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Having Trouble Forgiving Myself


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 7th April 2019, 12:29 PM   #1
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Having Trouble Forgiving Myself

Hi I am a 53 year old male and the friend I am talking about is 23 year old female I work with, Now before I begin I want to make clear that this is NOT a romantic story, Yes I am attracted to her but I would never act on it for 3 reasons 1, I am married 2, Our huge age difference 3 We work together and even if for some reason she was attracted to me I would NOT pursue anything because I would not want to put myself in a position where I could possibly hurt her and of course I take my marriage vows very seriously.

Now I have worked with a lot of attractive females that I liked that fall under what I said above and were 10-30 years younger than me and all was okay, Then I met [her] and we are as different as night and day but we both noticed that we had similiar mannerisms like for example she moves out of the way I do or I sometimes unknowingly have my mouth opened as I work and she does the same. So we got to talking and found out that our birthdays are 4 days apart (and 30 years) and that we are both left handed Sagitarians (Now I am not a big believer in the stars but it was cool that we shared this)

Now I work in one place so I did not go out of my way to talk to her but when she was not busy she would come to talk to me and she would tell me stories or how she got picked on in school and I could relate because I was too. Bottom line the more I got to know her the more I liked her. Then one day another co worker threw a surprise birthday party for another co worker and as we were talking I said I am sure that you have had some burthdays like that and I decided that I would do that for her because I wanted her to know that there was someone in her life (Outside her regular family) who thought she was special and I did and I felt great for doing that for her and I did not want anything in return.

Now is where the story turns sour I became friends with her and because I liked (like I mean) so much I would make a lot of comments I would comment on pictures telling her she was pretty (I had told her once if she was a lot older or I was a lot younger and not married I would be crushing on her big time but that was not the case and friendship was all we had. Now I do not apologize for my feelings but I do apologize for letting my feelings run away with me, I would also make comments that would maker her laugh or try to uplift her, She was very depressed on Valentine's Day and I felt so bad for her that I wrote a lot of posts trying to uplift her spirits, encourage her or make her laugh.

Bottom line I was writing way too many posts on her wall but I did not really think about it because I liked her a lot and we both knew there was no romantic possibility (Note When I was planning a surprise party for her my friend asked me, What if she catches feelings for you and I said That will not happen because there is NOTHING attractive about me that a 23 year old women would find attractive I am 53 fat and I dress like a slob at work) Anyway One day I was on her wall and I only saw my posts and I found out she restricted me and I was alone and I broke down in tears because I never ever wanted to hurt this girl and I realized that I had annoyed her by liking her so much.

I wrote her an emotional letter and told her I was afraid I would break down if I said this in person and for some reason I actually mentioned that I had tears streaming down my face (I did but maybe I should not have mentioned that and told her I loved her but I would never put myself in a position to hurt her and the only thing I can give is friendship and then after apologizing I could not stop writing and I apologized for that and I accidently waved at her (STUPID FACEBOOK) and the last thing I wrote was a letter saying that it would break my heart to lose you as a friend but I love you more than that and if we cant be friends I am going to make it easy on you and I will always be here if you need me.

Now I had no idea if she read my messages because they only showed as sent, So last friday I gave her a brief explanation of what I wrote and I apologized and told her I thought I lost her as a friend, She said everything was okay and I thought it was, Then on the weekend I deleted my facebook (My wife and I had a huge argument because I wrote a corny dirty joke and that alomg with a documentary I saw on YOU TUBE about social network by TruthStreamMedia,com prompted me to take a break from facebook and I wrote a number of friends and family including [her] in a group letter and told them. So fast forward to this past week I said hello to her and she did not respond.

I thought that was odd because she always used to I asked her (She said she did not hear because of her music which I had to accept (but she always used to hear me and she always had her head phones) So when things were light I tried to mention about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (She is a Janet Jacksom fan and I a Def Leppard and they were both inducted( and she was nice but I do not know the way she answered me I felt like I was annoying her maybe I was not and I am reading something that is not there I do not know. But if there is I do not know if she thinks I cancelled facebook because of her (NO) or if she got upset after reading my letters that I apologized for.

All I know is that it is all my fault and it breaks my heart that I did something that annoyed her or hurt her and lost her as a friend if that is the case, I know the only thing to do now is to just leave her alone and just be cordial and say Hello if she does (I do not know if I should even say Hello first I mean I do not want to be rude) and other than that only speak to her about work related things if needed.

It is all my fault and while I feel so bad that I may have lost her as a friend, I am more upset with myself because I let my feeling for her actuallly hurt her and annoy her when all I wanted to do was make her feel special. Have a nice day and thanks to anyome who read that long babbling letter for listening

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Old 7th April 2019, 12:48 PM   #2
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Aww, sorry that all went south. The ironic thing is you know exactly why. I'm certain she valued you as a friend, but that when she knew (women know) you had crossed over into more emotionally, she felt she had to draw the boundary so as not to lead you on in any way and send the message that she was uncomfortable with you getting emotional because you are, after all, a coworker she has to see regularly.

