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Just can't be supportive....Widowed friend involved with married man


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Old 28th February 2019, 9:15 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
Nowhere in your posts do I see that she’s expecting him to leave his marriage.
Maybe the arrangement works for her, after losing her husband recently.
That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Maybe she sees it as a nice distraction, no commitment, some company and fun when they both have time. Not every ow wants a full time relationship.
True on not all OWs wanting their men to leave. We cannot paint her with any "OW brush" though. She is in love, is still in fresh grief from the loss of her husband and when this blows up it will devastate her. There are no two ways about it.

edited to add: I WISH what you were saying was true though, don't get me wrong. If that were the case, believe me i would be fine with the whole thing.
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:45 AM   #17
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All of the things that i would normally say to a person in her situation (one that had not just become a WIDOW) can't be said. For example... "Oh, really? He told you that his wife does not really care what he is doing, or with whom. OK, great, let's put that to the test then. There should be no reason he cannot spend the night then, right?"
Beyond being more gentle with her than maybe you normally would with someone else, why can you not tell her the same thing? I wouldn't change the content - just present it in a less aggressive manner.

In the end, you can't prevent her from getting hurt. It's too late, she's already involved, there's no pain-free exit available. Yes, she was in a vulnerable state, but she chose to proceed. Deep down she knows the risks, but for now this is what she's chosen to do.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:38 AM   #18
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Beyond being more gentle with her than maybe you normally would with someone else, why can you not tell her the same thing? I wouldn't change the content - just present it in a less aggressive manner.

In the end, you can't prevent her from getting hurt. It's too late, she's already involved, there's no pain-free exit available. Yes, she was in a vulnerable state, but she chose to proceed. Deep down she knows the risks, but for now this is what she's chosen to do.
Thanks, I've tried, very gently, on many occasions. She simply does not want to hear it, so i need to just shut up. Hence my vent here. Having been on both sides of the equation myself and having read about this topic on these forums for many years, of course, i can predict the likely outcome. She has no knowledge of anything of this sort of thing, has led a very sheltered life. She is 100% bought in to what he is telling her.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:40 PM   #19
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I understand.

I can no longer read some of the threads here on LS from OW who willfully stay in deep denial about the reality of their situations. I recognize their thought processes and would love to give advice based on my own experience, but I can't stomach it when the threads continue for months (and sometimes years!) without any change.

So I can only imagine how I would feel if someone I knew personally and cared about was doing the same.
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:27 PM   #20
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She's fortunate to have a friend who cares for her as much as you do. Blessings on you for your loyalty to her!
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:33 PM   #21
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Yeah. My friend I wrote about up there is in her 60s. All that happens --- they get more desperate and what they might have gotten away with when young, they look like an old fool who should know better, because that's what they are. See, with my attention-seeking narcissist friend, she juggled guys when young. No problem. She wasn't that picky and always had a flock of them. Very outgoing and flirtatious. Now she's old and can't just give a nod and a wink and draw them to her, so she's desperate enough to go after anyone she can find any connection to (like my old bf -- I'm sure she's use me as a reason to contact him) out of desperation...
Sounds like an attention fiend, which can also be thought of as a "validation addict". I've actually been there as well and I still do the flirting for fun but can recognize and control if it ever starts to feel like a "need" again.

You might wish to have a chat with your friend and suggest IC or similar. Maybe she sees no reason to change, but I suspect she'll be happier in the long run if she finds validation from less transitory sources. Just a thought.
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:49 PM   #22
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Sounds like an attention fiend, which can also be thought of as a "validation addict". I've actually been there as well and I still do the flirting for fun but can recognize and control if it ever starts to feel like a "need" again.

You might wish to have a chat with your friend and suggest IC or similar. Maybe she sees no reason to change, but I suspect she'll be happier in the long run if she finds validation from less transitory sources. Just a thought.
She's had lots of IC throughout her life. She's like a shark feeding on attention. She's diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar. Oh I've had a talk with her, but I'm not letting her metal in my circle of friends. I'm over it.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:05 PM   #23
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Ah, gotcha. Too bad as some folks can't be helped I guess. You are wise then, IMO to keep your distance.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:11 PM   #24
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Honestly, an affair is probably exactly what she wants, opposed to having another man around full-time. She has probably been a ‘good girl’ all her life, always played it safe, and she’s probably bored with that.

Let her talk about it and don’t get wound up over it. It’s her life. She knows what she’s doing. If she doesn’t, she’ll figure it out soon enough.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:32 PM   #25
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Ah, gotcha. Too bad as some folks can't be helped I guess. You are wise then, IMO to keep your distance.
That's what I'm trying to do. She left a message not long ago saying she was going to be in town, which usually means 60 miles from here and expects me to drive and I emailed her back saying I was busy working. She also said, I'm not sure if you're still talking to me.

We've been friends for 40 years and I knew she'd do shady things, but she was my roommate out of necessity at that early point, so I figured she owed me no loyalty and overlooked things, but after this long, a little loyalty wouldn't kill her, but it's her needs that always come above everything. She just gets nuts.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:59 PM   #26
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If that were the case, believe me i would be fine with the whole thing.

I'm sure his wife would be super keen also; 'she's a widow dear, she needs this...'


I am a widow and the last thing I thought about was sex/attention from men/shagging a married man and so on...everyone is different. I came here to say that your friend is a widow has zero correlation with having an affair with a married man.


She is her own person, not to be mistaken with women whose husbands died.
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Old 28th February 2019, 3:39 PM   #27
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I'm sure his wife would be super keen also; 'she's a widow dear, she needs this...'


I am a widow and the last thing I thought about was sex/attention from men/shagging a married man and so on...everyone is different. I came here to say that your friend is a widow has zero correlation with having an affair with a married man.


She is her own person, not to be mistaken with women whose husbands died.
Oh dear, i did not mean i would be "fine with it" in that way. I meant that I would not be as concerned about the outcome, because when someone makes the choice to become an OW, they fully understand the risks, and the consequences that may come.

Heck, I don't even know (or care) if they are "shagging". But she is a widow who was in an extremely long marriage and truly WAS devastated when her husband passed. This was not a calculated move on her part.

Interesting the different reactions though, no? I am angry with him. You seem to take more issue with her (as does my mother, who is also a widow).
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Old 28th February 2019, 4:04 PM   #28
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He is a man who sensed weakness and pounced, unfortunately, she reciprocated.



After my husband passed (I am remarried now) the social fallout was so extreme it led me to make my first post on LS. Men were like wolves, women who I thought were my friends no longer invited me to dinner parties or events their husbands would be present. It was devastating at the time, when what I needed were my friends.

I could not wrap my mind around the thought process of the men or the women. I just lost my husband.



Your friend feeds this pervasive stereotype of the needy/greedy widow and it causes so much pain.


I hope your friend is attending grief counseling, group therapy is wonderful as well.



I think that your friend should very well be classed as many OW, she is emotionally and psychologically needy as the majority of OW's are...no matter widowed, married, single.
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Old 28th February 2019, 4:43 PM   #29
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She WAS attending grief counseling, in a group. Which i was very happy about. Once she started this relationship, as she got further and further involved, she stopped doing all of those "healing things". It feels like the entire grieving process stopped once this started.

And you are so right, the sterotypes of the widow, all that I am sure she hated.

It is just hard to think of her as a "typical OW" (For lack of a better term) as she will be SEVENTY next month.
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Old 28th February 2019, 4:46 PM   #30
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Interesting the different reactions though, no? I am angry with him. You seem to take more issue with her (as does my mother, who is also a widow).

Perhaps you expect too much from men and not enough from women.
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