Anti-social problems

[steelboi]

Hello everyone, I would like to share my pasts first in order to let you guys know what is going on.

 

when I was studying in the middle school, I was hated by girls due to my annoying behavior. The boys bullied me. When I was quiet, items were thrown at my back. The teachers wasn't good too. The violence of throwing chairs, Shouting at me while the whole class thinking i am stupid. I cried many times for this and I avoided some classes in order to stop facing some of my teachers. At the end of my middle school, I was too scared and became anti-social to find any of my middle school "friends" again.

 

So in my high school times, I started acting weird by either not communicating and tried to force myself out to them by doing the same thing as them. Many boys started to bullied me hard. No hesitation. Punches, kicking's, verbal bully, gang bully and many others. The girls hated me. Even sided with the bullies too. At the end of my high school, I have some close friends which I built up over the years. But that didn't last long because I wanted them to have better friends than I. I left many of them for me to start a new life, new friends at a new college.

 

I went to 2 colleges and currently studying in my university.

 

First college was okay. I got a friend who joined the same college together from my high school days. He helped me throughout my tough times when I couldn't properly communicate to other friends that I am not closed to. So it was like passing a message from me to my closed friend and then to the other friend. Some of the girls hated me due to my weirdness of not trying to communicate. After some months, they felt bad and talked to me. I was really happy that someone could change and I let myself out to talked to the girls confidently for the first time.

 

I didn't like the first course that I liked. So I went into the second college.

 

I went in without my close friends. I thought my past times will never repeat.. and it did. I was verbally gang bullied. They didn't use violence. They think I am stupid and easy to made fun with. After some months, I was really angry and I filed up a complaint to the lecturers. After the bullies knows, they changed into worst than before. They talked bad behind about me, trying to made other friends to avoid me and other kinds of negativity.

 

After graduated from second college, I have a close friend who i met in a online game. He wanted to join the same university as me. So we went in together.

 

So now I currently having this problem at the university I am studying in..

 

After some months in my studies, my online close friend made many friends while I am still struggling to communicate to others. I wasn't sure of many conversations they talked about. So I kept quiet throughout again. I always wanted to start the conversation but I couldn't kept it going. Now, they even have a private WeChat group with the others that I am not in. (Saw it by accident from my friend phone). I felt very left out. I cried from the inside. I felt very jealous and depressed about myself for not being a better person after failures by failures. I even let my lecturer knows about my online friend and others who were together the closest. My lecturer says that "I thought you was with them? What happened?" I couldn't answer.

 

Now I thinking that.. Should I voice out to my online close friend about my problem?.. I have some thoughts that I couldn't.

 

I kept thinking should I live in this world because I am worthless in communicating to just a single human that I am trying to know of. I am feeling wanting to hurt myself.

 

Please anyone.. If there are any guidance's or advice's that I need to specifically know of, please tell me.

 

Thanks.

Edited May 16, 2019 by steelboi
Adding in more informations

[vla1120]

You are still young and just haven't found your place, yet. There is nothing wrong with being shy. Do you have the option of taking a public speaking class at your university? I was painfully shy in middle school and high school. Then, I took a public speaking class and, even though I am still on the quiet side, it really helped me open up.

 

Also, the universities that my daughters attended had on-campus clubs for every single interest you could imagine. Is there an on-campus club (gamers or something like that) that might interest you?

 

Just remember, there are some really rude and nasty people in the world. They quite often feed on insecurity. Work on building your confidence and not caring what they say or how they act around you. Always walk with your head high, with purpose. Even giving the impression of self-confidence can often shut down the rude behavior of these bullies.

 

Finally, does your campus have counselors you can speak to? If so, please make an appointment. Adjusting to college is hard in itself. They are there to help you. Please seek them out.

[steelboi]

You are still young and just haven't found your place, yet. There is nothing wrong with being shy. Do you have the option of taking a public speaking class at your university? I was painfully shy in middle school and high school. Then, I took a public speaking class and, even though I am still on the quiet side, it really helped me open up.

 

Also, the universities that my daughters attended had on-campus clubs for every single interest you could imagine. Is there an on-campus club (gamers or something like that) that might interest you?

 

Just remember, there are some really rude and nasty people in the world. They quite often feed on insecurity. Work on building your confidence and not caring what they say or how they act around you. Always walk with your head high, with purpose. Even giving the impression of self-confidence can often shut down the rude behavior of these bullies.

 

Finally, does your campus have counselors you can speak to? If so, please make an appointment. Adjusting to college is hard in itself. They are there to help you. Please seek them out.

 

My university does not have public speaking classes. My school have some clubs to join. But I never intend to join any of it due to my own usual behavior of avoiding unknown people from communicating. But after you give me this advice about joining a club.. Maybe I should check out on my school receptions about anything that interests me.

 

For me, I still cannot accept the reality that there are bullies exists in this world. One wrong mistake or stupid action that can been seen and judge by them will give me hell for the time of my school life.

 

After looking at your points on bullies, I think it is time for me to accept this reality. But for now, I still need times to get over it because I am still unhappy and angry to this kind of world.

