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No Manners


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 4th April 2019, 1:39 AM   #1
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No Manners

OK, so about 6 months ago a friend invites me to travel up the coast and stay with her on a Saturday night. She's already up there and staying with another friend until the weekend and we arrange to meet at midday for lunch on the Saturday, then check into the hotel after lunch. I arrive a little earlier than planned, text her to let her know I'm there but tell her not to rush, meeting at midday is still fine. She doesn't turn up until 2.45pm, nearly three hours late. She had no reason other than disorganisation for leaving me waiting so long, sent me 3 texts saying, "sorry, I'll be there soon". If I'd known she was going to make me wait so long I would have just got back in my car and driven home, (in a snaky mood!).
A few months earlier we had done the same thing, but that time she'd invited another friend over to the hotel as well. We had a few drinks by the pool and other friend got a little carried away and ended up passing out on the fold-out sofa bed which was meant to be my bed for the night, and I ended up sleeping on the floor.
So, she's recently announced that she's planning to visit here again, (she lives interstate), and I know that she'll head up the coast and will inevitably invite me to join her on the weekend. I have no intention of going, but I can't decide whether I should be honest and tell her that I feel she's been really rude to me and that's why I'm not accepting her invite, or just lie and say I'm busy. ????
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Old 4th April 2019, 2:38 AM   #2
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honest might make her argue "it wasn't 2.45, it was earlier" ... "the other bed is just as good" ...



better to be "busy"
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:16 AM   #3
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honest might make her argue "it wasn't 2.45, it was earlier" ... "the other bed is just as good" ...



better to be "busy"
No, I would be honest. Lying is silly really. She was inconsiderate and rude and should know this.

Your best bet would have been to tell her at the time but that ship has sailed.

Sounds like she needs to be more aware of her actions. Don't ever be afraid of honestly.
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Old 4th April 2019, 9:08 AM   #4
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We either accept our friends as they are or we don’t. If you don’t want to go then tell her that and tell her why. If you want to go set up some ground rules in a direct manner like “yea we can do that but if you’re very late I’m going to head out without you just so you know” type thing.

And why did you sleep on the floor? You should have bugged that person to get out of your bed unless you said at the time it was fine and you were okay with it but were really just lying.
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Old 4th April 2019, 2:18 PM   #5
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^ I think this idea is best. Agree, but only if she's there by a certain time. That way you warn her you're not waiting.

An old friend of mine can't do anything planned. She will be all excited and want to see you and want to stay at your house, and so this one time I invited her for 6 p.m. dinner and I was cooking. She showed up drunk and passed out at midnight. I never invited her again. I saw her once in her town after that. She wasn't home when I got there but arrived shortly thereafter and things went better. She's always trying to get me to come meet her 60 miles away when she's visiting her brother. I know better than to do it because she'll say to meet at some restaurant or bar and she will either be super late of too drunk to want to be around her.
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Old 4th April 2019, 5:20 PM   #6
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We either accept our friends as they are or we don’t. If you don’t want to go then tell her that and tell her why. If you want to go set up some ground rules in a direct manner like “yea we can do that but if you’re very late I’m going to head out without you just so you know” type thing.

And why did you sleep on the floor? You should have bugged that person to get out of your bed unless you said at the time it was fine and you were okay with it but were really just lying.
No, I didn't say it was fine. It was about 1am and other friend thought it would be unfair to wake her - oh, the irony....*eye roll*. I agree with your view of 'accepting friends as they are', or not. As we've been friends for over 30 years I hesitate to end the friendship over something relatively petty, but it seems as she gets older she's getting more self-absorbed and rude, (there have been quite a few incidents where I've wanted to say something), and I won't be the first friend who's faded her without telling her why.
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Old 4th April 2019, 5:22 PM   #7
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[QUOTE=preraph;7770475]^ I think this idea is best. Agree, but only if she's there by a certain time. That way you warn her you're not waiting.

An old friend of mine can't do anything planned. She will be all excited and want to see you and want to stay at your house, and so this one time I invited her for 6 p.m. dinner and I was cooking. She showed up drunk and passed out at midnight. I never invited her again. I saw her once in her town after that. She wasn't home when I got there but arrived shortly thereafter and things went better. She's always trying to get me to come meet her 60 miles away when she's visiting her brother. I know better than to do it because she'll say to meet at some restaurant or bar and she will either be super late of too drunk to want to be around her.[/QUO

Maybe alcohol is the common denominator because this friend is also a booze hound. Turns their brain to mush
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Old 4th April 2019, 5:34 PM   #8
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It certainly could factor in. But my old friend has bigger problems, and one is narcissism and being bipolar that also figure in. What she does is make plans with too many people at once or makes plans and then goes to a bar and forgets her plans. I mean, when you're 20, fine, but people need to straighten up at some point in their lives.
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:05 PM   #9
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You should have taken the other bed and made the rude, late one sleep on the floor since she thought it was rude to wake the drunk.

