feeling overlooked

[d0nnivain]

I have a dear childhood friend who recently got sober. It's been about 4 months & she is still going to daily AA meetings. I am so proud of her!

 

That said I'm also a bit hurt because after she texted me to tell me the good news about her sobriety, I haven't heard much from her. I didn't want to push. I understand that sometimes you have to distance yourself from old friends because we are triggers.

 

I was willing to be understanding. I invited her to church with me. (We are the same religion & AA involves your higher power). I offered to come over with a casserole. I tried to plan an outing that didn't involve alcohol, doing something we'd never done before -- going to an escape room. She said no graciously & begged off. OK I was trying not to push.

 

I was pretty content because she was responsive when I reached out where as before when she was drinking she would take days to get back to me.

 

But as the weeks passed, I see more & more on social media that she's hanging out with everybody else. Lot's of mutual friends tell me about how much fun they are having with her. Yesterday the BF of one of our mutual friends, told me my friend & her BF are moving. I was hurt to learn that from somebody else.

 

I feel like I'm losing her all over again but I also don't feel like I can talk to her about this because I don't want to do anything to upset the delicate balance of her new found sobriety.

 

I guess I just have to let 45 years of friendship slip away?

[Happy Lemming]

You did your best.

 

I really like the idea of going to church together and the casserole was very sweet, as well. You took great care as not to expose her to a venue with alcohol. I'm wondering if these other friends are doing the same.

 

We can't control the actions of other people and sometimes old friendships end.

 

Maybe send her a card wishing her luck with the move and enjoyment from her new surroundings.

[d0nnivain]

You took great care as not to expose her to a venue with alcohol. I'm wondering if these other friends are doing the same.

 

They aren't. I know she went to 2 parties & will be attending parties the following 2 weekends. Her BF still drinks in front of her. I have seen "check ins" at restaurants with liquor licenses.

 

I know it's petty but I miss my friend & I don't know why I'm on the outside.

 

I will send her a card. Thanks for the suggestion.

[FMW]

Sorry d0nnivain, that's hard.

 

I agree with Happy Lemming, wish her luck with her move. Maybe it will open up another opportunity for you to connect.

[Happy Lemming]

Her sobriety is very fragile and it seems she is choosing friends and venues that will "test" her sobriety.

 

I don't claim to know a lot about AA or any other program, but I do know the failure rate is very high. Perhaps she is slipping or on the verge of a relapse and she is ashamed to tell you or let you see her because of it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That sounds very hurtful . I'm sorry. I thought at first maybe she was making new friends within AA, but it doesn't sound like it. It must be really hard not knowing why she's acting this way toward you .

[elaine567]

I am not sure why she is doing this but I do know that once a person gets sober, they often do a clear out of the people who remind them of their drinking days. That may include the people who helped them the most.

I also know that some, once sober, just do not find their old pals interesting any more... Being almost permanently drunk, oiled the wheels of the friendship/relationship, and with no drink on board they look for different people to amuse themselves with.

It is why some say it is never a good idea to stick around and help a partner get sober, as once sober they will not need you any more, so a waste of your time. Best just leave them to it.

[alphamale]

most likely she'll fall of the wagon soon enough...prepare yourself for the eventuality

[The Outlaw]

At this point, you've done all you can do. She may just be so overjoyed with her newfound sobriety, she's just out celebrating it with her friends/new friends and hasn't really thought about keying you in on how she's doing. I'd just say continue to not push anything and see if she contacts you. Some friendships are built to stand the test of time and some people just sadly move on. But I still think it's crappy for you to learn from another friend that she's moving after a friendship that long. Whatever the case maybe, I hope she contacts you. Until then, try not to worry about it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

I don't claim to know a lot about AA or any other program, but I do know the failure rate is very high. Perhaps she is slipping or on the verge of a relapse and she is ashamed to tell you or let you see her because of it.

 

I think the above is a possibility, donn0vain.

 

Also, it's possible that now that she's sober she realizes how poor her behavior beforehand was and feels embarrassed that you observed it. She may possibly be wanting to start fresh with people who don't know of her past, which would be a false pride issue.

 

It's sad if that's the case but just pointing out possibilities.

 

In any case, I'm sorry you're going through this painful situation.

