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The Dynamics of Friendships


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 4th March 2019, 5:13 AM   #1
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The Dynamics of Friendships

Why does it seem to me that some friendships change and it does not matter if your in the same lifestyle or not.

For me its like this. My two male friends, IC/MK are married with kids. I see them all the time. I don't really have to work at it much.

MO is married and childless and DS is single and childless. So am I. They both seem difficult to be with. They almost come off as cold and distant.

I wonder why some people with different lifestyles can click. Same lifestyles. Not as much.

What are some of your friendships like.
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Old 4th March 2019, 8:18 PM   #2
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As I get older, few and far between. Have let a couple go, one that was close, but never saw her as she's out of town.

I have one I've known since the early 70s, used to work with, and we have only seen each other once in 20 years and we stay in email touch every week at least. She's out of state, too far for me to go. She comes down even further than where I am sometimes for relatives and also goes to a town in between to see friends, but I am not on her friend tour, and don't really know why. It's true I don't have a proper guest room and we're old, so you need that. But I think it's just the way she is. She is VERY easily irritated by everyone, her relatives, her work mates, very short fuse. I think she thinks she'd get grumpy and she probably would. Also, politics are now a polarizing issue and we've gotten off each other's Twitter and just rarely talk about it now.

My best local friend I only see every couple of months because she's a busy working mom. We've been in touch more lately as I tried to support her during while her dad was sick and dying. We just either text or talk on the phone or go out to a long lunch and some holidays together.

My other friend has pretty much fallen off the friend map ever since she got a boyfriend. I guess she can't have more than one friend. I only see her on birthdays now, maybe Christmas, this year rolled into one. I have always felt discounted by her. She is someone I've known since the late 70s but not continually. She puts on being "positive" and I get real sick of her Pollyannaisms, especially since she's actually extremely argumentative and contradicts everything you say. Until I pointed that out a few years ago, she didn't realize how telling people they're not positive isn't positive!

She's good for going to eat with or a museum. She'd drop Jesus himself if her daughter or sister decided to pop into town unexpected. She makes you feel like you really don't count because you're not blood. I never feel like she misses me. I tested it one time since I was doing most of the initiating (but that's my personality) and it took her six months to check on me.

I have a couple local male friends I only see a couple or three times a year and stay in loose contact with. Known them both for decades. But both of them would check up on me if it went a long time without them hearing anything about me, at least.

Have a friend in California who went crickets as expected (we talked about it -- I told her she would) when she had her daughter. She's starting to be a little more contacty again. She is another one who can sometimes be a bit sharp, but on the flip side, she is very witty and fun when she's not being sharp!
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Old 4th March 2019, 10:38 PM   #3
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Rather than a difference in lifestyle, I think it's a difference in personality. You find them cold and distant - this means you and they don't click - if you don't click, you're not going to be hanging out together.

The fact that we know someone in our circle doesn't mean we will be close enough to them to hang out. No criticism here: I have many acquaintances, a number of friends and only about 3 really close friends. What you describe is quite normal to me.
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Old 4th March 2019, 11:04 PM   #4
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The best friendship I had was because our personalities meshed well and we had common interests. But currently I have two friends and I use that term very loosely so maybe I shouldn’t be giving advice .
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Old 4th March 2019, 11:27 PM   #5
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Obviously we all have online friends as well. It is pretty hard to make the transition from online friend to real life but that one I said was from California transitioned nto a real-life friend. only because we both have the same favorite music artist in would travel to see concerts.

It would be so nice to have a neighbor who was a friend but I've always been afraid that if I got too friendly with a neighbor because I work at home, that I might get someone who was always interrupting me, so I kind of kept my distance.
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Old 6th March 2019, 7:13 AM   #6
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Here is my friends in a nutshell.

My thing is more the phone. I don't expect for friends to drop by un expected, but I don't understand the I can't phone you/txt you, just to check in. My friend DT has lost 2 friends, beause he can't pick up the phone and talk to anyone. I think its due to his being so wrapped up with his digital entertainment. Its like for him. If he makes that effort. Even if its 6 to 8 weeks out. It will cut into his digital entertainment time and he was not that way before. I just don't think anyone is that busy, where they can't make that major effort.

I work with my friend GB at work and we just went out last night for wings and I saw him last week and we had dinner at our work just as we was leaving. I don't get how easy it is for us. You would think we would just take for granted that we work together and not try to get together.

No one is taking a after hours course or heavy duty kids or anything like that. I don't expect to talk to or see every one all the time. I just wonder why its hard to just pick up a phone/txt to see how friends are doing every 6 to 8 weeks. How chorus can it be. At most the phone calls would last 10 to 20 minutes.

Last edited by Mysterio; 6th March 2019 at 7:26 AM..
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Old 10th March 2019, 8:37 PM   #7
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Have you told your friend DT that his lack of follow up to your phone calls reaching out, bothers you? Sounds like he prioritizes his online gaming over his offline friendships. If that's what's happening, you need to ask yourself if he's someone you even want to continue to invest your time and energy in. If not, cut him loose.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:13 PM   #8
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Watercolour. I will do what you have suggested.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:41 PM   #9
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With your friend DT, you and his other friends simply aren't a priority. It sounds like he's really not interested in continuing the friendship with you or the others. You may not like or understand it, but this is his prerogative. You can leave him with his online friends and just move on without him in your life.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:57 AM   #10
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DT is a guy that I met with Fencing. Its not like I am going to die without his company.

I guess everyone is different. I just had my friend MK call me to see if I wanted to see a late night movie about the Apollo documentary Moon race. MK takes Italian class/Early morning works outs. He teaches his 16 yr old son driving. His daughter takes dance. He has a Chiropractic practice. He has to be at his Practice at 9 am Monday Morning.

I don't know why its so easy for him to pick up the phone and call me every three weeks or so. He has his wife and kids. Its easy for him. DT for some reason is so wrapped up with his digital entertainment. Even his GF gets agitated by it. I don't know whats so mesmerizing about it. To me it makes one socially awkward. I hope his kids don't get into that bad habit.
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:26 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
DT is a guy that I met with Fencing. Its not like I am going to die without his company.

I guess everyone is different. I just had my friend MK call me to see if I wanted to see a late night movie about the Apollo documentary Moon race. MK takes Italian class/Early morning works outs. He teaches his 16 yr old son driving. His daughter takes dance. He has a Chiropractic practice. He has to be at his Practice at 9 am Monday Morning.

I don't know why its so easy for him to pick up the phone and call me every three weeks or so. He has his wife and kids. Its easy for him. DT for some reason is so wrapped up with his digital entertainment. Even his GF gets agitated by it. I don't know whats so mesmerizing about it. To me it makes one socially awkward. I hope his kids don't get into that bad habit.
Sounds like MK is a better friend to you b/c he makes time for you in his busy life. That's what good friends do for each other - they prioritize each other b/c everyone has a life.

DT sounds like no big loss. I know guys like your friend DT and my experience is they prioritize themselves first, and treat everyone as an option. No one is a priority in their life ever, except themselves.
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Old 11th March 2019, 2:37 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
I don't know why its so easy for him to pick up the phone and call me every three weeks or so. He has his wife and kids. Its easy for him.
It's easy for him to do because he wants to do it. DT doesn't care so he doesn't do it.
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