 

I have noted down your advice. It gave me a lot of ideas on how to stand up for myself.. a lot.

 

My school have counselors. But again, I never intend to meet them because of my behavior. I am afraid that, if I go for counselling and I let my friends find out, they will judge me. Then, the results of it will goes back to the same bully cycle. I am having a second thought. That is one of the reason why I figured it out that I should come to this forum and asking you guys for help. There are many more reasons but I don't want to key down the list in.

 

Well after your heavy advice on recommending me to go for counselling.. Maybe I should. I will ask my parents about this too.. they don't know about my current situation yet.

 

Thanks for the huge advice's you pointed out for me. I will focus on it and change myself. A little by little if possible because I am still struggling to open myself out very slowly like a tortoise.

 

Thanks again.

Edited May 16, 2019 by steelboi
Adding more information

[Foxhall]

As a general observation, it is a terrible situation the human inclination to marginalise or bully people who do not fit in so well or who are a little more awkward socially,

 

how are parents raising their kids, that young people think it is ok to bully other people

you are either in with the cool kids or you are a nobody,

 

with all the advances in society this particular problem seems to be timeless. I think it goes back to a ruthlessness or a selfishness been passed on by parents and encouraged through social media,

 

anyway on your situation , I think joining activities where the emphasis is on the activity and less on talking, any kind of sport perhaps, that would be a good starting point for you

 

build slowly enjoy the activity try to make minimal conversation, you do not have to say much,

 

small victories.

[preraph]

I think you should see if there's counseling available at school or if not, get in therapy and find out why you're so contrary, because something you're doing has set people off. You could have a personality disorder or something. Therapy might get to the root of it.

[steelboi]

As a general observation, it is a terrible situation the human inclination to marginalise or bully people who do not fit in so well or who are a little more awkward socially+++

 

 

I have the same exact views on your discussion about the bullies.

 

Well I have told my close friend about my situation. After knowing, he have added me into the WeChat group that I was left out.

 

I am very quiet in the chat. But still, I am happy in my heart that I have taken a step towards being a socialize person.

 

The first step gave me high morale, but I am still considering into joining an activity that would boost more on the way I can communicate.

 

Well thanks for the suggestions too. !

[steelboi]

I think you should see if there's counseling available at school or if not, get in therapy and find out why you're so contrary, because something you're doing has set people off. You could have a personality disorder or something. Therapy might get to the root of it.

 

 

Well luckily, my first major step towards being socialize have been good. My close friend say he will help me through.

 

I would still like to go for the therapy sessions. So I hope it will turns out well for me.

 

Well thanks for the suggestion!

[steelboi]

Well thanks everyone who have been helping me by giving pointers and suggestions. I will go through and improve myself with the first major step I have given. But just to let you know that if anything bad happens, I might come back here again. You guys have been the best to me. Cheers! !

[Foxhall]

Good luck,

 

yes a few positive things coming your way can quickly boost morale and all does not seem so bad after all.

[JEG88]

As someone who has lived with social anxiety and introversion as long as I can remember, I went through much of the same bullying in grade school due to my social shortcomings.

 

I never went to therapy or counseling, I just focused on my schoolwork and (unfortunately) shut myself off with video games and the internet. I had a few acquaintances, but my true friends were basically my two brothers. And it helped a lot talking to my mom about prioritizing and not letting things get to me.

 

So if you have family you can lean on and trust, I would do that as well to at least vent and talk through things. It helped me a lot to get to where I'm at today in terms of progress.

[todreaminblue]

i'm sorry you are being bullied .....i went through bullying when i was in school.....it sucks....what i will say that made me feel empathy for bullies is that most bullies arent born that way....i had this bully in primary who beat me up...his father and brothers used to beat him up....alcoholics......and there were these other boy bullies who stoned me when i was babysitting my sister in a park....their parents were drinkers and pretty rough.........these teen boys had stolen alcohol and gone fishing .....and unfortunately my sister and i were on their path home......and i got surrounded and stoned.....bullying causes major damage to your psyche and considering i didnt receive treatment when i was younger for the many instances of bullying i went through.... it really compounded the problem...and i more or less unintentionally became a target for more of the same....because i was different....and my silent protests although effective because maybe the bullying didnt last as long each time i didnt react.... .....my emotions overwhelmed me ...because those feelings of hurt pain and sadness i swallowed them....and carried on as nothing was ever said....till tears hit my pillow on my bed.....sounds like a song.....yep i write poetry and it helps me.....deal with emotions i cannot contain....

 

toastmasters is a group that does public speaking here in australia maybe find something similar to this to build your confidence and strengthen your voice.... like another poster has already suggested

 

but what i will say you really need.....is professional counselling....i wish that i had counselling when i was younger to maybe give me strategies to deal with physical violence....instead of my silent protests... i got pretty hurt physically emotionally...and mentally taking violence on certain bullying occasions and verbal bullying for years...has taken its toll....i have ptsd.....and i also have alternate personalities...