 

I've been through a case of thinking I'd lost a friend I was very close to for seemingly no reason. I found out later, though, that she'd also ditched another of her close friends who is a fantastic person. She'd been through a life changing experience (horrible public kind of divorce) and somehow she reacted by changing her friendships.

 

People treat you the way they treat you because of who they are, not because of who you are. This is a maxim I return to time and time again because it's true and also helpful in keeping perspective.

[JuneL]

“It is why some say it is never a good idea to stick around and help a partner get sober, as once sober they will not need you any more, so a waste of your time. Best just leave them to it.”

 

I agree with Elaine on this one. It’s like how a man would ditch the woman who supported him through a very low point of his life.

 

So she has a boyfriend? I wonder how long he has supported her through this.

[d0nnivain]

Some of you are awfully quick to throw away a 45 year friendship. I wonder how many of you have friendships that have lasted that long.

 

She & her BF have been together for almost 20 years. I don't think he's going anywhere. I always wondered if she would leave him once she got sober but since I haven't seen the sober her, I can't say.

 

 

She's not hanging around with new friends she met in rehab or in AA. That I would not feel bad about. I understand that when you get sober, who you spend time with has to change. I am sad because she's spending time with our regular friends, who she drank with. I don't think she's slipping. I keep hearing good reports. I'm just feeling left out because she can see them but not me.

[alphamale]

Some of you are awfully quick to throw away a 45 year friendship. I wonder how many of you have friendships that have lasted that long.

 

I have 4 or 5 friendships from high school that are still going today...so that would be around 40 years

[The Outlaw]

Some of you are awfully quick to throw away a 45 year friendship. I wonder how many of you have friendships that have lasted that long.

 

She & her BF have been together for almost 20 years. I don't think he's going anywhere. I always wondered if she would leave him once she got sober but since I haven't seen the sober her, I can't say.

 

 

She's not hanging around with new friends she met in rehab or in AA. That I would not feel bad about. I understand that when you get sober, who you spend time with has to change. I am sad because she's spending time with our regular friends, who she drank with. I don't think she's slipping. I keep hearing good reports. I'm just feeling left out because she can see them but not me.

 

I wouldn't be quick to throw away a friendship that's lasted that long, I'd fight for it. But I've also been burned too many times by the same token and I've had to let it go. But good on her for going to the program, because I know how it works. It takes effort, devotion and time. But all you can do is take a step back and let her contact you. I don't think she would brush you off after you've been friends for that long.

[JuneL]

“She & her BF have been together for almost 20 years. I don't think he's going anywhere. I always wondered if she would leave him once she got sober but since I haven't seen the sober her, I can't say.”

 

From what you have shared in another thread about this long-term alcoholic friend, the guy must have serious co-dependency issues.

[anika99]

First of all 4 months of sobriety is very early in the game. She is at the start of a long journey and it's a process. It's a not a one day event where you just stop drinking one day and the next day everything is just peachy again. There is a lot of things for a newly sober alcoholic to face and deal with. Are you familiar with the 12 steps. One of the steps is that you have to confess and make amends to people who the alcoholic has hurt or done wrong. It's a daunting step that requires lots of personal insight and courage.

 

I think that there is something in her friendship with you that is giving her pause right now. Good me she is carrying shame about something to do with you, could be that there are unhappy memories that are somehow triggered by her friendship with you. Alcoholics are really good at putting on a false persona and pretending. Could be that she is still hiding her true self and is not ready to face certain things but you make her feel exposed because you know the real her. Nobody here knows for sure what the issue is but try not to take it too personally.

 

I don't think anyone here has said that you should just throw the friendship away, not sure where that defensiveness is coming from. I see people saying that you can't control the outcome and so just relax and let her come to you when she is ready if you are still open to the friendship at that time.

[anika99]

I am not sure why she is doing this but I do know that once a person gets sober, they often do a clear out of the people who remind them of their drinking days. That may include the people who helped them the most.

I also know that some, once sober, just do not find their old pals interesting any more... Being almost permanently drunk, oiled the wheels of the friendship/relationship, and with no drink on board they look for different people to amuse themselves with.

It is why some say it is never a good idea to stick around and help a partner get sober, as once sober they will not need you any more, so a waste of your time. Best just leave them to it.