I don't believe you hurt her. I'm sure some part of her is grateful you thought so highly of her, but on the contrary, she is trying to minimize you going any further down this emotional road in an effort to try not to hurt you or have to have a confrontation with you (why she doesn't want to talk anymore because she knows you'll keep trying to talk about it and put her on the spot).

So you are going to have to totally back off writing her or following her social media or talking to her at all unless work requires it, and just be polite and nothing more than a hi if you pass by her. Stop trying to interact. It's made her uncomfortable. She is a woman. She knows what it looks like when a man is romantically interested and it's at work and so she can't even handle it directly. She just now is in a position to avoid you, so you need to let her.

No more confessions or trying to talk about it at all. Stop. That's all you can do. Any contact/communication not about work is going to make her feel cornered. And don't manufacture work reasons to talk to her either.

Sorry you're hurting. Crushes happen. But you have to have boundaries at work, and you already knew this was going nowhere.
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Old 7th April 2019, 1:36 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metsrule6986 View Post
I want to make clear that this is NOT a romantic story, Yes I am attracted to her but I would never act on it for 3 reasons 1, I am married 2, Our huge age difference 3 We work together and even if for some reason she was attracted to me I would NOT pursue anything because I would not want to put myself in a position where I could possibly hurt her and of course I take my marriage vows very seriously.
All well and good,
BUT
then you tore all that up, and went into full pursuit mode under the pretence that you were only being friendly.
She sussed you out, she went OMG this guy is overstepping the mark and blocked you, but then you wrote her what was essentially a love letter...

Stop the pity party and just leave her alone.
Go spend some time doing something nice for your wife...
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Old 7th April 2019, 4:39 PM   #4
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You're in denial as to what this is/was. You told her that you'd be crushing on her big-time if the two of you were closer in age, and if you weren't married. The fact is you were crushing on her despite these reasons that you shouldn't have been. It's okay though ĖĖ this happens sometimes. You just need to admit it to yourself and work on minimizing it instead of escalating it.

So that problem is not your feelings, it's your behavior. It's like you don't have a filter that regulates inhibitions. You let it go so far that she got creeped out. In a situation like this they know when you like them by your voice, body language, eye contact and all of those subtleties. But you have to restrain overt behaviors, and somehow you got to be middle-age without figuring that out.

I'm older than you, and I volunteer with a few dozen college women. They attend a school that requires a 4.0 for admission, study neurobiology and stuff like that. So they're all really smart, social, and many are hawt-hawt. I stay on the verge of falling in love/lust every time I'm around them, but I engage my filters and am cognizant that it's all just a fantasy interacting with my overactive libido. We talk and laugh and have a great time, but everyone has boundaries. If even some of the stuff that passes between my ears came out my mouth I'd be dismissed, and maybe arrested. But I keep it appropriate and we're buddies. Several of them have written me really nice goodbye notes when they graduate and leave. I love my volunteer job and am thankful that I can make it work. We did have one woman that was closer to my age and we secretly dated for about a year, until she left town. No one there ever knew about it, not that it would've been forbidden but we chose to keep it private.

You have to learn how to keep a lid on it man. If I were you I'd consider going to therapy to sort out why you aren't more aware of your actual feelings, or honest with yourself, and why there's no circuit breaker between your feelings and actions. I hope it all works out for the best for you.
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Old 7th April 2019, 6:32 PM   #5
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Seriously, you should worry more about sexual harassment complaints than losing her as a friend.
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Old 8th April 2019, 1:57 AM   #6
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Thank You all for all the responses and yes I am going to leave her alone and if she comes back to me in time as a friend great but if not (then that is just the reality which to be honest I think is more likelyI do not know if someone in the future will come along and make me feel that way again but if so I will use this as a learning experience and not the same mistakes again I can't say I regret my feelings now I never intended for them to be as strong as they got and I was never going to pursue it but of course while I was not going to pursue it I did overdid it with all the posts and messages on facebook and that I do regret and just have to live with
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Old 8th April 2019, 9:19 AM   #7
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Actually, there's a scientific reason for office romances. I am not a scientist but will explain it the best I can (though I know it wasn't a romance). When people like one another and are around one another so often, the brain secretes chemicals that form a bond. My point is, it happens. You're human. Yes, you crossed a line. Also, you weren't in this thing by yourself. She obviously enjoyed the attention. I never met a woman who didn't like to be told she was pretty and I didn't hear any evidence of her fighting it. You both behaved inappropriately. But the fact nothing happened shows control and decency on your part. I think everyone-or almost everyone-experiences attractions to other people. The measure of your character is how you handle it. And now you know to distance yourself from anyone to whom you might be attracted in the future. You didn't mention the state of your marriage except that you took your vows seriously. But how is the relationship? I'm not saying it's lacking. Only you know that. But you might want to examine it. Maybe a little spice will make it easier to avoid trouble in the future. Remember when you were courting? Try to recreate that time with the same behaviors and activities. That's a good thing to do regardless of whether you are dissatisfied with your marriage or not. Lastly, and I know it's easier said than done, but for the love of God, FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have punished yourself enough for flirting, feelings and Facebook posts! It's not like you kicked a puppy! I lost a friend for a similar reason. We were both married and our relationship was never consummated, but the flirtation crossed a line. I missed him. We had a lot in common and he made me laugh. But losing the friendship was not only the least painful of potential painful possibilities. It was also what needed to happen for the best of everyone. Count yourself fortunate you didn't get busted and give yourself credit for keeping your hands out of the cookie jar, so to speak.
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Old 8th April 2019, 11:44 AM   #8
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oh dear!!!!!!!!!!!!....I think that is probably the best thing I can say on this matter!!!!!, that and met69....what does your married other think about all of this????