I think if you’re to remain friends you need to be more assertive with this one. Sure she may resent you for it but at least you’ll be true to you and can stop her from taking advantage of you because that’s what it sounds like.
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:18 PM   #10
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i agree with what amay said about being more assertive and what another poster said about laying down ground rules...as a friend you have to accept that the people you are friends with arent exactly the way you are or follow your standards and manners...


a good friend will always be honest and stay true to their ways..being forgiving and understanding of friends doesnt mean to be a pushover friend but it means to be honest when something doesnt feel good or right....


alcohol might be your friends Achilles heel and what i have come to learn from experience is people that drink till their drunk a lot..have a drinking problem that needs assistance..they also probably have some issues they arent talking about that may turn them to drink....maybe she just does drink to kill time...in that case its better to know that fact than not know that fact as a friend...
talk to your friend.....maybe she might open up to you....be honest with her about how her being late and inconsiderate makes you feel unhappy....
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:31 PM   #11
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I was roommates with that woman I described at one point early on and we were often going to the same place, but after awhile, I told her I was taking my own car and not riding together because (I told her) I often wanted to leave early or couldn't find her, which is true.
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:51 PM   #12
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It certainly could factor in. But my old friend has bigger problems, and one is narcissism and being bipolar that also figure in. What she does is make plans with too many people at once or makes plans and then goes to a bar and forgets her plans. I mean, when you're 20, fine, but people need to straighten up at some point in their lives.
That's interesting. I have often wondered whether T, (my friend), would fall under the borderline criteria of narcissism. I didn't ever even think about it when younger, but some things are getting out of hand. Small example...we went on holiday about 4 years ago, two weeks in Thailand, (we're in Paradise - what's to whine about?), and she was complaining over the pettiest of things, such as, every morning at breakfast she complained of children being noisy on nearby tables and insisted on moving away from them, (she hates children), bitching about the housemaid folding clothes "which didn't need folding", moaning that all the best sun loungers were taken...just plain petty. Her brother was rushed to hospital a few months ago and she went to 'help'. Her help wasn't needed and the main thing she was concerned about was that there was no chair provided for her while she waiting outside the ICU. The funny thing is that now that I'm getting pissed about it all, I've realised that other friends are way ahead of me, they've been quietly freezing her out for the past 4-5 years. I probably need to just get on the bandwagon because I'm sure she'll never listen to well-meant but unsolicited advice.
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Old 5th April 2019, 12:05 AM   #13
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I have loved ones who do this to me too and they have been this way for decades. I really struggle with it and haven't come up with any answers or solutions yet.
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Old 5th April 2019, 2:02 AM   #14
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I really can't imagine waiting 3 hours. I would have left after 30mins. If I had waited 3 hrs then I would have told her off about her being an inconsiderate moron. Anyway if she invites again I don't see the problem with "sorry but my time is valuable" I can't imagine being scared to be honest with a friend of 30 yrs?
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Old 5th April 2019, 2:05 AM   #15
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That's interesting. I have often wondered whether T, (my friend), would fall under the borderline criteria of narcissism. I didn't ever even think about it when younger, but some things are getting out of hand. Small example...we went on holiday about 4 years ago, two weeks in Thailand, (we're in Paradise - what's to whine about?), and she was complaining over the pettiest of things, such as, every morning at breakfast she complained of children being noisy on nearby tables and insisted on moving away from them, (she hates children), bitching about the housemaid folding clothes "which didn't need folding", moaning that all the best sun loungers were taken...just plain petty. Her brother was rushed to hospital a few months ago and she went to 'help'. Her help wasn't needed and the main thing she was concerned about was that there was no chair provided for her while she waiting outside the ICU. The funny thing is that now that I'm getting pissed about it all, I've realised that other friends are way ahead of me, they've been quietly freezing her out for the past 4-5 years. I probably need to just get on the bandwagon because I'm sure she'll never listen to well-meant but unsolicited advice.
I can't see any narcissism? Just negativity and nothing too major in my view.
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