 

I spent years with an alcoholic and spent a couple of years in Al-ANON meetings (saved my sanity) and that's not something I've ever heard people say. It's true that a lot of marriages or relationships will end when an addict or alcoholic partner becomes sober but ironically it's usually the non-addicted partner who leaves the newly sober partner. There are many possible reasons for this and it's true that one of the reasons is that the non addict partner no longer feels needed but it's not because the newly sober partner is telling them they are no longer wanted or needed. It's because the non addict is still sick in their codependency. They became comfortable in their role as fixer, controller, victim. They liked feeling like everything rested on their shoulders and like their alcoholic partner needed them for survival. They feel lost and displaced when the dynamics of the relationship suddenly change so drastically.

[BluEyeL]

I'm sorry, that sounds tough for you. You don't know why she said no. Maybe she didn't like those activities. Even if she's the same religion, is she a church goer? I know that if you invited me to "my religion" church I'd not come because I can't imagine something more boring than that.

 

In any case, I think there is nothing you can do. Keep in touch lightly and let her come to you. She'll come when she's ready.

 

I don't have friendships that lasted 45 years, but I do have some from high school. However, over the years, I have lost friendships and sometimes I did not understand why. If you feel you've done nothing wrong and you've done everything you could. you may need to accept that they ball is in their court now.

 

I have lost friendships and I usually accept that most friendships end at some point. If I feel I was true to myself and didn't intentionally hurt anyone, I let the friendship go and move on without a lot of sadness. Sort of, well that was nice while it lasted.

 

So, you don't have to "throw away" anything. But you also cannot hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. Just be available and wait and hope she'll come around.

[Tamfana]

I’m sorry she’s backed away. Of course, we can’t know what she’s thinking or feeling so this is pure speculation.

 

I invited her to church with me. (We are the same religion & AA involves your higher power).

-- Did you two go to church together before? Is that normal or aberrational?

 

I offered to come over with a casserole.

-- Maybe that seemed to her more like something people do for friends who are sick, bed-ridden, or had a family member die.

 

I tried to plan an outing that didn't involve alcohol, doing something we'd never done before -- going to an escape room.

-- It sounds as though her BF and other friends aren’t trying to keep her away from alcohol, leaving that up to her.

 

Of course, I don't know. It's just the only info to work with so maybe there's something there, maybe she thought you changed toward her. I hope you two spend more time together again. Give it a couple years.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I do understand, donn0vain. The friendship I lost was one of 35 years. And I fought for the friendship by reaching out to her plenty and always being available to her. It's still hard to accept but I've had no choice. It's the only deep friendship (other than divorce!) I've ever lost.

 

I have a couple other friendships that have lasted 45 years and one 55 years. It would be so hard to lose any one of those three.

 

So, yes, I understand how it feels but can't understand exactly how this loss feels to you since each friendship is unique.

 

The only thing I can say is that after reading your posts for quite awhile on LS you seem to me to be consistently wise, balanced and easy to get along with.

 

Is this something you could talk with her about?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your friend doesn't have a history of doing this to others, even though you may not know of anyone else she's done it to. People tend to behave in patterns.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks. I'm just hurt & don't know what to do.

 

Part of me wonders if her staying away from me has to do with the making amends step but honestly I don't know of anything she did to offend or upset me.

 

Given her new sobriety, I don't want to push for any kind of conversation because I don't want to make anything more difficult on her.

 

I guess I will go back to sitting on my hands & let this flow at her pace.

[alphamale]

Thanks. I'm just hurt & don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt d0nnivain but you really don't need to do anything right now. Just wait for her to come to you...

[whichwayisup]

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Be honest about your hurt feelings and that you feel brushed off all the meanwhile she's socializing with all your mutual friends and not you. If this friendship is ending or she's just needing time/space to reassess things, you have a right to know since you say you two have been friends for many many years. At least you'll know where you stand, better to know than not know.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a conversation with her. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. You two have been friends for a long time. Tell her you care. I know she’s going through a lot, but you have feelings too. Maybe there is some sort of misunderstanding...I don’t know, maybe she’s ashamed or something? I don’t know.

[alphamale]

I don’t know. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a conversation with her. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. You two have been friends for a long time. Tell her you care. I know she’s going through a lot, but you have feelings too. Maybe there is some sort of misunderstanding...I don’t know, maybe she’s ashamed or something? I don’t know.

 

I disagree, the friend has only been sober less than 4 months. I say leave her alone and let her heal. She doesn't need more drama right now, trust me.