 

professional counselling will keep you together(unlike me,i am completely fractured)it will help you heal a lot faster and minimise the effects of others behaviours and also give you strategies to deal with them in the future.....please get in contact with your uni counsellor who will help you in many ways and maybe give you also some good suggestions on groups you could join as well...i know as an adult now....i should have had counselling when i was going through hard yards.....i hope that you do seek out your counsellor and.........best wishes....deb

Edited May 24, 2019 by todreaminblue

[Tagalz]

Don’t pressure yourself. You being you is the best thing you can do! Being anti-social has to do with your comfortzone aswell I would say.

 

I’ve been there and I am anti-social at times when I feel uncomfortable. Just be comfortable, don’t pressure yourself to hard and try to ask questions for you to start slowly (: and after you break the ice you feel better talking to people

[maxi105]

hello there steelboi.

 

 

firstly, what was the annoying behaviour you knew you were using at school? if you are still using this or trying to annoy folks for attention then sooner or later its gonna make folks real tired of you.

 

 

if you've learned from how you were treating others before then ok that's a good thing.

 

 

next up. you've titled your post anti-social behaviour...was it...not finding it easy to talk to others isn't like smashing a window, theft, starting fires or damaging folks property!!!!! so if its not that then addressing it as something when its not can also create its own problems in others minds....there is no shame in struggling to communicate, but you need to think about what is being said more to you and by you.

 

 

ok, so that's the duff stuff. the positive is that life isn't all about university and the people that go there or school or whatever...maybe you should try getting involved with stuff you really enjoy when you get any spare time that way you'll fly and be able to talk about it as you'll be interested.

 

 

meeting people on line and then being around them properly isn't the same thing so maybe expectations have been inflated in both parties a bit. getting to know folks takes time! and living in an online/e-technological world a lot can create a false picture and increase anxiety, self esteem etc...

 

 

there are and will be others in your situation at uni, so why not put a poster up and ask to meet folks once a month for a chat/gaming session/book read/night out in town whatever....

 

 

if you cant feel you can do that, then maybe look around the area to joining something you love.

 

 

there are lots of things I could suggest...but one of the problems with online reliance and living in an age where people are constantly looking at other people to tell them it is ok, is that you don't stoop to think for yourself!!!!!!!

 

 

maybe get a book about how to become more easy in yourself/coming across to others better...but stuff like that can only work if you are genuinely wanting to help yourself.....you have feelings...but so do others...and when you were behaving badly towards others did you stop to think about how they might be feeling?

 

 

look, don't do anything to harm yourself or threaten your life. what can help you is to talk to someone REAL...uni's have councelling, or pick up the phone for a help line free fone number and talk it over.

 

 

university is supposed to be a place of learning. life is also about learning....maybe spend a few more hours away from gadgets, reality tv game shows and documentaries and live here in the real world where stuff doesn't always go how you want, but you get by.

 

 

if you can make one new friend or a few new friends (and you can...you have to make an effort and be sincere and treat them with honesty and respect...if they are more acquaintences than might be great friends, and you will see yourself out of this situation).

 

 

don't fall for the BS about having to always do stuff with others either.....if you can make a cconnection outside of uni it will give you something to look forward to and you can find someone real to confide in and them you...just remember go easy with making yourself too vunerable in an attempt to find friends. IT TAKES TIME TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE PROPERLY!!!!!

 

 

THE last thought on this,,,if the bullying is getting physical or you fear it might then take up a hobby where you can learn to defend yourself safely and you go each week to meet others and you will find friends that way, and at the same time grow in confidence...boxing, the gym to build your body (it'll change the way you see yourself and others see you), rugby, boarding, cycling club whatever. make the most of your life...there are people out there who have lost loved ones and would give anything just to have the people they miss back again!!!!

 

 

ok, one final thought and it is final.....you got in this place starting with a friend....and your friend has drifted a bit....so you need to have a night out with that friend again...JUST THE TWO OF YOU!!!!!....NO ONE ELSE... I mean it...that's real important that that is the case...and you talk to him/her and get their opinion as to why you are getting left behind like you are. make sure you do stuff that you both like and if nothing else you will have a good night and so will him/her.

 

 

things will turn out ok im sure. but life is about learning to deal with things and actually doing something to help yourself, speak to real people that might help...but remember, don't be the one that always keeps draining others for answers...that will make folks run if they always feel youre sounding out all the time...you gotta give back when youre sorted!!!! and that's what freindships and good connections are about.

 

 

uni stuff isn't going to be a situation where you know everything, so again you have to give it proper time....it sounds like you are expecting things a bit quick? don't rule out therapy of some kind either if things are getting too much, it doesn't have to be for the next 60 years, maybe a few sessions to talk and off load to a professional might help...but above all else...do something to change this situation...don't let these people win!!!!!

 

 

if you are strong in yourself they cant touch you! they are attacking you becaseu they are cowards and weak without each other...i bet you don't ge this **** when you see them on their own on a one to one do you!!!!! so that's why you gotta help yourself quietly till you get stronger (and you can) just do it quietly and find some new friends outside of college and you'll be amazed.

 

 

ok, that's my bit, I haven't followed the posts....maybe I should but i haven't! so apologies if ive missed the point of it all. but that's how i communicate sometimes on here!!!!

 

 

best wishes. you;ll be ok. just keep goin. maxiXX