Is she a friend or not?

[simonr]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here so I do apologise if it's in the wrong place, admins, please feel free to move it to the correct one if it is in the wrong place.

 

So to give y'all some background, I recently started training with a personal trainer a few months ago.

 

When I first started, we got on like we had known each other for years, I felt I could talk to my trainer about anything and I really felt comfortable there. She also felt the same way and said that she got on really well with me and that I was one of her clients who she could be herself with and not worry. The conversation flowed naturally to the point that I told her about a trip I was planning and she said she'd be in the same place and would join us for a couple of days! The trip is happening in September this year. She also suggested that we plan another trip for later on in the year! Please note that these trips are not for the two of us alone but with other friends of hers and mine. Although recently she's suggested that the second trip may not happen.... She also said initially that she talks to her friends about me as well and how cool of a client I am.

 

There was a day when I decided to talk to her about my deepest fears and issues and she reciprocated by telling me about hers. I really felt like I had a connection with her and found someone who didn't judge me about the way I looked or behaved or thought. This then led to me developing some feelings for her, however I know that it would never work out as she is not interested in finding someone right now. (Her words).

 

I have managed to keep my feelings in check, however recently it seems our relationship/friendship has gone a bit 'cold' whenever I throw hints about meeting outside the training sessions, be it for coffee or something else (e.g. music gigs), she always seems to change the subject or says something like I'm busy and have no time.

 

What I'm finding strange is why the relationship has now gone a bit 'cold' the conversation seems pushed and not as free flowing as before. Have I pushed too hard in suggesting we meet outside of training and that is not something she wants to do?

 

If that is the case, why would she have agreed initially to go on this trip? Have I misread the situation completely.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I have not suggested we go on any dates or anything like that. My feelings for her are in check and I would like to meet her outside just as friends.

 

We also used to text friendly messages relatively regularly before, but now she doesn't reply for 1-2 days and the text conversation seems one sided and dry.

 

Could it be that after these months, there is not much left to say and the chemistry we had has fizzled out?

 

Please let me have your thoughts on this guys, as I would like to have her in my life even if only as a friend.

 

Also, if your advice is to drop her as a trainer and then ask her to for a coffee, I have thought about that, but if she says no, then it would be very awkward to go back to her as a client and she is quite a good trainer.

 

 

EDIT: She also doesn't seem as excited to see me as it was during the initial stages. We follow each other on social media and do comment on each others updates, but the style of commenting also seems to have changed. e.g. before it was using lots of emojis, now its just words and much shorter comments.

Edited April 15, 2019 by simonr
Adding info

[Ronni_W]

You confused the professional relationship for something different and more than it was. She now needs to put on the brakes to prevent your feelings of transference going any further.

 

For a personal trainer, sharing one's own life experiences, etc., is not a 'no-no' as it is for therapists, mentors or coaches. And, even if you two did have a better-than-usual bond or connection,

that still does not mean that she saw you as anything more than a client, albeit with a very nice and sympatico personality.

 

To keep her as a trainer, dial way back on wanting to get together outside of sessions and on wanting it to be a deeper friendship.

[preraph]

She told you she's not interested in a relationship to stop you from continuing to develop feelings for her. She put that barrier up right away with you. Then you spilled your guts to her and she was kind, but now she knows you have feelings and does not want to encourage them nor lose a client. So she's walking the tightrope and just pulling back and being professional and nothing more.

 

The trip is a group thing and my guess is she will not be spending much time with you, if any, now.

 

She is not interested in your romantically and has made that clear, so there is no reason to keep trying to finagle or justify a way around that. Because she knows you have feelings, she is not going to let you use "just being friends" as an excuse to be around her, because she knows that's a lie, no matter whether you feel you have your feelings in check or not. You came on here and wrote, and you didn't do it because your feelings are in check. You're looking for a way in, and there isn't one. She's not interested. I'm sorry to be blunt, but she can't be much more direct than she already has been by saying she doesn't want a relationship and then holding you at arm's length while trying to not lose a client. This is a common thing with trainers, something they have to learn to deal with.

[mark clemson]

Possibly, having you a little bit interested in her is good for business. Having you a LOT interested, not so much...

[simonr]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

How would she know that I have feelings for her? I haven't told her or made it obvious.