I hope you learn to grow up and more so that you actually learn from this sorry situation.


I agree with june and salparadise here, YOU ARE IN DENIAL AND YOU DO REALLY NEED TO BE GRATEFUL A SEXUAL HARRASMENT CASE WASNT BROUGHT TO YOU!!!!


what were you thinking? I don't really believe what you have written because you are trying to convince us that this is no big thing, but what you have actually written and what you intended are totally different to that coersiveness.


I cant be positive for this situation because you are old enough to know better!


I do wish you well, but you (and a lot of guys and predatory gals out there need to wake up to the fact that because they like someone doesn't mean they have a right to have them or keep manipulating, harassing or cojolling them into thinking it might be a great idea to be with them.


I don't agree with the way you've gone about this, im sorry. I am a bit surprised how your post has left me feeling, but sometimes it goes like that.


you got away scot free this time buddy, so use that to learn not to go there again!


the tears you are sheddin are really for yourself and your realisation that you don't have what you thought you had.


what happened if this girl would have got with you and started an affair and then you got her pregnant?....what would you have done then...she would be your dirty little secret and you would probably turn you back and or run to your wife..(if its a woman you are married to).


I think your partner deserves a bit more than this and certainly so does the young woman you have been drooling over!!!!!!! she saw you as a friend, an older professional at her work place that was fun...NOTHING MORE....I daren't ask what you thought of her on occasion privately the longer this went on!


I do think you are sorry though, so that is probably the one genuine thing you do feel...but it is also linked with remorse, guilt and SHAME!


you feel ashamed because you know what you were doing wasn't right, fair or honest to the girl, your spouse or yourself so it hurts you.


YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM THIS OTHERWISE YOURE GOING TO FIND YOU LOSE YOUR JOB, MARRIAGE, FREINDS AND POSSIBLY YOUR HOME AND CERTIANLY THE SELF RESPECT SOMEONE YOUR AGE IN A WORK PLACE OUGHT TO RESPECT.


WAKE UP AN DGROW UP IS MY MESSAGE TO YOU. a hard one, but a lesson you know already is one that you need to act on.


leave the girl, but apologise to her face and leave it there. leave her to do her job and you might get your respect back. carry on and you will deserve ALL THAT WILL COME TO YOU!!!!


maxi
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Old 8th April 2019, 12:27 PM   #9
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One thing I have to clarify I did NOT sexually harass [her] (Unless telling her I thought she was attractive and occasionally that she was pretty is sexual harassment) One time when I told her she was pretty She told me she thought she was ugly and she got all depressed on Valentine's day and I wanted her to feel that she was loved and special and she is and I told her that someday she is going to make someone very happy.

Yes my tears were for myself and Yes part of it was because I lost someone I cared about but they were also because I overdid it on facebook and somewhere I crossed the line between making her feel she is special and making her feel annoyed, uneasy or whatever and I have no one to blame for that but myself and Yes I did apologize to her in person after I wrote what I wrote and I told her that while it would break my heart to lose her friendship I said I love you more and if you want to remain friends I promise not to cross the line (and bye that I mean overdoing not just with the facebook posts but also overdoing it trying to make her special (for example no more surprise birthday parties one was enough) and if she decided that we cannot be friends then I told her that I will make it as easy as I can but I also told her that if she ever needed me I would be there for her.

