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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 24th March 2019, 5:58 PM   #1
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a random message I do not understand

About eight months ago I had a fight with my friend Tom. Tom and I had been friends for a while, I would say we spent a lot of time together, we helped each other a lot, at one point I told him I liked him and he said he wasn't interested in anything romantic with anyone. We continued to be friends after that and everything was okay until about eight months ago. I was almost in an accident and I turned to him for comfort via a text (as he had turned to me numerous times in the past), and he failed to respond. I told him that was not cool, but he said he wasn't interested in being pressured to respond to every text and he wanted a casual friendship. He also said he didn't like to be told he was wrong as he thought he was a good person who didn't do anything wrong. He called me childish for being upset over him not responding to my text and I could contact him when I thought about everything. I just didn't find good enough a reason to do that. So eight months later out of the blew I get a text from him saying a lot of time had passed and even though we had difference in opinions, he wished me all the best. It is quite random to contact me out of the blew, so my theory is he either needs something or something happened to him that made him think of me. Either way, I am emotionally detached from him but I do want to reply as I don't want to appear rude or annoyed. Any thoughts on what to write? Thanks in advance.
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Old 24th March 2019, 6:32 PM   #2
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I think a response of "ok thanks" is more than adequate. And then move on.
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Old 24th March 2019, 6:40 PM   #3
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Id do even less than that and just give it a thumbs up on what he said.
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Old 24th March 2019, 6:53 PM   #4
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Yep, also an excellent response.
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Old 26th March 2019, 2:14 PM   #5
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He was just feeling a little guilty, but honestly, you are just wasting your time with this guy because he doesn't care. Guys don't really usually want a girl who's a friend and he has made clear he doesn't want that obligation. He just had a little tinge of conscience. He doesn't want you making up excuses to obligate him to be closer or nicer to you. He sees through your ploy and knows you still want him.
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Old 27th March 2019, 3:09 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
He was just feeling a little guilty, but honestly, you are just wasting your time with this guy because he doesn't care. Guys don't really usually want a girl who's a friend and he has made clear he doesn't want that obligation. He just had a little tinge of conscience. He doesn't want you making up excuses to obligate him to be closer or nicer to you. He sees through your ploy and knows you still want him.
Ahm... I appreciate your answer although it really doesn't help me. I am not into this guy and I haven't been in a long time. Our fight had nothing to do with romance. I called him out for being a subpar friend and he went on a self righteous tangent. I haven't heard from him in eight months and tbh I thought I would never hear from him again. Plus I was the one who ended the communication the first time. So no, I am not waiting around for him, my life has changed a lot in the last eight months and his text was so random and bothersome actually since I do not like to look back... The past is the past. But I also didn't want to appear rude, so I was going to reply something polite but distant. You have turned this into a soap opera of some sorts and not sure if I should be amused or annoyed. Either way, thank you for the effort.
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Old 7th April 2019, 8:22 AM   #7
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hhhmmmm...I think If you want to reply as you say you do then without us really knowing the situation properly then the reply needs to come from you in a proper honest and heartfealt genuine way.

leave the insults and theorising behind!!!!!!

and its up to him if he wants to take your reply for what it is, whatever that is.
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Old 7th April 2019, 9:57 AM   #8
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forget all of the above....the message has sent before intended whilst i am still thinking and reading (ah computers!) but look,....part of me thinks its not worth your time (or ours) in this matter unless you talk to him first.

i cant help thinking you just want to know for the sake of knowing, and i don't see the point if you don't ultimately want to have anything to do with this guy...why bother persue it. if you wanted to know, you should have dealt with it when he got back to you straight away.

your post sounds a bit like you also feel that you are right and sure of it, which maybe you are, but what i am really saying is that without a proper conversation (i.e., you and him or us for that matter things can be mistaken in the wrong way so easily.)

,as for the soap opera? im not really sure what soap opera anyone on the shack has created really? but if it has got a bit that way then again only you and him can sort that situation.

does he have a valid point about you being a bit childish in not dealing with this to sort things out so you are not left feeling that you need to reply but at the same time you want to know but don't want anything to do with him in that way.

im seeing a bit of indulgence and potential for one-upmanship for the hell of it really. you are in a healthier place (or so you tell us) and it feels like you want to know to have the last word...so maybe you also are thinking of him too!!!!! (not just him). and if you are with a means to close this, then that's all good i think. just make your contact for the right reasons, not just out of some kind of self-centred knowing or congratulatorty or points scoring, that wont solve anything and he will see right thorugh it...and that kind of thing isn't the best show of how friendship (or past friendship) if that was your issue with him, then it isn't a good route to display or will show you have moved on properly.


if you are not into him then why bother to go round in circles, people who are bothered about other people tend to want to sort things out and have clarity so they avoid the uncertainty and guessing scenarios that you are mildly describing.even if it is the end, they do things properly and with dignity for the other parties and its just healthier and more mature, and easier to move on without pretending feeligns are there, are not there, without guessing or questioning...as you can have the proper answers from the people who can tell you because they are part of the situation and will have their say on it too. rather than asking for thoughts and then feeling a bit irritated if people don't get the gyst of what you mean or what really went on....

if you want to know what he thinks or feels then youre going to have to speak with him and sort it out. you don't really say enough on this one for us to say what you might say to this person.