 

I truly do have them in check, I have been on a couple of dates with another woman and the feelings for my trainer have subsided.

 

She had suggested in the initial stages that even if I was to stop going to her she is glad to have met me and would gladly have me as a friend in her life. I am guessing she said this to keep me on as a client?

 

I'm hoping things could go back to the way they were before, but I don't think that could happen any time soon......

[JuneL]

She knew when you kept asking her to meet outside of the gym.

[preraph]

Her telling you in initial stages she'd be glad to have you around as a friend is just her telling you one more way that "friend" is all it's going to be. And she's backed off that now that she knows you want more.

 

 

And because you spilled your guts to her. And keep trying to see her. And because, frankly, women just know. They feel the vibe.

Edited April 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

It’s also possible that sometimes service professionals just say nice things to their clients without really meaning them literally.

[JuneL]

And because you spilled your guts to her. And keep trying to see her. And because, frankly, women just know. They feel the vibe.

 

It’s actually hard not to know, as your body language can easily betray you.

[preraph]

It's a survival instinct as old as time.

[simonr]

It’s actually hard not to know, as your body language can easily betray you.

 

I feel like such a tool for being so naive to think that she wouldn't have realised!

 

As mentioned before, the feelings have genuinely subsided as I'm now dating someone else.

 

I don't know if I should tell my trainer or just let it be? I am hoping things could go back to how they were before.....

[NomiMalone]

No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

 

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once you’ve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

 

Don’t feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.

[JuneL]

No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

 

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once you’ve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

 

Don’t feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.

 

That’s fair. I also think she was being overly friendly and leading you on a bit.

[preraph]

No, do NOT say anything more about it. That is exactly what she is trying to avoid, any type of uncomfortable confrontation. Stop.

[simonr]

No, do not mention anything to her. From now on, just act friendly but distant. Only talk about training related stuff, at least for now.

 

Having said that, I think it was unprofessional of her to say all those things she said about talking to her friends about how cool she thinks you are, and the trips etc. For me that would be crossing a professional boundary (the rules change though once you’ve known each other for years and have genuinely become friends.)

 

Don’t feel bad, she clearly gave you the green light to treat her like a friend from the word go, which is what you did.

 

 

That is fair. I don't know why she would do that though. Keep me on as a client? I am seriously thinking about dropping her as a trainer and going elsewhere. This might be a bit hard as she mentions the trip every now and then and how exciting it will be. I don't want it to be awkward if I drop her as a trainer and then see her again on this trip in September. That is a long way away to be 'stuck' in this position! We are planning to go to Vegas, and as you all know it's a party town and once the drinks start flowing......

[JuneL]

Do you really need a personal trainer anymore? Some people just need one for a period of time; once they pick up the techniques, they can work out by themselves. In this sense, you can quit her without making her feel like she’s not doing a good job as your trainer.

[simonr]

To answer your question, yes. I do need a personal trainer, the biggest reason for me is motivation. I have tried training on my own before, but after a while all motivation was lost and I went back to my old self. This time round though, I want to be in it for the long run and so a trainer is a must for me.

[simonr]

I just came back from a session with her, and today she mentioned something to me which she said none of her other clients knew about nor do many other people know. I do believe that, because of the nature of what she said, I don't think other people would expect that from her. It's not anything bad, just surprising.

 

I don't understand why she would do something like this? Does she not realise that when you share something so close to you with someone else you are trying to create a bond?? Really messes with your head!

[maxi105]

hello simonr, ive read the posts in a few seconds speed reading!!!! maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have given it more time but It hasn't gone that way, and often it doesn't! sorry. but one thing that I think in the small bits ive read is that this:

 

 

I think your trainer has already picked up on the fact that there is more going on that she is comfortable with and it is making her feel awkward.

 

 

she sounds like a really professional person and whether you agree with my idea or not I think there are games going on here, but I think that it is you who is clouding things here and I think you are trying your best to keep things from getting to the emotional (but I cant help thinking that at times you are struggling with this a bit).

 

 

I think you feel its messing your head up because if she were to say yeah hey lets do this, you kinda want it, even though you are telling us you are cool with it. I think you like her and that's where you are struggling.

