LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

Having Trouble Forgiving Myself


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree11Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th April 2019, 7:25 PM   #16
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 25,344
Quote:
Originally Posted by metsrule6986 View Post
Thank You. I never even thought about what her other facebook friends think. I am just going to leave her alone. I have to admit though there is a part of me that wants to write her a proper goodbye letter because if our friendship has to end I think she deserves a proper goodbye and too be honest it would help me let go of my feelings for her and move on, (There is no way I can do this in person) but like I said I just thought about it and since every instinct I have been wrong, I am not going to do it because it is a bad idea
Absolutely not. Stop.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th April 2019, 1:48 PM   #17
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
There was NO sexual harassment Yes I did tell her that if we were closer in age and I was not married that I would be crushing on her and Yes I was honest with my feelings to her and Yes I told her she was pretty but I was NOT some lech who perved on her at work like that,(Now it it possible that what I did could be percetved as sexual harassment by her and even though that was never my intention that this is something I need to be careful of in the future Okay I wont argue that) Now did I overdo it with all the other stuff Yes I did and that is my fault and it is one of my weaknesses as a human being that when I like someone I overdo it and I can drive them away and for that I have no one to blame but myself, As for saying writing that goodbye letter I agree that would have been a horrible idea because she needs to be left alone but to help me move on and let go I DID write an open letter to ANONYMOUS that she will never see and that I will NEVER tell her about even if someday she decides to forgive me and talk to me again
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th April 2019, 8:14 AM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
I just want to take a moment and Thank everyone who just listened to what I had to say and I want to thank all those who responded whether your analysis of what I wrote was correct or not correct it all helped. Some things helped me realize my mistakes and some things helped me realize things I never thought of and others reminded me of things I need to be careful of in the future, So I thank you all, As for that Anonymous letter I wrote I do not know if she will ever see it and even if she does I do not know if she will ever mention it to me or not I will never ask her, I wrote it for myself so I could let go and move on and let go of these feelings, Now I am not there yet Oh dont get me wrong I am avoiding her like the plaque but when I have to walk bye her to get something I am not saying there but it feels like all I can do not to break down in tears and yes of course some of the tears are because I lost a dear friend but the majority of them is because I hurt someone who touched my heart and I hurt in some way because I overdid it, I would have NEVER started any romance with a 23 year old woman no matter how attracted I was too her but I did want to uplift her and make her feel special and loved. Right now of course is just beat myself because I screwed up but I will never forget the smile I put on her face when I surprised her for her birthday, Anyway once again Thank You all
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th April 2019, 8:50 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 3,297
Let me ask one last time: Where is your wife in all this? Do you respect your marriage?
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2019, 2:48 AM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,153
Quote:
I DID write an open letter to ANONYMOUS that she will never see
Quote:
Originally Posted by metsrule6986 View Post
As for that Anonymous letter I wrote I do not know if she will ever see it
So you did post this letter somewhere that she could possibly see it. I think you are lying to yourself if you're telling yourself that you wrote this for your own benefit only. You absolutely meant for her to see it.

I think you tell yourself a lot of things that aren't the truth. You say you would never be with her romantically, but I think if she had been receptive to your advances, you would go for it in a heartbeat. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you would cheat on your wife, but maybe you'd leave your wife first. And speaking of your advances, you can tell yourself you weren't trying to hit on her and you were only trying to make her feel special or whatever, but to everyone else, it absolutely looks like you were hitting on her. You told her she's pretty, that you love her more than a friend, you gave her a surprise birthday party, posted too much on social media, cried when you realized she blocked you, and really, one of the most inappropriate things you told her was that if you were closer in age and not married, that you'd have a huge crush on her. You cannot behave like this with someone and expect them not to think you have romantic feelings for them.

She blocked you on social media and is only trying to be cordial to you at work and you still think there's some chance that you'll be friends again. You've got to be more real with yourself.

Look, I don't like that you're beating yourself up over this, because that's never a good feeling and no one should do that to themselves for too long, but you did really overstep boundaries, and while you admit that you did, I don't think you really understand how and why you overstepped.

I would say that it sucks that you lost a friend, but she wasn't your friend, she was someone you were attracted to and had feelings for. So you didn't actually lose anything, she was just a girl you liked who didn't like you back. It's not the end of the world.
CC12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2019, 6:40 AM   #21
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 17,750
You go on and on about hurting her but why will she be hurt?
She merely blocked some guy who overstepped the mark and who she is not interested in whatsoever romantically, so that will not have hurt her...
She may feel a lot of things, but hurt I guess is not one of them...