I feel this person may have felt fed up with the situation and if he was a subpar friend and you told him that I don't see that there surealy is no surprise that you guys haven't hung out for months...why would either of you want that.

i think his contact to you is about him saying he is sorry things coudlnt have been better as a friend if that's the way he is....but he tried and he is being the bigger person to wish you well despite things not working as either of you hoped or don't care to want now, if he was not that great a freind, maybe you also should ask if you've also been a poor friend at times too when he wasn't felt respected or that you were demanding or he felt you childish or not wanting to communicate properly? ...not everyone wants friendship that is heavily text based, maybe actually meeting up with him at the time would have been a better time to talk face to face and chat properly rather than sending off texts about your feelings....that could be misinterpreted, or recieved at a time that wasn't approapriate or good for him.

being a good freind or any kind of relationship is about communication, and if you are not letting others know what you feel etc...and guessing what they might be thinking (in the real world of interaction) then things will build up and what was okish can go down hill quickly!

this seems like one of those things that has blown up and wasn't "all that" as a freidnship, to begin with anyway.

if you want to communicate with this guy now to find out the truth of what he thinks and get to say what you feel then meet up and talk. you might also learn about how he see's you and how you have behaved or how he thinks you have behaved etc...



im not sure your comments about others treating your situation like a soap opera are fair to whoever they were aimed at, and i cant help thinking there is more to this situation (from your part in not communicating or during your friendship with him whether you were guilty of communicating in an aggressive or passive aggressive or assumptive way when you should have talked it out when the problem was there for both of you, but you didn't want to address it if what ive read you saying is right/partially right in that area?) if so, that wouldnt have helped your cause to clear this small situation up.

there sounds a good deal of immaturity on both sides if im honest, but the bottom line is this.

if you want to clear this up and respond in a mature way meet up and talk about this and apologise to each other (as i a m sure apologies are due on both sides). it will clear your conscious and you will know for SURE where it went wrong from both sides.

if you don't give a toss about this situation or person, then have the upper hand and achieve nothing and this will keep coming back to you over time as it has this time (regardless of his random communications with you).

but if you are mature and want to end this game playing and guessing silliness (whoever is more justified in their actions on what went on); then you do still have a genuine opportunity to sort this out once and for all and move on.


i think its healthy to meet up, talk, apologise and then you can say for sure what happens (if anything) next, but it will bring closure to what seems could have been avoided in terms of communication expectations uncertainty a little guilt and wondering what and if.... and self/projected thoughts, reactions and confusion.


i kind of think if people are not into others then at least they should sort things out properly so people know where they stand...its saves everyone from this kind of what if. also, sorting things out with people and to their faces is often the best way to go.


ok, that's my 2 cents. only you know whats really gone on, but as long as your fair and honest in what you felt and your motives or delay to communicate etc...with him and allow him to be honest and fair back etc...then i guess that's the best you can expect and you both may feel a bit lighter for it.

ok, that is my proper reply on this one.and its a rushed one so im sure im saying things over and over, so BIG apologies for that, but you get the main points of what im saying, so good luck with it.

you sound like you do care enough ot do the right thing in this, so i hope you do decide to talk with him and put this both to rest in a positive agreeing way. he's been courteous enough to reach out and wish you well. maybe you need to do that too.


but your real answers lie with him and within yourself!!!!!!! and unless you address it positively, then nothing can be achieved for anyone and its just been a waste of time for all concerned i think.

but good luck anyway. maxi

Last edited by maxi105; 7th April 2019 at 10:14 AM..
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Old 7th April 2019, 10:24 AM   #9
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don't even bother responding to this clown
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Old 7th April 2019, 1:14 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loveisgrand View Post
Ahm... I appreciate your answer although it really doesn't help me. I am not into this guy and I haven't been in a long time. Our fight had nothing to do with romance. I called him out for being a subpar friend and he went on a self righteous tangent. I haven't heard from him in eight months and tbh I thought I would never hear from him again. Plus I was the one who ended the communication the first time. So no, I am not waiting around for him, my life has changed a lot in the last eight months and his text was so random and bothersome actually since I do not like to look back... The past is the past. But I also didn't want to appear rude, so I was going to reply something polite but distant. You have turned this into a soap opera of some sorts and not sure if I should be amused or annoyed. Either way, thank you for the effort.
Don't act like I made something up. Your original post says you told him you liked him and he told you he wasn't interested.
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