 

 

its not a question of dropping her (or calling it that anyway, that alone sounds like a bit of a clue!!!!) just tell her you'd like to train till the end of the month (ask her for any tips you want to improve on) and then as someone suggested go alone with your training. they are right when they say you don't need a coach 24-7 (unless you are an Olympic athelete!!!!) and im guessing you are not! LOL.

 

 

ok, so now ive just seen the fact that you say you need aperson trainer...well maybe you need to get a man. nope that is not me being sexist. guys and gals are great and have great knowledge on injury the body....what I am saying is take a break from a situation that requires people getting close and intimate (obviously not like that, but in close company) and you might find that you'll benefit from that different persons style and tips. even another woman will teach you different things about your health and body that she will...but as I think you should leave off the gals for now and if you need to train, find a man in a few weeks or take a buddy along for the carb burn!

 

 

you say this is starting to play with your head, well I can assure you, it will also have been playing with hers ont eh friend,client, potential area of you may be wanting more! and I DO think that she will have thought this about you, people pick up on stuff all the time and if you spend a lot of time in someones company you pick up on it more!!!!!

 

 

she will have taught lots of people and will see the signs from anyone if they are there or are starting to get blurred a bit!

 

 

so do yourself and her a favour. see it out till the end of the month, prepare her that youre off so she can get another client in your space and you can get what you need to boost you.

 

 

but at the end of the day, if you want to get fitter and are really serious about it...it all boils down to you in the end.

 

 

1,000 trainers famous, fit, fat, shoutin at you, flirty whatever aint gonna do squat. if you don't have that in you to carry on without having to have someone at your side then you can only ever make so much progress.

 

 

the gym and other fitness/weight loss things are never easy and you can go back to where you were or worse, but its about whats in your head and how you can sort that "appropriately" as to whether you move forwards and build on your esteem for yourself!

 

 

GOOD LUCK. AND KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL! she isn't your girlfriend, I don't think she wants to be and I think the fact that you say you have been on another date with another woman is telling something also.

 

 

ok, so now ive dipped into a bit more of the messages, not all, but I kinda get the gyst....oh dear, you were asking to meet her outside the gym!!!

 

 

look, if you want to start again, tell her in 2 weeks youre going to try another training programme and say how much you've enjoyed learning with her, thank her for her time and bow out gracefully. get away from this. I think actually that even though you have got a new partner, if this gym woman were to come onto you you would be very tempted and it would be something that you start up with the flirting and your feelings might not be so controllable. find a new trainer or a new place and move on with your new gal.

 

 

trainers must get this kind of crushing all the time. I bet she knows, but at the end of it all, you are just a client and I think if she wanted you something would have happened by now if you were a single guy.

 

 

not sure if that helps you in anyway. but good luck with the fitness and your new dame. maxi. you wont be the first to have been in this situation and you sure as hell wont be the last.

[NomiMalone]

I just came back from a session with her, and today she mentioned something to me which she said none of her other clients knew about nor do many other people know. I do believe that, because of the nature of what she said, I don't think other people would expect that from her. It's not anything bad, just surprising.

 

I don't understand why she would do something like this? Does she not realise that when you share something so close to you with someone else you are trying to create a bond?? Really messes with your head!

 

I’d get a new trainer if I were you. Someone who’s way more professional.

[simonr]

Thanks all.

 

I'm considering taking a break from training with her, however as mentioned before, she is a good trainer and I don't want to lose my session timings as they fit my schedule perfectly.

 

Do you think it would be wise to say that after all these months I'm ready to fly solo and that I'd like to try working out on my own, however I'd also like to keep these session timings so let me pay for them for 1 or 2 months, and if I were to fail at flying solo then I'll come back.

 

Or would that seem too obvious that I'm 'running' away so to speak?

[The Outlaw]

It's possible that she was badly hurt enough in a previous relationship that she just isn't interested in one at the moment. And even with your feelings in check, she knows exactly how you feel, and that's why she's backed off. Just back off on sending any messages, and see where it goes. If nothing, don't drop her, just move on and find someone that shares your connection and is just as equally interested in you.

[JuneL]

I would probably find an excuse to quit the gym altogether. There’re plenty of gyms everywhere. This is too much drama (in your head anyway)!

 

Just tell her you’re moving to your buddy’s gym just so you and your buddy can go work out together to motivate each other.

 

That’s why I fired my former eye doctor

Edited April 25, 2019 by JuneL