But other than that I am going to leave her alone, When I really like someone or love someone I can overdo it (Like when my wife and I dated I was an open book and too be honest it has come back to bite me and she throws all this stuff in my face when we argue and as a result I just am not as open with my feelings and telling her stuff and too be honest I miss that) but back to [her], Yes there is a part of me that hopes that if I leave her alone the friendship can be revived someday and I also know that as much as I can overdo it on one end, I can be very patient on the other end I know this because of a fight I had with my friend we got into a fight and did not speak to each other for about six months (Now there was a part of me that wanted to but I did not) but then one day we talked and long story short in time we became each other's best friend,

So am I hopeful that if I leave her alone that someday she will come back to me and that our friendship will be stronger? I'd be lying if I said I did not but I also know that she just might not be able to do that and if I love her like I say I do I need to let her go in other words I need to surrender ALL power to her at this point

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Old 8th April 2019, 3:48 PM   #10
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The absolute best thing you or any of us can do under these circumstances is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. It's great that you had the friendship with her as long as you did, but when she didn't respond back to you, it should have just left it at that. Multiple messages just make you seem clingy or desperate, even though you meant well. Trust me, I know. I'm sure you a great guy, but next time, tone it down a bit. I do however hope this helps.
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Old 8th April 2019, 4:15 PM   #11
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First, you really need some training on sexual harassment in the workplace. You donít keep commenting on your co-workerís looks and saying you have a crush on her. Second, you really need to work on your marriage with your wife. Third, even if your spamming on her fb didnít annoy the hell out of her, it would have creeped the hell out of her fb friends ó why does this grand-daddy keep posting, liking and commenting on her stuff
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Old 9th April 2019, 8:49 AM   #12
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Thank You. I never even thought about what her other facebook friends think. I am just going to leave her alone. I have to admit though there is a part of me that wants to write her a proper goodbye letter because if our friendship has to end I think she deserves a proper goodbye and too be honest it would help me let go of my feelings for her and move on, (There is no way I can do this in person) but like I said I just thought about it and since every instinct I have been wrong, I am not going to do it because it is a bad idea
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Old 9th April 2019, 11:43 AM   #13
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met....I really hope you do drop this about this girl. from what im reading (and its a very quick read) you don't sound like you are really getting this!!!!!you need to see this from her eyes and how this may be making her feel. if this lady is a young Asian woman who has not been brought up to feel able to share what she really feels or can or wants to be seen to hurt you then you again are doing her much disservice and harm by carrying on thinking in this rather stupid and selfish and pointless way. what are you talking about you hope that in the future you can get together!!!!.....

if she wanted to get with you it would have happened by now.im not sure if you answered by question about what your spouse thinks in all of this!!!! (quick reading and I don't have much time).I hope she doesn't come back to you, im not sure her parents would want you waiting around putting your life on hold for their lovely daughter either!!! does your partner want you waiting around for this girl???!!!!!! I cant think that they would. you need to get a grip of your fantasy life and world and see things as they really are and understand how young women really view this kind of thing.

maybe she is an independent gal and doesn't need her parents permission to date whoever, maybe her parents are keen for her to date a 50 something man who isn't valuing his partner (who he has married already) maybe she is an Asian lady who is lucky and happy and doesn't have some of the pressures that some Asian young people might in her sitation...but even if she is a fully independent young woman, I suspect she is the more mature in this set up, and I can imaging that you and your ONGOING DENIAL and immature behaviours are and have made her feel pretty uncomfortable and she may be a bit fearful of you as a person.

back off from this one, let her be, stop tyring to be near her age with all the emo face book posts and declarations... I think they are unwanted and will be equally unwanted in the future. maybe you need to end your own marriage and find someone your own age that is fully consenting to be with the sort of person that you are really looking to be. this is a young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. and I don't think that life will benefit from such an intense, obsessive and stifling infatuation from a fully grown man.

sorry. but your post just is unbelievably sad! and that for me is harsh, even by my own thoughts on it...but its what I think. sorry. MOVE ON and GROW UP!!!!
maxi.

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Old 9th April 2019, 2:31 PM   #14
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Yes Maxi You totally misread my letter but as you say it was a quick read so I understand, Also before I went to sleep I mentioned some idea that I had about writing her a goodbye letter because I thought she deserves a proper good bye and it would help me move on and I wrote that I was not going to do it though and as I woke up I realized that would be the worst thing I can do and I am glad that I slept on it and wrote about it here instead of actually doing it
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Old 9th April 2019, 3:04 PM   #15
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Glad you dropped the idea of writing her the letter; that would have been the best proof for a sexual harassment complaint.

You have avoided answering questions regarding your marriage, which sounds like needs a lot of fixing.

You’re obsessing over a girl who is younger than your own children. This is beyond creepy. Perhaps she first thought of you as a nice uncle.

Telling a co-worker repeatedly how pretty she is and how big a crush you have on her is sexual harassment.

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