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"suggestions"


darkmoon

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but her suggestions come out as slightly angry harsh-tone commands, so much so I learned to say "don't decide this for me", which felt easy and factual, which is when she said "they are suggestions"

 

 

I am 66 she is 50s - she is affecting me badly now with her harsh tone from a close friend that she was, it is an unexpected attack, I am lumbered with seeing her in my group.... I am her idiot-pet.... adopted and chained.... randomly picked at

 

 

I will stick to saying "don't decide this for me"....but I am aware that she want to feel/be better than me, competitive...

 

 

venting here.... I think I will do some "suggesting" of my own

Edited by darkmoon
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but her suggestions come out as slightly angry harsh-tone commands,

Tell her, "If they are just your suggestions, then don't bark them at me as if they're commands!" (in a serious, commanding tone.)

 

Or, tell her, "Thank you, but I'll ask when I want your suggestion...and then give it courteously, please."

 

Also, learn to not feel 'attacked' when people are rude to you or use angry-harsh tones on you. You're only her adopted, chained, idiot-pet every time that you think and tell yourself that you are,

and every time that you let her get away with her treating you like that.

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I agree...give her a dose of her own medicine -- that's exactly why I said to talk to her in a serious, commanding tone.

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Happy Lemming
what is wrong with giving her a dose of her own medicine? just explain that...

 

Two wrongs don't make a right...

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True. But demonstrating to people how they're coming across, so that they can also feel the impact, isn't 'wrong'.

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Happy Lemming
True. But demonstrating to people how they're coming across, so that they can also feel the impact, isn't 'wrong'.

 

And if the woman in question is a girlfriend, I would 100% agree with you, but I made the assumption she is OP's wife.

 

"Do you want to be right or happy?" - Author unknown

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CautiouslyOptimistic
And if the woman in question is a girlfriend, I would 100% agree with you, but I made the assumption she is OP's wife.

 

OP is a woman. I think this is just a friendship she's talking about.

 

My mom's twin is very much like this with my mom. It's not really in my mom's nature to "give it right back to her." It definitely can be really frustrating having to be around someone like this, but I'll tell you what I don't understand also about my mom.....just choose to not spend so much time together!

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Happy Lemming
OP is a woman. I think this is just a friendship she's talking about.

 

Oh... my bad.

 

Then I revise my suggestion, dissolve the friendship. No reason to put up with this.

 

Thanks "CautiouslyOptimistic" for the clarification!

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"Do you want to be right or happy?" - Author unknown
But, can anyone be happy feeling like one's partner's "idiot-pet...adopted and chained...randomly picked at"?

In any case, OP said, "I am lumbered with seeing her in my group," which does not suggest a romantic partner/spouse.

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Just be honest with her, if she's that harsh with other people she should expect the same in return.

 

Tell her you don't appreciate her tone and that it is affecting your friendship. If she continues treating you that way then emotionally distance yourself from her even if you still have to be around her.

 

It's a difficult and sad thing, but sometimes we have to end relationships when they are no longer in our best interest.

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Happy Lemming

In any case, OP said, "I am lumbered with seeing her in my group," which does not suggest a romantic partner/spouse.

 

Yes... my assumption that the individual was a partner was incorrect.

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I don't know what is going on here from the original post. Are you a hen-pecked husband?

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what is wrong with giving her a dose of her own medicine? just explain that...

 

She won't recognise that you're giving her a dose of her own medicine. She will learn nothing and the behaviour won't reflect well on you.

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and the behaviour won't reflect well on you.

How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself?

 

(I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but,

at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.)

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Happy Lemming
I don't know what is going on here from the original post. Are you a hen-pecked husband?

 

I was confused, as well alphamale.

 

The original poster is a woman who is having difficulties with another woman friend.

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How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself?

 

(I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but,

at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.)

 

Giving one a dose of their own medicine is aggressive and the only outcome is more negativity. Assertiveness is a positive approach designed to solve the problem without making it worse.

 

I can't see how aggressively can be remotely connected to learning how to use assertiveness in solving problems.

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How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself?

 

(I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but,

at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.)

 

Being assertive in response to a problem would reflect very well on the OP. But let's be clear that assertiveness involves a thoughtful response designed to improve communication, solve a problem and recognises everyone's needs.

 

Giving one a dose of their own medicine is not assertive. It's aggressive and retaliatory. All it would demonstrate is that the OP is no better than the one she complains about. It's got it's uses if she never needs to see this person again....but as they are both part of a group, a thoughtful approach is warranted.

Edited by basil67
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Giving one a dose of their own medicine is aggressive
Already addressed the terminology, basil67. An assertive tone is NOT the same as an aggressive tone. However, if you think about it rationally and reasonably,

"doing unto others as they do unto you" is still not actually, inherently aggressive.

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Already addressed the terminology, basil67. An assertive tone is NOT the same as an aggressive tone. However, if you think about it rationally and reasonably,

"doing unto others as they do unto you" is still not actually, inherently aggressive.

 

Perhaps change the word 'aggressive' to 'negative'. It's probably only going to further exacerbate the situation. I can't offer anything else. All I can say is that I'd never use this technique towards someone who I needed to be on good terms with.

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