YOU are hurt and so are projecting YOUR feelings onto her.

Trust me it is not a good feeling to have some older guy at work make a fool of himself over you and not take no for an answer.
It is awkward and embarrassing. You feel you want to tell him to F*** off, but because you work together you cannot make a scene so try to keep the peace and hope he finally gets the message. Here she had to eventually block you.

I have been there, leave her alone
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2019, 6:44 AM   #22
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Okay I am going to answer some questions and say some things, The reason I have not answered questions about my marriage is that I NEVER talk about my marriage I got in big trouble talking about any problems I might be having and I keep that stuff inside although I did mention in one of my comments that I miss the fact that I could tell my wife everything but when she would throw things back in my face time and time again so I am not as open as I used to be, As for this situation There are some things she knows like the surprise birthday party and how I like her but not about the emotional meltdown I had when she blocked me. As for the Anonymous letter I posted that right on one of my social medias so of course if she looks at my social media will she see it and am I hoping she sees it and it makes a difference of course I am BUT I did not tag any mutual friends who may alert her in other words I am sort of putting it in God's hands maybe she wiil see it maybe she wont and if she does maybe she will forgive me but then again maybe it will make her more angry I do not know I have no control over it BUT I did not like the way our friendship ended and Yes it is my fault but I had to do something so I could start to let go and that is why I wrote the letter so that at the very least I could begin to move on but was I hoping for more. Of course but will it I do not know and there is nothing else I am going to do right now except her wish that I leave her alone. As for going for it in a heartbeat if she felt the same way The answer to that is NO Now of course if she came at me in a bikini or some real sexy oufit (and she does not dress that way) well if course I would be very tempted and I might fail but I would be riddles with guilt afterward and I am speaking from experience once because years ago I had an ex girlfriend with whom I had not had sex with in 5 years but we remained friends and there was not even a hint of interest (and Yes of course I would have had sex with her in a heartbeat if I could have but she had no interest and I respected that BUT When I got another girfriend (Not my wife) that I got serious with) She came on to me and I am not going to lie I was very tempted and I almost did but I could not go through with it and when I left I had mixed feeling becauseon the one hand part of me regretted leaving because the idea of having sex with her one more time made me very horny I will not lie but I also though that if I did this I would be hurting someone who I wanted to be with, So NO I would not have jumped at the chance in a heartbeat BUT would I have been very tempted and depending on her moves is there a chance I would fail Yes there is, My wife and I talked about this once and she told me that while she would never cheat on my She told me that if she ever found herself drinking with a man she liked ahe would no doubt have sex with him because her inibitions would be down and she said that while she knows that I would never cheat on her she also said that if a beautiful women came at you in asexual way, You would sleep with her
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2019, 7:10 AM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Well today at work she had to come down near my work area and when I saw her coming I turned my head away from her and she tapped me with that beautiful smile of hers that used to light up my day and said Hi!! and I responded with a quizzical high and then because it was a happy HI I went to talk to her (If it had been just a cordial HI would not have spoken to her) I said to her I thought you never wanted me to bother you again, She said NO!! Whatever gave you that idea and I told her When I apologized to you in person I thought we were okay but then last week I felt that I was annoying you and something was wrong and I told her that because I loved her I was prepared not to talk to her anymore if that is what she felt she needed, I was starting to talk to much so I stopped myself and I said I did not like the way our friendhsio ended so I wrote a letter to anonymous on my wall to help me move on and I told her that YOUR Anonymous if you ever decide to read it I think it says it all better than anything I can say now and I told her that she is 23 and i would never cross the line and she knows, Now I do not know why God Gave her back to me as a friend or why she even wanted me back as a friend I do not know BUT I do know that I am going to do my best to be a better friiend by doung less and no more overdoing it with the social media posts and toning all that down and as for commenting on her beauty I am going to stop that also with the rare exception of commentin on a new hairstrly every so oftten,
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 1:01 AM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
In my last post I talked about how shocked and happy I was that my friend Samara wanted to stay friends but after talking to a good friend and thinking about what he said I am thinking that may not be such a good thing, My friend is of the oplnion that while she was mad at me despite her saying that she was not that when she saw that I really was leaving alone that she started missing that male attention, I told my friend their is NO way she is in love with me as I said elsewhere I am married my age and I dress like a slob at work I do not care how much I may have made her feel special, I do not believe that any woman let alone a woman 30 years younger is going to fall in love with ANY Man as I just described myself and my friend said It is not so much that she is on love with you BUT she is in love with the male attention you had given her, I do not know if what he says has any truth. But I think the best thing I can do for Samara moving forward is to be a better friend by being less of a friend if that makes any sense
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 1:52 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,153
Quote:
Originally Posted by metsrule6986 View Post
I told her that because I loved her
Is English your first language? I'm asking not because you don't speak/write it well, but because of your use of the word "love." It is a Big Deal to tell someone you love them and you would not throw that word around loosely.

