her, but I'm not to clear on how he feels about all of this (they have been friends since eighth grade or something like that). I know I can't ask him to cut strings (and wouldn't want him to!), but how do I broach the topic and get his advice (or avoid it without looking as though I'm avoiding it) without making him "choose sides"? (Sorry if this seems intuitive - but I'm really stupid when it comes to these things. I would talk to my last boyfriend about what a nutjob his mother was. It was true, but I learned the hard way that these things just don't need to be said aloud.)

[morrigan]

If he brings it up, just be honest that you're upset your mutual friend is angry about this, and that you're going to let it go and let her make up her own mind. It's hard, but don't make a regular topic while you're dating this guy. Don't even ask if/when he he talks to her, because it's not going to make you feel any better. Just enjoy being with him. Hang out with other friends.

 

Again, no one else but your friend can change the way she's reacting to this. If other people want to take sides and be @sses to you, walk away from them and don't get pulled into the bad mouthing. I know it's easier said than done but do you want to be around anyone who keeps holding a grudge about this?