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Best Friend lied and betrayed


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Old 15th April 2019, 9:35 AM   #1
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Best Friend lied and betrayed

I found out yesterday (on my birthday night out) by accident that my best friend (who i spent Christmas and new year with her family abroad with) kissed the guy she knew i liked.

The issue:
My best friend Jenna was on a night out in February where she bumped into the guy Chris i had been talking to for a while but nothing had happened between us yet (she was actually with me the night before when he had phoned me and chatted for ages so she knew we were in contact and something was gonna happen).

I saw on instagram they had been out at the same place so i called her the next day to get the gossip. she implied he had been interested in the friend she was with and i left it at that.

by accident i found out by a miscommunication through a friend that she was in a 'dilemma about something that had happened at the bar they were at.' i phoned her straight away and asked her what happened and she wanted to know what my friend had said (i presume so she could establish if she could get away with lying/not telling me about it) but i refused to tell her what was said and she started panicking, went silent for about 20 seconds and i demanded she stopped stalling in order to think of an excuse then she admitted she kissed him. i hung up the phone straight away.

What should i do now?

i had a message from her which says she didnt want to tell me what happened as it wasnt worth falling out over but in hindsight this was the wrong decision (she didnt actually apologise).

i ignored it and today got a message saying 'maybe we can speak later in the week. im sorry again for what happened).

is this a bad friend who will choose a guy over her best friend? or am i overreacting as nothing had actually happened with us but she knew it was going to (we slept together the week after they had kissed - unknown to me).

she has been distance from me for the last month or so and now it's all making sense.

fyi there is nothing happening with her and him and he is also her exes best friend!!!!

Quick background:
He had started messaging me and phoning me in January (i'd actually fancied him for ages as he is so good looking) and we eventually hooked up in March. TBH it was a bit of an anti-climax and we decided to keep it to ourselves coz we had quickie sex on somone else's bed which we both thought was disrespectful so best to keep it private between us. Anyway things are cool with us - we were friends before and friends now and i know i will see him often as we have so many mutual friends.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:49 AM   #2
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The fact that she didn't want to tell you means she knows she shouldn't have done it, she felt guilty. At the very least she has poor impulse control and I would have difficulty trusting her in the future.
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Old 15th April 2019, 11:21 AM   #3
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Oh, I've been so burned by so-called friends like that. It's one thing, honestly, if you are say, under 24, in my opinion, because young people don't have much impulse control and it's pretty well understood that it's mostly a dating buffet when you're really young and nothing usually sticks for long. But if you are in your late 20s and you've all been around the block a few times and you've had a friendship for a few years, then I think you don't get in the middle and do that to a friend.

It's one thing if you have had no real interaction with the guy yet, but if you already have or are building up to something, and you have emotions and the friend knows you have emotions, then that's not a good friend and I recommend not keeping them around. The rule we made in college was you had about 3 weeks to "work on" getting a guy's attention and then it was open season on him. None of us were longterm friends, so we made that rule, to give a person a chance to take a shot. But real friends don't need to be told this. Unfortunately, I've found that they do anyway, and in their mind, it's almost a compliment to you (hah!) because they admire you and want to be like you and they're like little sucker fish opportunists trailing after your crumbs.

Don't keep people like that around!
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Old 16th April 2019, 9:01 PM   #4
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I cannot help but wonder why you don't seem angry at the young man. Granted, he isn't your beaux, but kissing one friend and sleeping with another in the same week? Dishonorable, ungentlemanly behavior. I could forgive my friend if she was very sorry. But yours doesn't seem so. I was betrayed by a friend in a very different way. I told her my deepest darkest secret and she told her husband-whom I had specifically included in the secrecy oath. Clearly, she told him or the story would be pointless. But worse, she justified it by saying she was trying to help me. And I believe she was. I forgave her and we were close for years afterwards. But I had missed the red flag behavior. Anyone who blatantly defies your wishes in the name of help thinks she knows what's best for you better than you do. And I endured years of crossed boundaries and other controlling behavior. I don't think your friend has any honor. She's not at all sorry for what she did. She only "regrets" that you found out. I'm pretty tolerant. I'd she came to me and apologized, I'd forgive her. But she did not. She's minimizing what she did and has no remorse. In my opinion, future friendship with her would be a friendship with someone you cannot trust: not with your man, not with your secrets, and certainly not to be honest with you. Clearly, she doesn't value your friendship, nor has she any value as a friend. Don't formally end the friendship. That will cause acrimony. Limit contact and keep the conversation superficial. She might be jealous and just want what you have. I'd lose the guy too. But thats up to you.
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Old 17th April 2019, 6:36 AM   #5
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thanks all for your advice so far. she finally sent an apology saying:

"i completely understand why you're upset and what i did was wrong, i shouldnt have done it and wish i hadn't. i have never intentionally hurt my friends or done anything to jeopardise friendships and didnt mean to do that to ours. i totally should have told you and take complete responsibility for that - i just wanted it to go away because i didnt mean for it to happen. it was a mistake and i didnt want to fall out with you or upset you over a kiss which i know i shouldnt have had. im so sorry you're hurt and i get if you need some space. happy to talk about it when you're ready. i hope we can resolve this at some point as i do care about saving our friendship."

i replied:

"thanks i appreciate the apology. we should probably talk about it at some point to move on from this. its upset me and given me horrible anxiety."

any advice about what i should do now please?
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Old 17th April 2019, 7:14 AM   #6
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I can understand you being upset but I can also understand her not telling you about the incident. It may have happened quickly and unexpectedly. You have no say over what she does or who she sees. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you own him - although, yes, she should’ve stayed away from him out of respect for you. I think the guy sounds more reprehensible than your friend. When the two of you talk, let her know that you don’t like being lied to. I don’t think this is worth destroying your friendship over.
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Old 17th April 2019, 8:10 PM   #7
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Is this the first time that she's done anything to make you doubt her?

If there has been anything else sketchy with her in the past then I would distance myself from her, I wouldn't be able to trust her so there could be no real friendship.

If this was the first and only, then you'll just have to go with your gut on what to do.

Her eventual apology seems to indicate that she knew how you felt, and she even said she was "wrong". She should have been the one to tell you, or at the very least have given you that apology as soon as you confronted her. The delay strikes me as shady and indicates guilt. But of course that is my opinion, based on my life experiences.

Again, go with your gut.
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Old 18th April 2019, 1:07 AM   #8
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The person at fault here is the guy, and your 'friend' isn't/wasn't really your friend. In these scenarios I note that 9 times out of 10 women will blame their female friend and forgive the guy, even though the real a-hole is the guy, but, if the situation is reversed, guys will stick together and blame the female.
Be more careful who you choose as friends.
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Old 18th April 2019, 4:48 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Is this the first time that she's done anything to make you doubt her?

If there has been anything else sketchy with her in the past then I would distance myself from her, I wouldn't be able to trust her so there could be no real friendship.

If this was the first and only, then you'll just have to go with your gut on what to do.

Her eventual apology seems to indicate that she knew how you felt, and she even said she was "wrong". She should have been the one to tell you, or at the very least have given you that apology as soon as you confronted her. The delay strikes me as shady and indicates guilt. But of course that is my opinion, based on my life experiences.

Again, go with your gut.
Yes, this is the first time she has done anything like this to me. she's always been a great friend in the past so this is why i am shocked by this. a few days have past and i realise its not the biggest deal in the world. i do feel she sees me as competition with guys and she says she knows she has an issue where if she doesnt get a guys attention in a night she feels like a failure.
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Old 23rd April 2019, 10:47 AM   #10
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update: its now been a week since i found out my friend kissed the guy i liked/had been speaking to for ages and it transpired i called my friend a 'slag who nobody likes' when i first found out about this kiss (i was drunk so didnt remember this and its obviously hit a nerve as these are things she thinks about herself).

she now says we need to have space after 'what i said to her' and she spent the weekend inviting people out with her (and leaving me out). i feel like she is manipulating the situation so she is the victim.

we've texted a few times and the texts have been very nice but she said she needs space and will talk next week.

what does this all mean and what should i do? (i am giving her space and not harassing her anyway). help i feel really alone and lonely like shes pushin me out

Last edited by London12345; 23rd April 2019 at 10:49 AM..
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