But I gather that in some other cultures/languages it's not that serious to use that word. In either case, I think you need to stop professing any of your feelings for her. You need to keep it strictly professional. She is not your friend, she probably doesn't want to be your friend, she just wants to be friendly at work.

I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, and I think I would not appreciate being put on the spot at work by a guy wanting to talk about our friendship. I would be seriously put off if he told me he wrote an "ANONYMOUS" post about me and then prompted me to go read it. You are crossing a lot of lines, and she is being extremely nice to you about it - she could very well go to her/your superiors and file a complaint against you after how you've behaved. She is being kind and merciful. Stop making her do that for you.

Quote:
But I think the best thing I can do for [her] moving forward is to be a better friend by being less of a friend if that makes any sense
Yes. It does make sense. Treat her as you would treat any male colleague.

Also, is that her real name? By using her real name, are you hoping that she'll somehow find this post and recognize that it's you talking about her? You need to stop trying to communicate with her outside of work.

You are coworkers. Leave it at that.
CC12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 9:37 AM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
That is what I am going to do moving forward (just treat her like any other co worker moving forward and bye that I mean with the same respect and dignity that respect and kindness I give any other co worker Nothing more nothing less and Yes I do throw the word Love around a lot when I talk like you said I admit that
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 9:56 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 3,297
First, would you mind splitting your wall of text into paragraphs? Second, how did your friends react to that “anonymous” letter on your fb? What was your wife’s reaction? I assume you have some mutual fb friends, right? I just can’t imagine how incredibly creepy that letter must have appeared to them.
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 4:17 PM   #28
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Actually the reaction from my friends was pretty positiive because I asked a question about Did you ever have a person enter your life and touch your heart in a special way and I am not talking about boyfriend-girlfriend love or anything of that nature (and I do not care how I sounded in all my posts there is NO way I would have ever started a sexual relationship with her EVEN if she wanted to because I would have put myself in a position to hurt her if I did that, Now did I end up hurting her because I overdid it with trying to be too much of a friend and commenting on her looks and how I felt? Yes in retrospect of course it was but at the time I did not think I was wrong, My mistake was not doing the birthday party That was more than enough and I should have left it at that and when I wrote that letter I also said that I lost her as a friend because one of my weaknesses I have is that when I really like someone I overdo it and I drive people away from me and ir hurts but that it is my fault Then I said to Anonymous I am going to miss your friendship but I understand you need to move on but that I love you and wish you all the best in life. My wife was upset with me but not about the girl but because she has seen me make the same mistake pushing people away before
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 4:54 PM   #29
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 25,344
This is absolutely harassment at work, sexual harassment, and one of these days, you are going to swiftly lose a job over it. Telling someone they're pretty and how you love them. That isn't friendship.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th April 2019, 10:30 AM   #30
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 13
Moving forward I am going to leave this girl alone I am going to just treat her like any other co worker and that means with respect and dignity it is the best thing I can do for her and myself. Thank You all for listening and all your comments even the ones I did not agree with all of them helped me take a more harder look at mistakes that I made
metsrule6986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Trouble Forgiving Myself Paenitentiae Infidelity 38 24th February 2015 4:30 PM
I'm having some trouble "forgiving and forgetting" carmendee Coping 2 13th July 2012 8:38 AM
Having trouble forgetting/forgiving.... vwbeetle Infidelity 23 25th July 2011 3:49 PM
forgiving myself waiting13 Breaks and Breaking Up 11 26th February 2009 2:18 AM
Having trouble forgiving and forgetting ... cynthia77 Infidelity 1 20th April 2006 1:36 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:57 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.