I effed up - I want to fix this

[SolG]

Weekend just gone I caught up with a wonderful close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while. She's incredibly professionally and financially successful. Compassionate, strong and always there for her friends and family. Has what appears to be a full and fulfilling life. The type of life many dream about. And she's about to embark on an amazing two-month overseas trip which will include celebrating her 45th birthday in an exotic location.

 

But the other night she opened up to me about her regret about not having children. She said she is now starting to accept that she will never be a mother, and that it was one of her deepest desires and that she knows she would have been a good one. And that she was deeply saddened, almost depressed about this eventuality.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that I choked. There may have been a lot of bubbles involved. I didn't expect this given she always seems so together and happy. Kind of our friend group shining example and rock. We all go to her with our problems! I said something lame about her not being too old, and that I somewhat related given my early hysterectomy due to endo that left me with only one child when I always wanted more.

 

She responded that not being able to have more children was a vastly different proposition to not having any at all. I literally saw her shut down and move on to another topic. She just stoically blinked away tears and discussed something else. And I was too uncomfortable to revisit.

 

I feel like ass. I know she won't hold it against me because she's not that type of friend. But I also know how much it must have taken her to broach the subject. And to be met by such an underwhelming and insensitive response... I doubt if she will ever bring it up with anyone ever again.

 

I'm seeing her again in two weeks time. For a bon voyage dinner before her trip.

 

I want to bring it up. And tell her that I'm sorry. That I don't fully understand her pain, but that I'm here for her no matter what. And if she'll let me, hug her and let her cry.

 

Not sure what I want from y'all here on loveshack. But I'd like to hear from those of you who can relate.

Edited May 10, 2019 by SolG

[d0nnivain]

It's hard because Sunday is Mother's Day. Trust me she HATES the day.

 

You see her as together & wonderful. She is receiving another message from the society: that she is defective. I have walked in her shoes to an extent. I never really wanted children but it was still painful when I realized I could no longer have them. When it was my choice I was OK; but when the choice was taken away it was a loss.

 

Next week send her flowers. Tell her you are sorry for not being more understanding. Remind her of her other admirable enviable qualities. Hug her when you see her & listen without talking or judgment next time you see her.

 

I am sorry for your hysterectomy but you do have other kids. She does not. When you are old your children will take care of you. When she & I are old if we are not fortunate enough to die quickly none will visit us & we will die alone in a warehouse type nursing home without an advocate. I remember how dismissively people treated my mother at the end of her life & am terrified that I will be abused when I am frail & elderly. It's impossible for someone with kids like you to truly wrap your head around that level of projected isolation.

[DKT3]

Sol we've shared this broad for a long time and I have always viewed you as a deep thinker and compassionate. She is right, the two are different, you were physically unable to have more children, she made a choice to not have children. I get that she now has buyers remorse, but again you are right that it's not too late. My wife had a baby a few years back and is around your friends age.

 

Were I you, I would revisit this with her if for no other reason than to let her know your there for her.

[The Outlaw]

Sometimes those that are always there for us and are always smiling are those that are hurting the most. I can without a doubt see it as being a hard subject to approach, but all you can really do is be there for her. And I doubt she'd view you as an ass. I'd be at a loss of words too.

[whichwayisup]

There are other ways, adoption etc if she is unable to have children of her own. And, she isn't too old, as long as she's healthy, and still ovulating and producing eggs she can have a baby.

 

Your heart was in the right place, you care a lot and she knows that. You tried to show compassion and empathy for what she is going through and sure maybe you did the wrong comparison with your and her situation about babies, but it wasn't meant as a jab or comparison, it was coming from a good place not a mean or malicious place. Try not to beat yourself up over this!

 

Do talk to her before she leaves and let her know that next time she can rely on you and you'll just listen and be there for her. Sometimes friends need a shoulder to lean/cry on and aren't looking for advice. Just an ear and to be heard.